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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

158 replies

JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:24

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

OP posts:
FoamBurst · 27/01/2022 22:46

I get what you mean.
I'd go. NC with them. They sound horrible.
They can't treat their daughter differently to their son. Which is essentially what they did.
Gave their dd a no strings attached deposit. Not their son.
And other things

My fil had a similar upbringing I've hear the stories of how a him and his sister were treated differently and still are even in their 60s. It's so sad

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:47

Married people have more claim on each other's asset

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 27/01/2022 22:53

@JanuaryBluehoo

They treated dh as less. They treated me as less but revered sils dh.

They could have said I could stay like sils bf but it was made clear I wasn't that welcome. At that time I was literally homeless and desperate. So I was grateful for any help but looking back I realised hang on....sils bf was living there full time and I was having to ask dh was every week.

It went on for about three months until I rented a room.

Sils bf was there for at least a year until pil gave them a deposit

At this point they were probably pig sick of running a hotel for their kids partners. You keep saying you were grateful for any help but because they took on in permanently you're basically saying they should've done the same for you.

Why?? What makes you think you were entitled to live in their house? They sound like lovely people, opening their home and dishing out money to their adult kids.

Hshuznw · 27/01/2022 22:53

@JanuaryBluehoo

Well hsh yes!! Thankfully unlike sil with her dh my husband never treated me like a lodger!! Paying him rent. And we ddint marry under pressure to keep me here .

Who knows what will happen in future?

You being married with children doesn’t make you the better person, and your belief that it does reflects poorly on you.

Maybe your PIL backed the right horse after all, in that they focussed more on which son or daughter in law was kinder?

DiddyHeck · 27/01/2022 22:56

Maybe your PIL backed the right horse after all, in that they focussed more on which son or daughter in law was kinder?

This, with bells on.

bossybloss · 27/01/2022 22:56

Yes, they did back the wrong horse.You reap what you sow etc etc.

They did not invest in their relationship with you and now you are not beholden to them.I would just concentrate on your own family with any regret or remorse.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 27/01/2022 22:58

Hello op. I get totally how you mean so just wanted to give hugs. His mum and dad revere his sister. She’s a drama queen that can do no wrong whereas we are critiscised for every little thing. Yes it rankles, because somehow we are in a competition and everyone knows thee rules except us. Yes we are adults etc etc, but it’s still just, unjust. We have to listen to MIL telling us how hard SIL has it when she patently doesn’t and it’s all crated to get maximum drama/ attention. I’m with you OP!

Mellowyellow222 · 27/01/2022 23:09

What age were you when you found yourself homeless - what age was your then boyfriend?

I wouldn’t expect my boyfriends parents to put me up. Why didn’t your boyfriend help you?

They don’t sound like particularly nice people, but you need to let it go.

And as others have said, you haven’t won anything by staying married and having kids. Your aren’t better or worse than your siL. Your I. Laws just didn’t like you for some reason: their loss

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 23:10

@Hshuznw

I don't believe it does at all.

But they invested everything into what they saw as the premier relationship.
And didn't treat dh and I the same

I do hope for their sake that sil develops kindness I've never seen evidence of it Grin it's not a highly prized commodity in their eyes. Dh is the kind one.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 27/01/2022 23:11

Also they did let you stay - just not move in.

ChristmasPlanning · 27/01/2022 23:11

Sob was in life isn't about having kids and not being divorced- so no winning or losing has happened.

If you and your DH do not think your PIL treat you all well then make a change. Would DH talk to them? Does he recognise the difference in how he is treated? Would NC or LC help etc

Lalliella · 27/01/2022 23:14

So you think you’re superior to SIL because her marriage failed and she didn’t have children. Hmmm…. You sound nice Hmm

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 23:14

Well, winning or loss has happened.

They are close to sil but it's dh who has the gc and it's US they have been vile too

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 23:15

@Lalliella

Do you think sils bf was superior to me by having a job in banking?

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 27/01/2022 23:16

Just get on with your lives, and treat them as what they are, distant relatives. You don't have to see them, and neither do your children.

Hshuznw · 27/01/2022 23:19

[quote JanuaryBluehoo]@Lalliella

Do you think sils bf was superior to me by having a job in banking?[/quote]
You’re assuming it was banking!

Maybe there are issues with your historic DH which means they trust SIL more? Maybe they felt SIL’s husband had a better character than you?

You’ve made it about him having a banking job.

Honestly, you need to reassess all this!

DysmalRadius · 27/01/2022 23:22

While I can understand your resentment towards them and their unwillingness to foster a close relationship, it sounds like they feel much the same about you, so I can't work out how you're framing it in your mind.

They clearly had financial concerns about your position as their son's girlfriend that they didn't about your ex BIL, so I can understand them wanting to protect themselves (and him) from any potential pitfalls in your relationship that could leave them/him out of pocket.

They may have been wrong about that, but it seems as though relationships with both their children are transactional, whereas you were raised with kindness and fairness as more of a priority. However, your posts sound as though you are getting sucked into their way of thinking, which is perhaps what makes them sound confusing. You don't want a relationship with them because they aren't nice people, not because of contracts or deposits. And that's totally fair enough!

expensiveshite · 27/01/2022 23:24

I think you've worded this badly. Yes they did back the wrong horse, but that wasn't your SIL, but her then BF. It is unfair that they saw him as a good bet, and therefore bent over backwards to accommodate him, when he could have supported himself. They may not have owed it to you to help out, but it wasn't very compassionate to help out one child/their partner so much and the other so little.

But it's never ever going to change. You've realised now who they are so base your future interactions on the level of concern they have given you both.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/01/2022 23:26

It's basic favouritism.
They prefer your SIL to your DH, ergo her choices are preferable to his as well.
You are not better or worse than SIL's exH - you were just associated with your DH, who was already treated as the no-good one, so you were tainted by association.

Now she's divorced, she's still the favourite so there is no change in how they feel about your DH or you. Yes, you have the grandkids and they want to have a relationship with them - but you know what? I'd honestly tell them to fuck off into the sea.

No doubt they'll start playing favourites with them as well at some point and you can't let that happen. It's a disgusting thing to do in a family and creates lifelong resentment.

LakieLady · 27/01/2022 23:34

They sound utterly vile and I'd NC or at least VLC with them.

Don't waste your enery on people who have no love or respect for you, OP.

DiddyHeck · 27/01/2022 23:38

@JanuaryBluehoo

Well, winning or loss has happened.

They are close to sil but it's dh who has the gc and it's US they have been vile too

Your marriage isn't untouchable you know in terms of divorce/separation, so be very careful who you sneer at and why. If you and your DH ever break up they may become close to him again. Equally your SIL could remarry and have kids.

It's not a competition.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2022 23:38

The thing you need to realize is that you harboring all this resentment isn't hurting them one teeny bit, but it is hurting you a lot! I doubt that they give you a second thought but you are wasting so much time thinking about them. We put a lot of emotional energy into bitterness and resentment. The best thing you can do is just keep the lesson learnt (that they are not to be trusted) but let the resentment go.

As far as the now and the future, they can't force you or DH to do anything. They can't force you to see them nor take the grandchildren to see them. They can't force you to admit them to your home. They can't force you to communicate with them in any way. All you have to do is block them. Block them and move forward as if they no longer existed.

You can't have a happy life when you're so mired down with resentment.

billy1966 · 27/01/2022 23:38

So there only interest in you is for access to your children?

Decide what you want and stick to it.

If you don't wish to see them don't.

If they treat you poorly, don't see them. Flowers

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 23:42

Thumb witches they already did which was a huge reason why I felt uncomfortable with them.
My own dp didn't have great relations with my siblings the difference was they didn't turn up,call email or hound my siblings and make it obvious they didn't like them but expected .."expected " a relationship with gc.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 27/01/2022 23:42

Tbh noone comes out smelling of roses. They have treated one child better than the other for years, that was always going to cause resentment. Your dh deserves better but isn't going to get it from his parents so should cut all contact.

You aren't any better than sil because you provided the grandkids but seem to feel as though you are. They weren't obliged to let you live at there home long term and maybe they did think that sil's dh was a better prospect than you. He had a good job and could provide well for their daughter. What were you bringing to the table at that time? Your life then was chaotic and maybe they wanted more for their son than you. I don't think any parent would be wrong in wanting the best for their child and at least on paper sils ex had more going for him than you did.

You and your dh are still going strong, have children and are presumably happy. You need to let their slights towards you go and move on with your life. In your view compared to sil you and your dh are 'winning' at life anyway. Move on, cut contact and be happy.