I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

[JanuaryBluehoo]

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

OP,was the champagne thread also you???????

It's very clear they value money over everything. They don't care if their children are happy - they care if they're wealthy.

They saw potential in SIL's ex and saw he could financially contribute whereas you were young and homeless and presumably a student at the time?

It's shit but it doesn't mean they backed the wrong horse.
Rightly or wrongly they just have different values and don't like you all that much.
You can't like everyone.

Are you happy in your life? Or are you angry that you didn't have things handed to you on a plate by them?

Your DC are teens now??

So this all happened many years ago and you’re still focusing on it? That’s why YABU - stop holding onto grudges of 15 (or whatever) years ago, and move forward. The only person you’re damaging is yourself.

Even less reason to see them if your children aren't keen.

Back away from the annoyance.

Oh well if your DC are teens now then they will make their own decisions very soon.
You have little to worry about on their score.

But I think you do have a future problem to consider - your ILs will doubtless have expectations that YOU and your DH will be the ones to help them out, look after them etc., because of course SIL is too important etc. blahblah.

Enjoy telling them that you can't do it.

If your DC are teens why on earth are you still giving this any headspace? I presumed they were small and this was a recent issue. You've been running some sort of mental tally as to what your PIL have been doing wrong for years. Let your DH deal with them if he wants to and get a hobby. This all sounds very exhausting.

[quote deerspotting]Are you the one who was making eyes at expensive champagne?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4227852-Fil-reluctant-to-serve-niether-myself-nor-dh-nice-champagne?pg=1[/quote]
That occurred to me too

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think some of the earlier posters are being v unfair on you. I get it. It hurts when people clearly have their favourites and I don't think for a second that YOU think you are superior to SIL just that you aren't inferior and by the warped standards your PIL seem to measure life you'd think you would come out 'on top', but yet nothing is good enough...

I think, given your DH is also on the same page, that you should just not bother with them anymore. Whether that needs a dramatic announcement of being NC or just going v LC I don't know. I doubt telling them how you feel will make any difference, so I'd just focus on what you have and know that they are in the wrong for how they've treated you and DH. People like that won't change and there's not point in trying IMO.

People are being rather unsupportive on this thread and pretending they don't see what the issue is - just ignore them OP

Well no. OP has approached her thread very peculiarly. She admits that her belief that they backed the wrong horse was based on SIL divorcing and having no children. What a vile approach, as though someone’s worth is based on their marital status and on whether they have children.

That’s why OP is getting a hard time.

She also seems obsessed that SIL’s husband was treated better because he was a banker, and there’s no evidence of that at all. Maybe they simply didn’t like OP?

She’s also bitter about the deposit, despite their approach making perfect financial sense and OP only having one version of events (doesn’t add that SIL’s husband was annoyed at being treated like a lodger in their marital home if it was a joint gift).

So yes, whilst OP is understandably upset at her in laws, her own attitude is clearly part of the problem.

This is basically that they treat their children different and having children and staying married hasn't improved the status of the perceived disadvantaged one.
Not uncommon story and you will exhaust yourself trying to work it all out and not be able to change anything.
Do you have any idea why. There are often dynamics in families that happen before you meet your partner that lay down the relationship for life and outsiders never fully understand.
Anyway, you're not going to change it so distance yourself, try not to feel resentment and focus on positive aspects of your life like your children.

[quote deerspotting]Are you the one who was making eyes at expensive champagne?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4227852-Fil-reluctant-to-serve-niether-myself-nor-dh-nice-champagne?pg=1[/quote]
If this is in fact the same poster as the ‘making eyes at the PILs’ expensive champagne’ thread — and many of the details fit —. it illuminates a fair few things about the OP’s psyche, especially a tendency to fixate on small or long-past things other people have done, which she takes as personal slights, without considering at all whether her own/her DH’s behaviour may have contributed to the dynamic. What is due to her as the producer of the PILs only grandchildren comes up a lot, as do continual comparisons with the favoured SIL (and BIL), and her own family’s humble, ‘mucking in’ ways and enthusiastic reception of her DH, versus the formal, distant behaviour of her PILs towards her. Both OPs have intermittently odd turns of phrase, too, which were remarked on by posters.

If it’s the same person, I’d hazard a guess that the formal, rather frosty PILs are socially and financially a cut above the OP’s family, have never quite stopped seeing her as the homeless new girlfriend who slept on their couch, weren’t keen on their less favoured son ‘marrying down’, and the dynamic has continued from there and doesn’t make anyone happy.

The thing is, if OP truly believes …or questions if her pils backed the wrong horse then it follows that she herself feels herself to now be in a superior position. So instead of constantly wanting that position validated in this picky sort of a way, why not just spread the love and wisdom and peace that the lofty position affords her.
We all come from different roots OP and we all try to make and live our best lives if we are sensible no matter what humble or grand beginnings we came from.
Whatever your markers are for having achieved success, it’s clear you think you have got there so that’s brilliant. Congratulations. But now do yourself a favour and forget about past slights because in fact those old niggly feelings that you were second rate in those days probably helped motivate you to get where you are. You don’t need those niggly feelings any more now they aren’t useful. Take that final step as a successful adult and let them go.

This. Your oh so perfect family not willing to house you but your ils not only housed you part of the week but gave their son a generous deposit so you could get on the property ladder

So your SIL and her DH (or BF, you keep going back and forward) were staying with your PIL to save and possibly paying rent. Your DH moved in with you and your DM, were either of you working or paying rent at the time? Then your DH moves back in with his parents and they wont let you stay there rent free?

@JanuaryBluehoo

Lobellia

Yes good points.
Also my dh on the other hand was warmly welcomed into my family....stayed over, meals, taken out for dinner etc. No one batted an eyelid.

But your siblings don't feel the same about your parents that you do, do they? Does that show you that families are complex and not everyone has the exact same relationship with their family as eachother?

You don't eat to share the event that happened that left you homeless. Or what age you were, what age sil was. Or any detail. Which leads me to believe you know there was valid reasons why they said no.

They gave your dh a good deposit for a house which you now share with him and your kids.

If you are the poster from the champagne thread, I can understand why they may not have invited you to things.

You said 'they invested on Bil more, but is US that have kids'. So you do believe that you having kids means you should be elevated. It's odd because it like you believe having kids should gain you some sort of or elevated you

I don’t really understand your mind set. It’s like yoire almost gloating that your sil marriage failed and she doesn’t have kids and you do, like the children are a trophy. None of this makes you a better person.

You need to try to come to terms with your homeless situation, and move on. Nor sit planning revenge and gloating about how you’ve done better it’s awful

If it’s the same person, I’d hazard a guess that the formal, rather frosty PILs are socially and financially a cut above the OP’s family, have never quite stopped seeing her as the homeless new girlfriend who slept on their couch, weren’t keen on their less favoured son ‘marrying down’, and the dynamic has continued from there and doesn’t make anyone happy.

I am really sorry OP to sounds harsh, and it's at best rude and worst abusive to wholly reject your child's spouse for this, but if you are Champagne Woman then they just decided you aren't good enough for shallow and or economic reasons. Hence shooing you off early at family events. With people like this it can be anything. Being divorced, already having a child, having tattoos, being overweight, a strong local accent, living on a council estate, not going to uni, or simply wanting to scapegoat the DH's choice of spouse. They don't like you and you must be able to see, if you dig down, what their horrible snobbery is based on.

The thing is, if OP truly believes …or questions if her pils backed the wrong horse then it follows that she herself feels herself to now be in a superior position

I asked OP if that’s what she was saying, that because SIL got divorced and doesn’t have children, that makes her lesser and OP has won.

OP said yes.

So I suspect there’s a lot more of a backstory of OP’s behaviour when you take into account her mindset.

What's with both you and SIL meeting men that immediately need to move in to your parents home with you??

Firstly, & seriously , I'm sorry about whatever tragedy you had to experience, & of course that it caused you to endure a period of homelessness.

Secondly, & less seriously ...
Maybe if you stop viewing your close relations as pets it might help.
It seems that you feel entitled to know private & financial business of the pets you disapprove of or don't like, & feel you have to basically pet-sit the ones you do:
I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home
You make him sound like you found him in a rescue kennel!

He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.
As it should be.
Your BiL & PiL's accommodation arrangements & whether BiL paid rent is none of your business.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK
Fucksake. Again with the petsitting mindset.
Maybe she married him because she ... you know ... WANTED to?

and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time
So your PiL's were startlingly generous & scrupulously fair?

but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.
I guess nothing of the sort.
I guess that they might have liked to do exactly the same for SiL - but there was no point, as she was marrying her guy, so even legally documenting any protection for her was no longer viable, as upon marriage it became shared money anyway.

But it all came out in the wash, as DH married you, so you now enjoy exactly the same advantage & privilege as SiL & BiL on this non-issue.
PiL would have known that before giving away the money. So they've hardly mistreated you on this, have they?

Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses!
It is. It's sad, & it must have felt horrible to be treated differently & felt disapproved of. But it's been years, & it's time for you to drop this rope because the only person you are hurting by gripping on to it so hard is yourself.

PiLs haven't backed the wrong horse.
The horse is still obsessing over the wrong rider.

Chuck that rider off your back OP.
Your MiL sneers at your degree? So what! maybe she doesn't have one, & feels insecure. Maybe she's just a bitch. Maybe she's got you all wrong & doesn't know how to say sorry. Who cares? You don't like PiLs, they favour DH's sister - let them get on with it.

You've made your own family. Drop the rope! - stop trying to make PiLs give you the attention & favour you wished for from them. It's not happening, & obsessing over it isn't going to change them.

I agree it's unfair.
I'm just puzzled as to why you are still chasing a rainbow, when you could be putting all that energy into people who actually give a shit about you.
Stop licking this old, old, wound. It won't heal until you leave it alone.

@JanuaryBluehoo

We have defiantly tried over the year's re grandchildren seeing them but they make it so hard and dc are not keen on them.

So why keep pushing for something even the kids don't want?

You seem to be equating the "feat" of presenting GC to the PiL's with an expectation of ramping up your relative status compared with BiL & SiL "feat" of having high-level careers.

Your kids are not status symbols.
You don't need to GAF about your BiL & SiL's status/money/jobs/position as family favourites.
PP said your DC are teens now? So just ... I cannot stress this enough ... STOP TRYING.
You don't like these inlaws much, so just stop chasing them. What's the point? Does it ever make you feel good? No? SO STOP!!!

Trunk toes it happened about ten months after meeting dh.

January - this is getting deranged.
I would not expose a large chunk of money that I was giving my child to the (possible) predations of a partner of TEN MONTHS.

That would have no bearing on how much I liked or disliked the new partner. And every bearing on not getting put into an institution for the terminally financially stupid.

If I then learned that the partner-of-10 months was pissed off about me protecting my own child & my own money because they felt entitled to access it, I would hold a deep & abiding mistrust of them.
I would feel that they were way more interested in my money than in my child. The entitlement would seriously distress me, & I would be unhappy about my child falling for someone so ... appropriative.

Op can't let this go because she has a belief that as the mother of the only grandchdren, she deserves special status.

The champagne thread is definitely the same OP. And her and her dh behaviour there show why, her pills probably exclude them and dont get on with her.

And again, she has to mention that she is the mother of their only grandchildren.

She has an ingrained belief that she is owed something. She isn't getting it. So can't let go.

I think part of it, is that she has also (almost) deified her mother in this situation. Easy done. And presumes that if only pil were like her mother, she would be revered. There's a chance (working on the assumption ops mum passed) she is still struggling with the loss of her mum.

However, ops owns siblings clearly don't agree their mother was this amazing person op does. Op may just not be able to grasp that she was the golden child in her family and can't accept this sint her position in this one.

Its all so complex with PIL being the target of ops mental struggle.

But she definitely won't let it go.

Wowsers @AlDanvers that is so sharply observed you'd better not cut yourself. (genuine, not snark)

Sorry OP, I should not talk about you as if you are not here.
Are any of the observations you are getting helpful, in that you feel you can start 'dropping the rope' & focus only on your own family?

Never mind all the PIL pressure to see GC you talk about. You don't need to engage in it. At all. Hand the responsibility back to DH.

I know exactly what you mean.

My parents would never give me a house key, never looked after my dog, never let me in on certain family situations, made sure I paid every penny back I lent from them. Absolutely fine if they hadn't treated other family members the exact opposite!

Yet, I was the one going to the hospital every night when DF was ill. I was the one taking him to and from chemo. But I had no say in the funeral arrangements, the speech, any of it. Another sibling was turned away when they went to visit DF in hospice!

I think the fact I wasn't married and didn't earn big bucks meant that I wasn't privvy to what other family members were.

It's all Show and Tell.