To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

I agree with purple pine one, gf has lost her pair. Regardless, you’d think she’d be able to have the compassion to loan them and give your dd the benefit of the doubt. I would in her place.

@PurplePinecone

Did they both put their pairs in the washing machine? Or was it only your daughter and the gf thought she had put hers in? If only one pair came out and only your daughter remembers putting them in, then it's your daughter's pair that she's taken thinking they are hers

Not necessarily, they could have got mixed up at an earlier point.

Honestly? Living with an autistic person is hard and in cases like this family has to compromise.
Doesn’t matter whose they are. If the GF is treated like family she should behave like family and sell them to you.

People are missing the part where you’re not just asking her to hand them over - she’ll be compensated!

If GF can’t cope with all of this she’s very welcome to move out and pay the market rate of rent.

@Pumpkinpatch22

This is a no brainer to me. Sorry to the gf but she needs to let your dd have them imo. I have worked with children with autism for many years and think it will cause your dd far more problems to be without them than the gf. Get a permanent marker and mark the label so this cannot happen again.

You cannot expect someone to hand over something that is theirs that cost them £35 just because you perceive someone else's need to be greater.

And there's no way of knowing they aren't hers.

Also how old is everyone involved?

If they’re ALL adults something is seriously wrong if you’ve got at least 4 working and can’t even spend £40 until payday. Time to make them financially step up.

@aSofaNearYou the OP never said she wanted them handed over. She’s going to pay the GF. Or get her a replacement.

Why so biased against the GF? She owns the same pair, it's not surprising she thought they were hers, and they may well be.
She didn’t wash the ones that were drying though - the OP saw her daughter take them off and put them in the washer. The girlfriend then took an item she hadn't washed.

And what's the logic behind GF paying more rent than the other two?
Because the other two are the OP’s children and the girlfriend isn’t🤔
(as said, I assume a nominal amount rather than full rent)

Personally I think the GF should hand them over, particularly as she’s living in your Home.

I would’ve hated the idea of my brothers girlfriend moving in and doing stuff like this

Seems like it's not "really" GF's home if she can't even keep hold of her own possessions like her personal clothing there, without being expected to give them up to appease DD.

As for the washing, aside from not conferring ownership, based on this information it can't even be assumed GF knew it was the same pair DD had been wearing (which doesn't say anything about actual ownership). People living together as a family usually just have a washing basket and the wash is mixed, so it might have been more of a "oh good, this dark wash included my joggers".

@Flavabobble

Why so biased against the GF? She owns the same pair, it's not surprising she thought they were hers, and they may well be. She didn’t wash the ones that were drying though - the OP saw her daughter take them off and put them in the washer. The girlfriend then took an item she hadn't washed.

And what's the logic behind GF paying more rent than the other two?
Because the other two are the OP’s children and the girlfriend isn’t🤔
(as said, I assume a nominal amount rather than full rent)

But there is a chance the last time the gf wore and washed them dd took them from the dryer. No one knows who own the joggers. Just because she is the ops dd doesn't mean they are hers. She could have misplaced hers as easily as the gf could have.

@Precipice

Seems like it's not "really" GF's home if she can't even keep hold of her own possessions like her personal clothing there, without being expected to give them up to appease DD.

As for the washing, aside from not conferring ownership, based on this information it can't even be assumed GF knew it was the same pair DD had been wearing (which doesn't say anything about actual ownership). People living together as a family usually just have a washing basket and the wash is mixed, so it might have been more of a "oh good, this dark wash included my joggers".

The DD did her own wash. Given the joggers were removed and GF's washing appeared, and OP didn't do a wash, it's safe to assume the GF did I would think?

Wouldn't you know by smelling the pair that g/f was wearing? If newly washed n dried they would smell of laundry liquid. How come they were dry overnight anyway unless in a tumble dryer?

Stay out of it.

Why should the GF be out joggers when DD might have been wearing the GF ones to start with?

I’m what would be known as high functioning and I get the meltdown over specific clothes but how does your dd know they hadn’t already been mixed up before this week?

Get dd to label her clothes going foreword. Stickins are good.

@HermioneKipper

Personally I think the GF should hand them over, particularly as she’s living in your Home.

I would’ve hated the idea of my brothers girlfriend moving in and doing stuff like this

Stuff like what, taking a load of verbal abuse without complaint from her boyfriend's sister who may or may not have accidentally nicked HER joggers?

[quote sanbeiji]@aSofaNearYou the OP never said she wanted them handed over. She’s going to pay the GF. Or get her a replacement.[/quote]
I know that. Other posters are saying it, with statements like "I can't believe GF hasn't just handed them over, she can see how much they mean to DD" (whilst DD screams in her face that she wishes she was dead)

If the joggers are the same size and colour , I can't see that the girlfriend providing an email that she bought them is proof , unless there was some identifying marks or differences . If both pairs turned up and were washed at the same time could they both tell which is which ? I would insist that if they ever have the same item of clothing in the same colour and size again they each have to have something to identify it like a coloured mark with a sharpie on the label or something .

@Flavabobble

Why so biased against the GF? She owns the same pair, it's not surprising she thought they were hers, and they may well be. She didn’t wash the ones that were drying though - the OP saw her daughter take them off and put them in the washer. The girlfriend then took an item she hadn't washed.

And what's the logic behind GF paying more rent than the other two?
Because the other two are the OP’s children and the girlfriend isn’t🤔
(as said, I assume a nominal amount rather than full rent)

OP said GF added some of her clothes to the dryer, presumably having also done a wash. OP didn't see this happen, yes she saw her DD take the joggers off but she doesn't know for sure they were hers in the first place.

The logic that the GF should pay more rent is really strange. I wouldn't want my adult child and their partner living with me long term personally but it is very odd to charge the partner more specifically.

I’d speak to GF, appeal to her better nature about letting DD have that pair right now, and replace them as soon as possible. I’d ask DD to buy another pair at the same time, so she has 2 pairs, one on and one in the wash.

They both mark their pairs distinctly.

Ultimately GF is neurotypical and can make a small sacrifice for the greater good.

@joggerdrama might not help if they're not the right ones but I got my puma joggers from sports direct for less than £35 and they have 2 pairs for £40 at the moment x

How could they inadvertently be sharing one pair, @joggerdrama? Do you usually do your own washing, like today, or do you usually do shared loads? I could see it happening once if you do shared loads but not over and over again. One of them would have noticed that they were missing before or that they had got back a pair of joggers that they hadn't put in wash.

Let's be honest, the joggers can't have just disappeared from the airer today. They are either nearby if they got knocked off or somebody in the household has them. Did anyone else have laundry drying today who could have taken them by accident?

If not, the GF can't have taken them by mistake if they were already on the airer when she did her washing because she would have seen them when she started to hang her stuff. Also, she can't have thought she washed them because the joggers would still be damp and still drying with the rest of her things. She must have known that they were the pair your DD has been wearing and they weren't part of her laundry load. She shouldn't have just taken them from the airer. If she thought your DD had mistakenly taken hers, she should have said something before now eg when she saw your DD wearing them, not just helped herself to them.

@aSofaNearYou

I can't believe the amount of people that think GF should just hand them over and she's a bad person for not already doing so. I wouldn't want to hand over something I was sure was mine that cost me £35 either! If she's young she's probably not loaded.

Obviously one of them is wrong so I would ask them both to keep an eye out for the other pair in the coming days. In the meantime, I'd ask the GF if she minds giving them to DD and you will replace them (for GF, not DD, she should get something out of the arrangement) when you get paid.

Agreed - especially when the OP's updates portray the GF as a decent person in terms of honesty, volunteering information and paying board etc. The post upthread about her coldly taking them is an huge leap.

@HermioneKipper

Personally I think the GF should hand them over, particularly as she’s living in your Home.

I would’ve hated the idea of my brothers girlfriend moving in and doing stuff like this

Rubbish. By all the OP's updates she's a decent person. Just hand them over as she lives in someone else's house? Nope.

I'd ask your kids girlfriend if she can loan her joggers and you but her a new pair. If I saw someone was suffering I'd let them keep them.
Really though your DD shouldn't be saying such horrible things, ASD or no she needs to apologise profusely.

Seems like it's not "really" GF's home if she can't even keep hold of her own possessions like her personal clothing there, without being expected to give them up to appease DD.

Exactly. I've worked exclusively with autistic children for my entire career, so I absolutely understand the problem. But the gf cannot be expected to give up her possessions to DD 'just because'. It's not fair on her, and treating get this way risks OP's son's relationship with her. It will make her feel that this is going to be the way it will be for her entire future with him.