I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

[JanuaryBluehoo]

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

Please ignore the nasty comments. I get it. You’re not saying you’re better at all, rather that they invested time, energy and love in their daughter. Then when she met this man, they thought they had the perfect set up with sil and her ex and treated you both as expendable.

It sounds as though they perceived the exh as ‘one of us’, a safe bet but he wasn’t. He sounds opportunistic, shallow and rather similar to them really. It is hardly surprising that they saw him as one of them really, isn’t it? Nor is it surprising that they divorced as the relationship seems to have been heavily encouraged by the pils rather than leaving your sil to choose. I would wonder if he used your sil and her family to gain a British passport.

As for you, it sounds as though you didn’t fit in as you’re not wealthy enough and thus were treated with suspicion, perhaps even contempt and they couldn’t get over their own bias when you found yourself homeless. I’m presuming your mum died. If this is the case and they didn’t take help you out after all they did for the Sil’s partner, it’s beyond disgusting.

I think you would do well to get some therapy and reframe this in your mind. I am the scapegoat. My brother also has a good job, always revered as such a great man, whereas I was down trodden, abused and am now disabled and too ill to work. My mother and brother are both very transactional and he was so competitive; he used to secretly track all my finances until he boastingly told me and that stopped. He is also vile and violent to me and I am nc for my physical protection.

The wider picture you’re not thinking about is that your dh got to meet your mum and she gave him the love and care he needed even if it was for a fleeting time. Nourish your family and your kids in the love you all shared and step away from them and the drama. By being so upset, you are allowing them to continue to abuse them both. None of you need them in your lives, especially not playing happy families with the kids and sil, pretending you both don’t exist. The kids will possibly love the attention when little. But you have to protect them to ensure they aren’t damaged by it.

@januaryBluehoo. I am so sorry for you OP for whatever the tragedy you suffered was. Do you feel able to able to share that with us? Because if it was the reason why you suddenly became homeless, and why you haven't mentioned your DM since that obviously awful time, then I presume that the likelyhood is that your poor DM died suddenly? If that is correct, then that probably goes a long way to explaining your whole mental state at the moment - which sadly, but unsurprisingly, does not seem very good. You may benefit from some Counselling OP to help you deal with your most pressing issues.

The fact that your DH was your Dbf before the tragedy, and that he was welcomed at your family home, but then after the tragedy your Dbf's mum did not welcome you into her big house, and house you temporarily, does sound very cruel of her. However, without knowing any of these details for certain, it is hard for anyone to know what to suggest to you about what could be in you and your family's best interest.

I just don't think it can be healthy for you to keep on dwelling on what appear to be past wrongs commited by your DH's parents, and if you had Counselling they might be able to advice you on your likely best course of action going forward. I do wonder if you could have a mediated meeting between you, your DH, your PiLs and your SiL, and if everyones feelings could be thrashed out reasonably calmly and honestly, then perhaps misconceptions about each other, and the real reasons why certain decisions were made, could be voiced, which could hopefully lead to a far better understanding between all of you. If nothing else it might help to give you clarity on which actions to take next. Good luck OP 💐

Look, OP, as pps have said, has it never occurred to you that the reason your PILS only let you sleep on the sofa a few nights a week was because they already had their daughter’s boyfriend living in FT, and didn’t want to be running a free hotel for their offsprings’ squeezes? And that in the circumstances it was actually pretty generous of them to put you up? And that they didn’t protect the deposit given to your SIL and her husband precisely because they were married so there wasn’t a lot of point, whereas you were unmarried at the point of your boyfriend being given the deposit , clearly very poor, and actually homeless?

I don't blame you for feeling angry at your in-laws.

I do blame you, very much, for thinking that you've won a prize by staying married and having kids. Congrats?

I think you need to sort out these feelings. If your sense of worth comes from having kids...reevaluate your life.

Your PILs sound like shits. But you don't shine by saying you won by having a successful marriage, up to this point, and having a couple kids.

I mean, I'm happy for you. But it's not actually an accomplishment, above and beyond everyday life.

So, if they're decent grandparents, give them a way to be with their grandchildren. And try to let go of some of the toxicity of feeling left behind. Because when push came to shove, they offered you a place to stay, and offered your husband a deposit, none of which was earned, only gifted.

I am so sorry for you OP for whatever the tragedy you suffered was. Do you feel able to able to share that with us? Because if it was the reason why you suddenly became homeless, and why you haven't mentioned your DM since that obviously awful time, then I presume that the likelyhood is that your poor DM died suddenly? If that is correct, then that probably goes a long way to explaining your whole mental state at the moment

I think this is spot on. Your in-laws may be shitty people who treat their children unfairly, but honestly what else, other than a few nights a week, would you have expected from them if that's the case? They don't have the personalities to swoop in and look after someone, especially when they seemingly took against you from the beginning because they're snobs.

Also agreeing that a deposit is more likely to be protected if you're unmarried and buying a place with a gift. Most people think not married = more likely to split up, and if you are married it's all one big pot.

They invested so much in the relationship with bil and zilch with me.

How do any of us really know? Maybe you were unlikable for some reason? Maybe the BIL was likeable?

I have adult kids who live at home (some at uni and those working are saving for deposits), and tbh some of their girlfriends/boyfriends/friends have been likeable and some have not. Some I have gotten in well with and some are a complete fucking chore to be around, not necessarily anything they do wrong as such but even personality. When it’s your home you want to be comfortable with the people in it. They have some friends where, if tragedy befell, I would offer a room and my house for as long as was needed. They have had some girlfriends/boyfriends where I would have rather paid for a hotel for them for 3 months rather than have them in my house for one night, because I just didn’t find them likeable and wasn’t comfortable with them. Mail be, for whatever reason, and you not doing anything wrong as such, they just didn’t find you likeable?

Similarly we don’t know what your DHs background was with his parents before he met you. Maybe he was bad with $ for a period when younger which made them cautious. Maybe he had a previous girlfriend who he allowed himself to be manipulated $ wise and they were cautious? Maybe none of this stuff and maybe you don’t even know if before your time. It’s all really too difficult to comment without having the in-laws version of why things were as they were.

If they make you both so miserable why don't you just cut off contact with them? Tell them how you really feel about being treated like second class and you don't want a relationship with them.

I'm sorry. I'm lost like Gilligan. Do you want to wreak revenge on your IL's? Are you just sharing? WHy were you sleeping on friends sofas when you were with your DH ( sorry if you have answered that I gave up rtft )

You sound obsessed with this, it's not healthy
Let it go , its not your problem

People are being rather unsupportive on this thread and pretending they don't see what the issue is - just ignore them OP. Your feelings are valid. You were vulnerable and looking for their approval and acceptance as a young person and they rejected you and made you feel like you were lesser in some way, and it was all the more keenly felt because it played out side by side with the more preferential treatment they gave SIL's partner. That is hurtful and cuts deep to a really vulnerable place. We're all human beings and we all long to be accepted and loved by the people we choose as family, especially if we've lost our own.

Fast forward to today, despite being shut out, evidently you and DH are happy and have a long term successful relationship, where you've built a home and had children, creating a happy family of your own. So yes, looking at it all on paper definately the in laws misjudged everything and made you feel unwanted / like an imposter when time has proven that you were the real thing and have become a long term fixture in their lives. I would honestly take that as a huge win and a reflection on how lovely you are and how successful and happy your life is, and let the hurts of the past go. Your inlaws will never see or acknowledge their unfair treatment, so it only burns you to dwell on it. Stay happy and positive, you dont actually need their approval, you are and always have been 'good enough', whatever arbitrary things they use to measure that.

I don't know where feelings of superiority have come from re sil childless. For years I have been hoping sil would have dc to take the pressure off US.
I can't say anymore really...both sil and dh met someone at the same time and they treated US very differently to the point of making it clear we were not welcome when family friends visited etc.

Yes we were totally expendable to them before we had children.
But what they expect the way they talk to us is incredibly entitled. I personally don't think I could treat my D.C. as they do and yet expect anything to be rosey!!!

That's my point. Maybe I won't like one of my dc and their partner. Maybe I will treat them differently, make my displeasure known. However I wouldn't then expect a relationship with any of them.

Lobellia

Yes good points.
Also my dh on the other hand was warmly welcomed into my family....stayed over, meals, taken out for dinner etc. No one batted an eyelid.

Your last paragraph sounds vile about your sil the whole I gave them grandchildren, you don't know the circumstances in which she didn't have children that comment alone suggests to Mr there's an element of rivalry and it doesn't come across like your very pleasant I suspect there's alot more to the situation you described. Tbh I wouldn't want my children's partner living with me as I feel they would be invading my personal space sounds like they made an expection for sil dp because he was abroad but then they didn't want another partner moving in I can't say I blame them on that.

You are giving these people far more emotional energy than you should OP.
Other people often have their own reasons for doing what they do. Just because we don't know or cannot understand those motivations doesn't make them wrong.
The secret is to change your life so they affect it to the most minimal degree possible.
I have family that have done appalling things. I have nothing at all to do with them and feel better for taking that control back. I suspect if you took a similar level of control, you would feel less 'childish' (your word) and life would feel more comfortable.

Are you the one who was making eyes at expensive champagne?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4227852-Fil-reluctant-to-serve-niether-myself-nor-dh-nice-champagne?pg=1

@Nancydrawn

I don't blame you for feeling angry at your in-laws.

I do blame you, very much, for thinking that you've won a prize by staying married and having kids. Congrats?

I think you need to sort out these feelings. If your sense of worth comes from having kids...reevaluate your life.

Your PILs sound like shits. But you don't shine by saying you won by having a successful marriage, up to this point, and having a couple kids.

I mean, I'm happy for you. But it's not actually an accomplishment, above and beyond everyday life.

So, if they're decent grandparents, give them a way to be with their grandchildren. And try to let go of some of the toxicity of feeling left behind. Because when push came to shove, they offered you a place to stay, and offered your husband a deposit, none of which was earned, only gifted.

This Op.

Am afraid if you don't sort your deep resentment (justified or not) you will end up a version of them. That's what bitterness does. Plus they are living rent free in your head when you couldn't live freely in their home.

It's not about you.
Your husband is the scapegoat and his sister the golden child.

How the parents treat their children's partners is simply an extension of that

They'll never treat you fairly. If it was me, I'd walk away and leave their golden child to have them all to herself.

@JanuaryBluehoo

Yes Billy.

Before gc they cut US out of dinners with family friend, sil and bil invited,made clear us must leave.

If we bumped into them out and about they shoot off. Any family gathering trying to get US to leave etc!!

They have clearly been both disinterested and extremely dismissive pre children OP and now are so entitled they feel they can dictate relations now that you have children.

Why are you allowing this?
Why is your husband?

Don't be bullied.

Block their number if you wish or simply stop answering them.

Tell the No on a loop, we are busy, we are not free, we have plans.

Make it clear that you have busy lives and are not available.

If you do visit them, keep it super brief and don't allow them to remove your children to another room.

I can 100% understand your annoyance towards them, but you sound very passive in allowing them to continue to treat you badly.

Be busy and unavailable to them.

They don't sound like nice people and they certainly don't sound like people I would want around my children causing me upset.

You don't owe them access to your life and your children just because they want it.

Move on with your life.
Move on from them and their unkind treatment of you.
It is hugely understandable that their treatment of you was humiliating.
They were not kind.
It has obviously really stung over the years and hurt you both.

The best way to move on is to be very low contact.

You really don't owe them a relationship where they continue to bring you grief.

Enjoy your family and move on from this.

Sounds like your DH is tie black sheep and your PIL are very materialistic and all about ‘status’ as related to jobs, money, possessions etc. Trouble is, so are you by playing into this drama by placing yourself in competition with the others and talking about backing horses. No it’s not very kind that they welcomed one person with open arms and apparently suffered you and their son. But l, as long as you keep engaging with it and thinking you are in competition the longer you play your part in this childish game of favourites.

Echo what Lobelia123 says. Your feelings are valid but you can't undo the past. Don't give them the headspace. Focus on your future with your own family.

[quote deerspotting]Are you the one who was making eyes at expensive champagne?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4227852-Fil-reluctant-to-serve-niether-myself-nor-dh-nice-champagne?pg=1[/quote]
That connection had occurred to me, too. I loved that thread, it was so entertainingly demented.

@JanuaryBluehoo

Lobellia

Yes good points.
Also my dh on the other hand was warmly welcomed into my family....stayed over, meals, taken out for dinner etc. No one batted an eyelid.

Where were they when you were sofa surfing?

Time to get on with your life and forget about them, it is really bad when parents favour one grown up child over another and obviously will cause bad feeling.

I agree with others and you do sound superior as you are still married and have children, that is not good as everyone’s circumstances can change.

Billy I think that is what rankles now, how passive I was back then innocently trying to fit in, get on with them and now my own dc are teens I have a totally different perspective and I do think why was I so passive!!.

We have defiantly tried over the year's re grandchildren seeing them but they make it so hard and dc are not keen on them.