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AIBU?

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Original poster

I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

158 replies

JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 21:24

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

OP posts:
InvalidCrumb · 27/01/2022 22:10

Having kids doesn't make you better than your SIL.

trunktoes · 27/01/2022 22:11

Why were you sleeping on peoples sofas when you have a husband and children? Where we they? It's all a bit strange

CurrantAffair · 27/01/2022 22:11

Tbh, with the deposit, sils situation was different because she was married at the time, whereas you and your future DH were not. So I think the contract excluding you made some sense there.

Apart from that, they sound like they are closer to SIL than your DH, which is sad, but doesn't sound like they have done anything overtly terrible or that they are awful people.

In the nicest way possible though op, you do sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, which you would be better off releasing. Because even if they are awful people, nothing you do can change their behaviour, you can just change how you react to it yourself.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:12

They treated dh as less. They treated me as less but revered sils dh.

They could have said I could stay like sils bf but it was made clear I wasn't that welcome. At that time I was literally homeless and desperate. So I was grateful for any help but looking back I realised hang on....sils bf was living there full time and I was having to ask dh was every week.

It went on for about three months until I rented a room.

Sils bf was there for at least a year until pil gave them a deposit

OP posts:
Onthefloor2 · 27/01/2022 22:13

The op is not saying she is better for having kids or not being divorced, she’s saying that because the sister was treated like the golden child, they are now missing out on their grandchildren and their son. Doesn’t matter what way you look at it, the son has children and the daughter doesn’t, so whilst that doesn’t make him better, it does mean presently he is the only one with their grandchildren.

They treated you like shit, I wouldn’t say they backed the wrong horse with just your sil over your husband, they also backed the wrong horse with her guy over you. They sound like snobs if I’m honest and shouldn’t have treated you the way they have.

If they treated their children equally they wouldn’t have this problem!

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:14
  • which is fine...I don't expect everyone to like me but I can't help feel now are have dc...They expect to see them more but neither of us particularly want to spend anytime with then
OP posts:
Youngstreet · 27/01/2022 22:17

It's your choice op.
If you and your dh don't want a relationship with his dp's then don't.
They had the chance to parent equally and didn't, they can't expect to be accepted as gp's if they treat their gc's parents badly.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:18

Yes, @Onthefloor2

Dh is fine without them tbh but they harranged him etc and try and make him feel guilty. Even when before covid we went there they would get sil and D.C. in one corner of the room and ignore dh and I in the other .Then fil constantly says come over!!

OP posts:
NYnewstart · 27/01/2022 22:19

A lot of posters have got completely the wrong end of the stick.

I’d feel the same as you op.

Definite golden child/scapegoat situation.

VodselForDinner · 27/01/2022 22:21

Congratulations, OP, you won. What a silly SIL you had, marrying a man she’d later divorce. The fool!! If only she was as smart and clever and amazing as you!!

You’re amazing OP. AMAZING.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:23

Current as her husband he would have potentially had more than me as then a mere gf
Legally I had less rights not more than sils dh but they again treated US differently!!

Trunk toes it happened about ten months after meeting dh. He was then my bf. But the timing was coincidental as sil met her btw just before

OP posts:
HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 27/01/2022 22:24

I understand what you mean too. You and your family would have had a lot of love and care to share with them had you had any love shown to you.

Posting because it put me in mind of the very uneven situation my mother found herself in, middle child with both her brothers heavily favoured. Her younger brother was also a banker, and responsibility for his mother's affairs was happily handed over. Not handled well at all and when she died there was a lot to untangle. Very mixed up family dynamics all along.

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:29

@VodselForDinner

What have I won?

I was homeless and desperate sleeping on people's sofas and asking permission each week to stay with dh in an extremely large and spacious house .I was in absolute crisis.

Yet sils bf was just living there?

My one family had happily housed fed entertained dh with far fewer resources
..so it wasn't a totally loaded deficit when pils then housed me ..for a few nights a week for three months.

OP posts:
CovidForChristmas · 27/01/2022 22:31

You sound very bitter.

Letting go of resentment like this is incredibly liberating.

Hshuznw · 27/01/2022 22:33

Backed the wrong horse? Because SIL got divorced and doesn’t have children? So that makes her lesser and you guys have won?

Well don’t you sound a peach!

Lolamento · 27/01/2022 22:33

May be they did not like you to marry their son? Who knows but I think the fact that you are still concern about this is a bit unhealthy for you. Move on and be grateful you have a family.

Georgeskitchen · 27/01/2022 22:33

Your PIL sound horrible and not the kind of people I would want in my DCs lives

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:34

Covid I do feel very bitter ...i forget about them ...then they start to pressure dh.

OP posts:
Hshuznw · 27/01/2022 22:34

@VodselForDinner

Congratulations, OP, you won. What a silly SIL you had, marrying a man she’d later divorce. The fool!! If only she was as smart and clever and amazing as you!!

You’re amazing OP. AMAZING.

This! So amazing!

Well done on still being married OP! Bravo!

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:41

They invested so much in the relationship with bil and zilch with me.
Bil was extremely important for them because he had a good career. But he didn't contribute when sil brought her first house .
They were given the deposit no strings attached.

I offered to top up dh and was turned down and even through I was only a gf he had to sign legal stuff.

OP posts:
Tsuni · 27/01/2022 22:41

You’ve worded this very strangely.

MrsTimRiggins · 27/01/2022 22:42

@Hshuznw

Backed the wrong horse? Because SIL got divorced and doesn’t have children? So that makes her lesser and you guys have won?

Well don’t you sound a peach!

Honestly this. You dwelling on things that happened in the dim and distant past is so unhealthy. Choose to not see your PIL, by all means, it sounds as though that would benefit you, but the hold this toxic past has on you isn’t something I’d be giving headspace to.
Toomuch2do · 27/01/2022 22:43

But they did treat their DC equally in giving them both deposits. You are presumably benefiting from that now?

Original poster
JanuaryBluehoo · 27/01/2022 22:44

Well hsh yes!!
Thankfully unlike sil with her dh my husband never treated me like a lodger!! Paying him rent. And we ddint marry under pressure to keep me here .

Who knows what will happen in future?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 27/01/2022 22:44

@JanuaryBluehoo

* which is fine...I don't expect everyone to like me but I can't help feel now are have dc...They expect to see them more but neither of us particularly want to spend anytime with then
Then don't spend any time with them. It's not mandatory. You have two DCs - imagine how you'd feel if the ILs decided that one of them was their golden DGC and the other was the scapegoat?

I don't think you worded your opening post (or thread title) very well, but your explanations have made it clearer. What you mean is that they were very unfair in their treatment of you and DH compared to SIL and her husband and it rankles.

I hope you didn't mean that you feel you are morally superior to SIL just because you have children and are still married.