am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

Your new lock should be completely unique & have unique keys. I bought a lock from a supermarket type shop recently. It was a direct like for like replacement but the old keys definitely don't fit it. Think about it logically- it wouldn't be fit for purpose otherwise. I'd change your backdoor locks if you haven't already though. Then, as pp have said, key safe for spares. Given that they've obviously fed you a line before, do you trust what they said about ring? Have you looked into it? It could be a good deterrent.

You honestly don't have to answer your phone to them ASAP, either. You can temporarily block them, put your phone on dnd etc. If they do appear, ignore. If they try and take over work you're having done etc, remind them they haven't paid for it so they don't get an opinion. I'm confused as to whether they still own your yard or not. If not, their property needs to move if it hasn't already- keep pestering, threaten to bin it. Be seen with bin bags etc after 3 warnings. Any attempts to "use" your yard for storage should be met with "you no longer own this- no".

Sit down with your deeds asap. Lesson learnt that you never agree/accept til you're happy with something. You may have to pay money in retrospect if possible to get things clarified- yard, acerage, ownership etc; remember a non related buyer won't find an enmeshed home at all attractive. You need that buyer one day. Since you do seem to legally own it, I'd then take advantage of whatever the market value of the place actually is to sell it on, as soon as you're able. Just be aware that if it's on an open market/advertised, your PiL might not make it easy.

@DisforDarkChocolate

Just sell the house if its that bad. Also, I've never lost a house key but we do change the locks when we move into a new house.

Wasn’t allowed to

Key safe with key in it - only you know the code. Change the locks

@Justkeeppedaling

Gosh! You are very young to be able to afford to own a house outright! Well done how did you manage that?

Gosh, read the thread. It's all quite clear.

OP, if you can you could post a photo of the lock. Then we could advise on how to change it. In the uk you only need to replace the middle barrel part on some locks and it's a quick job you can do yourself.

Change the locks completely front and back.
Put up a fence and gate also with a lock so they can’t just wonder over.

It’s YOUR house, they can come over and give ‘advice’ but tell them thanks for the advice but I’m doing it this way and shut it down straight away.
You don’t need to pander to them, or even be that nice about it. Don’t ALLOW them to be Ben have a hint of an opinion or persuasion in what you do.

Did you buy the house from them at normal market rates? or did they sell it at a discounted rate or even gift it to you? I think this makes a big difference to how they view the house.

@Fluenty

YABU as a grown adult to get locked out so much

Change your locks. Problem resolved.

Yes this.

Get a security camera and change the locks - then move.

Please tell me that no sell agreement was verbal!

Definitely check the land details etc online as pp said. I also like the keypad idea and getting a camera doorbell but a different brand. They would 100% try to wrangle with you & tinker with access if you got the same brand as them, now I think about it.

Do you live in a trailer park OP?

I feel like I'm halfway through an episode of a new Netflix drama ...

Do you own the land that your mobile home is on?

I don’t think anyone has answered one of your main questions. No - your PIL can’t just go to the shop, get the same brand of lock and be able to use the key. They can’t all be unique I suppose but they must have 100s of different key combinations to ensure the local burglar can’t go out and do the same thing.

And I’m going to go against popular opinion amd say don’t get a key safe. It’s a combination lock - your PIL will ask your DH the code and then it might just as well be under a flower pot. I would quietly ask a good, reliable college friend to hold on to a spare for you. Ok, your DH might not like it, but you don’t like that he’s allowing his parents to walk all over you.

@FindingMeno

Change the lock again. Install security camera. Give a spare to someone else. Stop forgetting your bloody keys.

Thanks. Maybe I’ll give my dad a key if DH is fine with it

Don’t be such a bloody snob. This site it full of mothers-in-law who let themselves in

I second getting a key safe, only the 2 of you know the pin

@UserBotTrending

I missed in your OP where you said you changed the locks but you're going to have to decide which is worse - the expense of changing the locks again but knowing that if they cannot come inside now. Don't announce this to them btw. Let them keep their old keys. Or, when you do get locked out, you're really really locked out.

I agree that although you're only 19 it's better to deal with parents' feelings of ownership over you sooner rather than later.

It never changes. My parents are 77/78 and I'm 51 and because I always gave in before the last few years, they perceive any boundary I enforce or simply just standing firm in my own interpretation of events as an attack on them. It's become my JOB over the last 51 years of my life to perpetatuate their rosy perceptions of themselves and when I have my own narrative, it's an attack on them.

It's really awful and I wish I'd tackled it when they were younger. I never knew how I guess, because it's not like I've managed it this time.

I will take the risk of getting locked out. They shifty about this in a way I’m just not comfortable. I used to trust them until they lied so much about something so personal. I’m not sure how to fix their feelings, it seems they’ll always feel this way. They get mad at SIL (who lives an hour away with BIL) for not giving news of any of her private life like it’s their business, while also presenting her as the villain because BIL doesn’t visit anymore. It’s messy. Bonding makes it worse, but distance makes it angrier I guess.

YABU for multiple reasons

• why not just change the lock?
• it’s very handy for others to have a key (as you have found out)
• for keeping losing your key
• for getting so wound up at the thought of them having it but not resolving it.

So please change the locks asap, give someone you trust a spare key and start looking after your key.

I just wanted to add that I think OP is bloody brave and showing a good amount of maturity and humility here for a 19 year old 'escaping' as such from an abusive family background.

Keep saving, they've screwed you over. Have you got a girlfriend in town you can leave a spare key with, DH doesn't need to know either really.

You sound hard working and self aware, whatever happens OP, make yourself a fantastic life ok!

Get security cameras for front and back or a ring door bell and change the locks to a keyless entry.

OP I don't think you do own your own house. I think your in laws conned you into giving them lots of money and they are letting you both live there.
If you cannot sell it when you move then it is worth nothing.

I remember your last thread. Feel for you. But your DH seems pretty brainwashed by his family situation. The only solution is to move away.
Keep saving. And get a big keyring so you can't lose your front door key again.

@qwertykeys

Hi op , I too am unfamiliar with American land and home ownership . Do you own the land , is it registered to you at some government land department , the same with the house . If it's all registered to you your in law's can't tell you what you can and can't do , you are free to sell if you want . You can fence your land off on your boundary. If you don't want them to have a key don't give them one , all new locks will have a unique set of keys so if they have purchased the same door handle in hope the key works , it won't . You can put cameras up to cover your property , as I said before if you think they will be able to " tap into" it pop one on the inside to monitor if they go in , in the kindest way if you are still worried they can then somehow watch you on it cover it when your home . I believe they won't be able to access it as it will have its own Access code / set up unique to the device. As for there contact try not to answer the phone , if they comment say it was flat ,you were in the shower, in the garden,having sex or whatever when it rang . Good luck op

Thank you so much for your advices. We don’t own the land, but by ‘squatters rights’ we soon will. Horrible name for the law, but my in-laws are aware of this bill and what it entails in the near future. Definitely will privatize and monitor my home. I do wish our fence didn’t have a gate now. I put it there because they were so pissed we got a fence even tho they agreed. I guess they thought a small girl like me couldn’t put up chain link. I don’t answer or give reason lol. My husband is the one that does. Hopefully when our schedules pick up and he just can’t, they’ll get the message.

@Justkeeppedaling

Gosh! You are very young to be able to afford to own a house outright! Well done how did you manage that?

DH saved a lot, worked loads, actually spent our emergency fund on it.

I think you're doing incredibly well. Keep going.

It's clear to me your PIL don't think you've bought their house. Yes you've paid something for it but they gave you a big discount and I think they view your payment as a way of tying you there. They've even said you can't sell it! How batshit. They wanted all your important documents to keep you there. Everything they do is to keep you from leaving and they want to control every aspect of your life. Your DH can't see that yet because he's still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I think your SIL might be a really big ally for you in the future. She's obviously seen them for what they are and has distanced herself physically and emotionally. You might be able to lend each other support. Your MIL has so far done her best to keep you apart by comparing you and making divisive comments.

I agree with your strategy: keep your head down, keep working, keep saving, get those cameras set up, keep focussed on the prize: leaving. I think tho, that in reality your DH will be your biggest hurdle to overcome. All these things about keyless entry makes me think it's no good if they pressure your DH into giving them access. If they manage to get him onside without telling you, you're fucked. Stay aware of that possibility.

You need to move ASAP.

Thank you so much for your advices. We don’t own the land, but by ‘squatters rights’ we soon will.

Lol. You've been had by your PIL, OP. Adverse possession doesn't usually apply until you've been there 10-12 years at least, and then it's very hard to prove continuous occupation.