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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

164 replies

again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:03

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:04

2 hours a week, to clarify. We don't see them any other time.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/01/2022 16:06

If ask your DM if everything's ok with him. Does the noise, break in routine unsettle him?

anon12345anon · 28/01/2022 16:06

Sorry.....I accidentally pressed yabu....you are definitely not being unreasonable.....

He sounds like a miserable git Hmm

Original poster
again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:08

Thanks for reply. Yes he does like quiet and is not a big fan of young children, even he when was young! But I feel 2 hours a week isn't much to ask. They ask us to come, I don't turn up unannounced.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:09

@anon12345anon Thanks, I think so too.

OP posts:
seekinglondonlife · 28/01/2022 16:10

Two hours of a young, noisy child is a lot for people who don't like young noisy children. It sucks OP, but I think you'll just have to accept that he doesn't want to be the doting, hands on grandfather.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/01/2022 16:11

How old is your DD? TBH I didn't expect my parents to want to spend hours playing with my kid when she was young. I found playing with her quite boring so don't know why I would expect anyone else to enjoy it Grin

I think it's enough to be around, share a meal or a snack, have some interaction etc. without expecting to be on the floor with dolls or trains or paints or whatever for an afternoon?

Dixiechickonhols · 28/01/2022 16:11

If you only go 2 hours a week and he goes out he’s not seeing much of you or dd. I’d ask if there a more convenient time to visit.
Could it be he’s struggling to play or keep up with conversation (dementia or hearing issues) and deliberately goes out of way. Or is he just very rigid and always has a walk at 2pm etc. Seems a shame to go and not see him.

Original poster
again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:13

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thanks. I think I'm around a lot of people who are very hands on with their grandchildren (perhaps an unrepresentative sample!) and it doesn't seem much to ask. Maybe it is.

OP posts:
GoldenBlue · 28/01/2022 16:15

My dad snd step dad would have managed 2 hours with young children. They found the noise indoors quite challenging but we're better for a bit of time in the garden and then they would retreat to a quieter room whilst the grandkids had time with my mum.

All our different snd I think your expectations are too high for your dad I'm afraid.

TheOccupier · 28/01/2022 16:16

Why doesn't he meet you at the park? Personally I love small children but I'd rather entertain a 3yo at the playground than have one in my home!

Chickychoccyegg · 28/01/2022 16:21

2 hours can feel a long time when you're just sitting playing, some people just genuinely don't enjoy it, I do, but I know many who absolutely don't,it doesn't mean they dont love their dc and dgc and enjoy seeing them though.

MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 16:23

Well I can see why you would think that going out as soon as you walk through the door is rude but tbh, 2 hours a week? That’s already plenty.

And if he doesn’t like young children, that’s also his prerogative. You can’t force him.

MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 16:23

Another way to look at it is that he still making an effort with your dd EVEN THOUGH he doesn’t and never has liked young children…..

Stookeen · 28/01/2022 16:25

My father increasingly does this, but my son is nine, and it's not just if I visit my parents with him, it's when anyone who doesn't usually live at their house arrives, my sisters, my brother if our father doesn't actually go out, he immediately retreats to a distant room. He's taken to doing it in my house, too if he's dropping something off with my mum, and she comes in to chat for a minute (she never stays, because she knows he's dying to get home -- so she's standing up in the hallway talking for under ten minutes), he will walk past to the living room without saying anything and pick up a newspaper or book at random and start to read it.

There's no ambient noise, no requirement to play with DS, no dementia, no hearing issues.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/01/2022 16:25

[quote again2020]@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thanks. I think I'm around a lot of people who are very hands on with their grandchildren (perhaps an unrepresentative sample!) and it doesn't seem much to ask. Maybe it is.[/quote]

Are you asking? I.e. do you actually ask your dad "can dd and I come over for the afternoon and can you play with her?" Or do you just assume/drop in?

Why do you want him specifically to play with her? Do you want a break?

Also, how old is your DD?

Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 16:25

But op hasn't got A noisy dc... It is their dgc!!
Bonkers op. Just ask your dm to your house. I would take it personally and be quite insulted tbh.

Youngstreet · 28/01/2022 16:33

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Why do you want him specifically to play with her?

In our family playing with your dgc is normal.

Sally872 · 28/01/2022 16:34

Love all my children and their cousins. Hate it when one of them decides I am their bestie that day and I become het for playing I can't say no, I love them. And watching them play is lovely, chatting to them is nice too. Playing with them is hard work especially as a toddler, board games are fine imaginative play is awful for me. Not sure if this is the case for your dad or not.

My own dad loves my kids, but little and often for spending time. 10 mins every day would probably be his ideal Grin

NeverEndingFireworks · 28/01/2022 16:34

Blimey - two hours a week every week - for someone (male or female it doesn't matter) who is not that keen on small children - it's a lot tbh.

If the aim is for the dc to have a better relationship with their GF then maybe shorter visits would work better. When our dc were small it was paternal GM and maternal GF who were the hands on GPs - my DM and their dad's DF were not really very good around small children and used to make themselves scarce after a few minutes.

What does your DM say about it?

TheSnowyOwl · 28/01/2022 16:35

@again2020

Thanks for reply. Yes he does like quiet and is not a big fan of young children, even he when was young! But I feel 2 hours a week isn't much to ask. They ask us to come, I don't turn up unannounced.
They ask or your mum asks? As you say, your dad has never been keen on children so maybe this shouldn’t be so upsetting or unexpected.
IncompleteSenten · 28/01/2022 16:37

Meet your mum at the park and don't bother going back with her. Tell her it's clear your dad finds it too much so you've decided it's best if you don't go.

UserError012345 · 28/01/2022 16:38

My dad struggles with 10 minutes.

I don't get upset. I just accept that he's old school in his views and thinks kids should be seen and not heard.

I stopped going after a while.

You can't change people.

Gilly12345 · 28/01/2022 16:43

Maybe two hours is too long and perhaps your Dad is not interested in children when they are young, sorry.

We visit in-laws for one hour maximum as that is plenty of time for a drink and catch up.

Maybe your Dad will change in time. Why not ask your Mum for her advice?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/01/2022 16:44

They ask us to come, I don't turn up unannounced.
If he doesn't like small children, probablt tolerates the visits (or not if he goes out) for your Mothers sake.
If he only goes out 1 in three occasions, he is putting up with something he doesn't particularly enjoy a couple of times a month; not making an issue of it and disappearing when he doesn't feel he can tolerate it.
YABU