Page 3 | am I totally crazy for being scared that my in-laws might have a key to my house??

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 2022-01-29T05:18:23+00:00

Ok, I think a little too much. Worry a little too much. The fact is, DH and I moved into parent IL’s old home after they bought the nicer one next door. Then fighting ensued about boundaries. Whether or not they had to ask to be in our yard, whether or not it was our yard, whether or not they’d move their things to their yard or keep using ours, whether or not they could text and call when they please… list goes on. Anyways, one big thing that has unsettled me SO much was their insistence on owning a key to our house even though WE own it and don’t want them to. They argued for weeks. Gave us a key and said that was all. I told DH I just didn’t believe them. Then we got locked out. Turns out they had another! So we took that one and didn’t give it back. But I still didn’t believe that was it. They said that was all, but I just knew. Anyways, we kept that as a spare until I wrecked and lost my main key, so the spare became my main and we were left spareless. I got locked out again. So, I figured I’d ask. Hell, they had 2 more. They were mighty upset and desperate when they found out I just tore off the door knob in impatience while waiting on them and then replaced it with something new. Now I’m just so nervous. FIL spent a good while after he saw my new knob trying to convince me of the ‘best places’ to hide my spare. We opted out of getting a spare partially because of that. It was off putting when he told me I could hide it in his shed knowing how they’ve acted about keys to our house. But I’m so worried because that knob is just a basic Walmart one with the brand on display, how do I know they didn’t find it and buy it to have their own keys? And why do they want access so dam bad? I’m sorry it just makes me so scared and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, they say it’s for an emergency but are unable to elaborate and don’t care that we don’t want them to have keys. AIBU?? Help! It sounds crazy, but clearly they weren’t being put to use while I’m at home, so I’ve sometimes been caught in the rabbit hole of wondering if they let theirselves in when we’re away. Tell me what you think please!!

SpringDaisies · 29/01/2022 06:41

Hey OP, I get it, it’s really important to feel like when you come inside or leave your home and close the door you are securing it against the world. It’s your safe space. Until it’s not, and you wonder if someone else can invade. It’s important to me too.

But, I’m a bit worried, as your reaction to this has you ‘so worried’ ‘almost panicking’ and ‘so frantic’. There is no need to have such heightened emotions - this is a problem easily solved by a small amount of money, and a day. You either:
A) get the locksmith out, change all locks and get his reassurance that the key can’t be duplicated. Also get him to install a key safe on your property for the spare key.
B) Install a camera at each entrance and exit point of the house (eg from and back door), and at the key safe. Or you could just get a camera doorbell above, and it is one less job.
C) Text in-laws and say you’ve been told to install cameras around your house for insurance reasons (half the job of cameras is to deter as people don’t want to be caught on them, so tell them). You recommend they do as well, as we should all be safe in this day and age.

Job done.

I get when we are 19 we use dramatic language, so things might not be so bad as you are saying. But if I was ‘really panicking’ about it, I would organise the above to be sorted within 24 hours and so I wasn’t panicking over a solveable problem.

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:42

@Examsrus

You mentioned you own the house fully now, why can't you sell it to move it there is still a larger mortgage?

Thanks

Nothing is owed on it. However, we made an agreement with them not to sell it before we bought it. Some yada yada about wanting to pass it down if we move and not wanting random neighbors. Horrible agreement now but there’s nothing we can do but save.

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Darbs76 · 29/01/2022 06:46

You need to change the locks (changing the barrel if you can is cheaper) and get a ring doorbell so you can see who is coming in. I think living next door to parents / in-laws is never a good idea. Especially if they don’t respect boundaries, and the fact they used to live there makes it even harder as they probably still think of it as their own home

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:47

@SpringDaisies

Hey OP, I get it, it’s really important to feel like when you come inside or leave your home and close the door you are securing it against the world. It’s your safe space. Until it’s not, and you wonder if someone else can invade. It’s important to me too.

But, I’m a bit worried, as your reaction to this has you ‘so worried’ ‘almost panicking’ and ‘so frantic’. There is no need to have such heightened emotions - this is a problem easily solved by a small amount of money, and a day. You either:
A) get the locksmith out, change all locks and get his reassurance that the key can’t be duplicated. Also get him to install a key safe on your property for the spare key.
B) Install a camera at each entrance and exit point of the house (eg from and back door), and at the key safe. Or you could just get a camera doorbell above, and it is one less job.
C) Text in-laws and say you’ve been told to install cameras around your house for insurance reasons (half the job of cameras is to deter as people don’t want to be caught on them, so tell them). You recommend they do as well, as we should all be safe in this day and age.

Job done.

I get when we are 19 we use dramatic language, so things might not be so bad as you are saying. But if I was ‘really panicking’ about it, I would organise the above to be sorted within 24 hours and so I wasn’t panicking over a solveable problem.

You’re right. I tend to be a bit dramatic because I think on it too much. To me, when they stop arguing about it, it’s because they’ve found a solution (in past experience) so I guess I just started worrying how and what since they’ve dropped it. As for the cameras, definitely going to look into that. I’d probably opt for doorbell because honestly, we’re gone so much now, I just want to know first if anything was amiss. They have tried to convince a few times before to get a server camera system so they could view our feed, but that was months of telling us we we’re allowed because they didn’t want to be on camera if they were outside… thank you, your solutions are very reasonable and safe sounding. Thanks for being empathetic too :)

OP posts:

Boomboomackalackalackaboom · 29/01/2022 06:47

Move.

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:49

**they tried to convince us to get ‘ring’ I think, so they could view our feed as they already have it, but I declined because that weirded me out. Before that, though, months were spent on reminding us we weren’t allowed to have cameras because they didn’t want to be filmed if they were outside. Sorry, mistyped

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Egghead68 · 29/01/2022 06:51

Are you in America? Don’t think we have Walmart here.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/01/2022 06:51

Yanbu

They wont change their view that you are children. So accept it and work on boundaries.

That said, Part of their perception will be based on things like losing your keys. Honestly.. Losing your keys that much isn't normal I am sure you think it is but it it isn’t for adults. Isid this kind of thing at uni a lot. I am 30s now and it has happened once between my dh and I in 10 years and even then it was because he accidentally picked up my keys and I realised the moment I left the house.
Also when things happen do NOT ask them for help. I would not have even asked for a spare I'd have called my DH and if both locked out got a locksmith to come out.

Get a safe key box(see link) installed and make the code truly random - also you can change the code if needed
www.amazon.co.uk/Key-Safe-Box/s?k=Key+Safe+Box&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Personally I would not be wasting my money on cctv to monitor my pil, you are just giving them more headspace and letting them live rent free in your mind.

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:52

@Darbs76

You need to change the locks (changing the barrel if you can is cheaper) and get a ring doorbell so you can see who is coming in. I think living next door to parents / in-laws is never a good idea. Especially if they don’t respect boundaries, and the fact they used to live there makes it even harder as they probably still think of it as their own home

Agreed. It actually bugged me for the longest time because they always called it their ‘old house’ instead of our home. They use ring and tried to get us to get it so we could share our feed, so I might would opt for a different brand. It is hard living next to them.. thank you :)

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timeisnotaline · 29/01/2022 06:52

Nothing is owed on it. However, we made an agreement with them not to sell it before we bought it. Some yada yada about wanting to pass it down if we move and not wanting random neighbors. Horrible agreement now but there’s nothing we can do but save.
I think they made lots of promises and relationships are a 2 way street. You should start raising with your dh that there is a line and if your parents in law cross it then really any commitment to them to not sell the house is cancelled. If he had to choose between not selling the house because he promised his parents even though he can see they are being awful to you, and you leaving him, where would he sit? I would try and get him on board to say if you keep being ridiculous and calling us every 10 minutes we are home, I don’t want to have to put my phone on do not disturb, we’d have to seriously consider renting or selling so we can live further away.

Fridafever · 29/01/2022 06:52

What do you mean when you say you agreed not to sell the house - why would saving help that?

AtlasPine · 29/01/2022 06:52

I assume at 19, you own the house because it was given to you? Apologies if I’m wrong. Did they gift the house to you? If so - it’s hard to accept a gift like that without there being some strings. I agree they’re being unreasonable though. Gift or not, you are entitled to your privacy.

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:53

@Boomboomackalackalackaboom

Move.

Trying

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RobertsYourFathersBrother · 29/01/2022 06:53

@LankylegsFromOz - I found it odd too. I've never locked myself out as an adult. Maybe once or twice as a kid coming home from high school and forgetting keys at home but never as an adult.

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:54

@Egghead68

Are you in America? Don’t think we have Walmart here.

Yes :)

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Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 06:56

@Totalwasteofpaper

Yanbu

They wont change their view that you are children. So accept it and work on boundaries.

That said, Part of their perception will be based on things like losing your keys. Honestly.. Losing your keys that much isn't normal I am sure you think it is but it it isn’t for adults. Isid this kind of thing at uni a lot. I am 30s now and it has happened once between my dh and I in 10 years and even then it was because he accidentally picked up my keys and I realised the moment I left the house.
Also when things happen do NOT ask them for help. I would not have even asked for a spare I'd have called my DH and if both locked out got a locksmith to come out.

Get a safe key box(see link) installed and make the code truly random - also you can change the code if needed
]]

Personally I would not be wasting my money on cctv to monitor my pil, you are just giving them more headspace and letting them live rent free in your mind.

I don’t ever call for help or want to. My husband always does. He doesn’t see an issue with them helping, it’s the way his grandparents did with them while he grew up. That time was an exception because I just KNEW they had a key. But then I decided to put that to an end and just remove the knob.

OP posts:

Egghead68 · 29/01/2022 06:56

What has led you to post this question on Mumsnet?

Fridafever · 29/01/2022 06:58

Hang on I’ve just read your other posts - it’s your mobile home on their land? So the yard is theirs. What is it you’ve agreed not to sell then?

CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 07:00

Nothing is owed on it. However, we made an agreement with them not to sell it before we bought it. Some yada yada about wanting to pass it down if we move and not wanting random neighbors. Horrible agreement now but there’s nothing we can do but save.

Is this agreement legally binding? Was it written in a contract somewhere? If not then you are free to do whatever you like with that property if you bought it. You owe them nothing, especially if they are treating you the way you say they are.

Short term change the locks and have cameras installed around your property.
Short to mid term move as far away as you can. I would be wary of living like this for too long as it would be very easy to get brow beaten and stuck in a rut. You're so young too.

Is your husband supportive to you and wanting to move away from his parents? Are your parents nearby that could help you out if needed?

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:01

@timeisnotaline

Nothing is owed on it. However, we made an agreement with them not to sell it before we bought it. Some yada yada about wanting to pass it down if we move and not wanting random neighbors. Horrible agreement now but there’s nothing we can do but save. I think they made lots of promises and relationships are a 2 way street. You should start raising with your dh that there is a line and if your parents in law cross it then really any commitment to them to not sell the house is cancelled. If he had to choose between not selling the house because he promised his parents even though he can see they are being awful to you, and you leaving him, where would he sit? I would try and get him on board to say if you keep being ridiculous and calling us every 10 minutes we are home, I don’t want to have to put my phone on do not disturb, we’d have to seriously consider renting or selling so we can live further away.

I wish there was an easier way. I hate creating so much tension with DH because his parents are so…. You know. He’s a man of his word and won’t break his promise. Honestly, they’ve convinced him they’ve never made those promises. I already have them on DND though.. he doesn’t but I do. Besides, they blow up his phone, not mine. He doesn’t see this because they act so mindless and accidental and nice when he’s around, but when it’s just me, they’re assertive and argumentative. I wouldn’t threaten to leave him. He’s my husband, I want to solve issues with civil discourse.

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Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:02

@Fridafever

What do you mean when you say you agreed not to sell the house - why would saving help that?

We are going to buy a house.

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AtlasPine · 29/01/2022 07:03

Is it their house then? Did they gift it to you?

Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:03

@AtlasPine

I assume at 19, you own the house because it was given to you? Apologies if I’m wrong. Did they gift the house to you? If so - it’s hard to accept a gift like that without there being some strings. I agree they’re being unreasonable though. Gift or not, you are entitled to your privacy.

Pretty much. My husband payed the value pil assigned to it. It was unbelievable at the time, but there were definitely strings.

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Original poster

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 29/01/2022 07:04

@AtlasPine

Is it their house then? Did they gift it to you?

It’s our house. Technically, legally, it was gifted. But we payed what they asked.

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AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 07:04

You are the poster that posted a while ago, that thinks your husbands, brothers girlfriend is in competition with you.

When it was actuay clear it was I your head. Things like yiu thinking g you were better than her because your engagement ring is a real diamond and hers is not.

Then you insisted she (also very young) thought she was better because they bough a house and only bought it to beat you too it. And insisted she had started IVF, but had no fertility problems, just so she could beat you to having a child.

Its was fairly clear on that thread that you were causing as much drama as everyone else. I am guessing that's the case.

Move the mobile home, off their land.