am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

@MrsToothyBitch

Your new lock should be completely unique & have unique keys. I bought a lock from a supermarket type shop recently. It was a direct like for like replacement but the old keys definitely don't fit it. Think about it logically- it wouldn't be fit for purpose otherwise. I'd change your backdoor locks if you haven't already though. Then, as pp have said, key safe for spares. Given that they've obviously fed you a line before, do you trust what they said about ring? Have you looked into it? It could be a good deterrent.

You honestly don't have to answer your phone to them ASAP, either. You can temporarily block them, put your phone on dnd etc. If they do appear, ignore. If they try and take over work you're having done etc, remind them they haven't paid for it so they don't get an opinion. I'm confused as to whether they still own your yard or not. If not, their property needs to move if it hasn't already- keep pestering, threaten to bin it. Be seen with bin bags etc after 3 warnings. Any attempts to "use" your yard for storage should be met with "you no longer own this- no".

Sit down with your deeds asap. Lesson learnt that you never agree/accept til you're happy with something. You may have to pay money in retrospect if possible to get things clarified- yard, acerage, ownership etc; remember a non related buyer won't find an enmeshed home at all attractive. You need that buyer one day. Since you do seem to legally own it, I'd then take advantage of whatever the market value of the place actually is to sell it on, as soon as you're able. Just be aware that if it's on an open market/advertised, your PiL might not make it easy.

I love that idea!! An identical knob with different keys. Total mindtwist, they wouldn’t realize their keys don’t work unless they try. I of course will research the ring, but I do believe they were being honest because it fits with their desires. They want access to us, to watch us, a reason contact us if ‘something looked off’. Oftentimes when I’m outside they just rubberneck at me. It’s frustrating. I don’t answer them until I’m on my own time and feel like it, DH does. As for the yard, we’ve got a fence going up. It has a gate tho. I so regret that, but I won’t remove that yet because it would cause a fight. They are moving their stuff finally, I think because they’re tired of me moving it out of my way.

Move your mobile home far far away from PIL (if you do even legally own it)

Tbh, it's sounds like you are getting yourself overly worked up about this, OP. There's easy measures you can take to manage this and stop it being a big deal.

Have a spare key, but don't give it to inlaws. You can get a hidden key safe on the front of your house that only you know the code for - make the code something they can't guess - not your DC's birthday etc. Or give it to a trusted friend.

Get a security camera or a doorbell with camera. (Even without tricky inlaws, it's a good security measure and may deter thieves.)

@hugr

Thank you so much for your advices. We don’t own the land, but by ‘squatters rights’ we soon will.

Lol. You've been had by your PIL, OP. Adverse possession doesn't usually apply until you've been there 10-12 years at least, and then it's very hard to prove continuous occupation.

You are right. We told them about that law when they kept crossing boundaries. Of course I don’t want to be here that long or own the land. I guess it’s more a way of letting them know they can try, but they can’t control us forever.

Reading your responses... So you've already changed your locks...? So what's the problem? If you chose to give them a key for the new locks, then that's your issue.

And like others have said, getting locked out twice in a year... that's weird. It's happened to me exactly once in 11 years.

Hi OP,
Can I recommend that you keep a journal of all of this...if it ever needs to go to court it is often hard to remember what happened and was said when

Can I also recommend that from now on you do not take anything your ILs say to be truthful....do your own research.

Also, not to be feeding into your paranoia any more...but have you checked the inside of your home for hidden cameras? There is something you can do with your mobile phone to check...not entirely sure what

Keep all your paperwork safe. How much of these agreements you made about the house are written down? Are there title deeds to the house anywhere? Whose name is on them

If I were you I would be nice as pie to your ILs but claim you want to do everything as " independently as possible, you know...adulting 101" ....cue a rather girly giggle...."so we can be confident we are ready for our next steps"....they will presume kids...you will mean moving. But you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And they will look at you in terms of "Bless! Look at them playing grown ups!"

You can't force them to look at you differently, people like them don't change but you can keep them onside with misinformation.

Good luck!

@Bexxe

Change the locks completely front and back. Put up a fence and gate also with a lock so they can’t just wonder over.

It’s YOUR house, they can come over and give ‘advice’ but tell them thanks for the advice but I’m doing it this way and shut it down straight away.
You don’t need to pander to them, or even be that nice about it. Don’t ALLOW them to be Ben have a hint of an opinion or persuasion in what you do.

Definitely want to add a lock to my gate. I will start just shutting them down, they love to argue with me. They indirectly criticize everything I do to DH. They pretend to not know all the yardwork and pet are is my doing even though they watch me do it day to day, and then tell him “you can’t be only feeding the pets once a day, they get hungry”. It’s annoying. Everything I do is just up for debate to them. DH believes they don’t know… so he listens.

So you bought a mobile home which is on their land?
And the price was very low?
PIL forced an agreement that you would never sell mobile home.

Cut your losses and leave now
Mobile homes have a limited lifespan, so it is already worth less than you paid for it.
Go as far away as possible.
And make sure you buy the actual land next time. Otherwise it isn’t actually a property transaction and you have no security of tenure.. Or just rent.

Thanks. Maybe I’ll give my dad a key if DH is fine with it

You know that you don't actually have to have your husbands permission for this? And tbh I wouldn't mention it because he might think it's OK for him to give a key to his Dad as well.

@LankylegsFromOz

It's weird but I've lived in this house for 6 years and never locked myself out, nor my previous home where I lived for 10 years. Is this a thing and I'm the odd one out?

I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open.

@hugr

Move your mobile home far far away from PIL (if you do even legally own it)

Looking into that option

I would tell them it hasn’t worked out and they have two choices. Buy the property back from you at the price you paid, or you guys will wait for the land issue to be settled and sell it.

Promises promises… they didn’t keep yours, so…

Emotional manipulation and tears can be dealt with by a kind little lecture saying that it’s clear that they don’t respect you and see the situation now as you being some kind of extra child allowed to share your DH’s life as their little extension, and that the outcome of that would be either you move now and save the relationship or you move later after a total breakdown, in which case they’ll never even know their grandchildren let alone get to control them from next door too.

@TrashyPanda

So you bought a mobile home which is on their land? And the price was very low? PIL forced an agreement that you would never sell mobile home.

Cut your losses and leave now
Mobile homes have a limited lifespan, so it is already worth less than you paid for it.
Go as far away as possible.
And make sure you buy the actual land next time. Otherwise it isn’t actually a property transaction and you have no security of tenure.. Or just rent.

I've looked at OPs other post on this and PILs own the land the mobile home is on.

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

To be fair, OP is still a teenager and if she has grown up in an abusive household, it's harder to just "grow up" if you've never had a responsible adult model in your life, who sets and respects boundaries, doesn't indulge in toxic behaviour and can be relied on to give sound advice and guidance.

If Mumsnet is the closest thing OP has to that, she's fucked! But being serious for a minute, I'm proud of her for coming on to have her beliefs challenged, and her mind changed. Sometimes what's obvious to others (get a key cut, change the locks, you're free to sell unless your OWN lawyer has told you you must not) aren't obvious when you're a teenager and the only adults in your life are telling you different. It takes some effort to get to a point you can even begin to do your own research, simply because you've never known how to look critically at your world.

Excellent response. OP take this on board.

Maybe get a bit of counselling to build up your confidence. If you can't afford 1-1 counselling, maybe some personal development or assertiveness classes might help you, or do some reading about toxic people. There's tons on YouTube.

There are lots of people on MN that like to boast how together they are, and lack any empathy about how it might be different if you grew up in an abusive home with poor role models. It's difficult to know about adulting if you've grown up with people who aren't adults.

*I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open.*

Good for you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've locked myself out a couple of times. I'm an adult. Some people have less organised brains than others. Abuse has a lot to do with it as it is traumatising and affects the actual architecture and functioning of the brain. www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/brain_development.pdf

Luckily the brain is plastic and new neuronal pathways can be formed and strengthened. But it doesn't mean that you're a superior person if you've not experienced abuse or been affected by it. It just means you're fortunate.

It all sounds super sketchy.

You say you own the place you are living but also need to save up to move.

Have you looked at other houses and worked out how much you need to earn or how big a deposit you need to be able to move.
Do it properly. Don’t rely on anyone other than a trained professional to give you advice as the advice you have had so far from your in laws has been shit so far

If you own the mobile home how much is it worth if you sold it to someone who could take it to put on their own site.

Would that boost be enough to move sooner rather than later
I wouldn’t wait for squatters rights to kick in.

When you think you have enough through savings and the potential sale of the mobile home I would look to sell up and move.
Even if you have to go into an Airbnb or rented for a few weeks.

I do think that if you yourself decide that selling the mobile home is a good idea to raise cash I would keep it to yourself. I would not tell your Dh.
Only when you have more than enough saved that you can sell the mobile as a quick sale would I tell your Dh of the plan.
Only then will you know if your Dh is on side. I would specifically tell him that you don’t want his parents knowing anything until you have put your plan in place.

My thoughts are that your Dh is very young and hasn’t psychologically moved out of his parents home and although you are his wife and he loves you very much he puts his parents first and deep down you and him are just playing at being a couple.

Something is really wrong here. Why would your IL’s having a spare key to your home make you feel unsafe? I think it’s good for someone to have a spare key to your home, in case of an emergency.
Sounds like there’s history we’re missing. Helping too much wouldn’t make me feel unsafe about leaving my key.

Get some legal advice.

Fuck whatever promises have been made between you all, because they are obviously worthless and these people are not trustworthy.

You have bought a mobile home. You have the deed that says you own it. You do not own the land it is on. Fine. Maybe you can still sell the mobile home.

Legal advice will be your friend here.

Good luck.

@Pinkyantelope

*I'm nearly 70 and I've never locked myself out. My husband did once but it was a mix up.

I've been driving for 50 years and I've lost a car key once when coping with GC and a buggy I couldn't work out how to open.*

Good for you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've locked myself out a couple of times. I'm an adult. Some people have less organised brains than others. Abuse has a lot to do with it as it is traumatising and affects the actual architecture and functioning of the brain. www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/brain_development.pdf

Luckily the brain is plastic and new neuronal pathways can be formed and strengthened. But it doesn't mean that you're a superior person if you've not experienced abuse or been affected by it. It just means you're fortunate.

No it means I prioritise being able to get into my house.

You know nothing about what I've experienced so your judgement isn't really appropriate.

You sound very, very naive, OP. I think the post above explaining why is very helpful. I’m sorry you grew up in an abusive home. Tbh, it sounds like you’ve moved into a similar dynamic with your PILs. Did you not see how your DH’s parents had been enmeshed with DH’s grandparents? Did you not realise you’d never be a separate unit as a family with your DH? I suspect you’ve never thought/seen other ways to live.

My longterm advice is to look at how other people live and to look at all your options. Make yourself stop and broaden your outlook. When you think you ‘know’ an answer, stop and make sure you’ve really thought about it or asked or googled to see if there are other answers.

The whole thing about not realising you could change the lock and not realising all the knobs came with different keys made me sad. There’s a whole world out there. Widen your horizons. The first step in doing that is to get away from this weird set-up with your PILs. In the meantime, change the locks, and work on some firm but polite boundaries. Dial down the drama and focus on yourself a bit.

we got a key lock thing for side of house put spare key in it with a 4 digit code to open it, you can change the code easily, cost about under £20,problem solved

@Egghead68

Are you in America? Don’t think we have Walmart here.

Of course she is but really, what does it matter?

I can see exactly why they initially seemed so loving and appealing to you. Just know you've done nothing wrong, they are the ones with no respect for boundaries.
There's some really good ideas on this thread.

*No it means I prioritise being able to get into my house.

You know nothing about what I've experienced so your judgement isn't really appropriate.*

You were the one judging. In this case, the OP. You just didn't like being called out on it.

I didn't claim to know your history. If you've experienced abuse and come out of it, then I'd expect you to show empathy for others, not judgement and condescension.

I don't know how many people have keys for my house as we also bought our house from the in-laws, in all honestly I don't care if they want to come in and snoop then let them , we've nothing to hide at all , if they could do the washing or hoovering when they come in that be ace !
My in laws do have boundaries though and only use the keys if I asked them to pop in and let the dog out if I've been delayed or away