My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

[again2020]

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

I think you know what it means OP. It sounds like the invite comes from your mum and your dad is simply not interested in being round a young child- you said yourself he doesn’t like small children, why do you expect it to change just because this one is related to him? Invite your mum to your house or meet at a cafe if you don’t want to watch him walk out.

so he still sees her for an hour a week? That's a lot more than my grandparents see their grandchildren, and sounds like a good compromise if he doesn't really like young children.

My dad's never played with a child in his life - he has 8 grandchildren. He doesn't leave when they arrive though - he makes interested noises and smiles at them. TBH my mum tried to play with her grandchildren but made such a performance out of it that it felt unnatural. My mil used to do endless activities with our children but not play as such - they adored her. My FIL is the only grandparent who genuinely played with our kids - they loved it as small children but he's also the only grandparent who just stopped bothering with them as they got older... They barely see him now and he's basically a stranger who comes to Christmas dinner...

Perhaps the weight of the expectation to play is the problem. He shouldn't be heading out immediately if he's invited you but he should be free not to play - he could read to her, do a puzzle, cook with her, take her to feed some ducks or something more suited to his personality.

Could it be that he always goes for a walk at that time, even when you're not there?

I have felt this with my dad before because I've popped in only for him to take the dog out 10 mins later! But it's more that it's his daily routine rather than that he's escaping from me.

How old is your DD OP? Maybe your DF is going out to avoid the first bit of the visit when she will be most excitable. Perhaps he thinks she'll have calmed down a bit after she's been there an hour?

May be he's just the playful type and perhaps the relationship with her will change the older she gets. Perhaps he doesn't know how to interact with her but it's sort of obvious that going for a walk is a way to get away. May be just have an honest conversation without judgement. You may be able to change this but not necessarily.

Good idea Gilly12345. Ask your mum.

YABU. 2hrs per week is actually a lot of time spent with a grandchild. I had far less with my grandparents growing up, my children had far less with their grandparents growing up and I will probably have far less time with any grandchildren I may have too.

Just because your DM wants more time doesn’t make your DF a “miserable git” as a pp called him. I think 2hr bursts are absolutely a joy and isn’t it better that your grandchild be around when he is able to pay attention and be active with them? If he needs a walk to mentally prepare himself, then let him be.

Two hours a week every single week is a lot.

You may not think so but he clearly does.

Maybe go round once a month or every six weeks instead

Aw I would feel sad the same as you op.

And I guess that the child is younger than school age, so very little still, and he doesn't like children.

He will probably want spend time with her when she's older and can have a proper conversation. He just doesn't want to play with a small child

Hmm, I absolutely hate "playing".

What does she want to play? It could be that they have a better relationship when she's a bit older.

[quote Youngstreet]@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Why do you want him specifically to play with her?

In our family playing with your dgc is normal.[/quote]

In my family it's the norm for everyone to choose to interact with their dgc how they like. My mum would play endless silly games, my dad would take her shopping and buy her anything she wanted! I didn't instruct them what to do with her, it's up to them to shape their own relationship in their own way. You don't have to play for hours to have a loving relationship with your grandchildren.

Considering by the time you get to their house you have had already a catch up with your mum, I would stay for half an hour and leave.

Two hours seems too much to put an elderly person, who finds children a bit difficult, with a young child even if he is the grandpa. Half an hour there may give your child more interaction with him than staying by two hours.

Go to the house every other week or let it be known you’re only staying for an hour.

Some people don’t enjoy playing with small children and especially not in front of an audience. Do you think he feels pressured to play with her?

Something else to consider is it might not be anything to do with your dd. I make excuses to be busy when Mil and Sil come round because I find it stressful. The visit consists of moaning and being really negative and I don’t enjoy it.

It's a shame, OP. Of course he doesn't have to interact with his DGC if he doesn't want to, but then he isn't really going to build a relationship with her.

There is a window of time ime when grandchildren think their grandparents are the best thing ever and are really excited to interact with them and play with them. Unfortunately, this also coincides with the period when children are often quite hard work (around 2 to 7). But if grandparents want a close relationship with their DGC, they need to spend the time building the bond in the early years. Otherwise the relationship will just fizzle out later when DC want to spend more time with their friends and aren't as bothered about family. It will just be an annoying obligation for them.

Some people find it really hard to tolerate young children, even if they’re related to them. The noise & demand for attention can be annoying.

@Dishwashersaurous

Two hours a week every single week is a lot.

You may not think so but he clearly does.

Maybe go round once a month or every six weeks instead

Is it?

I wouldn't think 2 hours a week was a lot to see your parents?

I wouldn't stop going round, definitely not. But I'd just let my dad do his own thing.

I'd probably also ask my mum whether he minds us going round since he seems to go out every time, but again that might just be what he does every day.

See everyone is very different. But I think that seeing someone who doesn't like small children, with a small child, every single week is a lot.

Some grandparents are desperate for time with their GC, some aren’t. It’s just what it is.

Imagine having something forced on you every week that you don’t like. It would be horrible.

I’m not saying that feels good, or that it’s normal per se, but it’s reality.

Playing with small children is mind numbing. I also think lots of old people find the noise and drama of small children really tiring. I'd leave your Dad to it tbh.

Everyone's different. You can't make him something he's not. I'm sure he loves you and his granddaughter but probably just doesn't know how to relate to her or doesn't enjoy playing with or being around children. Your mum seems to enjoy it which is why she invites you round. Don't be annoyed with your dad.

You said yourself he’s not a fan of young children, even his own, so I don’t really understand why you’re surprised. I think spending 1 or 2 hours per week with his GD is plenty to be honest.

Is the DC one of those irritating ones that won’t let the grown ups speak without trying to get all the attention?

@Glitterygreen
I wouldn't think 2 hours a week was a lot to see your parents?

Yes, it is much higher than average. Most adults don’t see their parents for 2hrs every week, with or without grandchildren.