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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

300 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 05:18

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

OP posts:
GrannytoaUnicorn · 29/01/2022 15:38

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!
I don't understand what you mean by "I wrecked???"
GrannytoaUnicorn · 29/01/2022 15:43

MARRIED at NINETEEN years old?!?!?! Wtf

ancientgran · 29/01/2022 15:50

[quote TeaBirds]@ancientgran

Sure, I'm happy to explain.

In your post you said that people shouldn't judge you because they 'don't know what you've experienced'

But you were happy to criticise and judge the 19 year old OP for getting locked out twice. You are judging her but also saying that people shouldn't judge you as they don't know about your circumstances. That's why.

I mean, we do know a little about the OP's circumstances and they don't sound great. So maybe we should criticise her less for getting locked out of her home.

It's great that you have never been locked out even though you are nearly seventy. Well done.

[/quote]
You are quoting my second post where I was defending myself from your accusations.

So again look at the first post you attacked and show me where I judged her, I was replying to someone asking if they were the odd one out not losing their keys. I never mentioned the OP, I did nothing to judge her.

Now what you should do is admit you were wrong, admit I wasn't attacking/judging/criticising her and apologise for the attack but I get the impression you aren't prepared to do that. So come on, be a grown up and look at the post and tell me where the judgement was.

Here's what I said in the post you attacked first I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open.

So come on, show me the judgement, show me the criticism. I even included a key I had lost for balance.

PonyPatter44 · 29/01/2022 16:07

@GrannytoaUnicorn in the US, people use wreck as a synonym for crash, especially with regard to cars. So when she says " I wrecked", she means, "I crashed my car".

ancientgran · 29/01/2022 20:21

@TeaBirds Not ready to admit you were wrong?

Lalliella · 29/01/2022 20:46

Ah OP you sound so sweet! I hope you manage to get away from your controlling ILs soon. Keep saving! And take some of the excellent advice you’ve had on this thread. If I were you I’d definitely move the mobile home. And change the locks and give your dad the spare key.

Lalliella · 29/01/2022 20:49

@GrannytoaUnicorn

MARRIED at NINETEEN years old?!?!?! Wtf
So was my cousin. He and his wonderful wife are about to celebrate 50 years of extremely happy marriage. What’s your point @GrannytoaUnicorn?
Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 21:11

@Dishwashersaurous

So you don't actually own a home, in the way that most people would understand it.

Your in laws gifted you a mobile home on their land.

Move out now.

Rent an apartment in town. Complete your studies.

You don't have to live there.

There is no legal obligation to keep you there.

Go now and find a studio to rent

They've paid them money for it. They just didn't do it the 'normal' way, presumably because of taxes.

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous I hope you do actually have some papers to prove your ownership.

Though I'm not sure who'll buy it from you as your ILs still use the yard and live so close

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 21:13

@GrannytoaUnicorn

MARRIED at NINETEEN years old?!?!?! Wtf
The answers on this thread just get ruder and ruder.
LankylegsFromOz · 29/01/2022 21:13

Technically speaking, the whole thread is about, you know... loosing keys... 😉

But OP, I'm really impressed how you've taken this all on the chin. You actually sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I'm 30 years older than you! I hope you and your DH manage to find a way out of this mess. Judging by your posts, I think you will be able to work something out.

marpelier · 29/01/2022 21:37

Hi OP
I hope you guys didn't pay for the fence! Don't go spending money adding value to the in-laws place.
If it was me : after an attempt to get the money back that had been paid - but that seems unlikely from your posts: I'd abandon the mobile home, pack my stuff and go ( preferably with DH in tow) . You mentioned pets. For some reason, I picture you somewhere quite rural so hopefully you can rent somewhere that has a bit of land and allows pets.
Renting at your age is perfectly normal, everyone does it. You guys will soon be back on your feet, as it seems you both have jobs; and then you can see the in-laws when and if it suits you both. Good luck.

Kennykenkencat · 29/01/2022 22:49

@GrannytoaUnicorn

MARRIED at NINETEEN years old?!?!?! Wtf
I was married, had renovated 1 house and then sold it, was in my 3rd rental property, having moved hundreds of miles to a different city. Dh and I were holding down multiple jobs and were just about to get a mortgage on a tiny studio flat by the time I was 19.
saraclara · 30/01/2022 00:24

My mum was married at 19. To my dad who was 39.

waits for Mumsnet to explode

They were still happily married when he died, aged 84

LadyPropane · 30/01/2022 00:28

@GrannytoaUnicorn

MARRIED at NINETEEN years old?!?!?! Wtf
Go and have a lie down.
TeaBirds · 30/01/2022 07:59

[quote ancientgran]@TeaBirds Not ready to admit you were wrong?[/quote]

I went out. Confused

I'm not 'ready to admit I'm wrong' because I don't think I am.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 08:30

OP, do you actually have the title to the mobile home?

Mookie81 · 30/01/2022 09:22

@Dearblossom

I just wanted to add that I think OP is bloody brave and showing a good amount of maturity and humility here for a 19 year old 'escaping' as such from an abusive family background.

Keep saving, they've screwed you over. Have you got a girlfriend in town you can leave a spare key with, DH doesn't need to know either really.

You sound hard working and self aware, whatever happens OP, make yourself a fantastic life ok!

There's a huge amount of ageism on here, and a certain amount of xenophobia in my opinion. The OP's responses have been very calm, polite and patient, which is more than can be said for some of the screaming harpies that post on this site, some of who are probably twice her age.
ancientgran · 30/01/2022 09:25

@TeaBirds if you think my post was critical or judgemental I'll post it again and you can show us where I even mention the OP let alone criticise her.

I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open

I'm also interested in why you haven't challenged any of the posts that are critical or judgemental. The only thing I can come up with is ageism. Maybe you can come up with something else.

Mookie81 · 30/01/2022 09:29

@Marimaur

I’ve never been locked out.. not once. YABU for moving next door to your IL, into their old house, and not expecting to have boundary issues
Your medal's in the post, it's engraved with 'Pompous Arse' just for you. Hmm
ancientgran · 30/01/2022 09:31

@Mookie81 There is alot of ageism on here at both ends of the spectrum. I've had it on here and other threads, people express a certain view and no comment, I say it (and I don't hide my age) and I get attacked.

TeaBirds hasn't been annoyed with anyone who has made critical comments about the OP but my comment to someone who was asking if they were out of step by not losing house keys has resulted in nasty posts.

The outrage about someone being married at 19 is also unnecessary, it is legal and no one's business. I was married with a baby when I was younger than the OP and I have 4 kids, all graduates, all with post grad qualifications and tax paying members of society so I don't think being married young should be regarded as a negative. The OP is working and in education, I wonder what people think she should be doing that would be so much better.

Mookie81 · 30/01/2022 09:38

[quote ancientgran]@TeaBirds if you think my post was critical or judgemental I'll post it again and you can show us where I even mention the OP let alone criticise her.

I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open

I'm also interested in why you haven't challenged any of the posts that are critical or judgemental. The only thing I can come up with is ageism. Maybe you can come up with something else.[/quote]
Saying 'I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out' is directly comparing yourself to the OP and insinuating there's something wrong with her. You don't need to actually say it for it to be the point your making.

ancientgran · 30/01/2022 09:58

@Mookie81 I quoted the previous person I was replying to who was asking if she was out of step, I was addressing her not the OP and as balance I put that I had lost a car key.

Have a look at some of the critical posts which TeaBirds doesn't seem to have a problem with, have a look at the post I replied to which commented on not losing keys before I did (well obviously before as I was replying to it.)

Ageism is the only reason I have been singled out. Shame you can see it from one end of the spectrum and not the other.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 30/01/2022 10:02

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away.

You’re not the only one wondering about rabbit holes on here tonight. What is going on?

This. You sound quite unhinged. Just change the locks!
slashlover · 30/01/2022 10:02

@ancientgran I'm sure the OP has more important things to do than scrolling through multiple posts of petty squabbling or your determination to be right. He she said/she said is tedious.

Also, You are quoting my second post where I was defending myself from your accusations.

The initial reply was actually from Pinkyantelope

ancientgran · 30/01/2022 10:11

[quote slashlover]@ancientgran I'm sure the OP has more important things to do than scrolling through multiple posts of petty squabbling or your determination to be right. He she said/she said is tedious.

Also, You are quoting my second post where I was defending myself from your accusations.

The initial reply was actually from Pinkyantelope[/quote]
I don't expect the OP to look through anything. I was unfairly accused of something.

You might be happy to be falsely accused of something but I'm not.