School "lost" my vulnerable ADHD/ODD son today!

[3Daddy31982]

Head was nice to me. That in itself isn't normal. She said XXXX played a game with us today. I was a bit lost. Turns out they'd lost him for quite some time. He'd hidden in cupboard. Other child told us they'd been out shouting his name. Class children were also searching for him!

He has ehcp and meant to have a one to one. I've previously not been happy with TAs not watching him.

He also came out in huge sobbing tears.

When he'd calmed down he told us noone found him. He didn't want to go to assembly and they'd said he had to. He said he was on his own! Which he must have been if they didn't know where he was.

Gut feeling is he isn't safe at this school. Felt that way since Sept when my Dad went to pick third child up and saw him solo and unwatched.

So he was left unsupervised whilst everyone else was in the assembly and they only discovered he was missing when that had finished ? Or did someone help get the other children to the hall, came back and he had hidden ?

he realised how much trouble he’d caused for everyone.

what trouble did he cause for everyone?

@PupInAPram

ADHD is often helped by SEND strategies, TA support etc. I think generally ODD is best tackled by giving parents advice and help with parenting skills. A children's social worker of 40 years experience once told me that ODD is a direct result of inadequate parenting.

To be fair that's the opinion of one professional on some that is not her expertise. On the other hand children can have ADHD AND inadequate parents. They are not mutually exclusive.

@supermoonrising

They didn’t lose him, he hid in a cupboard and was presumably having fun thinking himself the center of a “game”. Which then sounds like it backfired on coming out when he realised how much trouble he’d caused for everyone. From the fact that he was crying it sounds like he’s learnt a lesson from the experience.

And do you have a child who tends to run and hide when overwhelmed to be confident that they find it fun and a game?

A children's social worker of 40 years experience once told me that ODD is a direct result of inadequate parenting

Well she sounds like an expect 😆

I find this comment offensive and incorrect.

It is, & quite eye opening. Why would anyone feel the need to say this on this thread? bizarre.

expert even

@dorkfink

he realised how much trouble he’d caused for everyone.

what trouble did he cause for everyone?

A lot of stressed teachers and TAs presumably? Who had to spend time looking for him because he refused to leave the cupboard, even to Pugh he could hear them calling for him.

*even though. Not sure where Pugh came from!

I don't think the school lost him. He ran off and hid, quite different.
It's really important to know exactly what the care plan is regarding the one to one also. Is he funded for additional one to one support in lessons, or is he on an eye sight/ arms length one to one at all times ( which I think would be unusual in a mainstream school but others may have direct experience saying otherwise).

He hid. It's his fault.

In my school (SEMH / ASD) all students have EHCPs. Staffing ratios are excellent, we each carry radios for instant communication and we pride ourselves on supervising the students (age 5 to 19) well. However, on a weekly basis, students escape from school (jump over the 8 foot fence that surrounds the school field) or they kick through the reinforced locked doors. Students regularly try to hide in school too. If they run off site, protocol is that we search for 20 minutes before 'Missing From Education' protocol begins and the police takeover. This happens regularly and the children each have risk assessments linked to this (many of our students are in care so often try to leave site at the end of the day as they don't want to go home). Although we supervise well, the reality could be that an 18-stone violent and aggressive 15 year old is kicking off kicking through doors, pulling radiators off hinges, trying to attack staff etc and 5 staff members then may have to restrain him for 30 minutes before he calms down - in moments like this, other students may take advantage. In mainstream, staffing/student ratio is significantly lower, and with the best will in the world, it is impossible to supervise individual students every minute of the day. Both teachers and teaching assistants are pulled in so many directions. Usually, in mainstream, staff aren't allowed to be 'hands on' either and touch/pull the child back if they begin running/hiding/going into crisis. Sadly, although I've been a teacher for 16 years, it's only since working in SEMH/SEND specialist provision that I feel much much more skilled to teach/cater for students with EHCPs. And I'm a bloody good teacher too but still had a big skills deficit in this area. Training nationally is lacking and I think it should play a much more significant part in initial teacher training. I hope you come to a satisfactory resolution with the school OP.

He was deliberately hiding though, not lost? He could have come out any time?

If the school classroom and premises are secure, like most, then they must have known he wasn’t far away. It sounds more like his ‘hiding game’ caused disruption and irritation rather than genuine worry for his welfare?

@Lady0racle where did the OP say her dc could hear people calling his name? Even if he can how do you know how he would react in the situation? The fact that he was missing & wasn't found as the dc came out by himself would certainly concern me.

Did he run from the staff OP?

Because if so, what strategy do you want them to use? If his 1:1 had chased him, could she have actually kept up with him? There are plenty of kids I couldn't keep up with. In my setting, we don't run after kids because running after them makes them run faster and actually being chased down by an adult is pretty damn scary. If they run in school we just keep eyes on at a distance. If they are causing damage to property, our strategy is actually to then move closer because they will move away. Once they are feeling better, a child will start moving back towards the adult of their own accord.

An overwhelmed child who has hidden should not be prevented from hiding. Their best bet would have been to locate where he had hidden and then sit calmly nearby until he was ready to have the cupboard door open and start talking and then gradually come out in his own time. They could try to teach him where he can hide when he needs to, but that is not always easy with a demand avoidant child because once it is an adult's idea, they may not be able to do that.

Is it the first time he has hidden? It sounds like the school were quite taken by surprise by it? He now needs the fact that he hides when overwhelmed written into his individual plan and they need strategies for how they will deal with it so a situation where he has run and hidden can be resolved calmly.

The issue I would take to school is assembly. Your DS is clearly telling them he can't cope with it, so what are they going to do about that next time? Could he a) not go b) watch from a classroom on zoom c) go for 5 minutes with a timer sitting at the back in his own space d) go with ear defenders and comfort items/ busy work sitting at the back in his own space... etc

@stealthninjamum
The fact that we now have a better understanding of neurodiversity doesn’t mean there’s no such thing as a child being naughty (testing the limits of social behaviour) or poor parenting. It’s an entirely natural thing for kids to oppose and test authority. And how this process goes for the child does depend, to an extent, on the nature of their adult interactions, particularly with their parents. And of course revising parenting and discipline startegies as a first measure should be vastly preferable to administering a child with long term medicine.

@liveforsummer agreed. And of course every child is different and in general SEND needs are not a straightforward 'one and done' diagnosis. But some behaviours around ADHD are inherent and the child needs support
to manage them; if they are being defiant or naughty 'because of ODD' , they may just need the strategies at home and in school used for bad behaviour. These things are also not mutually exclusive.

They didn’t lose him.
He chose to get into a cupboard while the staff were momentarily distracted.
He then chose not to answer his name and stay in there.

Students regularly try to hide in school too. If they run off site, protocol is that we search for 20 minutes before 'Missing From Education' protocol begins and the police takeover.

It would be interesting to know how long the OPs child was missing for & the schools missing child policy

It seems that all naughty behaviour is excused now by the parents and they blame the school. He still needs to have boundaries in place regardless of SEN. Not going to assembly, hiding and not coming it is bad behaviour you should be addressing that

@dorkfink
I don’t agree. Most of mothers would be sympathetic. Even in cases where mum dropped her newborn. Accidents happen. 1-2 seconds is enough for something to happen. Please don’t tell me you never turn your head away from your children. I know exactly what TAs are hired for, but please don’t try to constantly blame (possibly) understaffed underfunded schools for something you don’t even know have happened. Reading and re reading OP, I’m not even sure what happened exactly, it’s all a speculation (for now).

@supermoonrising did I suggest the child needed long term medicine.

I was merely annoyed that a poster said that ODD is ‘as a direct result of poor parenting’ because someone else said so.

Think how op would fee knowing people are blaming her son’s condition on her.

I've raised a son with ASD and am a career fit both my news who have pet extreme additional needs.

School didn't lose your child. Your child didn't want to follow the rules ( going to assembly) and so intentionally hid to get his own way. That doesn't mean that school are not at fault, but part of the fault lies with your child and their behaviour. Yes I know he has additional needs but he still has to try and follow the rules. And I don't say that mildly. My nephew is a known flight risk and so has to wear a high viz jacket on the playground and can't go on school trips even with a 1-1.

Schools are pretty secure places and in the event of a child going missing they have a very specific plan they must follow. But the end stage ( casing police etc) is only implemented after the school has been thoroughly searched. In your shoes I would first speak to the school. It could have been 2 minutes it could have been ten. , I would get one of those tile trackers or gps watches for your child and that way if it happens again you will know exactly where they are . You can check on them and so can school.

A lot depends in your DS's needs identified in his EHCP. I've worked 1:1 with children who are at risk left alone and yes, I'd follow them to the loo! I've spend hours sitting on the floor in corridors chatting through doors! Equally I've work with children who need to build independence and would let them go alone and only go after them if they weren't back as quickly as I'd expect.

Does he have an identified space in school he can go to if he's feeling overwhelmed?

I going against the grain. Here. I think you're over reacting.

It takes a millisecond for a child to disappear, a teacher might turn their back to do something and not notice he has slipped out or hidden

He was safe. He had hidden he wasn't on a road etc

[quote PupInAPram]@liveforsummer agreed. And of course every child is different and in general SEND needs are not a straightforward 'one and done' diagnosis. But some behaviours around ADHD are inherent and the child needs support
to manage them; if they are being defiant or naughty 'because of ODD' , they may just need the strategies at home and in school used for bad behaviour. These things are also not mutually exclusive.[/quote]
You make it sound so easy 😆.