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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
Ihaveoflate · 31/01/2022 19:50

I have one child and no regrets, but never felt maternal, didn't want children and only really had her because I didn't want to get old thinking 'what if'.

I have a good life and I'm very happy with my choice, but I'm sure I would have had an equally happy and fulfilling life without children.

bluejoeythesailor · 31/01/2022 19:52

@Puddycatfan

I'm in my late 40's and never had children. The thought filled me with absolute dread and horror. I was so relieved to have a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and if I could have afforded to have gone private years ago, I would have. I have never had a one moment of regret at all. It was the best decision of my life.
Have you find it difficult to maintain friendships with those who had children?
CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2022 19:52

I find it interesting how some people say they can’t imagine life without having children, while some seem able to imagine it quite well and feel they’d be just as happy and fulfilled without.

HumunaHey · 31/01/2022 19:53

@FieldOverFence

Yep, because it's a long game

I didn't enjoy baby or toddler-hood. Struggles to breastfeed, found myself isolated, just felt a shadow of myself.

But now with my kids mid-primary age, I'm so glad I did it, I love the family we are now, the cool little people they're becoming. As they get involved in sport and other activities I'm finding myself connected to the community around us in a way that I never was before kids (despite hobbies, friends etc)

Now maybe at teenage years I will loose my mind again who knows... But for right now anyway, they're the best thing I ever did

I was looking for a comment like this.

I currently have a 3yo and 6mo and it's so fucking tiresome and relentless. I adore babies and I love my kids but, second time around I definitely know I don't fare well with the baby stage. DS1 got much easier from around 2yo.

I think some people don't want kids because of the baby stage, but that stage doesn't last long. Telling myself that repeatedly as I rock back and forth in a dark corner.

FinallySomeNormality · 31/01/2022 20:00

Yes. Without a doubt.

I'm not a naturally maternal person, and I'd say I'm a bit selfish too. So having kids is tough as my needs are often only met if there's any time left after tending to them! I found baby years with my first very very hard and a huge shock to the system, much easier with #2 though as my life had already adjusted to being a mum so he just kind of slotted in!

I've got a career that I love and friends etc. but if I'm honest with myself, it's my kids that give me real purpose to my life. They anchor me down to earth in ways that I don't even understand and they've forced me to be a nicer and far more patient person than I was before. I also adore the family unit we've become and are growing into - it's made my relationship with DH another level too.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 31/01/2022 20:09

Yes to it enhancing your relationship with their father. I love my dh more after experiencing him as father to my children.

Anthurium · 31/01/2022 20:13

@CounsellorTroi

I find it interesting how some people say they can’t imagine life without having children, while some seem able to imagine it quite well and feel they’d be just as happy and fulfilled without.
It's a human experience so the replies will vary. The bottom line is the replies are speculative because the posters got what they wanted, a child/children, so it's impossible to know for certain.
hopsalong · 31/01/2022 20:16

I felt the same way as you at 32. There are lots of very maternal women who love babies and always know they want to be mothers. Then there are the rest of us. Personally, I used to be terrified of babies. I lived in dread of being asked to hold one.

What I think is hard to imagine is the way that biology can catch up with you. Somewhere around or a bit after 35, presumably as my eggs hit some new low number, I found my feelings changing. Had two children in my late 30s. Now on 40s for the first time feel actually properly broody (babies!) though won't be having any more.

As I see it, it makes sense that very fertile young women are relatively sceptical about baby-making; otherwise in a no-contraception world they'd have lots of children with non-ideal men. But when the chance of getting pregnant starts to drop, the body throws everything at it...

Resisterance · 31/01/2022 20:22

It's stressful, exhausting and a PR scam..I wouldn't have done it if I'd have known what it was really like.

Cotswoldmama · 31/01/2022 20:26

Definitely

TurquoiseDragon · 31/01/2022 20:28

I can't vote because I don't know.

I love my DC. I do, however, regret having them with my ex, because they deseerve better than an abusive cunt. We've recovered well enough after leaving him, but the DC, and I, will always have some residual MH issues.

If I could go back in time to when I was 13, knowing everything I know now, I would be making significantly different choices, including avoiding ever meeting that cunt.

So maybe, I'd have children with a different bloke.

LuckyAmy1986 · 31/01/2022 20:30

I wouldn’t. Not because it’s hard my kids are pretty easy and fun to be around. But the state of the world now. Hell no. I really worry for their future. It blows my mind in here when you get an OP saying they are 42 and have two kids should they get in one more as they are just sooo broody?? And then all the posters saying go for it! What planet are you loving on?! Stop it!!!

Poppy709 · 31/01/2022 20:31

Yes I would. And that is with the awful grief of my first baby being stillborn, and the difficulty of pregnancy and parenting after loss. I think sometimes about how naive I was when I fell pregnant for the first time at 28 (which seems so young now!) but I still wouldn’t change my choice to have children. I was never particularly excited about having small babies, I was excited to have a family and always imagined slightly older children rather than with a little baby. I found the baby stage with my living DS very, very hard and did sometimes wonder what I had done but now he is 18 months it’s hard, it’s tiring, but he’s the best thing in the world. I do have the benefit of a very supportive DH and family so I have time to do hobbies and DS has sleepovers with grandparents so we have time as a couple which really helps.
I read something on here once that said every child deserves to be yearned for, which I thought was really poignant, there’s no shame in choosing to remain child free and you definitely shouldn’t have children just because you feel you should.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 31/01/2022 20:31

@MargosKaftan

Yes I would. However, for me I was a need, not a want. I wasn't holding some rose tinted idea of motherhood, I felt a craving/need for a child. Proper instinct driven. I adore my kids and I've been surprised how much I'm enjoying slightly older stages. There's so much said about the wonder of the early years (which were fabulous, if messy and sleepless), but this middle bit, late primary/early secondary school is so great.

If you dont feel the urge to have dcs, I would say its not for you.

I agree. All the stages are great! Love my kids more than anything on the planet. I couldn't imagine life without them Smile
BeautifulBirds · 31/01/2022 20:32

Totally. My little girl is ace. I have to be careful not to upset other parents with how fab she has been. I love the lifestyle, the meaning my life has, how I've changed as a person to make life better for her... I love being a parent!

camperqueen54 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Yep. It's hard at times but what really rewarding things in life aren't hard?

runforyourdog · 31/01/2022 20:40

I actually wasn't that bothered but had them anyway. Absolutely no regrets.

bexxboo · 31/01/2022 20:42

Such a hard question that I would be so 50/50 about.

I can't believe I took sitting down and watching tv in silence or popping to the shop for granted 😭😭😂

Velvian · 31/01/2022 20:47

If you'd asked me when I had under 3s it would have been a no. Ever since then, they are (mainly) a joy and a huge bond between me and DH and our parents too.

Under 3s completely opposite to the above. 😅

RedRobyn2021 · 31/01/2022 21:21

I wouldn't have said I was a particularly maternal person, I certainly wasn't interested in other peoples children.

I haven't ever regretted having my daughter, not even when I was in those dark places when I had too little sleep and felt like all she wanted was to be fed.

I think she is special.

There's nothing wrong with not having children, you can be just as happy and fulfilled without them, I am sure of this.

Its really hard work, but in my experience so far, it's the kind of hard work you want to do. Sometimes, when I finally have a precious hour to myself because she's asleep, I have this mad urge to go and wake her up to spend more time with her, even though I'm with her virtually 24/7 (we co-sleep).

She is gorgeous and smilies a lot and does lots of funny heart warming things. I wish I could freeze time, because she so wonderful I don't want her to change, but then I'm also excited to see who she will grow in to tomorrow.

Of course sometimes she is whiny and sometimes she seems fixated on our shoes or the dogs toys despite us repeatedly trying to deter her, sometimes I desperately just want to be alone and I miss the days when I would lounge in bed on a Sunday with a cup of tea, my cat and my iPad. Oh and sleep. Obviously.

But she is so freaking wonderful I would give all that up in a heartbeat!!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 21:44

@Anthurium

"Ok. Do you think you could explain why?"

@LuckySantangelo35

I'm not sure I can rationalise it. Because it isn't based on meritocracy? As another poster said, you've created life, it felt and still feels very life affirming. The pregnancy and birth were incredible, biological and physiological experiences. My career doesn't. It's an achievement but it isn't life affirming. I can only say that now that I've had my own child.

Do you tend to weigh up decisions always based on whether they're rational is not, or able to explain why, in particular human relationships?
A love for a partner/parents/siblings is similar in a sense that it can be life affirming.

Yes, I do I suppose! So the idea of giving up or reducing or putting on hold all the things that I love for the unknown just seems like an enormous chance to take! I’ve worked so hard to be where am I now- independent, financially solvent, able to have nice holidays and that kind of freedom etc that the thought of compromising any of that feels really scary. Especially when you read of all the drudge and sacrifice that mothers face on here
crazyjinglist · 31/01/2022 21:54

Yes, definitely. My children are fab and I haven't found it that hard tbh. I mean... ok so it basically ruined my career and kicked off high blood pressure for which I'm still medicated 13 years later. Oh and I had a horrible period of post-natal anxiety after dc2... But the actual parenting bit hasn't been hard!

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 22:08

@Musttryharder2021
That’s lovely to hear you don’t feel like you’ve been hindered by motherhood.
But you must see why I would fear this to be the case when you see the amount of posts on here about women who struggle to maintain hobbies, friendships, exercise, self-care because of motherhood; the whole concept of always putting yourself second; the general consensus that you shouldn’t even contemplate taking a child on a foreign holiday until they are at least 4 years old because it would be same shit to do just without the mod cons you have at home; early motherhood curtails your most basic of freedoms like going to the toilet in peace and alone or washing your hair; adverse impact on your career, finances, earning potential; just a general state of worry and anxiety about your child from the moment they’re born which never abates. I guess I just cannot fathom what could eclipse all of that! But something must do or women wouldn’t repeat the experience! I’m genuinely curious!

shivawn · 31/01/2022 22:16

Definitely glad I did but my baby is only 15 weeks old so there's a lot ahead of me! Didn't think I'd love being a mom as much as I do.

Flittingaboutagain · 31/01/2022 22:25

I was desperate for babies but the reality is nothing like you imagine beforehand!

People often say this. But for me having DC was exactly like I imagined before hand! I think it depends on the quality of your imagination tbh!

^ and also how much exposure to the different aspects of parenting you've had before. If you've ever helped with a newborn or looked after toddlers for the school holidays for a relative or had dramas over inappropriate use of devices with teens etc then you have a bit more of an idea than someone who has never done any childcare. So far being a mum is just as wonderful and as challenging as I anticipated and very much like I imagined it to be. I thought I'd love it and I do!