am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

It sounds like you need legal advice which is applicable to the place where you live.

Paying ‘under the table’ has left you in the worst of all worlds- is there any record of this e.g . bank transfer, cash withdrawal? Your PIL may well have committed a tax evasion or fraud offence repointing local law, and you may be implicated in that. You need to stop believing what PIL and DH say, and get professional advice.

Change your locks , and get a key safe , wall mounted , to contain a spare key , can only be accessed with a code . Then you can always get in , but maybe you should always have 2 spare keys as you seem to lose a lot

You may as well leave the front door unlocked if you get a keysafe.

@WindyState

You may as well leave the front door unlocked if you get a keysafe.

Why? They've got a code, if that's kept secret then nonissue surely?

New locks, good secure keysafe for spare key.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I think calling someone unhinged is extremely rude and offensive, and it's very unkind of you to speak to the OP, a young woman who has been very open about her fears around boundaries and control.

@ancientgran

You have posted multiple times thereby derailing the thread to make it about you. In all honesty you have brought nothing to the thread except petty bickering. Let it go.

You're both so impressive - at 19, to be working, studying, owning your own home, planning for the future - I was a CHILD at 19.

The problem is, the in laws see you as children. You're where they can keep an eye on you, because children don't get privacy or have the right to their own space. If you were to have a baby, that would be a third child under their control.

No point going over what they said or what you thought would happen before you moved in. Can't change that.

What you can change is how you manage the current situation.

I think you've already changed the locks?

I'd also add a camera for general security but also to see if they do come in while you're out. If there is no evidence, that would reassure you.

Communications. You and your DH need to present an absolutely united front to them so it does not seem to come just from you.

Email them to explain that now you're both in a new stage of life as independent adults you both require a different approach. Talk about boundaries, privacy, consideration for space etc. Explain you'd love to see them when you're expecting them and ready for visitors. State your policy about spare keys. Always 'we' not 'I'. Sign it from both of you.

Assertiveness is hard but can be learned.

The three part sentence 'We understand ... however ... therefore ...' is a great help:

'We understand you like to feel close to us, however we do need privacy and space in our new life together, therefore we need you to call or text to check if we're ready for visitors before coming over'.

Broken record:

'As we say ... ' Repeat. And repeat .

Tone of voice in writing and in person - polite, pleasant, neutral and reasonable language at all times, no matter how you feel.

They're having to learn new behaviour, which takes time, and can be tiring and exasperating for all, but they can be trained.

And praise and thanks when they get it right.

I would get a Ring doorbell short term and move ASAP.

Regardless if they do or don’t, living with this stress hanging over you is unpleasant.

Re the legal/financial aspects - Most of the responders here are in the UK so we don't have a clear sense of the legality of your situation, and it does sound confusing.

So here's what you need more than anything else - expert outside help from a lawyer who knows what they are talking about.

You may learn things you'd rather not - but facing legal issues, getting help and dealing with them will make you feel empowered, supported and able to put things right.

I'm a classic avoider, 'don't think about it,' and I know how frightening anything to do with the law and money can be. I'm currently finally facing a situation that's gone on over a year and got to crisis point, until I got up the courage to ask for expert help and am now putting it right.

If you do have some savings, or if there is some kind of help available to young people in your situation over there, it would be wise to get that expert help first. Find out where you stand, if it was legal, exactly what your rights and responsibilities are etc.

Stop listening to your in laws - they are up to something and you don't want to be caught up and dragged down by it.

Culture and tradition are powerful things. It looks like you've been sucked into a pattern of behaviour that's gone on for generations on their side and your own background makes it harder to be free of it all.

All the best - you are so impressive and articulate in your explanation of a situation that is so different to what most of us over here would experience.

Change your locks and get a Ring camera doorbell. Mine is great - turned out I have entitled neighbours who think they can let themselves into my garden at will!

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@ancientgran

You have posted multiple times thereby derailing the thread to make it about you. In all honesty you have brought nothing to the thread except petty bickering. Let it go.[/quote]
Yes I should just let people unfairly criticise me. I bet you do that all the time.

@ancientgran

It isn't unfair, you were very rude and clearly you are unwilling to concede. Your posts stick out like a sore thumb, you appear to have little self awareness and indeed no empathy.

Change the locks on all outer doors and don't give them a key, they sound stalkerish. You need to make it more than clear, yes security cameras are a good idea, we have a Lorex set that we can check on an app on our phone and can't recommend them enough. You also need to make it clear on e and for all that boundaries are needed and that if they don't like that then they aren't welcome at all. In laws or not, they don't have the right to make you feel like this.

OP you sound really nice, and level headed, and you've been polite in your answers to some really snarky replies.

I think you know what you need to do now. I wish you luck!

And to the faux-shocked "I've never been locked out" posters, I'm 43 and locked myself out at the weekend. It's actually pretty easy to do!

Hey guys. I’m here posting a much needed update and revelation to this dilemma. To clarify— yes, we had changed the locks. However… today I got home to my front door ajar and unlocked!! DH had left shortly after me and swears he did not leave it that way. Not only that, some things were moved and my closet door was left open which DH never touches because nothing of his is in there. We are asking PIL to view their camera footage to see if anyone drove down our drive, but, I told DH that we need to be mindful how they react as they did keep secret keys for almost a year and maybe they did come in (he did not like this accusation, but when I come in my home to see it’s disturbed but nothing stolen…). I found it hard to believe they did but man am I freaking scared at the possibility. If we find that they are suspicious then we will, of course, change the locks once more. Wish me luck and pray they didn’t plant any creepy cameras!! Ugh my biggest dam fear of all.

Hi op sorry to hear someone has been in your home . I would ask to watch the camera footage with them , maybe contact the police and report a break in . This would be the perfect time to install your own cameras that run independently. Good luck

Have you or DH had to lend them keys since the locks were changed?

Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on

Sell up. Move away. This kind of intrusive batshit never goes away.

In the meantime, get an expensive new lock, for all doors & windows too. It doesn;t matter what inlaws think about it - what matters is your own peace of mind.

So you put a new lock on but someone has still got in?

What type of locks are they? Yale or mortice?

Are you sure they haven't pressured your DH to give them one of the new keys "just for emergencies "?

My dm lives next door to my sister. She regularly lets herself in and stands in yhe hall eavesdropping. I know because my teenaged dn told me!
I would NEVER move so close to family. Nearest for me is 200 miles away

New lock and key Safe for if you get locked out. Do not let them know the code to the key safe. And plan to move . Living next door to them will drive you insane

Get a lockbox put the spare key in that
They are only £10
Then get a ring doorbell so you can monitor your home if you need to

I haven't read the whole thread but I read all your posts. If I understand correctly, you own the mobile home but they own the land on which it sits. I believe this explains why they are exhibiting a sense of ownership over your home. In theory, you should be able to move the mobile home to a new location, but in practice it could be tricky, especially if it's an older unit that is more fragile to move. By having you pay for a home one which you do not own the land, they retain effective control over the home.

You have the deed to the home, in any case, so make sure that is secure and they don't take it back while you are out of the house. Not wanting to give you a key to your own home is controlling and actually very disturbing; it's just the icing on a cake of them taking advantage of your youth and your trust to manipulate you for their own benefit. I think you are right not to trust these people and to want to move far away from them.

One thing I want to advise you to do is to get a firebox. You can get one at Home Depot. In this would go your essential documents: the deed (unless you want to hide that, e.g. with one of your siblings, or get a safe at a bank), your marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports, etc.

Your dh sounds somewhat enmeshed with them. I understand you feel very loyal to him but I am wondering if he is as loyal to you. If he insists on sticking to their very unfair "agreement" that you never sell the home, then how do you ever move out? As long as you own the mobile unit, and as long as it's on their land, it serves as a way to control you, and possibly force you to live there forever. In this way, sticking to the "agreement" could be essentially choosing them over your marriage. That is not what marriage is. How are you going to handle that?