My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

[again2020]

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

I think 2 hours a week is alot to see grandparents but I come from families where we only see them every few months. “They have done their time”

I don’t think either is AIBU, you want him to interact more and he doesn’t want to. It’s personal preference. In my experience of having GP not living up to your expectations, I would try to let it go. There’s nothing you can do to change them, it’s their choice. The main person it’s affecting is you, being annoyed

@seekinglondonlife

Two hours of a young, noisy child is a lot for people who don't like young noisy children. It sucks OP, but I think you'll just have to accept that he doesn't want to be the doting, hands on grandfather.

*@again2020g your kids 2 hours out of the 3 you're there is fine @again2020*

As that poster said, not everyone wants to have boisterous, noisy children around them. When our 2 DDs come with their boyfriends (once every 4 weeks they all come,) me and DH (both late 50s,) love to see them, but after about 2.5 to 3 hours we start to flag a bit, and get weary and tired from entertaining, and chatting, and laughing and listening to them etc... And there are no children involved. If they brought kids as well, we would wear down faster!

@again2020 Sorry, first line should read 'your dad being there 2 hours out of the 3 hours you are there is fine!'

How'd old is DD?

Thanks everyone for replies. A lot to think about.
Not time for long reply but will later.
DD is 4

I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s not interested and your mother is driving this

Maybe she can come to yours instead?

@JudgeJ

I don't know how old your father is but if he's like me, mid 70s, he will be of a generation where we didn't always feel it necessary to be constantly interecting with our children, now grandchildren, they would have their toys and they would play with them as they wished.That's not to say they were totally ignored but I do find it odd, the current trend to never let children play on their own.

There are lots of ways to interact with grandchildren but I as a grandmother am baffled at the idea of being required to play with them. I don’t, and hardly ever have “played” with mine and we have close and loving relationships. They’re children and perfectly capable (if left to it) of playing by themselves.

@again2020

Thanks everyone for replies. A lot to think about. Not time for long reply but will later. DD is 4

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You should entertain us, give us a long reply - listen to us go on and on for the rest of the day. Are you going for a two hour walk!?

If he can't manage 2 hours he has no intention /inclination to know his own dgc. Very sad imo.

When you get to a certain age you can't always stand noise, grandchildren or not, as you said he's never been great with noise, also as hard as it may sound just because it's he's grandchild it doesn't mean he still wants to tolerate the noise. Not everyone I'm sad to say are bothered about grandchildren, you sometimes just have to except people for who they are. X

@Santahasjoinedww

If he can't manage 2 hours he has no intention /inclination to know his own dgc. Very sad imo.

That’s unfair to say. The OP is complaining that 2hrs every week in person one on one time is not enough. She wants more than 2hrs every week. I personally think that 2hrs every week with a grandchild is well above average and more than enough to develop a good bond and relationship.

My DF is a grumpy old git too who isn't very good with children. It's easier when he's not around, so I don't ask or expect him to change. He can't.
DM is a fan granny so we focus on that - I gave up being disappointed & hurt by my DF many years ago.

FAB Granny, grrr.

@Ellowyn Is that really necessary?

OP,

I couldn't do 2 hours with a 3 year old now if I was expected to be fully interactive.

I'm late 50's.

Judge the man on who he is and has been, not on this.

@Ellowyn Eh?

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

FAB Granny, grrr.

Fan granny?!

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm going to meet my mum at softplay in future weeks. It's true my mum is the one who wants us go come over, her and my father are very different people in many ways. There's a 10 year age gap between them with my mother being early 60s and father late 70s and it seems quite pronounced these days. He is very much of of "I've done my time" type. He never really played with us but we had great days in in outdoors as kids. We have done that in summer and it goes a little better. He doesnt come to meet us at the park now as he just doesn't want to. Shame really, he is 72 but very active. He may enjoy it more than being at home with DD.

I'm suprised at the people who say that 2 hours is a lot. Not sure if it's a regional thing (I'm in the north) or just typical of the people I know, but I have friends who see their parents several times a week with the kids. My parents are very local, a 5 minute drive away, and dd is their only grandchild and likely to stay that way, so they don't have many demands on their time and I do find it disappointing. However it's time i accept who my father is and read the situation better. Thank you for letting me see a different perspective.

• early 60s and early 70s

Miserable old gits can't and won't magically transform themselves into Werthers Original grandads.
What about finding something positive for them to do together? Walking? Gardening? Jigsaws? Cleaning the car? Where DD is occupied and your DF doesn't have to act in a way he is uncomfortable with.
My DC were lighting bonfires & doing carpentry from a v young age.
He's still a grumpy deaf git with memory issues but my DC have learned how to deal with it.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Miserable old git? If you (or the OP) has THIS attitude towards a man in your family in his SEVENTIES getting tired and weary after 3 hours in the company of several children, it's not surprising he avoids spending too much time with you and your children. Whenever possible.

@billy1966

OP,

I couldn't do 2 hours with a 3 year old now if I was expected to be fully interactive.

I'm late 50's.

Judge the man on who he is and has been, not on this.

This. ^

@Ionlydomassiveones

I can’t believe people are letting him off the hook so easily. I think it’s bloody rude and hurtful and I’d certainly be making pointed comments about it. Some people would give their right arm for a chance to spend time with GC like that. What a miserable git.

Again. WTF? This man has done nothing wrong. He is a man in his SEVENTIES who is just a bit weary after 2 hours in the company of boisterous children. Give him a break FFS.

@again2020

I don't know if it's regional or not, but I have friends who see their parents several times a week with their kids.

Nope, not regional. Some people 55+, just like a quiet life, and have earned their stripes looking after and raising children, and some people genuinely get weary and tired easily when they're 55+ - especially around boisterous high-energy children! And they can't be doing with entertaining their adult offpring's children because their adult offspring can't be arsed to do it themselves.

Also (shockingly!) some people have no desire to spend 3 days a week with their grandchildren. Some of us have hobbies, friends, and jobs, and a social life. And also like to travel. Me and DH don't have grandkids yet, but I think we would find our adult children coming around 3 times a week with their children, (and staying for hours,) as many people YOU know do, very restrictive and tiring.

I have seen too many cases now of young-ish adults just turning up at nan and grandad's house to offload the kids, and share the load with their parents (the kids grandparents,) because they can't be arsed to entertain them themselves. 'Oooooh, Conor and Chloe wanted to come visit nan and grandads didn't you Conor and Chloe?'

Yeah right, more like mum and dad wanted to come to share the boisterous-children load! Fine if that's the reason, but at least own it! And FFS cut your parents some slack if they want some peace and quiet and don't want your noisy and boisterous kids around all the time