My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

[again2020]

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

I was going to say 2 hours a week sounds plenty .

@HelloFrostyMorning nothing to do with age, my DF has been a miserable git my whole life, spending every evening of my childhood in the pub, always ready for an argument, always on the wind up.
I do love him, but he is who he is.
Frankly it's a relief that he's not keen on spending too much time with my DC.
We have learned to rub along together, not expecting much, not getting much.
My DC's other GPs died before they were born, so we're lucky in that way.

My PIL used to go to bed (during the day) for most of the time we were there with our children and told us to make sure we kept the children quiet. Oh ... and we were not to let them play in the garden or out on the street as it did not look good.

Why of why did they invite us? Used to drive me mad. I refused to go in the end and said they could visit us. Why would I drive 2 hours there and 2 hours back just to be told to keep the children quiet, and not see them?

They were seriously nuts - both with brains like planets, but the nouse of a gnat.

I missed the bit about him being in his 70s. I don't blame him at all!! Being around a noisy toddler, hell I can barely tolerate that now and I'm just 40.

It is really hell being around your young grandchild for 2 hours a week?

I don't think any of my friends or their parents are on mumsnet then 😂

I've got to be honest, I never really saw it that way. But this seems to be a majority view.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@again2020

I don't know if it's regional or not, but I have friends who see their parents several times a week with their kids.

Nope, not regional. Some people 55+, just like a quiet life, and have earned their stripes looking after and raising children, and some people genuinely get weary and tired easily when they're 55+ - especially around boisterous high-energy children! And they can't be doing with entertaining their adult offpring's children because their adult offspring can't be arsed to do it themselves.

Also (shockingly!) some people have no desire to spend 3 days a week with their grandchildren. Some of us have hobbies, friends, and jobs, and a social life. And also like to travel. Me and DH don't have grandkids yet, but I think we would find our adult children coming around 3 times a week with their children, (and staying for hours,) as many people YOU know do, very restrictive and tiring.

I have seen too many cases now of young-ish adults just turning up at nan and grandad's house to offload the kids, and share the load with their parents (the kids grandparents,) because they can't be arsed to entertain them themselves. 'Oooooh, Conor and Chloe wanted to come visit nan and grandads didn't you Conor and Chloe?'

Yeah right, more like mum and dad wanted to come to share the boisterous-children load! Fine if that's the reason, but at least own it! And FFS cut your parents some slack if they want some peace and quiet and don't want your noisy and boisterous kids around all the time[/quote]
This.

I had lovely neighbours when I moved in 25 years ago.

Such a lovely couple.

Within two years of us meeting them, they had retired from 40 year careers.

THEN, their two daughters decided it would be great if they called in EVERY day, for SEVERAL hours with their very young children.

Utterly exhausting for them, but it was a great meet up for their daughters and the cousins...every day.

I met her one day and asked after them both, yada yada, and she said all was well, but the visits from the children were relentless, their only break was to book a holiday away, so that was what they were doing, booking holidays anywhere/any place, to get a break, never being able to just enjoy their home in their retirement, after 40 years working.

He died only a few years later. So sad.
They had NO time together after retiring.

This has made me fill up at the memory.

I have lovely grand niece and nephews.
I can give them my full on, sincere interest and focust for 5 minutes max as I quiz them about their lives.

Then I am done!

What everyone is saying is that not everyone likes spending time every single week with a young child.

Your father is demonstrating that he might well feel the same.

People are saying that his position is understandable and valid.

So don't get upset by it, rather accept his position.

Mum and Sister used to love Sister coming around with the darling GC. DF and I took one look at each other and generally got squashed as we both tried to be the first one out the door.

My dad is somewhat like this. He is diagnosed ASD and finds the noise and constant interruption of small children difficult. However he loves his DGCs very much and enjoys time with them, just in very small bursts.

It's totally the norm when we are at DPs that he retreats to his study as often and for as long as he needs. Works for us.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Miserable old git? If you (or the OP) has THIS attitude towards a man in your family in his SEVENTIES getting tired and weary after 3 hours in the company of several children, it's not surprising he avoids spending too much time with you and your children. Whenever possible.[/quote]
👏👏👏👏👏👏

He's not making a big scene, he's not shouting at your dd or stopping her from playing, he's quietly removing himself and that's very fair. Maybe you just have this idea that GPS should feel privileged to play with their gc. Some just want a break op.

It is really hell being around your young grandchild for 2 hours a week?

It can be hell being around any child depending on how they behave. If they are demanding attention from adults constantly and butting in, yes.

British families are beyond weird.
Two hours a week is a lot with your grandchild?
I'm 55 and teach children all day.
Bizarre behaviour.

My dad was the sane, fine when they were babies but as soon as they were walking and talking and needed actual attention he used to go upstairs as soon as we came to visit. We are now NC.

@Ellowyn Is that really necessary?

I think she made a good point, in fairness.

He's not making a big scene, he's not shouting at your dd or stopping her from playing, he's quietly removing himself and that's very fair. Maybe you just have this idea that GPS should feel privileged to play with their gc. Some just want a break op.

I agree with this. ^

What everyone is saying is that not everyone likes spending time every single week with a young child.
Your father is demonstrating that he might well feel the same.
People are saying that his position is understandable and valid.
So don't get upset by it, rather accept his position.

and this

I remember my Mum saying, when my dc were little "I love to see you come, but I also love to see you go" and I got it. She was tired. She didn't have the patience or energy that she had when we were small. She'd 'done her bit'. She would be round in a flash if I needed something, or if I asked her to babysit occasionally, but I was understanding enough to realise little children can be hard work when you get older.

@billy1966 That is sad that the older couple had no time to themselves. I totally understand older people want time to themselves and to enjoy life after years of raising children and hard work.

@Kite22 Really? I wasn't being rude, I wanted to acknowledge I'd read the replies and wanted to give a longer reply when I could.

I thought grandparents enjoyed being with their grandchildren...for a short time, which is why I thought the couple of hours in the afternoon was ok.
I know I keep banging on about it (and no one really cares 🙄😂) but I'll just give examples of the grandparents of my friends kids:

• 1 does school pick ups and drop offs most days and it's unusual if they don't have the gcs overnight on a Saturday
• several sets had the gcs up to 5 days per week so their parents didn' t have to pay for childcare
• a woman at my daughters dancing is away every other weekend with her husband, the GM often takes her GC to dancing and school as well as having the granddaughter and her brother for a lot of overnights.

Now, I'm very aware this is , in my opinion, far too much to ask. I'm not expecting that at all from my parents. But you can see how from my frame of reference that I thought seeing grandchildren for an afternoon isn't too much.
I also don't expect my father to play with DD the whole time and totally understand him leaving the room or going for some peace while we are there. It isn't a routine thing either, he goes for 2 or 3 walks a day and I know today he had already been out previously. But he is who he is.
Anyway, as I say I really appreciate the replies and advice

Having kids is like having an orgasm......once you've had your own you lose all interest and tedium creeps in.

@BringYourOwnBoris Fair point 😂

Thank you darling.

@BringYourOwnBoris, hilarious have had to screen shot that😂

*1 does school pick ups and drop offs most days and it's unusual if they don't have the gcs overnight on a Saturday

• several sets had the gcs up to 5 days per week so their parents didn' t have to pay for childcare
• a woman at my daughters dancing is away every other weekend with her husband, the GM often takes her GC to dancing and school as well as having the granddaughter and her brother for a lot of overnights*

In these examples is it the grandparents or the grandma? Because you won’t find many grandpas doing full time child care.

Either way it doesn’t matter what other grandparents are doing. For whatever reason it is too much for your dad.

You haven’t described what these visits are like or if you’re daughter expects to be played with for 2 hours. Something is happening during these visits that your dad doesn’t like.

@again2020

I thought grandparents enjoyed being with their grandchildren...for a short time, which is why I thought the couple of hours in the afternoon was ok. I know I keep banging on about it (and no one really cares 🙄😂) but I'll just give examples of the grandparents of my friends kids:

• 1 does school pick ups and drop offs most days and it's unusual if they don't have the gcs overnight on a Saturday
• several sets had the gcs up to 5 days per week so their parents didn' t have to pay for childcare
• a woman at my daughters dancing is away every other weekend with her husband, the GM often takes her GC to dancing and school as well as having the granddaughter and her brother for a lot of overnights.

Now, I'm very aware this is , in my opinion, far too much to ask. I'm not expecting that at all from my parents. But you can see how from my frame of reference that I thought seeing grandchildren for an afternoon isn't too much.
I also don't expect my father to play with DD the whole time and totally understand him leaving the room or going for some peace while we are there. It isn't a routine thing either, he goes for 2 or 3 walks a day and I know today he had already been out previously. But he is who he is.
Anyway, as I say I really appreciate the replies and advice

But what you don't know is how much of this is driven by one grandparent as opposed to both of them. My DC's grandparents saw them frequently, definitely more than 2 hours a week. But I'd say it was driven more by the grandmothers than the grandads as far as invitations to come over, volunteering for overnights, etc. The grandads were there and quietly enjoyed the DC, but they were both less 'actively engaged' especially when the children were little, than my mother and MiL were.

My dad wouldn't go out, but would turn the telly up louder and louder. He'd then ignore the kids and talk politics at me. He was exactly the same in my childhood. He'd then be all over them at going home time. I only used to visit about every few weeks.

I remember my grandfather being very involved with us. He would tell us stories, take us on big walks, let us build things with him. But they were very different people. My grandfather was very family centric, whereas my dad's life was firmly away from his family.

Given your frame of reference in which grandparents are doing lots of actual parenting, then obviously every week for an afternoon doesn't seem too much.

However, other people have said that your experience is not the same everywhere. And that people can understand why someone would think it's too much.

And that the time spent with the child isn't a direct correlation with love for the parent or the child.

Neither approach is wrong or better. They are just different approaches