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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
PlanetNormal · 31/01/2022 18:21

I’m in my early 50s and very happily childfree by choice. I never, ever wanted to be a parent, never felt broody and I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself. Zero regrets, and if I had my time again I would do exactly the same.

PumpkinPie2016 · 31/01/2022 18:23

If you had asked in the first year, I'd have said no. The first year was incredibly hard - traumatic delivery and DS was a difficult baby.

It got massively better after he was 2 and now he is 8, I would never be without him. I love him so much and we have such a lovely time together.

AskingforaBaskin · 31/01/2022 18:27

Yes but I would be a lot more prepared. Just to make some things easier. But absolutely they are amazing.

GiantSpider · 31/01/2022 18:34

Yes! I always wanted kids and I love being a mum. Mine are teens now.

Whoopsies · 31/01/2022 18:44

100% yes, it's the best thing I've ever done!

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 18:56

@AskingforaBaskin

Yes but I would be a lot more prepared. Just to make some things easier. But absolutely they are amazing.
With hindsight, What would you have done to have been more prepared do you think?
greatape · 31/01/2022 18:58

I never didn't imagine myself as a mother. I am not hugely maternal, was never a baby or small child person. I just wanted children. It was an innate feeling.

I didn't think too much about what that meant in practice and my experience once they arrived has hitherto been a bit difficult occasionally but mostly been full of utter joy. They piss me off sometimes but less than dh tbh. Mothering my kids just feels a part of me (still not keen on other peoples)

In retrospect I didn't think about it that hard. I had multiple losses and ivf so I spent 5 years just longing for a succession pregnancy which I think stopped me contemplating the reality that much as it seemed too fragile to contemplate. We came very close to stopping treatment and started to plan a child free life but for me there would have always been a void.

I have friends who are very happily child free and feel the same visceral reaction to parenthood as I do, just the opposite. They generally like kids more than I do...

Musttryharder2021 · 31/01/2022 18:58

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Musttryharder2021
Interesting. Maybe that’s part of the difference then. I do have a career which gives me a great sense of value, meaning, identity etc. Perhaps if I didn’t have that I would feel that children was the only thing to give my life meaning[/quote]
But it's comparing apples and pears I feel. People gain meaning from other relationships not just the ones they have with their children. By the way, I work in finance/accountancy and see this as a 'job' maybe others would consider it a career

lopape · 31/01/2022 19:05

@AppleKatie

I was desperate for babies but the reality is nothing like you imagine beforehand!

People often say this. But for me having DC was exactly like I imagined before hand! I think it depends on the quality of your imagination tbh!

Same! Almost nothing is surprising to me, I expected to be hard sometimes and not to have as much free time etc.

I had a friend complaining to me that no one told her that she would miss cuddling with her husband (as in, they are busy with the baby and don't really have the time to chill and cuddle). And im like , bitch really? You think someone needed to tell you this unsurprising fact ?!

Anthurium · 31/01/2022 19:06

@LuckySantangelo35

I have a career but my child gives me more meaning, purpose and value. It's not as simple as having a career or not

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 19:06

@Musttryharder2021
I would definitely call that a career! Maybe the difference is my career is very much about forming relationships, people and connections.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 19:07

[quote Anthurium]@LuckySantangelo35

I have a career but my child gives me more meaning, purpose and value. It's not as simple as having a career or not[/quote]
Ok. Do you think you could explain why?

lopape · 31/01/2022 19:08

And to answer the op, if I knew what I know I'd still have had them. 100%

But I wanted them so I think It's different if you don't want kids or you're on the fence. I don't think you should have children because you're afraid of missing out

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 19:11

I guess another thing Im curious about is, does the joy of bringing up children outweigh things like the lack of freedom to pursue hobbies, friendships, travel and holidays , etc?

Oblomov22 · 31/01/2022 19:15

Probably not. Most of my friends say the same.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 31/01/2022 19:17

I've had loads of lovely holidays with my kids and have enjoyed seeing things through their eyes too. Have made new friends through them etc

I can't imagine life without them. I think it would have been far less enjoyable.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/01/2022 19:20

*I've had loads of lovely holidays with my kids and have enjoyed seeing things through their eyes too. Have made new friends through them etc

I can't imagine life without them. I think it would have been far less enjoyable*
That’s the same for me. I’m 52 with three grown up DC and now also enjoying time doing things with my DH and my friends.

Spongebobsmartypants · 31/01/2022 19:21

I would but would have stuck to one.

greatape · 31/01/2022 19:22

I have a career and it's very focused on people/connections. My work ethic is a huge part of who I am (less so my actual job but dh says he'd leave me if I won the lottery as me without a job would be hideous).

I have a family I adore (parents siblings etc). I'm very proud of my relationship with dh and work hard at that. I excel at Wordle.

But my kids feel like a part of me. If you remember Gremlins they are like part of me that hatches like evil spawn. It's very biological. I have achieved other things that's the part that is the most visceral.

Hyenaormeercat · 31/01/2022 19:23

Definitely not...

Anthurium · 31/01/2022 19:30

"Ok. Do you think you could explain why?"

@LuckySantangelo35

I'm not sure I can rationalise it. Because it isn't based on meritocracy? As another poster said, you've created life, it felt and still feels very life affirming. The pregnancy and birth were incredible, biological and physiological experiences. My career doesn't. It's an achievement but it isn't life affirming. I can only say that now that I've had my own child.

Do you tend to weigh up decisions always based on whether they're rational is not, or able to explain why, in particular human relationships?
A love for a partner/parents/siblings is similar in a sense that it can be life affirming.

roarfeckingroarr · 31/01/2022 19:34

A thousand times over. Motherhood is wonderful.

Fjrk · 31/01/2022 19:39

Yes I will. I have 2 boys and a girl. I will walk over hot coal for them barefoot. The love I have for them is indescribable. They are only little and so dependant on me right now.

Musttryharder2021 · 31/01/2022 19:41

@LuckySantangelo35

I guess another thing Im curious about is, does the joy of bringing up children outweigh things like the lack of freedom to pursue hobbies, friendships, travel and holidays , etc?
@LuckySantangelo35

I'm not hindered by my child any more than I'm hindered by my circumstances...

If I didn't have a child I'd not be able to do certain hobbies due to my lack of ability/finances/location/job commitments.
Why would having a child prevent people from forming friendships? I've made different friends since having a child (I've met more parents) as well as some younger friends who are currently childless.

As for holidays, I just bring my child along... What do you mean by 'travel'? Most people have 25/30 days or so worth of annual leave, that doesn't really allow for 'traveling' regardless of whether you have children or not. Holidays will change as my son is young so I've had to adjust to his needs, but when he's older, we'll have different adventures.

Puddycatfan · 31/01/2022 19:43

I'm in my late 40's and never had children. The thought filled me with absolute dread and horror. I was so relieved to have a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and if I could have afforded to have gone private years ago, I would have.
I have never had a one moment of regret at all. It was the best decision of my life.