To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

I don't suppose ex-MIL bothered to inquire how DD was, as any normal grandmother would do?

I would be laying out the facts to her, and suggest that she take it up with your exH. And strongly pointing out that it has nothing to do with you "wanting a break". She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Well, I can see who your ex inherited his winning personality from.

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Yes, OP and her DD were lucky that so little contact was ordered - so often SS threaten to remove a child/ren if the woman doesn’t leave, then she leaves and the DC are then ordered by family court to have 50/50 because Dad was “only violent to Mum”

Disgraceful isn't it?

It's a fascinating insight into how some men become so entitled. He's clearly her prince who can do no wrong. And when he's demonstrably in the wrong, she twists it to blame his victim. Unbelievable.

It's a perfect message you composed. Don't let ex-MiL guilt trip you. Keep batting responsibility back to where it belongs, her useless son.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

Please can you let us know what she responds?
As per usual, I'm way overinvested.

You don't want to know what I'd bloody say to her.

@Glitterygreen

Yeah I agree with others, I'd go back saying:

"Sorry to hear re EX-FIL, hope he is doing OK. As ExH knows, I test DD every day and twice in the run-up to her contact with him as I know he brings her to yours. She tested negative each time in the run-up so thought all was fine.
However, there will always be a risk as she is at school and lateral flows don't pick up infection immediately, so it would really be better for ExH to take her back to his own home rather than bringing her to you and FIL every time. I can't influence him in this as you know, but if you ask him I'm sure he'll agree."

It's not your fault, the risk will always be there when a child is attending school at the moment. Ex MIL is probs just panicking but hopefully this will make her see sense.

This is clear and non-confrontational. It sounds as if you still have the occasional court issues to deal with. Although the judges dont seem to ever read any of the correspondence, best to keep it polite.

“I think you must have meant this message for Paul, since he brought DD to you after receiving the school’s message. I mostly agree but do think it’s a bit harsh on him; he is not used to taking care of her without your help.”

Ok, glad you didn’t send anything like that.

@LongDarkTeatime

How about “Dear ex-MiL, Thank you for bringing this serious issue up. As you know ex-H receives all communications from DD school and was fully aware for both the possible covid contacts and your vulnerability. Did he expose you to this risk? I can understand why you would be unhappy with him doing this. If so please feel free to suggest his contact can be elsewhere. As you know the judge did not specify location, just time and frequency.”

Love this

Did she reply op? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it!

@Willyoujustbequiet

I'm so done with the bar being set so low for men.

Give her both barrels for enabling a deadbeat.

Couldn't agree more - and the MIL's always come for the daughter when we're the ones doing all of the hard work in the majority cases.

@Glitterygreen

Yeah I agree with others, I'd go back saying:

"Sorry to hear re EX-FIL, hope he is doing OK. As ExH knows, I test DD every day and twice in the run-up to her contact with him as I know he brings her to yours. She tested negative each time in the run-up so thought all was fine.
However, there will always be a risk as she is at school and lateral flows don't pick up infection immediately, so it would really be better for ExH to take her back to his own home rather than bringing her to you and FIL every time. I can't influence him in this as you know, but if you ask him I'm sure he'll agree."

It's not your fault, the risk will always be there when a child is attending school at the moment. Ex MIL is probs just panicking but hopefully this will make her see sense.

I don't agree. At all costs you should avoid JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). You don't have to defend yourself to these rude people and in any case it's a waste of time, breath and energy: you're just giving them ammunition to attack you further.

I'd send a brief but dignified response in as few words as possible: 'Take this up with your son'. Then disengage. If they continue to harass you, block them.

As the old saying goes, you can't argue with stupid.

Sorry - didn't RTFT. Seen you've already responded. That's pretty non-committal and hasn't risen to her bait. Your answer's clear enough and I'd now stop responding.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive I'm not unsympathetic to her, but it's always me she blames. It's my fault me and ExH split (even though he was violent and I was told to either leave or lose DD - according to Ex-MIL its not ExHs fault I provoked him), it's my fault he has so little contact (I follow the court order, ExH took me to court, I actually offered more contact than he was awarded in court but according to Ex-MIL DD should be with her dad), its my fault DD goes to the school near me (even though their choice was impractical, I'd have compromised on one between the two of us but they wanted their choice with no compromise) and it's now my fault that Ex-FIL has covid (even though I did everything I was asked to).

I get that and believe me I had a very difficult MIL, I just think keep it calm for now, I'm sure you would feel awful if you got into a battle with her and exFIL ends up seriously ill or worse. Your reply was great, you didn't go for anything nasty, it was factual and straightforward. You did the right thing not to get wound up with some of the suggestions on here.

I'm thinking of you long term as much as her short term when I say sit on your anger for a week and if he's OK and you're angry let rip then.

Hope your little girl is doing OK.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive Any response!

@diddl it really fucking is. My abusive ex met DD once as a newborn, feigned internet in front of his mother then never bothered again. She’s 6 now and the thought of him going anywhere near her, even heavily supervised is enough to give me a panic attack. He abandoned her because to him, that’s the worst thing he could possibly do to me. Nope, the best. However he always went for maximum cruelty so I wasn’t surprised. His mother visited DD once more than never again.

His drinking was my fault, despite the fact it came to light he’d been like it for years and everyone covered it up for him. His controlling of me was my fault because I had so many (3) male friends - not that it matters, but they are family friends I’ve known since I was a child and are like brothers to me. Him spending all our money on alcohol and fuck knows what else was my fault too, because I earned more than him which emasculated him.

All from his mother.

So I can well believe what OPs exMIL is like.

Sorry did say in my OP that my DD also has covid, she's worse at night so had to deal with her then went to bed myself once she was settled.

Reply was "Of course, always someone else's fault with you isn't it?"

I haven't replied, I ain't got time for more of their games when I've got a child to raise.

I didn't bring up the keeping her longer in court because that was what I and my solicitor originally offered and I've been told if he went back now thats the minimum time he'd get so it's not worth getting upset about something that would happen anyway. If he thinks it's bothering me he'd do it more or keep her even longer to bother me, if I shrug and say ok, he thinks it doesn't bother me so can't use it to control me.

I think your reply was perfect .

You'll never win with someone like her.

I must be so tempting o want to respond and defend yourself but there's no point. If you were to, something short and factual like 'I, rightly, have no say in what your son does with dd on contact time. Please take this up with him.

Seriously I would block her.

Of course she had responded aggressively. She always will. She is enjoying it.

Block her.

Your ex MIL is so far in denial she believes her own bollox.

She is fully aware that her feckless son is to blame, she just would rather believe you are to blame because it makes her life more comfortable.

Do not waste a single additional minute on their shit. You will never convince her to outwardly admit its her sons failings that have led to this!

I hope your DD feels okay.