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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

303 replies

joggerdrama · 27/01/2022 16:27

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

OP posts:

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 27/01/2022 18:25

The joggers here will have also come from ASOS as all my DC seem to buy all their clothes from there!

(there is a 20% discount on there today if it's any help. Code PAYYAY)

Hb12 · 27/01/2022 18:27

How does the girlfriend know they are hers, when they both own a pair in the same size? If your DD has been wearing them, then washed them, I think it is actually a little cheeky for the GF to take them. She must have known that she didn't put them on to wash, so someone else must have done.

They are just as likely to be your daughter's as hers surely?

BurntO · 27/01/2022 18:28

There’s no way to know who’s is who’s. It’s irrelevant if OPs DD put them in the machine because she may have been wearing the GFs to begin with. Kindly ask the GF to let your DD use them and buy the GF new ones.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2022 18:29

Could GF ask her parents to check just in case on of her pairs is still at their house?

Riapia · 27/01/2022 18:29

Your DD is 24 the I assume the GF is not a child.
Let them sort it out, it’s not your problem.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2022 18:31

I think they must be DD's too.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2022 18:34

Has GF even worn these joggers recently?

0nTheEdge · 27/01/2022 18:35

Can they both check wherever else they stay? It's hard to know who's these ones are and you're stuck right in the middle if it all! There must be another pair somewhere, unless gf returned xs ones to buy the larger size? Not that you could ask that though without sounding accusing...

DaffodilDandilion · 27/01/2022 18:39

Tbh I think GF is being unreasonable. DD put a pair of joggers in the wash, it’s not unreasonable to expect the use of them when they come out. That isn’t even factoring in the ASD. DD obviously has a greater need for them than GF fancying wearing them today. I fee for your DD.

WellTidy · 27/01/2022 18:39

In this position, I would quietly offer to buy the GF’s joggers off her, and then your DD will be able to go about her daily life. If the GF isn’t keen, then I think a conversation needs to be had - she is living in your home and your DD is neurodiverse, she should be willing to understand what that truly means and consider how she can adapt to accommodate that at times.

thefirstmrsrochester · 27/01/2022 18:40

There’s no way to know who’s is who’s. It’s irrelevant if OPs DD put them in the machine
because she may have been wearing the GFs to
begin with. Kindly ask the GF to let your DD use
them and buy the GF new ones.

This with bells on 👆

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/01/2022 18:42

You can’t ask the gf to lend her joggers to DD just because she’s upset about misplacing hers. Maybe she lost them ages ago, was wearing gf’s and waiting for DD to wash them so she could have them back!

I think you should come down harder on DD for accusing her of theft and saying she wished she was dead, ASD or not she’s making an enormous drama out of it.

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 18:49

I can't believe the amount of people that think GF should just hand them over and she's a bad person for not already doing so. I wouldn't want to hand over something I was sure was mine that cost me £35 either! If she's young she's probably not loaded.

Obviously one of them is wrong so I would ask them both to keep an eye out for the other pair in the coming days. In the meantime, I'd ask the GF if she minds giving them to DD and you will replace them (for GF, not DD, she should get something out of the arrangement) when you get paid.

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/01/2022 18:49

I don’t see why the GF needs to give up her pair potentially, it’s clear no one knows if they aren’t actually hers. Why should she have to buy a new pair?! It’s clear you and DD don’t want to, so why would she. It’s not that unusual having 2 sizes, I’m a size 11 which obviously isn’t a widely available size. I really like Dorothy Perkins Eden jeggings and wear them loads so l have a size 10 and a size 12. For chunkier days and thinner days

Flavabobble · 27/01/2022 18:50

So she’s helped herself to the ones your daughter washed and put to dry? Doesn’t matter who that pair belong to - she’s set out to claim them hasn’t she.

I can’t afford even the one pair at the moment as with delivery it would come to over £40.

She pays the same amount of “rent” as ds and dd do, although this wasn’t expected she just offered.

I’m jumping to conclusions here and am going to guess gf is paying a nominal amount?
If so, start charging her a reasonable amount and stop subsiding her, and you’ll be able to afford £40 10 days before payday.

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/01/2022 18:52

I just re-read what she said about the GF, hard no especially after saying that about her . Going forward they need to label items of clothing

Threeboysandadog · 27/01/2022 18:52

Just ask the girlfriend if she would kindly let dd have the older joggers and that you will replace them with a new pair for her on pay day. Ds3 has HFA and his brothers have to make allowances for it which I sort out with them later.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 27/01/2022 18:54

I really don't think it's ok to expect her to give up her clothes

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 18:56

@Flavabobble

So she’s helped herself to the ones your daughter washed and put to dry? Doesn’t matter who that pair belong to - she’s set out to claim them hasn’t she.

I can’t afford even the one pair at the moment as with delivery it would come to over £40.

She pays the same amount of “rent” as ds and dd do, although this wasn’t expected she just offered.

Why so biased against the GF? She owns the same pair, it's not surprising she thought they were hers, and they may well be.

And what's the logic behind GF paying more rent than the other two?

It's like you really dislike her but nothing bad has been said about her.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/01/2022 18:57

Just so you know the terms high/low functioning are outdated, for exactly the reasons you describe - just because someone might seem “high” functioning eg can have a job it doesn’t mean they can cope with everything eg losing a pair of joggers. Basically every autistic person struggles with different and unique issues and lumping them into high or low isn’t really helpful. ANYWAY I think the gf is being a bit difficult, it’s sounds most likely that the joggers are dds.

PurplePinecone · 27/01/2022 19:01

Did they both put their pairs in the washing machine? Or was it only your daughter and the gf thought she had put hers in? If only one pair came out and only your daughter remembers putting them in, then it's your daughter's pair that she's taken thinking they are hers

WildPoinsettia · 27/01/2022 19:01

Joggers are joggers, so I'd check DS drawers/room too.

Does GF have any possessions elsewhere? Eg her parents home? I'd be suspecting her pair are there and the ones in your house are DD.

"High functioning" is a crappy phrase that I wish medics didn't use. It doesn't mean "fine" or "high functioning compared to an average person with no health problems" which is what people tend to think it means. It's something that refers to her IQ being ordinary and ability to have reasonable control over her own body, that's all.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 27/01/2022 19:02

Ask GF when she last saw her pair.

Wreath21 · 27/01/2022 19:03

I'm another one who's feeling a bit sorry for the GF. She's living with her boyfriend's family, paying rent, hopefully trying to get along with everyone and suddenly she's being blamed for the disappearance of a pair of joggers, it's implied that she stole them, and there is this heavy expectation that she just hand them over despite the way the DD is speaking to and about her.
(If I was the GF I would probably be packing my bags and going back to my parents, believing that unless I did so, the rest of my life might be a matter of tiptoeing around my SIL and being accused of stuff at random).
I also have an autistic DC (though very, very mercifully mine doesn't get fixated on clothing) so I understand how hard it is for all concerned - but please don't let it become a matter of making your son's GF feel unwelcome in your home indefinitely.

Pumpkinpatch22 · 27/01/2022 19:03

This is a no brainer to me. Sorry to the gf but she needs to let your dd have them imo. I have worked with children with autism for many years and think it will cause your dd far more problems to be without them than the gf. Get a permanent marker and mark the label so this cannot happen again.

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