School "lost" my vulnerable ADHD/ODD son today!

[3Daddy31982]

Head was nice to me. That in itself isn't normal. She said XXXX played a game with us today. I was a bit lost. Turns out they'd lost him for quite some time. He'd hidden in cupboard. Other child told us they'd been out shouting his name. Class children were also searching for him!

He has ehcp and meant to have a one to one. I've previously not been happy with TAs not watching him.

He also came out in huge sobbing tears.

When he'd calmed down he told us noone found him. He didn't want to go to assembly and they'd said he had to. He said he was on his own! Which he must have been if they didn't know where he was.

Gut feeling is he isn't safe at this school. Felt that way since Sept when my Dad went to pick third child up and saw him solo and unwatched.

@newchance2 yes I have & generally defend the parents on those threads here but I've seen plenty of posters put the boot in which was my point.

I know exactly what TAs are hired for, but please don’t try to constantly blame (possibly) understaffed underfunded schools for something you don’t even know have happened.

Where have I done this? The point is no one knows what's happened do they? You don't know the conditions of his plan nor do I.

Reading and re reading OP, I’m not even sure what happened exactly, it’s all a speculation (for now).

Exactly! But we do know the school should be following certain procedures & there should be risk assessments drawn up. The fact he ran off will need a risk assessment to see what can prevent it but it won't be 100% foolproof. However as I already said the concern is how long he was missing & the fact he came out himself.

Going in all guns blazing in this situation is not going to help. For starters, you only have a hazy one sided view of what might have happened here. Clearly a conversation needs to be had to find out what did happen and how it was handled. In fact I would be more annoyed that no adult informed me about the event, than about the event itself. Situations can happen in the blink of an eye. It may be that him hiding from going to assembly was a result of overwhelm at being pressured to take part in a context he can't handle. The behaviour itself is just a symptom of an expectation he couldn't meet. They need a different strategy that tackles that - my conversation with school would certainly be asking WHY he hid and how they intend to prevent him getting that overwhelmed in future.

All those people saying 1:1 TAs should at all times stick like velcro to the side of their child are entirely wrong. All 1:1 support is provided for the purposes of meeting the outcomes stated within the plan. Unless the plan states that the child needs constant 1:1 supervision throughout the school day, including over break and lunchtimes, then that isn't the role. We generally advise that the TA NOT stick like glue to a child or they are apt to develop learned helplessness and in any case it's not a prison; can you imagine the claustrophobia of being accompanied absolutely everywhere regardless of whether you wanted to and not even being allowed to go for a poo without a TA in the room?

And yes I have a vulnerable SEN child. Mine was once missing from school for 2.5 hours and had all staff not on timetable out scouring the local area. It turned out he arrived a few minutes late to find the gate locked. He didn't have the communication skills to ring the bell and seek admission so he sat there for 45 minutes waiting to be found and then went home, where I found him after dashing home from work when I got the call to say he hadn't registered in school. The outcome from that event was that school took his communication difficulties a WHOLE lot more seriously. I didn't complain to the SEN governor though I did write to the headteacher about the need to put strategies in place to ensure this wouldn't happen again.

You're not 'going against the grain' - that means you're forcing yourself to go against your own, more usual, inclination or instincts. You mean you're 'going against the tide'. And you're not, anyway. A significant number of PPs - including me - think the OP is overreacting.

Mine was once missing from school for 2.5 hours and had all staff not on timetable out scouring the local area.

How old was your dc? When did the school inform you he was missing? That's a very long time.

My sister works in a special needs setting and there's rarely a week she's not coaxing a child out of a locker, cupboard, from under a table etc.It's really not that unusual but if a child has 1-1 supervision doesn't become such an issue.The posters pointing out that he was safe, he went into the cupboard, why did he cry etc are really missing the point.
The first concern obviously is that he got into the cupboard without being noticed and secondly that an assembly was held when he was in there.Were the staff all in the assembly, what escalation plans does the school have if a pupil just disappears.

@trunktoes

It seems that all naughty behaviour is excused now by the parents and they blame the school. He still needs to have boundaries in place regardless of SEN. Not going to assembly, hiding and not coming it is bad behaviour you should be addressing that

Or we should be addressing WHY they didn't want to go into assembly?

It takes seconds to get into a cupboard. And generally the purpose of a 1:1 is to support the child in school not act as their jailer.

It is scary when they do the hide and dont come out thing. Both my children did it (I nearly called the police for ds1 because I was convinced he must have got out of the house somehow). I expect the school have learnt to keep a closer eye on him and you could have a chat with him about not hiding and not coming when called.

First of all, I think you need to have a calm conversation with the school to find out what actually happened. I’m not sure how old your son is but he naught have started to regret his decision to hide in a cupboard if he started to feel scared and this could be clouding his recollection. Incidents like this are always better dealt with when a calm and rational conversation is the starting point.
Also, what is the exact wording on the EHCP? Does it specify one to one for every minute of the day or just a certain amount of hours? If it doesn’t specify every minute then I’m sure you’re aware how understaffed some schools are right now and this TA might well be doing the job of 2 or 3 other members of staff right now. And whilst yes, in theory that’s not good enough, the alternative may well be to shut the school or at least shut it to a year group until staffing levels are back up. Not ideal but I think it’s worth remembering he wasn’t lost, he was hiding in the school. I’m sure the school has a protocol as to when to get police and parents involved and maybe he was found well within that threshold.

The first concern obviously is that he got into the cupboard without being noticed

It could have been as simple as another child asking his TA a question
“Miss X, where do we put these when we’re finished?”
“Over on the drying rack”

That’s plenty of time to slip into a cupboard.

What is the TA expected to do? Never take her eyes off him for a second? Refuse to respond to anyone else in the room?

A 1:1 is not a guard. There will be times when their eyes are not on your ds. Your ds presumably moves around at home without your eyes on him at all times. He deliberately chose to hide in a cupboard. They looked for him and he was found. You are being utterly ridiculous. You need to be having strong words with him about what he did wrong. Unbelievable.

School lost my child in Y1. He two has SEN though probably more profound as he couldn’t communicate easily at that stage. I’d email asking for a meeting with the HT and listing what you want to know,
Eg, how long was he lost for, who found him and where, how it was able to happen and what they have put in place to stop it happening again. After the meeting email again to check you understood the answers to the questions (and to push for answers if you didn’t get them). It is important to email because it gives a timed and dated record of the incident.

Once you have done that decide if you think he can or should be there.

It’s your job to do this and be his advocate. Try not to get upset as that won’t help you see clearly what to do.

Report incident to ofsted

I was a 1:1 for autistic children for over ten years. I would have never, ever have left them for a split second until someone was covering me. People seem ignorant as to the severity of leaving a child with particular needs unattended. I would kick off about this. Ignore the parenting advice, I hope your son is ok now.

He ran off and then hid in the cupboard - of course he was going to say he was left alone as he knew he’d get in trouble from his mum.

More likely the TA told him they were going to assembly, he didn’t want to go so he ran off from her, she chased him but he ran around a corner and hid in a cupboard so they couldn’t find him.
They would have had the perimeter secured so they knew he has in the building somewhere.

We have a few flight risks who we have eyes on all of the time but that doesn’t mean we’re right next to them. But we’re in the same room.

During break time it’s nice to let them play with their friends and be treated like the other children.
Of course not being right next to them means they have a few seconds head start (and they’re fast) but I’d rather that then them not be allowed to play properly and develop their social skills.

I wouldn't be too upset if he never left school grounds.

Nursery once let our 3 year old son out of school when I was not on school grounds. I stopped to let other parents leave the school and he popped up in front of me. I'd been there a matter of seconds so no way the class could know I had arrived or seen me. I was livid!! But calmly complained to them and they didn't seem bothered so I emailed the school and that was ignored. After we complained to ofsted the head teacher retired early and the TA that let him out moved on too.

@WonderfulYou you have no idea how the scenario played out so why are you assuming you do? 😆

@dorkfink

Mine was once missing from school for 2.5 hours and had all staff not on timetable out scouring the local area.

How old was your dc? When did the school inform you he was missing? That's a very long time.

He was 11, end of year 7.

He was missing that long because until that point, whilst they knew he was autistic and had selective mutism and had communication problems in theory, they didn't appreciate how serious they were and hadn't really thought through the consequences of not being able to speak in school - and so he didn't "flag" on the system when he didn't show up. So I got the standard call from admissions around 10.30 asking why he wasn't in school. It wasn't until I said he WAS in school as far as I was aware that the emergency was triggered. Meanwhile I was at work 45 mins away and had to drive home, shaking and reflecting that his hatred of being photographed meant I didn't have any clear recent pictures to show the police. It was horrifically scary. The story of what actually happened came out after of course.

@MrsR87

First of all, I think you need to have a calm conversation with the school to find out what actually happened. I’m not sure how old your son is but he naught have started to regret his decision to hide in a cupboard if he started to feel scared and this could be clouding his recollection. Incidents like this are always better dealt with when a calm and rational conversation is the starting point. Also, what is the exact wording on the EHCP? Does it specify one to one for every minute of the day or just a certain amount of hours? If it doesn’t specify every minute then I’m sure you’re aware how understaffed some schools are right now and this TA might well be doing the job of 2 or 3 other members of staff right now. And whilst yes, in theory that’s not good enough, the alternative may well be to shut the school or at least shut it to a year group until staffing levels are back up. Not ideal but I think it’s worth remembering he wasn’t lost, he was hiding in the school. I’m sure the school has a protocol as to when to get police and parents involved and maybe he was found well within that threshold.

Think this is very good advice. From the OP *He also came out in huge sobbing tears.

When he'd calmed down he told us noone found him. He didn't want to go to assembly and they'd said he had to. He said he was on his own! Which he must have been if they didn't know where he was.*

So he hid in the cupboard because he didn't want to be found and go to assembly (agree needs to be found what is the scary bit of assembly if he's finding it scary)
But his upset and your anger is that he was on his own and wasn't found straight Away?

I think you need to have a stern word with him about hiding and paying nasty tricks on adults just because he doesn't want to do something.

OP if you don’t feel he’s safe, don’t send him back.
However, if it was a case of them playing hide and seek, then he just hid well.
I do understand your worry though.
Sadly I know of two children who actually left the school and one of them was found roaming next to a busy road. Both parents got their child air tags.
Hope you find a good school for him OP.
Are you going to report the incident to Ofsted as safeguarding concern? If it’s happened several times, it sounds like they could do with tightening their safeguarding measures.

Ps it must have been horrifying for you to find out.

That’s plenty of time to slip into a cupboard.

of course but surely the logical thing to do if you're in/near a room with a big cupboard & child A slips in whilst child B asks for help, you check said cupboard when after a few minutes you can't locate child A? Which isn't want happened so the circumstances need to be investigated by the school & risk assessed.

I'm a TA in mainstream secondary. A few years ago I was working as 1:1 for a child who functioned at the level of a neurotypical 6 year old and who had a medical condition that meant a fall could be life threatening. Therefore she had to be accompanied at all times.
During breaks I was observing her on the yard at a few metres distance. This had been decided in the Risk Assessment as a reasonable balance between keeping her safe and allowing her to interact with other pupils. A group of other pupils walked in front of me obscuring her from view for literally seconds.
When they passed she was gone.
I walked around the yard for a few minutes growing increasingly anxious. When I couldn't find her I sought the help of other staff until all the spare staff were looking for her. My heart was in my mouth throughout.
Eventually after about half an hour she was found in one of the plastic bike bins which had a faulty lock and could therefore be opened. She was having a lovely time in her little house and thought it a great joke that everyone had been calling her name.
I know OP's situation is different but it shows that even if 1:1 is properly in place (and I'm well aware that this is not always the case) unforseen incidents can happen. The best thing for parents to do is to work with the school when loopholes are found and find ways to make procdures more secure.

@Teenylittlefella that much have been awful for you, I'm glad it was all ok. Although the school sounds lax in its procedures or perhaps it was a while ago so things have changed.

Actions have consequences. He hid to get out of assembly. It probably seemed like a brilliant solution at the time but it sounds as if it got out of hand to the point he overwhelmed and frightened himself.

It might be that main stream school isn't the best place for him at the moment. He might be happier and safer somewhere smaller where overwhelming situations like whole school assemblies aren't expected of him. But that might not be an available option in your area. Would home schooling be better for him at the moment? Are you able to provide that?

I don't think you can blame the school for this - even a devoted parent living with just a couple of children can look away for the few moments it takes for an accident to happen. It must be even harder in a busy classroom.

What is the TA expected to do? Never take her eyes off him for a second? Refuse to respond to anyone else in the room?

I honestly think when people hear '1-1' they expect said adult to lock their eyes the child, never losing them from their gaze- even for a second. And to hover over them within grabbing distance at all times. Like some kind of Secret Service security guard.

Even when they as the parent don't manage it themselves.