To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

I can see that the GF might be reluctant to 'just' hand over her clothes to someone who has been screaming abuse at and about her, because she might worry that it's going to keep on happening. Even if she complies and then makes sure she never buys clothes that could be confused with anything the DD owns again, she might still worry that the DD will find something else to kick off about.
I am also wondering (and this is not to insult ND people, more to point out that being ND doesn't stop you being unkind or unfair sometimes) whether DD dislikes the GF or dislikes her living in the family home and that is affecting her behaviour as well.

Bless your daughter. Clearly they are HER joggers. She literally took them off before the wash.

My thoughts are gf lost hers a while ago, maybe suspected DD took hers, and saw this as an opportunity to take them back.

It's pretty heartless of her to not give your DD the pair back given how much they mean to her.

To me, she clearly lacks respect. She's living with her "in-laws", probably for little rent, she should be offering them up. Any decent person would

Any chance that the too-big pair of joggers would shrink a bit if put in a "too hot" wash? ...

Hope you can come to a reasonable solution.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

You saw your daughter put them in the washing machine. Your daughter will know where she then hung them up. Ask the girlfriend where she got them from. If she took them from the place your daughter hung them up, then they are your daughters.

This is what happens in shared houses, which is basically what you have. Your daughter hung them up, the gf took the. They're your daughters. The gf needs to give them back. If hers are missing then they're missing and that's that.

So you'd be ok if I took a pair of your joggers, wore them and because my mum saw me putting them in the washing machine, agreed they were mine??

@saraclara

Seems like it's not "really" GF's home if she can't even keep hold of her own possessions like her personal clothing there, without being expected to give them up to appease DD.

Exactly. I've worked exclusively with autistic children for my entire career, so I absolutely understand the problem. But the gf cannot be expected to give up her possessions to DD 'just because'. It's not fair on her, and treating get this way risks OP's son's relationship with her. It will make her feel that this is going to be the way it will be for her entire future with him.

What an exaggeration! Why would she have to deal with that her whole life? Presumably they'll move out at some point!

And this is a special pair of trousers that the DD was literally JUST wearing. GF has another size I'm sure she can slip on and adjust. Anyone with morals would see this as a unique situation and do the right thing.

I don't get how everyone is so convinced they are definitely DD's?? DD could easily have mistakenly picked up GF's pair from the washing at any point prior to now. It's just one of those things.

The best solution is to ask GF nicely to let DD have these ones and replace her pair when paid.

@joggerdrama

I'd ask gf why she just quietly took them off the airer that DD had hung them on? As DD was wearing them & washed them, why does GF believe they're hers?

It all sound a bit odd.

However, I'd ask her to give them to Dd (because if her SEN & how much it affects her) and I'd buy another pair, for her on payday.

Are there no marks on either pair? Nothing that would tell them apart?

Check everyone else's drawers/wardrobe/floor to because unless they're a distinct colour they all look much them same folded up.

Awww id hope that GF would gift them to be honest...

Even if these are the GF's pair & they are given to Op's daughter, where are Op's daughter's pair for the GF to then have?

I do think it's strange that having the exact pair in the same size, living together & doing washing, no one thought to mark a pair.

How do items of clothing get lost?

Unless the GF's pair are at her other home or either of them regularly visit friends & get changed there?

Anyone with morals would see this as a unique situation and do the right thing.

Anyone with morals would give up something that's theirs (that they think is theirs) to someone who has said she wished you dead, just because that person also wants it and thinks it's theirs? You have a singular way of looking at morals.

You saw your DD taking them off and putting them in the machine so this pair is obviously your DD's.
It's the gf who should be looking for her pair not your DD who is having to go without.

@WhenTheyComeForYou

Bless your daughter. Clearly they are HER joggers. She literally took them off before the wash.

My thoughts are gf lost hers a while ago, maybe suspected DD took hers, and saw this as an opportunity to take them back.

It's pretty heartless of her to not give your DD the pair back given how much they mean to her.

To me, she clearly lacks respect. She's living with her "in-laws", probably for little rent, she should be offering them up. Any decent person would

Except for the fact the OP has already said she doesn't pay "little rent"...

@Wreath21

I can see that the GF might be reluctant to 'just' hand over her clothes to someone who has been screaming abuse at and about her, because she might worry that it's going to keep on happening. Even if she complies and then makes sure she never buys clothes that could be confused with anything the DD owns again, she might still worry that the DD will find something else to kick off about. I am also wondering (and this is not to insult ND people, more to point out that being ND doesn't stop you being unkind or unfair sometimes) whether DD dislikes the GF or dislikes her living in the family home and that is affecting her behaviour as well.

Why is everyone assuming that the GF got yelled at? Unless I'm misreading she told all this to OP, not to the GF's face. OP was just acting as an intermediary?

Also emotional dysregulation is a part of autism. Saying lots of things they don't mean, etc etc. To an NT person it's unkind, and unfair, but the ND's thinking is distorted. It isn't rational. Whether they can restrain themselves again depends on how their autism manifests themselves.

I'm always torn by this quite frankly. I have ADD, DP is autistic. We know lots of ND people. Some behave socially appallingly and while I understand their thought process being friends with them takes a toll on me. Their family of course have no choice...

@joggerdramaHelp your dd look again. Backs of chairs. On a hanger with a top covering it. Gym bags. Bottom of laundry basket. Lift cushions off sofas. Top of wardrobe. Shake out blankets and throws.

Is it stuck to something by static? Under a dressing gown?
If it is inside out it might not be the exact colour every one looked for first time.
Good luck op. I understand how stressfull it is. My lovely dd is ASD and clothes are practically Kryptonite or The Holy Grail. xx

I don't understand - you watched DD put them in the wash so they must be hers?

Could you and DD afford to split the cost of a new pair on next day delivery?

Op actually says so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing
So actually acknowledges that they may not be the DDs, am actually shocked at the vitriol and nastiness towards the GF here, who's actually been quite nice with regards to what as pp have said is an accusation of theft, being told you were wished dead and not wanted.
@joggerdrama, what's your sons take on all of this?

Perhaps the Gf could let your daughter wear them for work at the weekend?

I wouldn't expect gf to give your dd her joggers tbh. My sister was like your dd and although it can't be helped it's also not very nice living like that. If my sister wanted trousers for example that I had I'd be forced to lend them to her and then they'd be reshaped around her legs if that makes sense. Really annoying when they're given back and not the same shape and also been worn down by someone else, not to mention, I just don't want them to be shared because they were mine which I don't think is unacceptable,
Gf probably nabbed them back at the first opportunity to avoid an argument but all this has happened anyway!

Lots of replies that I’m super thankful for but can’t reply to all rn!

To clear some things up;

Gf isn’t paying more rent, I can’t see where I said that but I may have made a mistake if I did say it. She pays the same amount as dd and ds pay, which is 150 a month.

Dd and gf both do their own washing. Dd because of her autism buys hers own washing power and softener and gf because she just prefer to do her own. Gfs wash and dds wash were 2 separate washes. We don’t have a tumble dryer so dds washing was hung up around 9pm last night, no idea when gf did hers as I wasn’t in at the time. Despite doing their own washing I do occasionally end up taking it off the airer for them so it’s very possible I gave a pair of joggers to the wrong person.

Dd didn’t say any of this stuff to the gf she’s very timid normally and I actually was the one dealing with it because of how anxious she got. It started with her just telling me she’s stressed and upset because her joggers were missing and gf was wearing them. It was after I spoke to gf and she insisted they were hers that dd got upset, gf wasn’t even in the house at the time and dd has since apologised to me for saying those things and said she didn’t mean it she just couldn’t see straight and once she calmed down she realised how horrible she was being. Surprising dd isn’t a horrible person, she just gets overwhelmed and acts out without thinking of it.

Yes dd and gf are both adults but dd has asd so doesn’t always think and act the same way a NT adult would. She also has anxiety which is why she came to me instead of asking gf herself.

As for no one having money to replace them, it's little over a week before pay day for me so my disposable income is limited, due to both dc being old enough to buy their own stuff I don’t budget for their clothing anymore. Dd works 24 hours a week on minimum wage. Gf is at uni, not working, and ds works full time but why would they buy a new pair when it’s dd who’s currently without?

I’ve helped dd look and she definitely doesn’t have her pair in her room.

I’ve spoken with gf and unfortunately she doesn’t want to hand over the joggers as they are apparently one of only 2 pairs she has atm (not including the other size she has)

What a shame the wrong sized ones can't be returned & exchanged for an xs.

It's good that the harsh words wasn't directed at GF.

But I think unless they show up in the coming days this is just one of those things. The joggers could belong to either of them, this is the risk of having identical, unlabeled clothes.

What you do depends how much you want to fix this for your daughter. You could either pay to replace them, or split the cost with her, or if handled more formally, split the cost three ways or between the two girls, as it's impossible to know whose they are and this would be the fairest way.

You could also consider putting rent up for them all if you're struggling.

[quote JugglingJanuary]@joggerdrama

I'd ask gf why she just quietly took them off the airer that DD had hung them on? As DD was wearing them & washed them, why does GF believe they're hers?

It all sound a bit odd.

However, I'd ask her to give them to Dd (because if her SEN & how much it affects her) and I'd buy another pair, for her on payday.

Are there no marks on either pair? Nothing that would tell them apart?

Check everyone else's drawers/wardrobe/floor to because unless they're a distinct colour they all look much them same folded up.[/quote]
This. It sounds very odd. Your dd’s joggers cannot have vanished into thin air and it sounds likely they were the ones owned or at least worn by your dd.

I think she was pretty heartless to go out in them when your dd was in such distress.

owned or at least worn

But that's the key part, isn't it. If they WERE just "worn" by the DD, then the GF had every right to take them back.

But we don't know.

I reiterate my question: when did GF last see her pair? Can we deduce from your most recent post that they were in the wash she put on? When did she put it on, where did she hang it out? Where did DD hang out her wash?

I’ve spoken with gf and unfortunately she doesn’t want to hand over the joggers as they are apparently one of only 2 pairs she has atm (not including the other size she has

I sympathise with her but why did she not realise her pair was missing if DD has been wearing them constantly for a while now? Seems a bit weird she wouldn't bring it up if she thought DD was wearing her trousers.