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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

158 replies

JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:24

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 27/01/2022 21:29

Make your own way in life - you're an adult, why expect in laws or parents to support you?

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:33

Thin woman I am not sure what you mean?
I didnt expect anyone to support me?

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 27/01/2022 21:34

You have dh, your dc and nobody to thank. Sil is stuck with them 2!!
Grin

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:35

I'm not too sure why you keep mentioning grandchildren. It's not a competition to see who has children it doesn't make you better than her or her less worthy of her mum's love.

They clearly don't like you and don't seem to trust DH around their house either. Just be happy with your family and don't give them any more headspace. It's not worth getting upset about.

WhyYesYABU · 27/01/2022 21:36

Why did they cry over your house?!

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:36

Because they wouldnt touch dh with a barge pole nor I if it werent for the GC. In fact they were actively encouraging him to move abroad pre dc Grin

Its easy not to give them head space but they are like a battering ram expecting a relationship but by passing us and with the dc.

OP posts:
Dogdayafternoonz · 27/01/2022 21:37

What? Why did they back the wrong horse? Do you think your DH is worth more than his sister because he hasn't got divorced YET and had children? That is what you think. I doubt they think they backed the wrong horse. If they did like her more then, they like her more now. If.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:37

Moo sakah - I know.

I would however never treat my own dc like she has and expect the one I treat like crap who has DC to then have a relatinship with those dc.

OP posts:
MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:38

Because they wouldnt touch dh with a barge pole nor I if it werent for the GC. then don't let them touch you with anything. You don't have to have a relationship with them.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/01/2022 21:38

They sound bit like hard work.
Did anyone else think this was about training horses, and they had backed / broken in the bay for you instead of the piebald. I need to get out of the countryside more often 🤣

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:39

@Dogdayafternoonz

What? Why did they back the wrong horse? Do you think your DH is worth more than his sister because he hasn't got divorced YET and had children? That is what you think. I doubt they think they backed the wrong horse. If they did like her more then, they like her more now. If.
And it's not about "backing the wrong horse" its about not caring for both their horses equally.
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:40

DOG Day.

they invested all their love into sil but from my POV her Bf then DH. They let him stay when he could have lived elsewhere and wasnt temporarily desperate like I was etc. They revered him and talked down to me and treated me with suspicion when through no fault of my own a terrible tradegy befell me. They showed through their actions that sil and her dh although married could be trusted with their money but dh, my then BF ie I would have less claim then on his deposit - had to go through strict legal documents etc. Thats why I mean by backing the wrong horse.

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 27/01/2022 21:40

I don’t really understand but I gather that the gist is that bad stuff happened to you and your now-DH but you’ve risen above it and are now in a good place, no thanks to your in laws. So that’s nice for you.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:41

well they certainly do not care for their horses eqaully but esp not me or sils now ex dh.

OP posts:
Porfre · 27/01/2022 21:42

I think having children doesn't make you any better than your sister in law. In the future she could still have some.

From what you've wrote I don't think its about you at all, but the relationship your parent in laws have with your husband. They just seem closer to their daughter.

CallMeNutribullet · 27/01/2022 21:42

Clearly sil is the golden child but your DH isn't "better" because he has kids or isn't divorced.

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 27/01/2022 21:43

I think the way you're viewing it and the way you're phrasing it is a bit odd. Backed the wrong horse? What were they supposed to win?

Are you being unreasonable to think that it's pretty shitty to treat your children and their partners so differently for no clear reason? No. It wouldn't even be unreasonable to tell them that your relationship with them is strained because of this and they need to manage their expectations of how involved they will be with DC. But to say they "backed the wrong horse" and should have shown you preferential treatment instead is entirely wrong. They shouldn't have shown anyone preferential treatment, they shouldn't have been investing in any "side".

Nightlystroll · 27/01/2022 21:46

Well done to you for having 2 children.
And hahaha to your SIl for having none and divorcing.

Is that that right? You sound delightful.

THEDEACON · 27/01/2022 21:47

Time to go no contact and enjoy life without them in it

Onthefloor2 · 27/01/2022 21:47

I understand what you are saying Op, and yes, they backed the wrong horse.

It’s their own fault and shouldn’t be treating their adult children differently.

Shouldbedoing · 27/01/2022 21:52

I understand OP. SIL can do no wrong, DH could win Nobel prize and still be unappreciated. I think you're in a golden child, scapegoat and narcissistic situation. Ignore them and concentrate on the good things like your decent lovely husband.

Youngstreet · 27/01/2022 21:53

Your in-laws sound like snobs op.
Don’t give them any headspace.

AgathaAllAlong · 27/01/2022 22:06

YABU to think that being divorced or without children makes you "the wrong horse" to back. What does that even mean? It's unfair to treat kids differently, but the idea that you are somehow superior or more worthy of IL's attention because you're still married and have had children isn't great tbh.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 22:07

They shouldn't have backed one horse over the other but your horse isn't any better or more deserving of being backed

LaughingCat · 27/01/2022 22:08

Yeah, you’ve phrased it weirdly but I get what you mean.

It’s not that you think you are better than your SIL or her XH, it’s that by your parent in laws’ obviously very superficial metrics for ‘success’ (having a husband who is a banker, providing children), your SIL seemed to be the better bet in the beginning for all their bragging rights, whereas, in the end, she doesn’t meet their criteria at all whereas you guys do in some ways.

So no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - it sounds like a classic golden child/scapegoat situation. I would go no-contact if neither you nor the hubby actually want to be around them. And a toxic relationship with their grandparents won’t ever be better than no relationship for your kids.

But it’s up to you - I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation, they sound pretty awful.