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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How many of you have had an encounter like this with a man??

211 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/01/2022 13:58

Video in twitter thread linked.
It's a man being fucking EXTREMELY creepy to a 17 yr old girl who's just trying to shop in a thrift store.

I'm betting it's most of us, right?
My first one was when I was 10- FUCKING TEN!
Creepy ice cream man asking all sorts of inappropriate questions, leering at me and asking if I was alone and where my parents were.
Then basically just continued.

I can't even count the amount of interactions like this I had when I was younger.

This is so, so relatable it's painful.

It actually made me feel sick watching, all the fear, panic and not knowing how to get out of it, the fear that if you simply tell them to fuck off or something that they will get aggressive or worse, stalk you when you get out.

Serious serial killer vibes as well trying to get her to come work on his fucking remote property, someone get the sniffer dogs out there.

For fuck sake.

Video here

AIBU to think this is just normal life for so many girls and women?
And AIBU to think why the fuck can't we get this fucking sorted in 2022??

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/01/2022 14:03

Should add that the video is literally just a girl in a thrift shop, being approached by a fucking weirdo man, nothing outwardly frightening or whatever, he doesn't expose himself or anything (in case you are worried about clicking), but the whole vibe of it is something I really, really relate to and is terrifying in it's own way and that I really recognize sadly.

Just all the time, the stress, the fear, the not knowing what to do for the best.

Uuuurrrgghh

OP posts:
katienana · 27/01/2022 14:05

That is extremely creepy and yes I have had lots of interactions like this. There's nothing wrong with approaching someone but ffs back off when it is not wanted!

waterlego · 27/01/2022 14:12

Urgh. I felt really tense watching that. I just wanted him to FUCK OFF. Clearly she did too but had to maintain the polite facade in case he was about to tip into aggression and violence.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/01/2022 14:16

I'm starting to think all men should be fucking tagged at birth tbh. And I say that as a mother of a son.

It's fucking relentless.

It makes me soo fucking angry.

Why can't a girl/woman just fucking shop/eat/travel/simply exist in the world without this shit.

Why??!!

OP posts:
IlIlI · 27/01/2022 14:17

I'm under the impression that it's practically any female. I don't think I know anybody who can say it has never ever happened. The most disgusting horrible part is that for teenage girls because it's so common so many of them see it as just part of life and just accept it as something they have to deal with in life like doing laundry or grocery shopping. These types of men don't care and I'm pretty sure some of them even enjoy the fact it makes women/girls uncomfortable or scared.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/01/2022 14:19

Oh fully expect to be flamed for the last post, but I don't care.

I KNOW NAMALT, but even the supposedly nice guys always seem to turn out to be arseholes in one way or another.

I am so angry that girls still have to put up with this.

OP posts:
Socialcarenope · 27/01/2022 15:11

Yanbu.

(Some) men will say "how are we supposed to start a conversation with women if we aren't even allowed to talk to them" and I can, sort of, see their point BUT the answer is surely to wait until they talk to you, or they give that inviting smile. I believe most people can tell if someone is open to conversation.

waterlego · 27/01/2022 15:32

@Socialcarenope

Yanbu.

(Some) men will say "how are we supposed to start a conversation with women if we aren't even allowed to talk to them" and I can, sort of, see their point BUT the answer is surely to wait until they talk to you, or they give that inviting smile. I believe most people can tell if someone is open to conversation.

Agree. The man in this video is either too stupid to realise that the woman is trying to get rid of him, or worse, he realises and doesn’t care.
waterlego · 27/01/2022 15:34

She quite clearly tried to shut down his attempts at conversation. My feeling is that he saw and understood those boundaries but felt entitled to try to erode them. The arrogance and entitlement of it is absolutely staggering.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/01/2022 15:40

It's just gross.
I'm sick of the way men treat women and girls.

Imagine if she'd been vulnerable and had been scared and out of fright agreed to go with him to help him with that "job"??
I literally dread to think what would happen.

I was a vulnerable teen for a bunch of reasons and got taken advantage of a fucking lot as a result.
Including things that I now know with hindsight were very very bad.

What do we do?!

OP posts:
EdinaMonsoon · 27/01/2022 15:45

It gives me the rage how she's having to do that thing we all do as women in the same situation: staying polite to avoid escalation of what is already an uncomfortable situation. I despair at how much are ability to navigate our own fucking lives and experience of the world is dictated by men.

lljkk · 27/01/2022 15:54

I didn't find it outrageous situation.
She easily handled it.
He's really sad & lacks social skills.

WhyYesYABU · 27/01/2022 15:58

@EdinaMonsoon

It gives me the rage how she's having to do that thing we all do as women in the same situation: staying polite to avoid escalation of what is already an uncomfortable situation. I despair at how much are ability to navigate our own fucking lives and experience of the world is dictated by men.
Agree with this entirely. Why do we have to apologise for not wanting to have our day interrupted for fear of retaliation. We should just be able to say 'I'm not interested, leave me alone' and that be that. Actually, no, we should be able to go about our daily lives without being approached. Men shouldn't approach random women. Its intimidating. Use Tinder, get a hobby, ask friends to set you up...but don't approach women in the street.
WhyYesYABU · 27/01/2022 16:00

@lljkk

I didn't find it outrageous situation. She easily handled it. He's really sad & lacks social skills.
She's 17. Anyone less savvy might've ended up helping him out in the country. She said she was 17 and he's trying to get her to his place to 'work for him'. Do you not find that even a little bit shady?
dipdye · 27/01/2022 16:01

Dunno about NAMALT

I'd say AMALT instead

Calennig · 27/01/2022 16:09

Sadly very common experience - and with two teen grils I really wish it wasn't.

Though I'd say while it gets less with age I also think it morphs - there's still an expectation that you listen to random man talk crap at you but it more sort of mothering rather than sexual overtones - equally as annoying - MIL and DMum still get it - and the leave me alone cues are equally ignored.

HopefulProcrastinator · 27/01/2022 16:11

@lljkk

I didn't find it outrageous situation. She easily handled it. He's really sad & lacks social skills.
He's easily twice her age. He has no business trying to get her attention in the first place. This wasn't an innocent, natural conversation. He purposefully approached her with the intent of getting her to agree to something in his favour.

She handled it well, but you have absolutely no idea if it was 'easy' for her to do or not distressing.

something2say · 27/01/2022 16:12

Spread the word about a book called The Gift of Fear.

It will explain how predatory males manipulate people.

PatriotCanes · 27/01/2022 16:13

newsletter.carolinecriadoperez.com/issues/invisible-women-should-you-speak-to-a-stranger-on-a-train-997112

Covered here - someone did a study about how "people" talking to random strangers in public can make "people" feel more connected. Not most women - they've had a lifetime of creeps.

Frazzlerock · 27/01/2022 16:13

yuck that's horrid. What a creep!
I've never experienced anything like that myself but I've always had a resting bitch face so that's helped.

CSIblonde · 27/01/2022 16:13

I think it depends where you live. In a large rural town it only ever happened to me occasionally. Now I'm in a city if I take my friends 15 year old shopping with me we get followed home every bloody time by a certain type who don't work but hang around the High Street all day & night. They invite her to erm, 'visit' with them. She looks her age, doesn't wear makeup & is v young emotionally for her age too. They are all late 20's. My death stare doesn't work, but threatening to take their photo does. I'm a 6ft tall ex teacher whose taught in v, v grim areas so that might help. They usually depart with a bit of muttered effing & blinding after that.

Redbeanpasta · 27/01/2022 16:14

Predatory men like this rely on young women feeling like they have to be nice.

Been there unfortunately, got that creepy t-shirt. He's a creep and he knew exactly what he was doing with his bullshit predatory patter.

Ohyesiam · 27/01/2022 16:20

I’m getting my 17 year old dd self defence lessons. She already does martial arts to quite a high level, but she finds it “ awkward” to not be compliant to at least some degree. And she is one of the most confident people I know , so how is it for the ones with low self esteem? 😔

LadyDanburysHat · 27/01/2022 16:22

That video is truly awful, and sadly I doubt I know a single woman who hasn't experienced the same.

Svadhyaya · 27/01/2022 16:22

It's absolutely horrid. I have had more experiences like this than I can even think of off the top of my head. The worst bit is that when I was younger I didn't even realise that there was anything wrong with it - it was just the accepted thing that you'd get unwanted male attention and you were seen as a bit stuck up for rejecting it. I am in my 40s now and I have absolutely NO tolerance for it now. Any man who leers at me or who harasses me gets reported.

My daughter is TEN and has begun to experience this already. Needless to say I'm teaching her very explicitly about her own boundaries and again will go to the relevant authorities whenever we need to. It makes me so upset as I would have hoped things would have changed for this next generation.