To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

If you saw DD taking the joggers off and putting them in the wash then they are DDs joggers and GF should give them back. She had no right to touch DDs washing or take the joggers.

Most likely would be GF returned the wrong size or lost hers and has now taken DDs.

I think they are your daughters. She put the in the machine and the girlfriend took them. I would suggest girlfriend checks her mums house as they're probably there.

@Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor

If you saw DD taking the joggers off and putting them in the wash then they are DDs joggers and GF should give them back. She had no right to touch DDs washing or take the joggers.

Most likely would be GF returned the wrong size or lost hers and has now taken DDs.

But just because DD was wearing them doesn't mean they actually were her pair though?

I think OP is probably right that they have inadvertently been sharing the one pair and it's only become noticeable because DD has started wearing them constantly now.

That said though I do think gf could be a bit more understanding given what a big deal it is to DD. She can presumably wear any other trousers whereas DD can't.

I'd definitely ask GF to give this pair to DD and then replace her pair after payday.

So are they both saying they put them in the wash in the past few days? You saw DD put them in so you know she did. Did GF definitely put hers in the same wash too?

I think they are your DDs as you saw her take them off and put them in the washer. GF could have left hers somewhere else like work gym ect.

Would she wear these?www.asos.com/puma/puma-essentials-joggers-in-ochre/prd/24286688?clr=chai-tea&colourWayId=60554580&SearchQuery=puma+joggers

I can't work this out. How many pairs of this style of joggers do have in house and what size are there. If there are two if girlfriends' cupboard in 2 different sizes then surely the one in DD's size is DD's. Perhaps she took them in error and now embarrassed to admit it.

If it’s causing her distress surely she’d lend her the pants until you can buy another pair of hopeful they will be found it’s not cheeky.

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

I can't work this out. How many pairs of this style of joggers do have in house and what size are there. If there are two if girlfriends' cupboard in 2 different sizes then surely the one in DD's size is DD's. Perhaps she took them in error and now embarrassed to admit it.

DD and GF both have one pair each in the same size.

GF also has a pair in a bigger size which she doesn't like the fit of (which is why she bought the 2nd pair).

So three pairs in total, 2 belonging to GF. One to DD.

There are various Puma joggers in size xs on Vinted, if that helps at all.

My DD is primary school age but also suspected autistic so I’m thinking about what I would do in your situation and I would offer to buy them off GF. She may be happy with £20 to buy whatever she wants rather than buying the exact same item for £40 which is what your DD needs.

The daughter could have been wearing the GF’s joggers for ages without realising though (and vice versa). I actually think the GF has been pretty understanding. I’m not sure I’d be impressed at having to show a receipt and empty my drawers…. But I do see how it must be difficult for the daughter. Won’t help now but perhaps she should label future favourite clothes. Is it worth looking on eBay for a pair that could then ‘turn up’?

Has your son explained about his sister to his GF?

I would have thought out of kindness she would have offered.

But why were hers on the airer? Had she just washed them too?

I can't help feeling for the GF here. She's had to jump through hoops, find receipts, empty out her drawers and wardrobe and who knows what else.
She must be starting to feel as though she's being accused of being a thief.

I totally understand your DD's distress, but seriously, what the GF has been put through is a bit much.

@Beautiful3

I think they are your daughters. She put the in the machine and the girlfriend took them. I would suggest girlfriend checks her mums house as they're probably there.

I agree with this.

Is this not a job for DS?

Could you not ask him to speak to his GF and tell her that while none in the house thinks she took them for one minute that is sister is absolutely distraught and given her needs, he would really appreciate if she wouldn't mind lending them to her.

Then you can give either of them the replacement pair when they arrive.

It might be accusatory or difficult if it comes from you,but it won't coming from her boyfriend. You could also get her a small gift for being so accommodating.

Does GF really have 2 pairs? Surely each girl has one pair each?

@Nanny0gg

Has your son explained about his sister to his GF?

I would have thought out of kindness she would have offered.

But why were hers on the airer? Had she just washed them too?

I'd guess she hadn't been able to find hers and had thought DD was wearing them so took them back from the airer when she saw them there.

Or GF's pair are at her parents?

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

Does GF really have 2 pairs? Surely each girl has one pair each?

GF bought the wrong size initially so she has one pair that doesn't fit.

She bought another pair in the correct size and that is the same size as the ones DD has.

So three pairs in the house but only 2 of any use.

Ask GF to give DD the joggers as an act of kindness. You buy GF a replacement pair. They are new, so GF wins and DD gets what she wants.

I didn’t ask gf to show me a receipt or empty her drawers, she did that herself. I’d just told her what dd had told me and asked if there was a chance she’s accidentally taken them thinking they were hers.

I'm really surprised by some of these responses.

Just because OP saw her DD taking the joggers off and washing them, doesn't mean they were her joggers to begin with. It also doesn't mean there weren't two pairs in the wash and one hasn't accidentally been put in someone else's wardrobe.

I also can't believe the girlfriend has had to empty her wardrobe and prove she owns a pair of joggers by bringing up a receipt online from a year ago! I would feel so resentful if I was in her position - she's basically being accused of theft.

I say all of that as someone who is autistic and who forms attachments to items of clothing due to their comfort/my sensory needs.

My DDs have some Puma joggers here in XS - if they are the same ones as your DD we will happily send them to you? I'm on the app so can't PM atm but If you can put up the ASOS link I can see if they are the same? (The pair here are grey and I think they were "slim fit")

What do you actually want help with, do you want someone to buy you a new pair? If the wet joggers went out of the wash and onto the airer and GF took them off there to wear then they are your daughters.

I have no useful advice about how to solve this but it may be worth checking Sports Persuit for a reasonably priced replacement. Also, does anyone you know have that pre-paid delivery thing Asos do?