My dad goes out for a walk as soon as we arrive

[again2020]

Just a quick one. My parents are quite hands off with DD, thats fine.
We go to see them on a Friday afternoon but often meet my mum first on the park then drive to their house. So DD sometimes only sees my father for 2 hours, if that. Quite often, not every time but at least 1 in 3 he will go out for an hour long walk when we get there. It's clear DD wants to see him and play. I think it's rude as he could go before we arrive, or after.
Aibu?

My df found young dc really hard to be with.
It used to bother me but I got my head round it.
He came from a generation where ( indoors) dc were expected to play by selves indoors.( he told my dc to go and play) and as such he didnt want to play with them as his expectation was different.
The exeptions were
Playing games like cards and playing outside.

[quote EmpressCixi]@Glitterygreen
I wouldn't think 2 hours a week was a lot to see your parents?

Yes, it is much higher than average. Most adults don’t see their parents for 2hrs every week, with or without grandchildren.[/quote]
I honestly don't think it is, if you're local.

Most people I know (who don't live far away) see their parents at least once a week, especially once they've had kids.

I sometimes feel like this with my DN&Dn they can be so full on and attention seeking, sometimes and it gets a bit much every week.

I wouldn't take offence, he deals with it his way without compromising your visits.

[quote EmpressCixi]@Glitterygreen
I wouldn't think 2 hours a week was a lot to see your parents?

Yes, it is much higher than average. Most adults don’t see their parents for 2hrs every week, with or without grandchildren.[/quote]
How can you know this?
I realise that times have changed - when I was a child (60s/70s) we would have Saturday morning with GF, and Saturday teatime with GM on the other side, also on Sunday teatime.

Sadly my parents dies before my DC were born, and I know they would have been hands-on. My ILS live a long way away, and didn't bother much with my DC when they were little, so didn't build a relationship with them. So now, visits to GPs are a chore.
It's very sad.
OP - do you want your DF to have a good relationship with your DC? It starts now.

I think this is all about different lifestyles.

I've been thinking and I don't know anyone who sees their parents every week. Every six weeks or so is probably average.

But what other people do is immaterial. Its clearly too much for your dad

I think the invite comes from your Mum, and your Dad takes himself off, as it does his head in. A bit like my father did.

@anon12345anon nailed it on the first page.

He won’t change either. I’d just concentrate on your dm.

Every six weeks or so is probably average.

Not if you live locally though. I see my dad most weeks.

If your child is a hyperactive, noisy toddler then perhaps he doesn't have the patience.

@Dishwashersaurous

And I guess that the child is younger than school age, so very little still, and he doesn't like children.

He will probably want spend time with her when she's older and can have a proper conversation. He just doesn't want to play with a small child

But the OP's DD may not be very interested in conversing with a grandfather with whom she has very little bond at that stage. Relationships aren't one-sided and they aren't instantaneous. They develop by spending time together.

That's really weird and rude behaviour of your dad. He clearly doesn't want to spend time with you. I would be really miffed. Was he a hands off dad when you were growing up?

But spending time together when one party doesn't want to builds resentment.

Far more likely to enjoy spending time with her when she's older.

Or maybe he is just old fashioned and wants a handsoff relationship

It’s hurtful I know (my late MIL made it clear her other GC were her favourites), but may be in time you dad might be better when your daughter is older. I know some one who had little to do with small children but now volunteers to work with Duke of Edinburgh teenagers and scouts. I adore my grandaughters as does my OH but I am definitely better at playing with them. Teenagers bore me to death though!

OP,

Don't fight it.

Meet your mum in the park and head home.

He wasn't hands on when you were small and he just finds it too much.

I don't think you are going to change him.

Accept it and go there less.

Maybe have your mum overnight if she would like it.

Move on without him and drama.

Lots of people love their grandchildren but find them very tiring.

Maybe it's a time when he'd usually go out for a walk, just wants to switch off or he's got fed up of it being the same thing each week. Could they come to you for a change, maybe offer tea (something really simple with salad if it's easy for you), maybe an afternoon out doing something you'll enjoy (walk/takeaway coffee and a play area for DD) or evening a family meal out.

@supersop60
How can you know this?

Because almost all families do not live close enough to both sets of grandparents or have time for weekly visits to both sets of grandparents. Even the OP- she’s only visiting one set grandparents. In addition, a large number do not live close to any of the grandparents so only see them on holidays, school breaks and such like. It’s simple demographics. And if you have a grandparent doing childcare, you are privileged and lucky.

It's ultimately his loss if he can't be bothered with his grandchild.

it doesn't seem much to ask. Maybe it is.

I don't think it's a case of whether it's too much to ask. You are struggling to accept the reality of the situation (which is fine, we all do this at times). What do you make of your dad going for a walk? Do you feel it is a rejection of your daughter? A criticism of you? What?

Some people just don't enjoy the company of young DC. GC or not. My DM could go almost a month without seeing my DC when they were little, no impromptu days out, never ever a sleepover in 13 years. PIL were an hour away and we saw them even less. No GP were ever really desperate for time with them.
19 years on and it's a non issue really.

I think its rude, but what can you do? You can only see what your mum thinks, maybe go every over week or she can come to you. That sort of behaviour would make me question the relationship entirely. Was he an arse when you were young?

Interesting though that the vote is pretty split with lots of people saying how appalling this is that this poor man is expected to sit in a room with his grandchild for 2 hours a week! I mean how entitled can you get sheesh

That is quite a lot of time to spend together but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s very rude to invite someone over and then go out. Talk to them about maybe reducing the time (you could even do smaller but more frequent chunks like half an hour twice a week?) or your mum coming to you so your dad doesn’t have to be involved.

I can see why you’re upset.

But I wouldn’t want my DC spending time with someone who was not enjoying it and only doing it out of politeness.

So maybe it’s for the best? Hopefully things will change as she gets older.

Two hours a week is a lot. That’s not hands off, it’s really hands on! How old is your child?

I feel for you op, my dad is similar. My mum loves seeing her GC but my dad goes into grumpy git mode because he can’t be arsed, it spoils it for everyone else!

My father would often go out minutes after we arrived. It was the best choice for everyone. He couldn’t handle the chaos of even one very well-behaved child. Instead he would keep himself busy and pop in and out. Dd would get time with him eventually, we were just strategic about it. Their best activities were outdoors.