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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
DeliaOwens · 31/01/2022 22:40

No. The worry of how this country/world is. Mortgages, making a life in the current economic situation. I love mine but...no.

The sheer, almost overwhelming level of worry...
I would not wish to do it again if I could turn back time.

BTYU · 31/01/2022 23:09

I wouldn’t.

I have never found it easy or particularly enjoyable.

Now they are teens it’s even worse. The worry never stops. I assume that continues for life.

As I get older I just want quiet and me time. I get none. My exh was a useless twat and still is. I have no support and never had any. It’s relentless and I feel like 15 years of my life has slipped away.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 31/01/2022 23:37

I didn't think I'd be maternal as I didn't like other people's kids, but I was so wrong. I have DD10 and DS8 and I would do anything for them! The thought of going back in time and not having them is terrifying! They have made me a better person and I just can't get over how much I love them. It's bloody hard work sometimes but it's so worth it!

DejaBat · 01/02/2022 00:00

@Twattergy

Yes I would, and I had no big urge to be a mum. My reason? The older I get, the less important and 'real' most things in life seem - material things, looks, jobs - the only genuinely real thing I've done is be a parent. Hard to explain but I feel as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience. I think it is really wise not to do it (more freedom, money, choices) but at the same time it is a human experience that, for me, I'm glad I've had the privilege to experience.
as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience

I don’t understand what you mean. Are you saying people HAVE to have children to have a human experience? People who are child less not by choice (and the child free by choice) don’t fully experience being humans Confused

Halfabag · 01/02/2022 02:08

I do wish there weren’t women telling other women that motherhood is a ‘fundamental’ part of life. It’s not. For at least 3 reasons. 1. Many women / men are having the life they want without kids now it’s becoming a choice. Why should they gamble that on something they don’t want, in the hopes it will work out ok! That’s asking for trouble. 2. Some people make shit parents. You see it all the time. They should’ve thought harder about becoming a parent and potentially saved a child from an awful life. 3. Biologically not everyone has the ability to be a parent/have a child, if it was that necessary for everyone, biology would’ve surely worked out the kinks by now.

It’s so offensive to assume people are living a less valid life than you because you can or have procreated. It is not anyones ‘fault’ if they can’t have them and it’s not a fault to not want to be a parent.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 01/02/2022 03:06

My perspective:

I didn’t want children until my early thirties. Long story short I had twins and am now facing them both leaving for University later this year. I was fine before I had children and now 20 years later I am broken at the thought of them leaving. I know that was and is my role but I am utterly bereft (and hence awake at 3am).

I wouldn’t change the last 20 years but I think ultimately I may have been in better mental health now if I hadn’t?

From the movie Parenthood “some people like the Merry-go-round and others the rollercoaster”. Being a parent will bring you the highest highs and the lowest lows you ever thought possible. Knowing this, whether you choose this route is up to you.

Superhanz · 01/02/2022 03:56

I'm not maternal in anyway, I actually thought I wouldn't be able to love my offspring like other mothers loved theirs. This all changed when my sister had my nephew, from the moment he was born I loved him with every fibre of my being, the same when she had her 2nd son. I loved spending time with them, taking them on trips etc. So I knew even though I wasn't really a kid person it was different when they were like my own. When I was pregnant with my daughter I knew I'd love her but was totally unsure how I'd find motherhood but I've loved almost every minute of it. Even the sleepless nights I found ok because the love and joy I got from her more than made up for shit sleep, and I've always been a rubbish sleeper so I cope better than most on zero sleep. But one thing that probably makes a huge difference to my experience of motherhood is I have a fantastic DH who shares the load with me 50/50, I have a large supportive family close by who I can call on anytime and my best friend has a baby of a similar age too so we have regular meet ups with the babies, all these things make a difference to my experience. The only difficult aspect of motherhood for me is fear. Love this huge is coupled by fear of anything negative happening, I've really struggled with this and almost of the point of it becoming an issue. Motherhood hasn't made me feel maternal to other people's children, I'm still indifferent to them but with my nephews and daughter it's pure sunshine and rainbows Grin

buddylicious · 01/02/2022 04:46

I'm not sure.

I love my kids so much but the teenage years have been hard and the worry has made me feel unwell at times!

Knobhead101 · 01/02/2022 05:07

I adore my DD, just wish I'd picked her father more wisely. Though having said that, she wouldn't be who she is without him so I suppose I can't regret him.

I was very 'I don't want kids' however I was diagnosed with a mobility issue at 21 and started wondering if I would be happy child free forever or if I would regret not having them, or having them older and not being capable of caring for them. I was married and so we TTC DD which only took 3 months. I was 24. She's 2 now and honestly my best mate. Dead funny. Always picks me up when I'm down. Had I have waited maybe 10 years, there's no way my health would have coped with a baby/toddler.

I think personal circumstances really factor in decision making with children, but I agree with PP that there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children - every child deserves to be wanted.

Kylereese · 01/02/2022 06:34

Yes but I would have just had the one. I love my son of course and I don’t regret him, he’s adorable. But life would be much easier with just the one child.

The biggest thing I struggle with is dealing with the school/friendship dramas

Cheeseplantboots · 01/02/2022 06:57

Definitely not. Eldest son is severely disabled and life is so limiting and hard. It’s not going to change . If I had know the sort of life they’d have and the sort of life we’d have I never would have had children. My children now either adults or teens say they won’t have children either.

MinnieMountain · 01/02/2022 07:21

Yes but had DH not suggested it (we had been together for 12 years by then) it probably wouldn’t have occurred to me.

I think it works for us because we stuck with one.

It doesn’t stop me being jealous of friends who chose not to have children sometimes.

catwomando · 01/02/2022 07:50

@Waifwafer

For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!
I just felt a driving, primal need to procreate (and have some rather splendid sex to try Grin).

I still don't think that im madly maternal but I deeply love my kids, and was quite practical as a parent. I got a bit irritated when they were small because they were so bloody childish Grin. Having said that I went back to work full time when mine were 4 and 6 months old (couldn't afford long maternity leave) so I outsourced them for large periods of time which lessons the drudgery parts and makes the time you have a bit more fun and precious.

I don't think you have to be maternal to be a good mum, just a kind and patient person who gives love unconditionally and puts your kids first. Most of the time, not all.

catwomando · 01/02/2022 07:51

*lessens

Heatherjayne1972 · 01/02/2022 08:07

I’d have stopped after the first
20 years ago I was desperate to have a baby No 2 has sen and three was a bonus/ accidental pregnancy
Sadly their dad was and still is useless - he never stepped up as non resident parent so I get to do it all - except Saturday afternoon

felulageller · 01/02/2022 08:25

I'd only have DC's again if I could choose to just have DDs.

PuppyFeet · 01/02/2022 08:52

Similar to a previous poster, I made the decision not to have children when I was quite young …. In my 20s and here I am in my very late 40s not regretting that at all… I often take the time to to ponder the decision but always come out with the fact it was the right decision for me and my career and my lifestyle.

Comedycook · 01/02/2022 09:31

@felulageller

I'd only have DC's again if I could choose to just have DDs.
That's interesting @felulageller What makes you say that? How many DC do you have and how many boys/girls? I have one boy and one girl...I love them equally but think I'm more suited to being a mum of a girl.
Ihaveoflate · 01/02/2022 09:44

@Waifwafer

  • I though I'd make a pretty good mum
  • Fear of regret
  • My husband had a bit of mid-life crisis and decided he wanted them after all, though would have completely accepted and respected my decision not to
  • Curiosity

I think that the people who say you shouldn't have children unless you really want them probably did really want them and assume that because it's so hard, someone who wasn't especially bothered about being mother would end up regretting it.

I understand that assumption (because it is REALLY hard!), but that doesn't take into account the fact that once your child is here, it doesn't really matter what you felt before. And in a way, because I had no real desperation to become a mother, there isn't a huge amount of disappointment about the experience. I'm fairly pragmatic and sanguine about the whole thing, which I find actually helps when parenting in the baby/toddler years.

Laurelon · 01/02/2022 13:22

I'd never change having DC, but that's because I adore children and am quite happy to live without me time. I think it depends on your temperament

Lolabray · 01/02/2022 13:23

Totally and I’m a single mum - I’ve loved being there and w seeing my children grow and prosper

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/02/2022 13:55

@Laurelon

I'd never change having DC, but that's because I adore children and am quite happy to live without me time. I think it depends on your temperament
Surely some ‘me time’ is essential though? As we don’t cease to exist as a person with needs, wants, interests, etc just because we become a parent
Scarlettpixie · 01/02/2022 14:05

100% yes.

DS is 15. He is great and I love him fiercely.

I am waiting for the grumpy/stroppy teen phase but so far so good 😊

Whenever it has been hard, I have used the mantra - this phase too will pass. It works.

KateTheEighth · 01/02/2022 15:11

Yes

I would have had 4 instead of 2 Smile

Bortles · 01/02/2022 15:12

Yes, but a lot earlier. Regret waiting til my mid and late 30s.