To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/02/2022 15:28

Tbh I’ve just read this and caught up, but fwiw I think the gf must have taken dd’s joggers having lost hers and ought to have given them back.

Glad it’s sorted though.

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RitaFires · 08/02/2022 15:15

I think it's absolutely shocking that your son's girlfriend lost her own joggers so decided to steal from your daughter and cause everyone so much unnecessary distress and that she got away with it.

If other people hadn't bought replacements for your daughter would your son's GF just have stayed wearing them constantly knowing you wouldn't ask her to actually take them off? Or was she just going to be conveniently out of the house with them forever, which might have been the best outcome, I wouldn't want a snake like that in my home.

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whynotwhatknot · 08/02/2022 14:52

well shes obviously a liar id quesiton having her in my house

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Doratheexploret · 08/02/2022 14:49

I get this. My son is severely autistic and has favourite clothes. It would be a nightmare if he lost something. I’d offer to buy the girlfriend a new pair and ask her to give the others to your daughter. It’s so hard with autism, they won’t just “get over it” or forget about it. My son can have something for years and never wear it but then one day goes hunting for it. He won’t let up until it’s found and as he’s non verbal its so difficult.

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Tonkerbea · 08/02/2022 14:12

@0nTheEdge

That was even more shady of the gf taking them away with her when she knew full well by then they were not hers. I'd have been asking for them back out of principle as she's got away with upsetting your daughter and causing upset and stress for everyone.

Yup, agreed. Glad your DD is sorted though.

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0nTheEdge · 08/02/2022 07:17

That was even more shady of the gf taking them away with her when she knew full well by then they were not hers. I'd have been asking for them back out of principle as she's got away with upsetting your daughter and causing upset and stress for everyone.

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joggerdrama · 08/02/2022 02:35

you have not come back. Is it because DD found her original joggers and had been wearing GFs all the time?

No, not at all. I thought I updated a few days ago but I must not have posted it right

Gf went to stay at her friends before ds had a chance to talk to her and conveniently had the joggers on her. She didn’t get back until Monday afternoon and we’d managed to sort dd a pair which arrived on Saturday just in time for work thankfully and then her boyfriend got her a few more pairs on Monday when he got paid. I ended up telling gf to just keep the pair she had but to not touch dds washing anymore and tell me if she thinks dd may have something of hers by mistake.

OP posts:

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Stressedout1009 · 05/02/2022 18:58

I think you have been SO kind to let the gf live in your home, the very least she could do is give your dd the joggers knowing how much distress this has caused her. I would be so disappointed in your ds as well, surely both of them could have sucked up the cost of a pair of bloody joggers when they knew how this affected your dd. This is awful, especially as the gf wasn't even 100% certain it was hers. I hope your dd is ok.

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Newmumatlast · 05/02/2022 18:36

@joggerdrama

Woke up this morning to a text from ds saying gf did get them off the airer but only because she can be 100% they were hers and didn’t know everything hanging up was dds. I asked how she knew they were hers and he didn’t give a proper answer but said she wore the joggers last on New Year’s Eve to travel to a hotel, when she came home ds chucked everything in the wash basket him and I use as they were “hungover and cba to sort it yet” and she hadn’t seen them since, she assumed they got left at the bottom for a while and then I did a wash yesterday. Dd was also wearing her pair on New Year’s Eve though so there was definitely 2 pairs that day. Dd then wasn’t home for a couple days and didn’t get back until all ds and gfs washing had been returned to them, she then washed and dried her joggers within a day, and put them back on.

This is the same pair of joggers she’s been wearing since early December so it seems likely what’s happened is they did get mixed up before dd started wearing them constantly and no one noticed then gf probably lost the pair she had at the hotel. The pair put in the wash are definitely the same pair dd has been wearing all this time so I’ve asked ds if they can please return them to dd as whether or not they are her original joggers they are the pair she’s been wearing and gf has most likely lost the other pair. Ds says he’ll see what gf says but they’re both out until this evening now.

I also didn’t realise dd actually wanted to buy a couple of back up pairs not long ago and I told her it’s not a good idea to spend £100 on joggers, to her this meant I was telling her not to buy any. Had I known what they were to her i wouldn’t have said anything.

I would think if gf had seen dd wearing the joggers and thought they were hers she would’ve come to me, not long ago I kept giving dd gfs socks, they also both wear white socks pretty exclusively, and she came to me and said she thinks dd has loads of her socks and could I ask her to sort through them so she can have some back. If she can do that for socks that cost £5 to replace I think it’s likely she’ll do it for an expensive pair of joggers.

I don’t like the implication dd is difficult because of this, she’s far from it and even if she was what a harmful thing to say. Autistic people are not difficult, they’re, well, autistic!

I’m also not putting gfs feelings over dds, I just know that the whole world can’t bend to the way dd wants it and I can’t demand someone hand over their clothes to please her. Now I know they’re definitely the pair dd has been wearing for 2 months I will be making sure they are given back to her. As some of you keep pointing out it may be soooo hard and horrible to live with someone with autism but I can guarantee it’s even harder for dd living with autism herself! gf chooses to live here, dd does not, therefore if it’s so horrible and we’re all making her so miserable she can leave.

As for the uni stuff I don’t have a clue, maybe gf can return now and maybe I have been lied to but she’s hardly a bother being here so I don’t mind.

Sorry have just seen this update which I had missed. Gf should give them back and you shouldn't reimburse. It seems clear gf left them at the hotel in error. There is no evidence they were mixed up before that - no information has been given to prove this pair are in some way obviously gfs based on how they look. Gf accepts she took them off the airer. You know their washing from the hotel was all done and given back to them and DD did her own including these joggers. So gf needs to accept her error, suck it up, and hand these over.Though she may not want to wear the bigger pair she does have another pair. She could wear them or sell them on something like vinted and pick up another pair secondhand in her size. But thats up to her. These are plainly not her ones

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Newmumatlast · 05/02/2022 18:19

@joggerdrama

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

Gf must know about DDs condition and hopefully is a nice girl - you'd not let her live with you otherwise presumably. As she has another pair, albeit a different size, could you ask if she would sell you hers or alternatively give them to DD and you buy gf a new pair? That's a good deal for gf as her current ones aren't new and it means DD has them immediately plus you don't have to pay £6 delivery and can get a normal delivery cost as gf won't have a meltdown without them whereas understandably DD is distressed. Then you can work out where the other pair (gf or DDs) has got to before you decide whether to buy a spare for DD.

Seems to me if DD definitely put hers in the wash and you saw, gf maybe is mistaken? Unless DD has been wearing gfs ones all this time in which case where might DD have worn them to lose them? Sew a coloured thread into pairs from now on

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WestendVBroadway · 05/02/2022 17:38

@joggerdrama, you have not come back. Is it because DD found her original joggers and had been wearing GFs all the time?

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NotJustACigar · 30/01/2022 14:16

Hi OP do you have a good outcome yet? Sorry I am way too invested in this for some reason!

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MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2022 09:36

Hope it’s sorted OP.

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JSL52 · 28/01/2022 22:54

Can you put DD's initial in the label when she gets them back ?

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worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 22:43

OP up to you how much you charge for people to live in your house

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Gizacluethen · 28/01/2022 21:26

I think the gf has behaved appallingly. She hasn't seen her pair since she was at a hotel. Saw that dd had put a pair in the wash and took them. Of course she knew they were dds. She's just thought she could claim them. If she thought they were actually hers she should have said something. She has presumably seen dd wearing the same pair every day for a month. So wont have had any doubt whose they were.

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Itsalmostanaccessory · 28/01/2022 20:57

@joggerdrama

How did it go, OP? All sorted out?

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Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2022 13:05

@Itsalmostanaccessory

The Gf felt comfortable enough to go to the clothes horse your daughter had hung her own clothes on and take something, and then declare that they were absolutely hers and she wouldnt give them back. There might not have been problems that you've notice but it does seem like the gf is now getting very very comfortable and has no problem just doing what she wants.

The joggers clearly belonged to your dd. You now know for sure that they do given the full circumstances. But your son is only going to "see what his gf says."

Um... it isnt up to her to say anytbung or decide anything. She took the clothes from your daughter's things and refused to give them back. Your son doesnt get to just say "I'll see what she says".

Having someone move into the family home is all well and good, but when they start riding roughshod over the family members then maybe they've gotten a little too comfortable.

This op. Honestly your ds should be ensuring his sister is treated better. You’re treating his gf like a guest and she’s taking advantage of it. She is either a family member and treated as such or she isn’t. I get it’s hard but what is more frustrating is your ds going along with it. It was obvious from the start whose joggers these were… or at the very least who’d been wearing them for a considerable chunk of time unchallenged.

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chesirecat99 · 28/01/2022 12:58

@Itsalmostanaccessory OP says:

But her whole uni got kicked out of their accommodation due to covid and haven’t been allowed to return yet, hence why she’s living at home.

Apparently so, I’ve seen gfs letters telling her she had to leave accommodation by a certain date in March 2020 and again in January 2021 so I know for certain they had been asked to leave and she actually lost part of her student loan because of it, they may have since been allowed to return but ds and gf say they haven’t.

The GF was telling the truth about the halls closing during lockdown but she is claiming that they are still closed so she can't return

Universities were allowed to open on campus from 17 May 2021 although some didn't reopen until September 2021, and some are still continuing with blended learning (some teaching online, some teaching in person) but the halls are open. It's easy for OP to check out whether the halls are open.

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Itsalmostanaccessory · 28/01/2022 12:32

@chesirecat99

As for the uni stuff I don’t have a clue, maybe gf can return now and maybe I have been lied to but she’s hardly a bother being here so I don’t mind.

It's not about whether she is a bother or not though, is it? £150 a month is a lot less than halls or a house share. She lied and manipulated you to be able to get what she wants and to save herself a huge amount of money. It doesn't matter that you would have said yes if she asked to stay, she didn't want to risk you saying no so she told a pretty big lie to manipulate you into getting what she wants.

Very few universities offer accommodation in halls for all 3 years and, even if they do, you have to apply every year to be allocated a room so I would guess it's nothing to do with COVID, she doesn't actually have university accommodation to return to either because she isn't entitled to it or she didn't bother applying last year and decided to lie to be able to stay with you.

Of course, there is the possibility that it was your DS's idea to lie so they could live together. Either way, I would be checking out whether the halls are open and confronting the pair of them if it isn't true it isn't. It's pretty shocking behaviour. I wouldn't want my DS to think it is okay to treat me or anybody like that (if it was his idea). If he didn't know and the GF was lying and manipulating him too, I wouldn't be that sad if confronting her ended their relationship... Think about it. Would you encourage your DS to be in a relationship with someone who had lied to him to get what she wants and use him for cheap accommodation?

Taking the joggers from the airer then wearing them rather than asking about them like she did with the missing socks was pretty manipulative behaviour too. Possession is 9/10ths of the law...

I would be much more concerned if she is lying about the accommodation. Firstly, because you can easily prove whether it is true or not and be 100% sure that it was a deliberate lie, unlike the joggers. Secondly, it is much worse - you could probably write off taking the joggers as immature, teenagerish, spur of the moment behaviour justified by a belief that they might be hers, the whole accommodation lie is a premeditated, long term plan.

Well, it sounds like the halls did close due to covid. Halls around me closed during covid. So she didnt lie or manipulate. She asked if she could move in.

They should be open again now, so it really depends what they discussed at the time. If this was permanent then she had no need to reapply for halls. If they discussed this is temporary whilst halls were closed then the gf should have sorted out accommodation now that things are open again.

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chesirecat99 · 28/01/2022 12:04

As for the uni stuff I don’t have a clue, maybe gf can return now and maybe I have been lied to but she’s hardly a bother being here so I don’t mind.

It's not about whether she is a bother or not though, is it? £150 a month is a lot less than halls or a house share. She lied and manipulated you to be able to get what she wants and to save herself a huge amount of money. It doesn't matter that you would have said yes if she asked to stay, she didn't want to risk you saying no so she told a pretty big lie to manipulate you into getting what she wants.

Very few universities offer accommodation in halls for all 3 years and, even if they do, you have to apply every year to be allocated a room so I would guess it's nothing to do with COVID, she doesn't actually have university accommodation to return to either because she isn't entitled to it or she didn't bother applying last year and decided to lie to be able to stay with you.

Of course, there is the possibility that it was your DS's idea to lie so they could live together. Either way, I would be checking out whether the halls are open and confronting the pair of them if it isn't true it isn't. It's pretty shocking behaviour. I wouldn't want my DS to think it is okay to treat me or anybody like that (if it was his idea). If he didn't know and the GF was lying and manipulating him too, I wouldn't be that sad if confronting her ended their relationship... Think about it. Would you encourage your DS to be in a relationship with someone who had lied to him to get what she wants and use him for cheap accommodation?

Taking the joggers from the airer then wearing them rather than asking about them like she did with the missing socks was pretty manipulative behaviour too. Possession is 9/10ths of the law...

I would be much more concerned if she is lying about the accommodation. Firstly, because you can easily prove whether it is true or not and be 100% sure that it was a deliberate lie, unlike the joggers. Secondly, it is much worse - you could probably write off taking the joggers as immature, teenagerish, spur of the moment behaviour justified by a belief that they might be hers, the whole accommodation lie is a premeditated, long term plan.

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sanbeiji · 28/01/2022 11:47

@HazelBite

I've just read all the way through this thread and can't believe the grief the OP has got for "housing" her son's girlfriend.
One of my Ds's had his girlfriend living with us for 6 years until they moved out into their own place. It wasn't a problem for any of us, we all got on, we all lived together quite amicably, and we, ie. me and the girlfriend are now very close.
I'm sure if I reveal on Mumsnet that she also lived here rent free I will be flamed for being a pushover!

I'll admit I am a bit overinvested but the issue isn't really the GF staying over. Anybody can house anybody they want.

It's that the OP lives paycheck to paycheck.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, since they all buy their own food. Maybe OP had a big bill that made her short this month. Maybe because it's post Christmas.

But with 3 working adults nobody in the house should be short of money ... waiting for payday..

anyway i probs dont know enough

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HazelBite · 28/01/2022 11:16

I've just read all the way through this thread and can't believe the grief the OP has got for "housing" her son's girlfriend.
One of my Ds's had his girlfriend living with us for 6 years until they moved out into their own place. It wasn't a problem for any of us, we all got on, we all lived together quite amicably, and we, ie. me and the girlfriend are now very close.
I'm sure if I reveal on Mumsnet that she also lived here rent free I will be flamed for being a pushover!

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sanbeiji · 28/01/2022 10:56

@Crimesean

The joggers clearly belonged to your dd. You now know for sure that they do given the full circumstances. But your son is only going to "see what his gf says."

Um... it isnt up to her to say anytbung or decide anything. She took the clothes from your daughter's things and refused to give them back. Your son doesnt get to just say "I'll see what she says".

This. GF has almost certainly lost her own and has stolen DD's. That's unacceptable. Please stick up for your DD!

This.
However lovely she is, GF has been sneaky.
You can't trust her anymore.
Especially since she'd been out on NYE and got home drunk.., CLEARLY lost her pair.

Turning out drawers etc was a sham of course if she'd lost them elsewhere that wouldn't prove anything.

She needs to apologise to your DD and make it up to her.

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Crimesean · 28/01/2022 10:53

The joggers clearly belonged to your dd. You now know for sure that they do given the full circumstances. But your son is only going to "see what his gf says."

Um... it isnt up to her to say anytbung or decide anything. She took the clothes from your daughter's things and refused to give them back. Your son doesnt get to just say "I'll see what she says".

This. GF has almost certainly lost her own and has stolen DD's. That's unacceptable. Please stick up for your DD!

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To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!