Page 10 | am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/01/2022 11:01

I feel for you OP reading your updates as you were raised in an emotionally neglectful and abusive household, so I can see how the image of your partners family being close knit seemed like a safe place to be from the outside.

Only now have you become aware enough of their dynamic that you can see the reality is that the close knit image is a front for toxic, dysfunctional, obligation and guilt fuelled relationships.

You're only 19. You're young, you sound smart - life's too short for this stress and drama. I think you need to give your partner one chance to start a new life with you elsewhere and if he's unwilling then you need to start one without him.

Pinkyantelope · 29/01/2022 11:07

@TeaBirds

You know nothing about what I've experienced so your judgement isn't really appropriate.

But it's OK for you to judge the hell out of a nineteen year old who grew up with abusive parents and is now on another difficult situation?

So the OP forgot her keys twice. Big deal. My 18 year old lost her keys this week. On the same day she got a place at Cambridge to read history.

Wow Teabirds, congrats to your daughter. So competitive to get into Cambridge. My son has several super bright friends who didn't get in this year.

Marcipex · 29/01/2022 11:13

How stressful for you. I understand that you had no idea until it was too late. That’s not an accident, it’s because they wanted to suck you in.
Well, short term, get a better lock. Get cameras, even just a teddy cam, whatever you can afford.
If you choose a friend to keep a spare key, pick some one they don’t know, so they can’t ask them for the key.
Long term, sell up and move. It’s the only way, I’m afraid.

TeaBirds · 29/01/2022 11:16

Thanks @Pinkyantelope.

FirewomanSam · 29/01/2022 11:23

If I’ve understood the situation correctly then your PILs have treated their son appallingly.

They took all his savings in an under-the-table deal for a home that they legally declared a ‘gift’ and which he isn’t ever allowed to sell?

So essentially they have all his money in exchange for him living in the mobile home for as long as he wants, but if he wants to move anywhere else then he has to start all over?

If he ‘can’t’ sell the home then it isn’t really his. They have got him (and by extension you) well and truly under the thumb. I think he should be telling them that if they don’t want him to sell the home then they need to give him his money back and keep the home for themselves. Otherwise he is legally free to sell it and move up anywhere he chooses.

Sounds like he is unlikely to say that to them though.

I just can’t believe his parents are happy to accept all his money and leave him to stay saving again from scratch so he can move

PurpleMauve · 29/01/2022 11:27

OP- I’ve read all of your updates and feel sorry for you.

You are young, naive and have an abusive background/parents.
Changing locks and fences won’t solve the bigger issue of lack of boundaries and control from your PIL. As many PP have said, you need to move. And move without your DH if need be. I would count my losses and RUN and then start afresh whilst getting therapy. You’ve unwittingly signed up to a lifetime of misery. Good luck.

Emms2022 · 29/01/2022 11:30

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

Hi Hun, it looks like you're getting such s hard time from some of the mums in here, I see posts where your are explaining and explaining yourself constantly, listen, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and it makes me a but angry that your feelings have no being fully considered as you are reaching out for support and some kind words, you havnt been treated fairly by the in laws or by some of the mums on here, some if which I think owe you an apology, let me day sorry in their behalf, as women we are supposed to build eachother up not tear eachother down. You've every right to speak your truth and day how it is making you feel, it's not good for your mental health and possibly your marriage, I'm not going to give you advice or tell you what to do as I think you just need someone to listen and be sympathetic and empathetic, you poor thing, it must be horrible, ppl dating why did you get locked out and why did you buy it, well that's hardly going to solve the issue WTF like lol do t listen to the haters pet ❤️❤️ XXX

sweetbellyhigh · 29/01/2022 11:32

@DietrichandDiMaggio

OP, I know you said you asked on Mumsnet because there is nothing similar in the US, but your whole life/lifestyle is very different to that of most people in the UK, so it is hard to give advice based on comparative experience. It's very unusual to be married at 19 here and the whole home set up is not something that many (any?) of us would have experienced.

It really isn't. She's talking about boundaries, not geographical ones incidentally but personal boundaries.

honeylulu · 29/01/2022 11:36

You have got a new lock which is great OP. You should get a spare and leave it with someone you trust or somewhere the in laws can't access. That's the short term position.

Long term ... It's a bit of a mess. I considered it from a legal perspective (I'm a solicitor in the UK and don't know about US law but guess there will be broad similarities.)

So if I understand correctly you own the mobile home in the sense of it being a physical piece of property but you don't own the land it stands on and the yard outside, although the yard you use is delineated by fencing. Possibly you may have to cross another area of land owned by your in laws to reach the mobile home?

The contract that transferred the ownership of the home includes a clause that you cannot sell it on - is that right?
The contract states that the mobile home was given to you but in fact you did pay a reduced value sum for it but this was unofficial to enable the in laws to avoid tax. Right?
The in laws indicated before the transfer that they would also include the area of land including yard but in fact the contract excludes this?
Did you get independent legal advice on any of this before it happened?
Can you prove the transfer of money?

I think the clause restricting you from selling may be unenforceable. BUT the property may actually be unsellable because without the land and/or access rights which your in laws would have to agree to give a new buyer, the property is "landlocked" and pretty much worthless.

The tax fiddle by your in laws might be a negotiating point but that could get very nasty and messy, and you and your husband are implicated in it too.

You may have no other option but to save up for as long as it takes and leave, abandoning the money you put in fur the property, and buying somewhere else.

There is another layer to this which is your husband's enmeshment with his parents. He doesn't seem to think their interference is unreasonable and that may will never change. If you want to leave and live somewhere else it might be the end of your marriage. I'm not saying that would necessarily be a bad thing overall (you are plenty young enough to learn a lesson and free yourself to start again), but you should be aware of it. Any money that you personally save should be in an account accessible to you only. And please please please don't get pregnant in the meantime.

Good luck OP, I wish you well.

LindaEllen · 29/01/2022 11:58

@LankylegsFromOz

It's weird but I've lived in this house for 6 years and never locked myself out, nor my previous home where I lived for 10 years. Is this a thing and I'm the odd one out?

Same - I'm 30 and have never locked myself out of the house. I don't know how people manage it!

OP you really need to reconsider living next door to them. Honestly. It might be a pain moving again, but for the sake of your sanity, it will be worth it.

PurpleMauve · 29/01/2022 12:07

PP - Please at least read the OP’s updates and stop harping on about the fact that you hardly ever or never lose your keys! The OP and her DH are both 19 and both have extremely abusive/controlling parents. Have some empathy!

@honeylulu
As a Solicitor, your post is really helpful, especially advising the OP to save her own money in an account nobody else knows about and to not get pregnant.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/01/2022 12:09

I understand that you had no idea until it was too late

But while even older women get caught up in this, it's also where a bit of maturity could have helped is assessing the situation
By most modern standards 18 is incredibly young to be married, even without this mess, though it also means OP would have a whole lifetime to put it behind her if she chose not to stay

As youvegottenminuteslynn said in their very wise post it's rare for this sort of thing to improve, which is why I mentioned some hard choices may be needed - and preferably before there are DCs brought into this toxicity

TrashyPanda · 29/01/2022 12:28

One other thing, OP - the actual value of your home might not be very much, given it’s been in the family for a while. It might actually cost more than the value to have removed and taken to rubbish tip.

Maybe it’s time to consider if you should just cut your losses right now and move out, go somewhere different and rent while you save up for another home. Make sure you buy the land it is on this time, otherwise you are not actually a property owner.

ancientgran · 29/01/2022 13:03

@TeaBirds

You know nothing about what I've experienced so your judgement isn't really appropriate.

But it's OK for you to judge the hell out of a nineteen year old who grew up with abusive parents and is now on another difficult situation?

So the OP forgot her keys twice. Big deal. My 18 year old lost her keys this week. On the same day she got a place at Cambridge to read history.

LankylegsFromOz

It's weird but I've lived in this house for 6 years and never locked myself out, nor my previous home where I lived for 10 years. Is this a thing and I'm the odd one out?

I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open.

Have a read of the above and explain where I was judging the hell out of anyone.

@LankylegsFromOz was asking if they were the odd one out as they'd never lost their keys and I was replying to her to show she wasn't the odd one out.

Perhaps explain why you want to attack me. Other have commented on not losing keys and even made more judgemental comments on it but for some reason you want to attack me.

Maybe reflect on how judgemental you are.

CheesusWept · 29/01/2022 13:09

Who the fuck gets locked out that much?

runningoutofnewnames · 29/01/2022 13:26

@CheesusWept

Who the fuck gets locked out that much?

I do, I get locked out all the time. I also lose my bank card, bag, phone.

I didn't find out until I was in my mid 40s, that it's a classic symptom of ADHD, which I now know I have.

Lots of people walking around with ADHD and other conditions that affect working memory and executive dysfunction, many of them don't even realise they have a condition, and comments like this can make them feel really shit about themselves.

Please try to be less of an arse to people.

qwertykeys · 29/01/2022 13:51

@CheesusWept

Me I got locked out a lot had to get a lock I phisicaly had to turn the key in from the outside to lock so I couldn't just shut the door and opps locked out

twilightcustard · 29/01/2022 14:18

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runningoutofnewnames · 29/01/2022 14:26

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TeaBirds · 29/01/2022 14:35

@ancientgran

Sure, I'm happy to explain.

In your post you said that people shouldn't judge you because they 'don't know what you've experienced'

But you were happy to criticise and judge the 19 year old OP for getting locked out twice. You are judging her but also saying that people shouldn't judge you as they don't know about your circumstances. That's why.

I mean, we do know a little about the OP's circumstances and they don't sound great. So maybe we should criticise her less for getting locked out of her home.

It's great that you have never been locked out even though you are nearly seventy. Well done.

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/01/2022 15:09

Sympathies OP, you sound like you're a difficult situation. It's not too late to change things luckily

Kennykenkencat · 29/01/2022 15:12

Who the fuck gets locked out that much

Up until moving to this house I used to be ok as we would leave the key in the door so forgetting keys never was a problem.

Now I get locked out all the time as we have had several keys cut and even the original set are tricky to open the door. Luckily someone is always in and we can ring the bell if the lock and key aren’t playing ball

hellcatspangle · 29/01/2022 15:13

Just get the locks changed and get yourself a key safe to keep the spare in.

Emms2022 · 29/01/2022 15:18

@CheesusWept

Who the fuck gets locked out that much?

What a useless reply, totally agree with @runningoutofnewnames

Thehop · 29/01/2022 15:31

Can you get something like this for a spare?

Defender Wall Mounted Key Safe - Combination Key Safe Outdoor Key Box - Wall Mount Key Lock Box - Push Button Wall Mounted Key Safe - Key Cabinet Key Safe Box Wall Mounted - Keysafe (Grey) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0842PSFQ6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_J58NFKFSHGRA5JE0JEH0?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I’d also think about cameras

And yes definitely save to move asap