am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

@CerealKiller22

So they've involved you in some sort of tax fraud? That's even more concerning than them having a key to the house. Did you pay in cash or bank transfer so you have evidence that you paid? Be very wary going forward about their involvement in any of your financial affairs.

Trust me. We no longer trust them with anything like that. We learned what really went on in that exchange, and then the fact they wanted to keep our title and keys just drove it completely home that something is amiss.

You paid money under the table. That sounds very odd. Did you pay a small amount or the actual amount it is worth?

And why can’t you sell something, which is legally yours?

From what you’re saying, your in laws have manipulated you a lot.

@Loveisthere

Sounds like you are enjoying this drama You find the ils have endless sets of keys yet you had to fight them to get your own You go on a hide the spare key with fil instead of telling him to go away. You see empty door handle packaging at fil and think it is odd. The whole saga is odd. I will give you some advice move

I’m not, I’m scared. And yes, they wanted to have tons of keys but argued with my husband about giving me one for the house I OWN. Odd. Discomforting. I didn’t hide anything with FIL, after I changed the lock, he came to my house and kept trying to convince to put my key in places, really, only he could get to. I just politely listened and never told him if I had a spare or not, or where I’d hide it. He left because I didn’t do what he wanted.

I don't know anything about the mobile home style set ups in the USA but can it be moved to another site? They can't legally stop you if you've paid for it, or received it as a tax dodging 'gift' (unless they want to out themselves to the state).

Otherwise I'd be tempted to just cut my losses and move sooner rather than later. Is going back to your parents for a while an option?

@Wnkingawalrus

I’m not sure you read my post

Pretty sure they did.

Given how often you lose your keys/get locked out, any sane person would think it sensible to leave a spare with a neighbour.

This whole thing is seriously weird. You like them enough to buy their old house and live next door but don’t trust them enough to let them have a key.

As for this:

They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new

Wtf is that all about? You threw a strop because it took them too long to get there and let you in?

They’re probably worried about your mental health (I am). If I was them I’d be running for the hills and moving to get away from my crazy new neighbours…

I’ve posted many responses where I clear up confusion on those quotes :) they completely changed when we moved in, completely went from loving me to fighting with me constantly and trying to turn DH against me.

They were upset because I had put on a new knob they didn’t have keys to. And I didn’t do that out of anger. I was outside in the rain for about an hour before I decided that I should just remove the door knob. I wired it like that because of the way I removed it— a flathead and a hammer.

@Chocaholic9

I hope you move away and gain some independence, OP. This level of enmeshment and involvement with your in laws sounds toxic.

It is, I agree. It’s just feeling like it’s my life now.

Just move asap.
SIL thought it was great moving next door to PIL when there was free childcare on tap and FIL helped renovate the house for free.
After many years of over involvement which has slowly driven SIL mad, PIL are now old and frail and the tables are turning. She feels completely beholden and tied as payback is expected. Moving would now be unthinkable. They are also sadly an irritation to the teen GC who've never had a minutes peace from them over the years.

@Mummyoflittledragon

You paid money under the table. That sounds very odd. Did you pay a small amount or the actual amount it is worth?

And why can’t you sell something, which is legally yours?

From what you’re saying, your in laws have manipulated you a lot.

We paid half the amount they said it was worth (it’s not). A dumb promise they made us make, DH won’t break it because he doesn’t want to sink to anyone’s level. They definitely have. It sucks

@CerealKiller22

I don't know anything about the mobile home style set ups in the USA but can it be moved to another site? They can't legally stop you if you've paid for it, or received it as a tax dodging 'gift' (unless they want to out themselves to the state).

Otherwise I'd be tempted to just cut my losses and move sooner rather than later. Is going back to your parents for a while an option?

I’ve actually never thought of moving back to my parents. To be honest, I was abused there, but atleast I wouldn’t be in this. It sucks to say even though my parents were awfully mean, they knew boundaries and still do.

@cptartapp

Just move asap. SIL thought it was great moving next door to PIL when there was free childcare on tap and FIL helped renovate the house for free. After many years of over involvement which has slowly driven SIL mad, PIL are now old and frail and the tables are turning. She feels completely beholden and tied as payback is expected. Moving would now be unthinkable. They are also sadly an irritation to the teen GC who've never had a minutes peace from them over the years.

Wow. This literally sounds like my in-laws life. The fatherest they got to move was out of my grandparent in laws yard. And now they want it for me! They’re already acting as though we need to support them, calling DH every week for chores… we are moving asap

Ok so this is a mobile home located in their back yard. So the yard is not segregated by fences or the like? If you own the land put a bloody fence up- simple.

They gifted this to you but you paid under the table. In the words of Judge Judy - dumb. For the outside world you have not bought your own home.

I have a feeling that you own the mobile home but not the land it is set on. If this is the case then you have absolutely no claim on their yard and should have sorted it before you ‘bought’ it. If you didn’t and relied on their ‘promises’ well you should have got some legal advice (bet you didn’t do that either).

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt to say you are naïve in all of this. There has been some very good advice about locks and cameras and secure boxes. And why on earth could they get access to your ring if you buy one?

A very big life lesson is this - you have choice you can always say no. I imagine at the tender age of 19 being gifted your own home was more appealing than considering the strings it came with. The red flags should have rung alarm bells at so many points before you ‘purchased/gifted’ this home.

Not knowing the relationship you have with your family this is a judgemental statement, but did you not discuss this with them to get their thoughts?

What does your doh think in all of this? It really isn’t setting you up for a good marriage.

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

Every house we’ve bought,has had all locks changed ,no problem it’s relatively cheap,simple to do.so what is the problem of doing yours?

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice. I know the situation is crazy, and I probably seem crazy too. It’s late where I am, and I made the mistake of staying up worrying. I will be looking into alarms, cameras, a lock box, and new locks. I thank everyone so much for their opinions and suggestions. I’m going to try to relax now :)

Change the locks and get a ring doorbell?

I go out of my way to not involve them. He does. You’re right about that. I don’t really think this is the nicest you could have expressed yourself, but maybe I have been rude and for that I apologize. I don’t want this lifestyle and work daily to distance and save and set boundaries. I love my husband more than anything tho, so I am also forced to be compassionate to the way he sees things. I can’t wait for the day this is so far behind me it doesn’t exist anymore. In the meantime, I need to create a team with my husband and not blame him. By doing that, he’s started to understand me more and work towards me being happy and comfortable.

Honestly, you seem far too young to be involved in all this.

How you read my posts is entirely on you. I have no obligation to write something in the kindest way possible. I didn't mean to be unkind, but nor did I intend to by fluffy and baby you. I bought my first house at 19 and married at 20. My dd is 18. I speak from experience.

You chose this lifestyle. Young or not, not having much experience or not. You chose it. You aren't a bystander in your own life.

Refusing to out blame on your husband, doesn't mean you become a team. That breeds resentment. You are team by tackling this together. You tell him you are unhappy with the way things are and why and come up with a plan together. Or doesn't need to involve blaming him.

You say you can't wait for it all to be behind you. Its going to be a very longtime if he is happy with the set up and pritisies it above your unhappiness. Love yourself more than you love your husband.

Because your plan will end up with you still living there in 40 years with your adults kids living next door.

Nobody seems to have clarified this yet, so I will:

OP of you buy a handle with lock and keys it is unique. Does not matter if you buy it from Walmart or the most expensive locksmith in town. Your PILs can’t get keys to your lock by buying the same one in Walmart. Each handle/lock on the shelf has different keys.

You don’t say why specifically you don’t want them to have it, but you gave two examples of why it’s useful - the twice you got locked out.

Change the locks, get spare keys cut, stop getting locked out, move away. You are being ridiculous. I can see why they treat you like children.

@DiscoGlitterBall

Ok so this is a mobile home located in their back yard. So the yard is not segregated by fences or the like? If you own the land put a bloody fence up- simple.

They gifted this to you but you paid under the table. In the words of Judge Judy - dumb. For the outside world you have not bought your own home.

I have a feeling that you own the mobile home but not the land it is set on. If this is the case then you have absolutely no claim on their yard and should have sorted it before you ‘bought’ it. If you didn’t and relied on their ‘promises’ well you should have got some legal advice (bet you didn’t do that either).

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt to say you are naïve in all of this. There has been some very good advice about locks and cameras and secure boxes. And why on earth could they get access to your ring if you buy one?

A very big life lesson is this - you have choice you can always say no. I imagine at the tender age of 19 being gifted your own home was more appealing than considering the strings it came with. The red flags should have rung alarm bells at so many points before you ‘purchased/gifted’ this home.

Not knowing the relationship you have with your family this is a judgemental statement, but did you not discuss this with them to get their thoughts?

What does your doh think in all of this? It really isn’t setting you up for a good marriage.

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

We actually just put up a fence with their permission. It has a gate tho. Apparently ring provides neighborhood sharing where neighbors can share feed… you see? When we were offered this, we believed them because they’d never done anything wrong to us before. We thought they were earnest. We wanted to be understanding and give them their time. Afterall, they are my husband’s parents. Hard to think them the villian for no reason. I actually don’t argue with them at all. I’m a very passive person irl. I just politely listen and then go away. The arguments in the beginning of the marriage were between them and my husband, but they blamed them on me because they didn’t want to believe my husband wanted space and promises upheld. Anything I have posted on here, any concerns, feelings, have only ever been shared with DH. I don’t tell my in-laws how I feel it is inappropriate and rude.

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

To be fair, OP is still a teenager and if she has grown up in an abusive household, it's harder to just "grow up" if you've never had a responsible adult model in your life, who sets and respects boundaries, doesn't indulge in toxic behaviour and can be relied on to give sound advice and guidance.

If Mumsnet is the closest thing OP has to that, she's fucked! But being serious for a minute, I'm proud of her for coming on to have her beliefs challenged, and her mind changed. Sometimes what's obvious to others (get a key cut, change the locks, you're free to sell unless your OWN lawyer has told you you must not) aren't obvious when you're a teenager and the only adults in your life are telling you different. It takes some effort to get to a point you can even begin to do your own research, simply because you've never known how to look critically at your world.

@DeerMyDear

You don’t say why specifically you don’t want them to have it, but you gave two examples of why it’s useful - the twice you got locked out.

They lie about having keys. They didn’t want me to have a key. They refuse to respect that boundary. It’s unsettling, I don’t want them to have access to my house when they can’t even be upfront with me.

Your dh is wrong to think that selling the place is going against the agreement and sinking to their level. This is the equivalent of throwing away your life raft because someone else has just drowned.

I’m a similar age to his parents, a little older. They are acting appalling and absolutely knew what they were doing. They have the foresight and life experience to know how to get exactly what they wanted. Once you and your dh have had the same life experiences your in laws have had, you will truly understand just how awful they are being.

Don’t get caught up in the thinking that acting honourably is more important than saving yourselves from this controlling situation. There is no honour in your dh continuing to allow himself and his wife to be controlled. You need to extricate yourselves from this enmeshment by any means possible. You both made a mistake and your in laws manipulated you into making it. It would be foolhardy to compound the issue.

Sell your house and move away! Problem solved

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

To be fair, OP is still a teenager and if she has grown up in an abusive household, it's harder to just "grow up" if you've never had a responsible adult model in your life, who sets and respects boundaries, doesn't indulge in toxic behaviour and can be relied on to give sound advice and guidance.

If Mumsnet is the closest thing OP has to that, she's fucked! But being serious for a minute, I'm proud of her for coming on to have her beliefs challenged, and her mind changed. Sometimes what's obvious to others (get a key cut, change the locks, you're free to sell unless your OWN lawyer has told you you must not) aren't obvious when you're a teenager and the only adults in your life are telling you different. It takes some effort to get to a point you can even begin to do your own research, simply because you've never known how to look critically at your world.

Thank you so much. This is my favorite comment. I was abused, mostly psychologically and neglect fully (locked in bathrooms, interrogated on impossible scenarios for hours on end, physically once.. but not once). I really appreciate every comment even the more critical ones because that’s what I need to hear sometimes when I’m in over my head than I should be. The fact is, after all of what I experienced with my family, I thought DH family was my saving grace. Their enmesh ment and lack of boundaries just looked like loads of love to me. I thought they would never lead us astray or hurt my feelings. It’s clear I just chose a different form of toxicity, but at the time I didn’t know that. They started changing as the wedding got closer but I chalked it up to stress. Then we moved in, and they switched completely. Possibly because I expressed a need for space to DH who told them. They didn’t want to leave us alone on our first week of being married! They wanted us to call everyday of our honeymoon! Basically, thank you for understanding that and applauding me for asking the internet even tho I looked like a dummy. I never meant to get into this mess

So do your in-laws own an actual bricks and mortar house and you have 'bought' a caravan on their land?

Why on earth did you buy something that you knew you couldn't sell??? Why can't your in-laws buy it back off you?

I'm very confused!