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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

158 replies

JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:24

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 23:45

Yes Billy.

Before gc they cut US out of dinners with family friend, sil and bil invited,made clear us must leave.

If we bumped into them out and about they shoot off. Any family gathering trying to get US to leave etc!!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 27/01/2022 23:56

If your pol are treating you this badly why Don you allow then access to your children. I hope the kids are young and you can withdraw from them before they get too involved. Can you imagine what kind of crap they are feeding the kids...
Your mums rubbish you don't need to listen to her come here to us instead we'll give you this. Your mum was a tramp on the streets you know....

coraka · 28/01/2022 00:05

I think I'm a little uncomfortable with access to GC being issued or withdrawn as a gift or punishment, or in response to perceived slights many years ago at the very beginning of the relationship.

I would put my DC and their interests first. Do the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents? Do they love each other? Will the DC benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents? If so, then I would facilitate this. It doesn't mean that you have to like them or vice versa. This is for the DC. But I'd also make it happen in a way that was convenient or useful for me eg babysitting to allow DH and I to go out for a meal.

BungleandGeorge · 28/01/2022 00:05

Their ex son in law was living with them before you wanted to live there? Perhaps they just didn’t feel they had room for another partner to be there full time? They let you stay a couple of times a week. And regarding the money their daughter was married so no point in trying to protect the money? Whereas in your case you weren’t married, you didn’t have much money, they wanted to protect the money? Obviously it’s turned out that you’ve become a stable relationship but that might not have happened?

whumpthereitis · 28/01/2022 00:12

You’re not better for having children, OP. Does SIL even want children? As far as I can see, in terms of winners and losers, she’s doing quite well tbh. She’s not trapped in an unhappy marriage, she’s got no ties to an ex husband in the shape of children, and she’s got a secure roof over her head. Good for her! You, on the other hand, are sat brooding over past slights. It’s not a great look.

Bideyinn · 28/01/2022 00:17

I get you OP, sounds awful. They are shits, and will reap what they sow

Pat123dev · 28/01/2022 00:28

I don't get it. Are you just ranting mainly?

ConsiderablyRicherThanYow · 28/01/2022 00:55

I don't think OP meant that she's better than SIL for having children. I think she means PIL had a perfect plan in their heads that golden DC would have GC or have GC first. Then PIL would get to thoroughly was their hands of OP and DH. But their plan didn't work out and they are having to keep knocking on OP's door for time with GC. I'm guessing having GC was/is very important for PIL.

They did bet on the wrong horse but it has made everyone suffer and that's really sad. They probably don't have the relationship they wanted with GC, SIL was enabled to rush into a marriage that failed, OP has felt like an outsider and her DH has felt second best.

BritMommyAbroad · 28/01/2022 01:04

This would piss me off too. But from what you’ve said, I doubt that saying something to them would achieve anything. I’ll never understand how parents can treat their children so differently. Maybe getting it off your chest will make you feel better but I doubt it will illicit anything sort of acknowledgements from the in-laws. Good luck OP.

Catflapkitkat · 28/01/2022 01:05

OP I think you are getting a bit of hard time on here. It must be hard seeing your DH overlooked and undervalued over the course of many, especially when the sister is clearly favoured.

In some families, characters are judged and set in stone pretty early on despite achievements later on. Is this what happened to your DH? Was your DH considered immature, or flakey/not good with money as the contract for the deposit was drawn up?

Has your DH ever asked them about it? What is your relationship like with your SIL?

Lots of people up thread has called you out for comparing. I think you are frustrated and saddened seeing your DH treated unfairly by his cold a snobbish parents, but it's now touching your children too. I think perhaps you need to pull away, your children don't need grandparents who treat them poorly - stop flogging a dead horse. You have many positives in your life, don't look to your in-laws for validation.

Good luck OP

Ozanj · 28/01/2022 01:16

Be careful before you get too comfortable. A cousin of mine adopted at 52 (she’s rich and divorced too) and when that happened her DPs changed the will and everything went to her and her kids, leaving her brother and his kids behind. Your sil is only the wrong horse until she has access to kids and that point whether they’re biologically hers or not they will probably still be higher on the totem pole than yours.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/01/2022 01:19

@JanuaryBluehoo - if they've already started playing the favourites game with your kids, then try and get your DH to agree to cutting them off entirely.
They don't get to fuck up another generation with their arseholery.

Rainbunny · 28/01/2022 01:27

Is it possible that they just don't like you very much? I'm not saying this to be mean and I'm absolutely not saying there is anything wrong with you! It's just that people can be very different and different personalities can rub each other the wrong way. Inlaw relationships are such a ripe discussion topic because of this fact! Add on to the fire the history that their own child has with them and the complicated family dynamics of that and it will colour how they view the life choices (including partner choices) their child, even as an adult makes.

I write this as someone married to the sibling of the golden child of his family. My DH's golden-child sibling married a man who was almost bred to be the perfect son-in-law to my PILs, which is not surprising as the golden-child has always strived to please her parents. My DH was left more to figure things out for himself and became more independent in thought (and religion which really pissed my PILs off). Then he married me and yes, I'm the opposite of everything his parents would have wished for him. The funny thing is, I don't care and my DH has made it abundantly clear he doesn't care what they think so my PIls are quite lovely towards us and mostly keep their judgements to themselves.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that when you genuinely don't care about their judgements and favouritism, and hold your head up high about your achievements as a family unit, they may naturally treat you better and if they don't, you won't care as it's their loss!

NataliaSerene · 28/01/2022 01:28

You are not childish, you are just really hurt.

Hope that you can recognize that they are just wrong to have treated you all this way and it’s not really good for anyone.

Try to be kind to yourself and let it go.

LAMPS1 · 28/01/2022 02:11

It may seem to you that, looking back all those years ago, your pils treated your ex-bill well simply because he was a banker. You can’t be sure about that though, maybe they really liked him and got on with him very well. Or maybe as you say, they were pleased that he was a good prospect for their daughter. Nothing wrong with that at all. At that point, they owed you nothing at all and yet they did extend their hospitality to you several times a week for several months when you were suddenly homeless.
It’s sad and wrong to count the cost of what they gave to their son in law all those years ago as compared to what they gave to you. It was their prerogative to share their wealth as they wished. And really none of your business. Of course, with the benefit of the passing of years, it may seem that they made judgements which didn’t turn out well but none of us have a crystal ball.
Be happy that you have a decent kind husband with whom to bring up a lovely family and make your own well-judged decisions. That’s your prerogative now just as it was theirs then. Concentrate on trying to do better than they did - learn by their mistakes if their mistakes still bother you.
You did well to get to this stage after such a difficult start yet you sound resentful nevertheless, and sadly, a little bit smug that you have more (in your eyes) than your sil.

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/01/2022 02:12

It sounds like this happened a long time ago. They didn't back any horse. They just have a closer relationship with their DD. That's allowed. They may have felt more protective of her or they may have felt your DH was more irresponsible. There can be lots of reasons for treating children and relationships differently.
You need to get over it. You didn't have any 'right' to be treated the same as SIL's bf. They didn't have to let you stay at all.

Buttermuffin · 28/01/2022 03:24

Revenge is living well. Let them get on with it OP and hold your head up.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2022 03:39

What you are saying is that karma has come back and bitten them in the bum but they don't seem to realise that yet.

Are you and DH going to enlighten them?

daisychain01 · 28/01/2022 04:17

It all sounds like a very toxic and unhappy family dynamic. If you keep churning away in your head how hard done-by you are, you'll never move forward and stay stuck in the past.

I'd get some counselling.

Here's the rule book that says life has to be "Fair".

Can't see it?

No, that's because no such rule book exists.

Life isn't always fair, so you just have to configure your life so you have control rather than thinking it's something you have to be given by someone else.

daisychain01 · 28/01/2022 04:22

@ShinyHappyPoster

It sounds like this happened a long time ago. They didn't back any horse. They just have a closer relationship with their DD. That's allowed. They may have felt more protective of her or they may have felt your DH was more irresponsible. There can be lots of reasons for treating children and relationships differently. You need to get over it. You didn't have any 'right' to be treated the same as SIL's bf. They didn't have to let you stay at all.
I agree @ShinyHappyPoster it sounds like there was a better relationship 'chemistry' between the PIL and their DD than their DS - stranger things have happened.

The fact the PIL extended hospitality to the OP for any days per week seems to have escaped the OP's attention - kinda "never let a good deed go unpunished" Grin

AlDanvers · 28/01/2022 04:48

This really does sound like you think yiu are better than sil and her exh because you have kids and are still married.

You say you know nothing about sils relationship. But do know he felt like a lodger. That suggests the deposit was ring fenced in some way. Its absolutely sensible if you are giving your kids a sizable anoint to have it protected.

You are being really bahue about how old you were, how long ago this was and what the trader was that found you homeless at such short notice.

You also say your own parents had problems with the relationship with your siblings, but describe your mum as the 'only'. Could it be that you were your mums golden child, so you expected them to treat you like a golden child too?

They didn't back any horses. They treated you differently. You aren't the the horse you should have back because you had kids. You aren't the horse they should have backed because you are, currently, still married.

You need to move on from them. Its not helping you and I am guessing they have a very different version of events. You aren't a better person, horse or relative because you have kids. Just concentrate on you, dh a dh your kids.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 28/01/2022 05:20

@coraka

I think I'm a little uncomfortable with access to GC being issued or withdrawn as a gift or punishment, or in response to perceived slights many years ago at the very beginning of the relationship.

I would put my DC and their interests first. Do the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents? Do they love each other? Will the DC benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents? If so, then I would facilitate this. It doesn't mean that you have to like them or vice versa. This is for the DC. But I'd also make it happen in a way that was convenient or useful for me eg babysitting to allow DH and I to go out for a meal.

^^ This. Absolutely This. I was going to say this when I got to the bottom of the thread.
AllTheColoursOfGerberas · 28/01/2022 05:30

They just probably don't like you
My Outlaws don't like me, I've given up trying to fit in after 33 years
They favour my SiL who can do no wrong, she's on her 4th marriage, we raised one of her children who now has NC with her, the rest are screwed up for life.
I was told that there's 'nothing in the will for you' which completely baffled me as it came out of nowhere and I don't expect anything
Just crack on with your life and stop thinking about the 'what ifs'
Don't use the GC as a bargaining tool, it doesn't make any difference if you have them and your SilL doesn't
If they're having such a negative impact then tell them how they're making you feel and go LC/NC
My MiL is a complete cunt, my FiL not so much but he panders and enables and I personally can't stand to watch it so I don't bother seeing them

SuPerDoPer · 28/01/2022 05:39

@coraka

I think I'm a little uncomfortable with access to GC being issued or withdrawn as a gift or punishment, or in response to perceived slights many years ago at the very beginning of the relationship.

I would put my DC and their interests first. Do the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents? Do they love each other? Will the DC benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents? If so, then I would facilitate this. It doesn't mean that you have to like them or vice versa. This is for the DC. But I'd also make it happen in a way that was convenient or useful for me eg babysitting to allow DH and I to go out for a meal.

I agree with this. Your children aren't pawns in your feud with PIL. Your children deserve a relationship with their grandparents if it benefits them. You may not like your PIL but your children are not a prize to be withdrawn, they are people in their own right and are not your property. The only decision you should make is about whether it would be beneficial to them to have this relationship. Leave your long standing bitterness out of it.
Cattitudes · 28/01/2022 06:12

When you do see them how do they treat your dc? Are your dc the same sex as each other? Do they favour one over the other? I don't think I would let them hive me and dh into another part of the house. It is the whole family or none of the family. With the dynamic you describe I would not trust them not to play favourites with my dc.