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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
Fanx · 31/01/2022 16:01

@ldontWanna

Working with (other people's children) really isn't the same as having your own. There's no comparison. You have a duty of care towards them. It's conditional. It's hard to see this when you don't have your own. This is coming from someone who had their child very late (late 30s).

Depends on the person doing the job. For some it's just a job. Some,however, actually love the kids they work with, they become theirs for the year(at least). They know their hopes and dreams,their fears and worries. They check they ate ,that everything is ok, know what they like and dislike, the little things and the big things. They worry about them and stay up late at night thinking of how to help them. They have a joke and a laugh,they hold them when they cry.That's on top of the educating and teaching that come with the job.

Is it exactly the same as having your own kid? No. Can it still be love and care and get quite close to it? Of course.

@IdontWanna Someone in a professional paid capacity really shouldn't be exhibiting feelings of love in their workplace (towards children). It's quite unprofessional and rather weird I think.
Hdhr8jsj · 31/01/2022 16:15

If you had asked me this 10 years ago I would have said yes I regretted it. But they are all over 18 now so I have less regrets Grin

It's bloody hard, relentless work being a good parent. I don't have a maternal bone in my body and have never been broody.

I now have someone to leave the cats with when we go away - bonus!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/01/2022 16:18

Yes, they have given meaning to my life

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 16:22

@uncomfortablydumb53

Yes, they have given meaning to my life
But did your life not have meaning before children? What about people who can’t have children or who don’t want children. do their lives have no meaning?
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/01/2022 16:22

I absolutely would still have them knowing what I know now. They’re my favourite people and great company.

But if motherhood is not for you then that’s also fine. So long as you’re not like my dsis who thinks not having kids is fine as my kids will look after her in her old age. Frankly I’m not convinced they’ll even look after me, let alone her Grin. But I’m sure that’s not what most people would base decisions on.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/01/2022 16:25

I have three grown up DC and absolutely no regrets. I loved all of it and love that I have helped create happy, healthy,productive adults.

floatinginmyhomie · 31/01/2022 16:25

Yes 100%. It’s just like I imagined really, but then I’m the oldest sibling/cousin/grandchild etc so was raised with lots of young children and I know how difficult it can be so I think my expectations were realistic. I really enjoy motherhood though

megladon2020 · 31/01/2022 16:27

Yes I would, and I'd have only 1 again. Had dd when I was 27 and then couldn't have anymore. Always wanted 3. But now when I look at my life compared to friends who have 2/3dc my life is so calm and in a way I'm glad the decision was made for me. Dd is now 11 and life is easy (relatively) and we have so much fun. Having 1 Imo is under rated.

Anthurium · 31/01/2022 16:52

@LuckySantangelo35

"But did your life not have meaning before children? What about people who can’t have children or who don’t want children. do their lives have no meaning?"

For me, my life up until a certain point felt like it had meaning in itself. Until about 36. But when I became quite depressed at the thought that it'd carry on as it were (me being single/no family of my own/just caring about my flat, work, going on holidays/going out all well and good but nothing more than that), it just felt pointless as I'd had enough of that 'dimension' in my life, it felt 'done' and I needed/wanted a new, challenging direction in life. So yes my life felt 'meaningless' to me.

I can't speak for those who couldn't have children but wanted them (and saw meaning in having children). I'm sure a lot of people struggle initially with the future they'd imagined but now will never have. It's probably quite complex. For those that don't want childbirth, I'd imagine they have other ideals in life that'd give them meaning.

Are you child free not by choice, or by choice, or do you have children?

KedgeIsland · 31/01/2022 16:53

@floatinginmyhomie

Yes 100%. It’s just like I imagined really, but then I’m the oldest sibling/cousin/grandchild etc so was raised with lots of young children and I know how difficult it can be so I think my expectations were realistic. I really enjoy motherhood though
This was my position eldest daughter of a large family and it was in large part responsible for my decision not to have children for years, and then my decision to have only one. Nothing says 'Not fun' like a large, impecunious family where the parents are so busy trying to keep a roof over everyone's head there's no time or space for anything like individual attention -- we were just a sort of collective as children.
Chikapu · 31/01/2022 17:03

What about people who can’t have children or who don’t want children. do their lives have no meaning?

You do understand she's speaking for herself here? There was no judgement about other people in her words.

OP, I'm 52 and childfree by choice. I just never had any desire to be a mother, never felt a biological clock ticking or felt it was something I should do to appease anyone else.
I also worked with children for a very long time, I enjoyed it immensely but was always glad that someone else was taking those children home and I got evenings and weekends to myself.
I'm a very self-contained person and like my own company, a child would have taken too much away from me that I knew I wasn't willing or able to give.

Joinedforthis22 · 31/01/2022 17:06

Yes because I wouldn't want to live in a world where my child didn't exist, but we are also one and done because it is so draining and hard and tested our relationship at times.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 17:13

Thank your for the replies to my comments. Not suggesting judgment from previous posters who feel their lives had no meaning until children, just genuinely curious! Its not a view I have so difficult to understand. I suppose I just find it a bit depressing that of all of the other amazing things a woman could do (having children is amazing too which is why I say other), it’s procreating that is the one and only thing that ultimately gives a sense of meaning and purpose to ones life

Musttryharder2021 · 31/01/2022 17:33

@LuckySantangelo35

Thank your for the replies to my comments. Not suggesting judgment from previous posters who feel their lives had no meaning until children, just genuinely curious! Its not a view I have so difficult to understand. I suppose I just find it a bit depressing that of all of the other amazing things a woman could do (having children is amazing too which is why I say other), it’s procreating that is the one and only thing that ultimately gives a sense of meaning and purpose to ones life
@LuckySantangelo35

All of the other things that I accomplished don't feel as visceral. Giving birth was one of the most visceral processes I've encountered in my life. It's literally you have created and given birth. It's unique. My job isn't visceral in such a way it's just a paycheck (I don't have a career to speak of) , my house is nice but it's still just a house.. I'd say human connections with others would form part of having a meaningful life (partners/parents/ siblings). It depends on your individual circumstances.

HTH1 · 31/01/2022 17:39

One million percent I would!

CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2022 17:44

I wanted children but couldn’t have them. But I never once felt my life would be meaningless if I didn’t have them and I don’t think my life is meaningless now.

ldontWanna · 31/01/2022 17:46

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

I absolutely would still have them knowing what I know now. They’re my favourite people and great company.

But if motherhood is not for you then that’s also fine. So long as you’re not like my dsis who thinks not having kids is fine as my kids will look after her in her old age. Frankly I’m not convinced they’ll even look after me, let alone her Grin. But I’m sure that’s not what most people would base decisions on.

That's part of the reason I got adopted.Grin

My dad made a joke about his nephew (and godson) bringing him a glass of water in old age. My aunt, his mum got all snarky and told him to get his own kid of he wants to be looked after. So they did.

Joke's on all of them. My cousin can't stand his mum and is NC and I fucked off to another country.Grin

Franticbutterfly · 31/01/2022 17:53

Yes, I'd have had more (I have 3dds).

WaningMoon · 31/01/2022 17:53

it’s procreating that is the one and only thing that ultimately gives a sense of meaning and purpose to ones life

This is to be expected though- we are sentient mammals, the reason for our very existence on earth is to procreate, so our physiology needs to make it pay off.

Camomila · 31/01/2022 17:57

Yes, definitely. Currently undecided whether to have one more (have 2 DC)

LaBelleSausage · 31/01/2022 17:59

Conflicted.
My ex husband cheated and blamed the kids/my pregnancy.
As the resident parent/primary carer my life would be so much easier if I didn't have kids.
Especially with him.

But I don't think I could be without them.

hivemindneeded · 31/01/2022 18:07

I would. And their early years were, without doubt, the worst of my life due to sleep deprivation. PND and DS2 being constantly seriously ill. But we survived and nothing has ever come close to the joy I feel from having DC. Apart from their baby years which I hated, I have loved every minute. I really enjoy being a parent and I love their company. Life would have felt thin and pointless to me without them in it. But I respect anyone who chooses not to have children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 18:10

@Musttryharder2021
Interesting. Maybe that’s part of the difference then. I do have a career which gives me a great sense of value, meaning, identity etc. Perhaps if I didn’t have that I would feel that children was the only thing to give my life meaning

LucyOrli · 31/01/2022 18:13

I have a very young baby - only a few weeks old and I was very worried that somehow I’d regret it. I haven’t for a moment. I adore him and I really wasn’t very maternal. It’s impossible to imagine what you feel for your child because it’s a relationship like no other: your parents have always been there, your partner you get to love gradually (usually!) whereas your love for your baby just punches you in the face. I can’t get enough of him, especially now I’ve healed up and we’re off on adventures together. I don’t feel like my identity has been lost - I’m still me, just with an added extra. You do need a lot of support though: sleep deprivation is not to be underestimated. I think more women would enjoy being mothers if they had more sleep.

Whelmed · 31/01/2022 18:18

It's a tricky question to answer because if I say no I wouldn't have had kids I feel like that's almost the same as saying I wish my DC didn't exist! I know it's not but that's how it feels. I'm so happy I had the chance to have DC and I get to see them grow up and they really are amazing little people. But I will say that I would have been just as happy either way. But then I never had a massively strong maternal urge. I love my DC and I'm glad I had them and I know if I hadn't had them I would also have been happy. Just with more money and time and sleep and travel and outings and hobbies and friends!