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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

300 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 05:18

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:05

@Egghead68

What has led you to post this question on Mumsnet?
To get help from other women, who are married, who may have gone through this. If you’re asking because I’m American, there are no sites like this for wives and moms where I am.
OP posts:
tackling · 29/01/2022 07:06

Yeah okay, so you're both still kids effectively. They don't see you as a real married couple. He's their son and they haven't really seen him "leave" the family.

They've probably gifted him something in a way that avoids inheritance tax and keeps him nearby, not to set you up in life, so no wonder they still think they can walk in and out at will (rightly or wrongly).

Honestly, the only way you two will ever have freedom is if you look after yourselves independently and move away.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:08

@AlDanvers

You are the poster that posted a while ago, that thinks your husbands, brothers girlfriend is in competition with you.

When it was actuay clear it was I your head. Things like yiu thinking g you were better than her because your engagement ring is a real diamond and hers is not.

Then you insisted she (also very young) thought she was better because they bough a house and only bought it to beat you too it. And insisted she had started IVF, but had no fertility problems, just so she could beat you to having a child.

Its was fairly clear on that thread that you were causing as much drama as everyone else. I am guessing that's the case.

Move the mobile home, off their land.

That post was not my greatest moment but in my defense that was at a time when I believed everything my mil said. I actually never talk to my sil, haven’t for about a year. This was all through MIL who loves to compare us. The comments made me realize the crazy things I was hearing and thinking, and I have since stopped engaging my mil in conversation like that and assume nothing about SIL, but that she’s happy. You have to remember I’m 19… got a lot of learning
OP posts:
JohannSebastianBach · 29/01/2022 07:08

Just move and stop losing your keys every five minutes.

gamerchick · 29/01/2022 07:08

Easy enough. Living next door to them drives you batshit so it's time to move.

In the meantime get a ring doorbell or something.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:10

@Fridafever

Hang on I’ve just read your other posts - it’s your mobile home on their land? So the yard is theirs. What is it you’ve agreed not to sell then?
We’re not allowed to sell the home. And, they agreed that the yard would be ours when we bought it, but they’d ‘work out the details’ later… later came and they said they didn’t trust us.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:15

@CerealKiller22

Nothing is owed on it. However, we made an agreement with them not to sell it before we bought it. Some yada yada about wanting to pass it down if we move and not wanting random neighbors. Horrible agreement now but there’s nothing we can do but save.

Is this agreement legally binding? Was it written in a contract somewhere? If not then you are free to do whatever you like with that property if you bought it. You owe them nothing, especially if they are treating you the way you say they are.

Short term change the locks and have cameras installed around your property.
Short to mid term move as far away as you can. I would be wary of living like this for too long as it would be very easy to get brow beaten and stuck in a rut. You're so young too.

Is your husband supportive to you and wanting to move away from his parents? Are your parents nearby that could help you out if needed?

It’s not legally binding as far as I know. They’re always super mushy on details that don’t want us to understand. I would love to sell, but there’s not telling. It took them two months to even get the title to the house WE own, they wanted to keep it at their house. Argued with us. I did not trust that.

I am definitely going to look into those solutions. And my parents are about 30mins away, so yes :) he wants to move too, and he’s as supportive as he can be while still not quite understanding what I feel and think, or seeing what I see. He thinks this is more normal than I do. His parents supposedly had the same struggles. Still do actually, his grandparents are just down the drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:16

@AtlasPine

Is it their house then? Did they gift it to you?
No. It’s completely, legally ours. Technically, they gifted. We paid under the table so to speak.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:17

@JohannSebastianBach

Just move and stop losing your keys every five minutes.
Thanks
OP posts:
CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 07:18

If you purchased the property then it should be yours to do what ever you please. Was this a legal sale through a solicitor? I don't know how property sale is done in the USA but here it has to be done through a legal channel. Are you sure you actually own it? Do you have proof? It sounds a bit suspect.

bert3400 · 29/01/2022 07:19

Get a fingerprint lock. You will never need a key again. I think Ring do them . There are loads of keyless entry locks on the market

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:21

@tackling

Yeah okay, so you're both still kids effectively. They don't see you as a real married couple. He's their son and they haven't really seen him "leave" the family.

They've probably gifted him something in a way that avoids inheritance tax and keeps him nearby, not to set you up in life, so no wonder they still think they can walk in and out at will (rightly or wrongly).

Honestly, the only way you two will ever have freedom is if you look after yourselves independently and move away.

They actually want us to live here for the rest of our life. They get very upset when we mention plans to move, and tell us that would ruin everything. They don’t see us adults or married tho, agreed. They see him as their son, and me as his roommate, effectively. In their family, this way of life is almost tradition; generations upon generations have done this. Marry and live next door. Never move. Be a child for life. I didn’t see it for what it was till after, but we will be moving.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:21

@bert3400

Get a fingerprint lock. You will never need a key again. I think Ring do them . There are loads of keyless entry locks on the market
Oooih!! I love that idea!! Thanks!
OP posts:
AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 07:22

You have to remember I’m 19… got a lot of learning

With all due respect you are choosing to live as an adult.

You have set up home on some dodgy agreement with your Pils. Because you have alot to learn.

You can't want to be treated as an adult and live as an adult they cry 'but I am so young I don't know' when things don't work out your way.

You are 2 legal adults living on their land. But you are in that difficult stage where you are legally an adult but not development wise. One of you is their child who doesn't mind their involvement.

Its no surprise that they feel they have to be involved in everything because their son, who also still has a lot to learn and his young wife, aren't (in reality) independent adults and he keeps going to them for help.

Your issue here is that you have blurred the lines, you want to be independent but arent really and your husband chooses to involve them.

The problem here, really, is your husband.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:23

@CerealKiller22

If you purchased the property then it should be yours to do what ever you please. Was this a legal sale through a solicitor? I don't know how property sale is done in the USA but here it has to be done through a legal channel. Are you sure you actually own it? Do you have proof? It sounds a bit suspect.
I honestly don’t know if there was any kind of mediator. It was a lot of phone work. I think my husband went to a tax office once. It was give as a gift, and we payed the asked price under the table because his parents wanted it that way. They said it would affect their social security otherwise.
OP posts:
qwertykeys · 29/01/2022 07:27

Hi op , how horrible to think they have access to your home . I second new locks , an alarm , camera. I think you said you are worried they will be able to 'tap ' into a ring doorbell so maybe put one inside your house and not tell them, that way if they went inside when you are out you will know. Keep saving to move away .

Examsrus · 29/01/2022 07:28

Distance wise how far is your mobile home from there mobile home? I'm beginning to understand the set up. Most of us Brits here thought you were in a bricks and mortar house...

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:29

@AlDanvers

You have to remember I’m 19… got a lot of learning

With all due respect you are choosing to live as an adult.

You have set up home on some dodgy agreement with your Pils. Because you have alot to learn.

You can't want to be treated as an adult and live as an adult they cry 'but I am so young I don't know' when things don't work out your way.

You are 2 legal adults living on their land. But you are in that difficult stage where you are legally an adult but not development wise. One of you is their child who doesn't mind their involvement.

Its no surprise that they feel they have to be involved in everything because their son, who also still has a lot to learn and his young wife, aren't (in reality) independent adults and he keeps going to them for help.

Your issue here is that you have blurred the lines, you want to be independent but arent really and your husband chooses to involve them.

The problem here, really, is your husband.

I go out of my way to not involve them. He does. You’re right about that. I don’t really think this is the nicest you could have expressed yourself, but maybe I have been rude and for that I apologize. I don’t want this lifestyle and work daily to distance and save and set boundaries. I love my husband more than anything tho, so I am also forced to be compassionate to the way he sees things. I can’t wait for the day this is so far behind me it doesn’t exist anymore. In the meantime, I need to create a team with my husband and not blame him. By doing that, he’s started to understand me more and work towards me being happy and comfortable.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:31

@qwertykeys

Hi op , how horrible to think they have access to your home . I second new locks , an alarm , camera. I think you said you are worried they will be able to 'tap ' into a ring doorbell so maybe put one inside your house and not tell them, that way if they went inside when you are out you will know. Keep saving to move away .
Thank you!! The inside camera is an amazing idea! I will keep saving :)
OP posts:
CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 07:32

So they've involved you in some sort of tax fraud? That's even more concerning than them having a key to the house. Did you pay in cash or bank transfer so you have evidence that you paid? Be very wary going forward about their involvement in any of your financial affairs.

Chocaholic9 · 29/01/2022 07:32

@Workinghardeveryday

I do feel for you, I would hate that.

It’s early, what am I missing, locks have been changed, how can they get in?

They call/txt without prior agreement. What a strange comment! I must remember to apologise next time I do that 😂. Isn’t that the point of a phone?!

I know. How weird!

This problem would be solved if you just put your phone on silent, and didn't answer the door. They'd soon get the message. You do realise, OP, that the phone is simply there for your convenience? You are not obligated to answer the phone or reply to texts straight away.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:34

@Examsrus

Distance wise how far is your mobile home from there mobile home? I'm beginning to understand the set up. Most of us Brits here thought you were in a bricks and mortar house...
Not far. Just a walk up a small hill. Maybe 80ft? 100ft? It’s the reason the yard issue popped up. All their stuff was in ours, and, they realized, they were getting the short end of the stick because their yard is much smaller, so they decided we couldn’t have a yard afterall because they didn’t want to lose the acreage.
OP posts:
Wnkingawalrus · 29/01/2022 07:34

I’m not sure you read my post

Pretty sure they did.

Given how often you lose your keys/get locked out, any sane person would think it sensible to leave a spare with a neighbour.

This whole thing is seriously weird. You like them enough to buy their old house and live next door but don’t trust them enough to let them have a key.

As for this:

They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new

Wtf is that all about? You threw a strop because it took them too long to get there and let you in?

They’re probably worried about your mental health (I am). If I was them I’d be running for the hills and moving to get away from my crazy new neighbours…

Chocaholic9 · 29/01/2022 07:34

I hope you move away and gain some independence, OP. This level of enmeshment and involvement with your in laws sounds toxic.

Loveisthere · 29/01/2022 07:35

Sounds like you are enjoying this drama
You find the ils have endless sets of keys yet you had to fight them to get your own
You go on a hide the spare key with fil instead of telling him to go away. You see empty door handle packaging at fil and think it is odd. The whole saga is odd. I will give you some advice move

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