I feel childish but want to tell PILS they backed the wrong horse?

[JanuaryBluehoo]

I feel like a petulant child writing this but, its true. When I first met DH about 16 years ago - sil had also started to date someone. He moved into pils large house quite quickly as he was from a different country working in banking and was saving money, I dont know if he paid rent at all.

I met DH and DH stayed a lot with me and my DM in a really small cramped cottage and she never batted an eye, happily fed him etc he was quite miserable when I first met him and her attitude to life, the way she was and I really helped him. it was no big deal at all to use to house him, take him to dinner, feed him at home,...very much muck in sitation.

After about 10 months I had an awful tradgey happen and ended up living on peoples sofas. One lot of people was pils. About two or three nights a week I asked persmission or he did for me to stay over. It was made clear that was all I was allowed. whether that was MIl or fil I was never sure.
At the time and I still am to a degree extremely grateful they let me stay. But they treated me and sils partner then husband very differently. So at this time I was moving from place to place a few nights a week with a bag, essentially homeless and sils BF was staying there full time.

Then sil married him to keep him in the UK and pils gave her a deposit to buy a flat. They just gave it to her with no strings or contracts. They did the same for Dh my Bf at the time but he had to have a contract drawn up, I was not allowed to contribute and it had to be done legally I guess to protect him from me.

Yet sils BF /husband had no such protections? (Apparently her DH essentially being her lodger was the cause of huge arguments and they divorced after a few years. )

DH and I are still together but I always feel like they treat me like I am shifty.

They have always treated SIl differently from dh. like they dont trust dh with a house key but sil has one, sil treats pils like ahome from home and yet dh is closey montired by mil and cant move freely around the house.
Sil never ended up having dc but we do, and we dont really want to see pils, dh doesnt feel comfortable around them, etc etc. They have been rude about our house , mil has cried over our house whilst saying what sil can afford, said my degree is useless etc.
Its sad for me that we dont have a great relatinship with them, they are not good with the dc and sometimes i want to scream...you backed the wrong horses! They gave everything to sil and her then partner whilst treating me like a tramp. NOw ai am the mother of the grandchildren - they have done many things in betweeen. No one ever mentioned sils ex - or even that they divorced no one told DH I just noticed her wedding ring missing once. I wouldnt be ableto say he was a nice person in any way - he was a banker though and they hold that in high regard.

@AlDanvers

Op can't let this go because she has a belief that as the mother of the only grandchdren, she deserves special status.

The champagne thread is definitely the same OP. And her and her dh behaviour there show why, her pills probably exclude them and dont get on with her.

And again, she has to mention that she is the mother of their only grandchildren.

She has an ingrained belief that she is owed something. She isn't getting it. So can't let go.

I think part of it, is that she has also (almost) deified her mother in this situation. Easy done. And presumes that if only pil were like her mother, she would be revered. There's a chance (working on the assumption ops mum passed) she is still struggling with the loss of her mum.

However, ops owns siblings clearly don't agree their mother was this amazing person op does. Op may just not be able to grasp that she was the golden child in her family and can't accept this sint her position in this one.

Its all so complex with PIL being the target of ops mental struggle.

But she definitely won't let it go.

What a well written post. You’ve explained it better than many of us!

There is definitely much more of a back story to OP’s relationship with the in laws, but either she is oblivious to it or she knows it won’t help with the support on this thread, so she has deliberately withheld.

Thanks @ChargingBuck and @Hshuznw.

Unfortunately, I am not particularly sharp. My Mum, who was amazing but also had mental health problems died 8 weeks ago. She was lovely. Especially as she got older and found treatment that worked. and was an amazing Nana to my kids. However some of my childhood and teens years were very dark times. I know the temptation to believe she was a Saint. When other people have done things, a thought flashes that 'Mum would have done XYZ'. The XYZ usually makes mum to be a perfect person who handled every situation with perfect manners and grace.

But I remind myself that remembering that I loved and adored her despite her not being perfect, honours her more than remembering some fake version. She loved me and I loved her.

From what I understand from looking into it, it's fairly common and can often cause problems in other relationships that are similar. Ie parental relationships, in Ops case.

@AlDanvers

@AlDanvers, I am so sorry for your recent loss. It knocks the stuffing out of you, doesn’t it?

Thank you @ChargingBuck and @Doomscrolling.

Yes. I missed Mum and the person I used to be. I am ok, though. As ok, as you can be. I am surviving. That's all I really can do. Atm.

After reading this thread, I just read the champagne thread. What on Earth?

I'd really, really like to hear the PiL's POV on this. But since the PiLs have no idea (I assume) that she's posting about them, my curiosity will go unresolved.

Do you have a link to the champagne thread AcrossthePond55?

Do you have a link to the champagne thread AcrossthePond55?

Scrub that. I’ve got it. 👍