Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

164 replies

again2020 · 28/01/2022 16:03

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/01/2022 17:51

@Dishwashersaurous

But spending time together when one party doesn't want to builds resentment.

Far more likely to enjoy spending time with her when she's older.

Or maybe he is just old fashioned and wants a handsoff relationship

And like pp have said, what if she doesn't then want to spend time with him them? I'm imagining the responses to a thread saying 'my parents are asking when they'll see me and the gc again, I've told them we just don't like spending time with older people, they're annoying' Shock
JudgeJ · 28/01/2022 17:51

I don't know how old your father is but if he's like me, mid 70s, he will be of a generation where we didn't always feel it necessary to be constantly interecting with our children, now grandchildren, they would have their toys and they would play with them as they wished.That's not to say they were totally ignored but I do find it odd, the current trend to never let children play on their own.

maddy68 · 28/01/2022 17:51

Two hours is actually a lot every week. Perhaps he can't manage more?

Thatsplentyjack · 28/01/2022 17:53

One of my grandas would only pop in to speak to us for about 10 mins when I was younger and we only visited about once a month. The other died when I was 10 so I don't really remember him, but then lived next door at one point.
My dad can't really handle anymore than an hour with my kids before he has to leave and they are 13, 8 and 1 so all different age ranges. He's always been like that. I don't find it offensive, it's just who he is. Their other grandfather has never spent anymore than about 30 minutes with them and we rarely see them.

WonderfulYou · 28/01/2022 17:53

I haven’t voted as I do think either of you are BU.

You want your DC to spend time with your dad and he finds young children too much.

What is your DD like around him?
Does she sit playing quietly and drawing or is she full of beans?
You are used to her so probably don’t realise how draining little children can be.

Do you think your mum feels the same?
If not I would just carry on as normal or every other week go to the park and then a cafe or something.

hairymorag · 28/01/2022 17:55

It sounds like its your mum who wants you there every friday. Hence your dad leaves, doesnt sound as if he agrees with this arrangement. I hardly see my mum but she doesnt play with my DC when she does see them. She was never that type of mum or gran. Kids still love her and she is funny. But she is more interested in chatting to me than playing with the kids. Think you need to lower your expectations.

Thatsplentyjack · 28/01/2022 17:56

@JudgeJ

I don't know how old your father is but if he's like me, mid 70s, he will be of a generation where we didn't always feel it necessary to be constantly interecting with our children, now grandchildren, they would have their toys and they would play with them as they wished.That's not to say they were totally ignored but I do find it odd, the current trend to never let children play on their own.
I'm 32 and I've notice this too. I work with children and so many children now can't actually amuse themselves. They seem to need constant interaction and validation from adults. It's a shame really.
Museumland · 28/01/2022 17:58

I don't think 2 hours every week is not much time to be honest. I don't know how old your dad is, but my dad quite often goes to another room when we arrive but is very happy to talk and chat, he just has a routine that he likes, wants a peaceful afternoon etc. I would just let him be.

5128gap · 28/01/2022 18:01

The trouble with a regular two hour slot is its a bit like hospital visiting, you're forced to interact for that set period whether you feel like it or not, and it's a bit pressured. Especially if like me, you'd rather have your teeth pulled than play with a small child. I forced myself with my own, but hated it. I'm just not that great with small DC, but was fabulous with my teens. Perhaps he is similar and will be more hands on at different stages. In the meantime could you do less formal visiting, popping in for shorter times more often, or mixing it up with asking him on activities?

5128gap · 28/01/2022 18:04

@JudgeJ

I don't know how old your father is but if he's like me, mid 70s, he will be of a generation where we didn't always feel it necessary to be constantly interecting with our children, now grandchildren, they would have their toys and they would play with them as they wished.That's not to say they were totally ignored but I do find it odd, the current trend to never let children play on their own.
This is an excellent point. I'm 50 and don't recall adults playing with me. I played with toys or other children.
VioletOcean · 28/01/2022 18:05

He might find 2 hours is a long time.
You could stop going, you say they’re hands off, I just couldn’t be bothered. You don’t owe them anything. Let them make the effort

Blueeyedgirl21 · 28/01/2022 18:08

Why don’t you just take your mum out and about? Coffee or soft play or something ? She would love it I’m sure ! And your dad wouldn’t have to do this awkward going out thing

Ellowyn · 28/01/2022 18:14

@CrimbleCrumble1

Is the DC one of those irritating ones that won’t let the grown ups speak without trying to get all the attention?
That is what I was thinking.
TopTabby · 28/01/2022 18:21

My df has never spent 2 hours with my dds & they're grown up now.
Cut your losses & potential upset & accept that's how he is & he won't change.
Enjoy the time with your mum, meet her at the park & go back to yours for tea with her, make some new routines & leave your dad to it. If you get on with him generally, he can pop in for the last 10 minutes or whatever.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 28/01/2022 18:22

Well I think he will be the loser in the end, ex FIL ( widower) was never interested in our dc, never played with them, took them out on his own, read them stories or had them at his house unlike my mum who did all of that and more.

Now he is elderly, housebound and a bit lonely he complains that the dc ( 21 and 18) don't much bother with him and he doesn't have much of a relationship with them.

Hmm it's a puzzle

LethargicActress · 28/01/2022 18:26

Some people, especially as they get older, find being around young children stressful because of the noise they make, the attention they want, the way you have to chat to them and almost ‘perform’ if interacting with them doesn’t come naturally.

It doesn’t mean your dad doesn’t love your dc.

schoolsoutforever · 28/01/2022 18:29

Sounds completely normal. My dad saw my kids about twice a year (due to distance), even then he really didn’t do much with them ever and always did his own thing. Some grandparents are very involved but most prefer to enjoy their retirement without too much involvement. Obviously as parents most of us wish we got the excited and involved type but you can’t expect it. Not to say it isn’t a bit disappointing, but I don’t think he’s being rude.

Kite22 · 28/01/2022 18:37

Two hours of a young, noisy child is a lot for people who don't like young noisy children. It sucks OP, but I think you'll just have to accept that he doesn't want to be the doting, hands on grandfather.

This ^

You said yourself he wasn't very hands on when you were small. He is therefore less likely to be hands on when he is 25 (30?) years older.

My Dad never once sat on the floor and played with any of my dc. Doesn't mean he didn't love them all 100%. It just wasn't his 'thing'

georgarina · 28/01/2022 18:37

My dad doesn't do this but FIL sees the kids maybe for 5 minutes when they come and then disappears off upstairs. Never struck me as odd, everyone's different, but talk to him if it bothers you?

crosstalk · 28/01/2022 18:45

Another one saying every family is different. I have cousins who have all lived in the same area and loved visiting. The rest of us live all over the country and world. Two hours a week is a lot for some grandparents and yes, it is their loss, but some can't cope with very young children. I would welcome any of mine but wouldn't be much use though can read to them/play games/take them for walks. Perhaps OP's GP feels excluded?

Beseen22 · 28/01/2022 18:46

My parents are the same, love the idea of being grandparents but can't be bothered with their actual grandchildren. My kids are kids, they chat, they make mess and can be annoying. We only ever go round if invited probably once every 2 months and then if we went 3-5 they would never think to say 'oh do you want to stay for tea?'. Every time they are together DF posts a photo to FB of time with his lovely grandsons and then goes back to ignoring them. They have a big toy set that's hidden away that my DS has been asking to play with for years and they say oh next time you come we will get the trains out. They never do. My DM never pops in. We lived 3 hours away for 10 years and they spent the entire time moaning about how awful it was not getting to see the grandkids growing up. We now live 10 minutes away and see them less.

It is what it is, my DC clearly prefer their other grandparents who although we live hundreds of miles away see them much more and are much more hands on. If they can't spend 2 hours with their grandchildren then they shouldn't expect the grandchildren to want to spend 2 hours visiting them when they are housebound.

Socialcarenope · 28/01/2022 18:46

2 hours a week would be far far too much for my dad. I see him about every other month for around 2 hours and he struggles with that to be honest. You have to accept people for who they are.

Gasfire · 28/01/2022 18:47

This will be me, if I ever become a grandparent. My little kid days are done, done, done.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/01/2022 18:49

My stepdad did this for a few years. Turns out he despises me and my brother and couldn’t care less about my kids.
I wish I’d known earlier. We just don’t bother going anymore.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2022 18:49

@again2020

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine. We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after. Aibu?
My dad was never one to get on the ground and 'play' with my sons when they were very little. It was more like they'd bring him a toy, he'd say 'very nice', maybe make a sound (car for a toy car, animal sound for stuffy, etc) and he'd hand the toy back. Maybe roll a ball back and forth from his chair. When they were older he'd converse with them or sit them next to him to watch baseball. At any rate, it was more 'passive' than active, IYSWIM. I think for him it was his age and 'generational thinking' as he was born in 1914. But it was what he was comfortable with and I needed to respect that.

What exactly is it you expect your dad to do? Get on the ground and play 'Barbies' or the like? Or just let her sit on his lap and read a book to her? At any rate I don't think he's being 'rude' if you're insisting on more than he is comfortable doing or if your child is particularly 'boisterous'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread