Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

300 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 05:18

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

OP posts:
Mimosa1 · 29/01/2022 08:17

What about an electric keypad? Only you and DH have the code, you can change it regularly, and no issues with getting locked out.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:18

@HaveringWavering

Nobody seems to have clarified this yet, so I will:

OP of you buy a handle with lock and keys it is unique. Does not matter if you buy it from Walmart or the most expensive locksmith in town. Your PILs can’t get keys to your lock by buying the same one in Walmart. Each handle/lock on the shelf has different keys.

I did not know that. That information would have helped a lot. Thank you!!
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2022 08:19

@rainbowstardrops

So do your in-laws own an actual bricks and mortar house and you have 'bought' a caravan on their land?

Why on earth did you buy something that you knew you couldn't sell??? Why can't your in-laws buy it back off you?

I'm very confused!

Because they’re manipulative.

They manipulated two teens to pay for a mobile home on their land, which they legally gifted to them and made them promise not to sell it.

The whole idea was to make op and her dh as financially destitute as possible and unable to escape.

Why would they relinquish that control when it has been so cunningly cultivated?

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:20

@rainbowstardrops

So do your in-laws own an actual bricks and mortar house and you have 'bought' a caravan on their land?

Why on earth did you buy something that you knew you couldn't sell??? Why can't your in-laws buy it back off you?

I'm very confused!

Nope. They own a mobile too. Just a newer, bigger one. I think they kind of think of ours as a backup. I say that because they always have backups, even when not said. That would make sense as to why they’re so determined to not lose access to it. They wouldn’t buy it back. Part of that stupid deal is if we moved we’d just give it back. They made us promise not to sell. It’s a whole mess. And confusing to navigate.
OP posts:
Flakjacketon · 29/01/2022 08:20

Change the locks. Get a key safe for your spare and don't give the inlaws the code. If you DH objects - change him.

ittakes2 · 29/01/2022 08:21

You lose your key so often I think it’s a mistake not getting a spare. Sounds like you need to move.

Aposterhasnoname · 29/01/2022 08:21

First rule of buying a house. Change the locks, first day, first job. Thought everyone did that.

saraclara · 29/01/2022 08:22

[quote RobertsYourFathersBrother]@LankylegsFromOz - I found it odd too. I've never locked myself out as an adult. Maybe once or twice as a kid coming home from high school and forgetting keys at home but never as an adult.[/quote]
So many smug posts like this. I've locked myself out several times. When you have a self locking door that slams easily in the wind, it happens. That's why I have a key safe.

OP is 19 now, so presumably 18 when she locked herself out a couple of times a year ago. Give her a break FFS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2022 08:22

This stupid deal is a verbal one though, right? So screw them.

AngelinaFibres · 29/01/2022 08:23

Are you and your husband very young Op ?

FindingMeno · 29/01/2022 08:23

Change the lock again. Install security camera.
Give a spare to someone else.
Stop forgetting your bloody keys.

AngelinaFibres · 29/01/2022 08:24

Oh just seen that you are 19.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/01/2022 08:25

Just sell the house if its that bad. Also, I've never lost a house key but we do change the locks when we move into a new house.

NoLongerTroels · 29/01/2022 08:25

Are you sure you even own the house if you paid for it under the table? In the US you can go to the county website and look at all properties and who owns them, you may have to google to the the right site. Where we lived it was free, I stumbled on it through the local realtor and Multiple listing site when we were getting ready to sell.
I believe you can password protect your ring doorbell so no one else can view your feed too. Theres also an Amazon version.
Change all the locks and key them together so one key works on front and back doors. Get decent locks from Lowes or Home Depot, not Walmart.

DiscoGlitterBall · 29/01/2022 08:26

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

Honestly, in all this you need to grow up, I get a feeling you like this drama, that you haven’t evolved from the teen and you seem to be arguing and falling out with everyone. If they did gift this home to you and you paid very little count your blessings because it is a lot more than most get. If it comes with string then you either accept them (because that’s part of this deal), sever them and live with the consequences or move.

To be fair, OP is still a teenager and if she has grown up in an abusive household, it's harder to just "grow up" if you've never had a responsible adult model in your life, who sets and respects boundaries, doesn't indulge in toxic behaviour and can be relied on to give sound advice and guidance.

If Mumsnet is the closest thing OP has to that, she's fucked! But being serious for a minute, I'm proud of her for coming on to have her beliefs challenged, and her mind changed. Sometimes what's obvious to others (get a key cut, change the locks, you're free to sell unless your OWN lawyer has told you you must not) aren't obvious when you're a teenager and the only adults in your life are telling you different. It takes some effort to get to a point you can even begin to do your own research, simply because you've never known how to look critically at your world.

I have a lot of sympathy for what you’ve posted absolutely and a lot of sadness if people really rely on AIBU for adulting advice (I can’t think of the right terminology). I also get that some people don’t understand if have knowledge of how to do things.

Back when I was a teen I’d have had no clue about keys, but I also didn’t have things like the internet to do the research so was reliant on others (in my sphere) for that guidance.

Given the posters pervious interaction with AIBU I’m sure she knew what she was going to get on this board.

Sadly she has been handed a big life lesson about big gifts and strings, seeking legal advice on land deals and not all adults are honest and fair. We’ve all been through the later at some point, thankfully most of us not in a similar situation to the op.

If it looks too good to be true, it usually is.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:27

@Mummyoflittledragon

Your dh is wrong to think that selling the place is going against the agreement and sinking to their level. This is the equivalent of throwing away your life raft because someone else has just drowned.

I’m a similar age to his parents, a little older. They are acting appalling and absolutely knew what they were doing. They have the foresight and life experience to know how to get exactly what they wanted. Once you and your dh have had the same life experiences your in laws have had, you will truly understand just how awful they are being.

Don’t get caught up in the thinking that acting honourably is more important than saving yourselves from this controlling situation. There is no honour in your dh continuing to allow himself and his wife to be controlled. You need to extricate yourselves from this enmeshment by any means possible. You both made a mistake and your in laws manipulated you into making it. It would be foolhardy to compound the issue.

Honestly. The same scenario has played out with previous generations. I know they knew what they were doing and meant to deceive us. They knew DH would never agree otherwise. They’ve said before their ideal lifestyle would be a mansion with everyone in a different wing…. Gag. Anyways, I don’t know there is much I can do. Convincing DH to slight his parents so bad is hard, for me because they’ll blame me, and for him because he’d ‘hurt’ them. As hard as it is, saving is the best bet to keep tensions down between us.
OP posts:
UserBotTrending · 29/01/2022 08:27

I missed in your OP where you said you changed the locks but you're going to have to decide which is worse - the expense of changing the locks again but knowing that if they cannot come inside now. Don't announce this to them btw. Let them keep their old keys. Or, when you do get locked out, you're really really locked out.

I agree that although you're only 19 it's better to deal with parents' feelings of ownership over you sooner rather than later.

It never changes. My parents are 77/78 and I'm 51 and because I always gave in before the last few years, they perceive any boundary I enforce or simply just standing firm in my own interpretation of events as an attack on them. It's become my JOB over the last 51 years of my life to perpetatuate their rosy perceptions of themselves and when I have my own narrative, it's an attack on them.

It's really awful and I wish I'd tackled it when they were younger. I never knew how I guess, because it's not like I've managed it this time.

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:27

@Mimosa1

What about an electric keypad? Only you and DH have the code, you can change it regularly, and no issues with getting locked out.
I love that idea!! Thank you!!
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:28

@ittakes2

You lose your key so often I think it’s a mistake not getting a spare. Sounds like you need to move.
When I’m outside, I only close the screen door now. And my key is ALWAYS in my purse. Haven’t had the issue since
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:31

@Aposterhasnoname

First rule of buying a house. Change the locks, first day, first job. Thought everyone did that.
I wanted to, but IL were especially controlling then.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:32

@Mummyoflittledragon

This stupid deal is a verbal one though, right? So screw them.
I like you’re attitude:) wish me luck
OP posts:
qwertykeys · 29/01/2022 08:32

Hi op , I too am unfamiliar with American land and home ownership . Do you own the land , is it registered to you at some government land department , the same with the house . If it's all registered to you your in law's can't tell you what you can and can't do , you are free to sell if you want . You can fence your land off on your boundary. If you don't want them to have a key don't give them one , all new locks will have a unique set of keys so if they have purchased the same door handle in hope the key works , it won't .
You can put cameras up to cover your property , as I said before if you think they will be able to " tap into" it pop one on the inside to monitor if they go in , in the kindest way if you are still worried they can then somehow watch you on it cover it when your home . I believe they won't be able to access it as it will have its own Access code / set up unique to the device.
As for there contact try not to answer the phone , if they comment say it was flat ,you were in the shower, in the garden,having sex or whatever when it rang .
Good luck op

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:33

@AngelinaFibres

Are you and your husband very young Op ?
Yes very
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 08:35

@NoLongerTroels

Are you sure you even own the house if you paid for it under the table? In the US you can go to the county website and look at all properties and who owns them, you may have to google to the the right site. Where we lived it was free, I stumbled on it through the local realtor and Multiple listing site when we were getting ready to sell. I believe you can password protect your ring doorbell so no one else can view your feed too. Theres also an Amazon version. Change all the locks and key them together so one key works on front and back doors. Get decent locks from Lowes or Home Depot, not Walmart.
Thank you so much. These are all so helpful and informative. We have a title and receive taxes, so I’m sure we do. But it was sketchy in the beginning when they wouldn’t give us our paperwork. Tried to keep DH birth certificate too. Weird
OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 29/01/2022 08:35

Gosh! You are very young to be able to afford to own a house outright! Well done how did you manage that?