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Original poster

To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

303 replies

joggerdrama · 27/01/2022 16:27

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

OP posts:
Original poster
joggerdrama · 27/01/2022 16:58

Is the GF living in your house rent free and using your washing machine for free, etc?

She pays the same amount of “rent” as ds and dd do, although this wasn’t expected she just offered.

OP posts:
Akire · 27/01/2022 16:59

I’d expect another adult in house who
Is capable of wearing any other item of clothing and hasn’t been wearing these for ages to hand them Over. Small irritation for them over melt down, not going work complete stress for your daughter.

FoamBurst · 27/01/2022 17:00

If you saw her put them in machine and then the gf had taken off the airer today. I guarantee its likely theyre dds.

TidyDancer · 27/01/2022 17:01

I think the house (and any cars used by DD and GF) needs to be searched top to bottom as finding the other pair is the best solution to this, failing that I would do what many others have suggested and speak to the GF and see if she would be willing to allow DD to wear her trousers until the others can be replaced. If she says no, I don't think you can force her so I'm not sure where you go from there.

SituationCritical · 27/01/2022 17:01

Surely the other pair must be in the house somewhere then? Bottom of any washing baskets, bathrooms, fallen down the side of a bed, tucked inside a bed sheet/towel?
I think I would ask GF as a favour to you if she would please lend DD the tracksuit bottoms just until you can replace them (you could give GF the replacement pair). I'm sure she can see the impact it has. If I was GF I wouldn't hesitate to offer them. First off though I'd be making sure I'd checked everywhere.

T00Ts · 27/01/2022 17:04

There’s a clear mix up here, surely? They must be your daughter’s pair as otherwise where the hell could hers have possibly gone? I think I’d ask the gf to borrow a pair as surely, seeing as she seems to live with you all, she’ll be understanding of your daughter’s additional needs?

steppemum · 27/01/2022 17:09

My take on this is that dd took them off and put them in the wash, then hung them on the airer then they are dds.

I cannot see how gf can claim them.

But also, as other pp have said, turn the whole house out top to bottom until the missing pair is found.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2022 17:11

I really wouldn't ask GF to hand over her clothes to appease DD without actual evidence they are DDs. That would be a recipe for disaster as a MIL were the relationship with DS to become long term.

WestendVBroadway · 27/01/2022 17:12

Is the gf actually saying that she had also put her joggers in the wash at the same time? If not how can they be hers? It seems the gf has no more claim over them definitely being her's than your DD does. We're there any identifying marks on them, small tear etc. Did you explain to the gf that you had seen your DD put her's in the washing machine, or is gf actually implying that your DD had taken her (gf) joggers and been wearing them?

Original poster
joggerdrama · 27/01/2022 17:14

Both of them bought their pairs so long ago that it’s possible one of them lost theirs and have been since been sharing the one pair without realising until dd started wearing the constantly. I’m going to speak to gf when she comes back and see if she’s willing to allow dd to have this pair and I will replace them when I can.

OP posts:
TigerLilyTail · 27/01/2022 17:14

@SeasonFinale

I really wouldn't ask GF to hand over her clothes to appease DD without actual evidence they are DDs. That would be a recipe for disaster as a MIL were the relationship with DS to become long term.
I agree with this. My son has autism and is terrible for clothes as he will only wear certain things, but they are expensive joggers and belong to the GF. Keep looking though. The other pair must be somewhere.
PraiseTheSunshine · 27/01/2022 17:14

If you saw your daughter take off the joggers and wash them then surely GF must be wearing your daughter's pair? Maybe ask both gf and dd to look through their clothes/washing again to see if they can find the other pair of xs joggers. They must be somewhere in the house, especially if they were purchased recently which it sounds like considering they both still had the receipt for them.

chesirecat99 · 27/01/2022 17:15

Did the GF say that she took them from the airer? If she did, I don't think you would be out of order to ask her to return them to your DD as you know the ones on the airer were your DD's.

It seems strange that she bought the wrong size and didn't exchange them, just bought a new pair. Is it possible that she returned the wrong ones? Or maybe hers have been missing for a long time but she didn't notice because she had 2. If she thought they were missing or that your DD had taken hers by accident, why wouldn't she have asked if anyone had seen them rather than taking a pair from the airer she must have known she didn't wash if they were already there when she hung out her laundry?

Perhaps you could suggest she sells the pair that don't fit and offer to put a small amount of money towards a replacement for the GF.

torenoornottoreno · 27/01/2022 17:15

I bet they are your DD’s.

Original poster
joggerdrama · 27/01/2022 17:17

They must be somewhere in the house, especially if they were purchased recently which it sounds like considering they both still had the receipt for them.

They don’t have the receipt, they showed me on the orders on asos. Dd bought hers in may and Gf got hers in January last year so its very possible they just got lost over the last few months, especially as they both spend nights away occasionally.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 27/01/2022 17:19

Are they maybe different colour /texture in the inside and you are looking for the ones turned the right way and dd's are inside out somewhere?
Hope that makes sense!

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 17:20

@joggerdrama

Both of them bought their pairs so long ago that it’s possible one of them lost theirs and have been since been sharing the one pair without realising until dd started wearing the constantly. I’m going to speak to gf when she comes back and see if she’s willing to allow dd to have this pair and I will replace them when I can.
Good idea, this is what I was going to suggest, as long as you are able to replace them when you're paid.
Rodion · 27/01/2022 17:22

If you do ask the gf for them then I would frame it in an apologetic way where you ask her if it would be possible to buy the old joggers from her now at full price - and give her the money now (or as much as you can for now). And give her a box of chocs or something for the bother. As a pp said you don't want to sour things with your sons girlfriend so it would need to feel like she definitely benefited from being the one to give up the joggers.

But keep looking for that other pair!

RhiWrites · 27/01/2022 17:23

Sounds as though no ones at fault here. Could you look for the magic joggers on eBay?

viques · 27/01/2022 17:24

Did they realise before that they had the same item of clothing? Seems strange that it seems to have come as a surprise to them. Where is the gf’s” other house” is there any chance that the other pair of joggers has been left there ?

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2022 17:26

OP could you put up here exact joggers and perhaps lovely mumsnetters can find a cheap preloved pair

Itsalmostanaccessory · 27/01/2022 17:29

You saw your daughter put them in the washing machine. Your daughter will know where she then hung them up.
Ask the girlfriend where she got them from. If she took them from the place your daughter hung them up, then they are your daughters.

This is what happens in shared houses, which is basically what you have. Your daughter hung them up, the gf took the. They're your daughters. The gf needs to give them back. If hers are missing then they're missing and that's that.

mattymoo55 · 27/01/2022 17:31

I’ve read this a few times but still can’t figure out why the girlfriend has claimed them/is sure they’re hers? Whose to say she’s not taken your daughters trousers?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 27/01/2022 17:35

It really does sound like the gf has been watching your daughter wearing them, convinced herself they are hers and just waited for her chance to take them. Your daughter put them on the dryer and the gf took them off and wore then as a way to "claim" them.

BlankTimes · 27/01/2022 17:36

Your DD put the joggers in the machine, you saw her do it, so the single pair of joggers that were washed and on the airer surely were hers.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18

Maybe you can explain this to the GF so she understands why your DD is so distressed.
The term High Functioning when used in conjunction with autism means that the person diagnosed - it is a medical diagnosis not a label - has an IQ over 70. That is all, it means nothing else.

Many people think the term high functioning means 'Can pass for NT' but it's not the case at all.

To be given a diagnosis of autism , someone has to meet the criteria.
"The DSM-5 Manual defines autism spectrum disorder as “persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), which “limit and impair everyday functioning”.
Please note the limit and impair everyday functioning wording. Autism is a disability.

I think the GF should give your DD the joggers immediately.
The GF has other clothes she can wear. She has a choice.
Because of her autism, right now your DD doesn't have that choice (her sensory needs are preventing her from wearing anything else, she can't help it.)
The GF should understand that this is a disability issue, not a spoilt teen issue.