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AIBU?

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Original poster

To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

310 replies

Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 13:58

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

OP posts:
affairsofdragons · 28/01/2022 16:24

Block them.

And ask your solicitor to send them a cease & desist letter about contacting you in future. They can contact your solicitor if they feel the urge to contact you directly.

crosstalk · 28/01/2022 16:26

I would screenshot/save everything your PILs have and will send and your responses.

And any records you have of their desire to have her move primary schools to meet their needs.

And this page. You are not the one making unpleasant comments about your exH or exPILs apart from factual statements about what is apparently going on and history.

CharbetHallmark · 28/01/2022 16:32

Another one for blocking her!

Allpenguinsarepingus · 28/01/2022 16:39

OP you’re doing the right thing ignoring her final text. You’ve given her all the facts now, very calmly I might add. Her reply adds no new information and does not ask any kind of question. She’s just generally being nasty with no attempt to tie it to any action of yours whatsoever. Any response would just show her she’s hit a nerve.

trunktoes · 28/01/2022 16:41

I would block

Gizacluethen · 28/01/2022 16:44

Block her. There's no reason for her to contact you at all. Anything she wants to discuss she can talk to her son about.
"Always someone else's fault"? Nope just your sons who actually brought her to your house. What a joke.

unname · 28/01/2022 17:08

It’s interesting that she views this arrangement as you sending your DD to her, rather than being about her adult son spending time with his child.

Her own son can’t even be bothered to protect her from covid. Maybe she insults you in an attempt to have some power and to be relevant in the world to someone.

I would not block her as long as your DD spends time at her house. I would just focus on sifting through any messages she sends for ones that have relevance to your daughter and her care.

PinkPanther27 · 28/01/2022 17:35

Absolutely YANBU and in your few short paragraphs I can see why he is your ex.
I can't believe someone actually voted YABU to this! Do whatever is best for you and your daughter, these people are adults and need to take responsibility for themselves, the apple clearly didn't fall too far from the tree.

Amybelle88 · 28/01/2022 17:38

One cheeky cheeky fucker she is!! I’d absolutely tear into her! I appreciate the women who say stay calm etc and fully understand that your way is best, I just wish I had the strength to do the same!

pictish · 28/01/2022 17:40

“You’re not a stupid woman Shona. I imagine that deep down you are well aware of Simon’s failings as a husband and father. I assume it’s pride that won’t allow you to acknowledge them. That, or you are genuinely deluded.
Either way, I’m not putting up with it. From this point on, contact with you regarding (daughter) will only be through Simon. You can stew in your misplaced fury with your irresponsible son. My quality of life has improved exponentially without him in it and I won’t miss this bullshit from you either.”

Send that. Then block her. Get the last word. Get the last word!!

lemonsorbetinthesun · 28/01/2022 17:42

“Unfortunately it’s your DS that doesn’t appear to care about your health. It would be difficult for me to overstate how much I don’t care what your opinion of me is. Thank you for texting me with evidence that your DS is irresponsible”

anditmakesmesmile · 28/01/2022 17:52

the question is whether you were being unreasonable to remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting. Ultimately your ex-MiL is a nasty piece of work, in her own right. Keep the son out of your argument... her view, many people's view, would be "well, she would say that, about her ex". I would address her nastiness head on.

Alicenwonderland · 28/01/2022 17:57

Well done for a calm, measured response. Going forward I would only correspond with ex. There is absolutely no need for her to be messaging you and you are well within your rights to block her. I would be tackling the late drop offs too. Every time he's late (even by 10 minutes) you need to message asking where they are. Keep messaging until she's back. Keep a record of this as he is breaching a court order and this is taken seriously if it ends up back in court. At the moment you will be seen to be allowing extra contact and if he takes it back to court he'll say you were happy with her staying with him longer. If he took it back to court there is a good chance he'll get lots more contact unless there are major safeguarding concerns. This is from a women who's been taken back to court 3 times in 4 years by my abusive ex and he's got more contact every time. 😔 Try and do everything via email and everytime you write an email, imagine it being read by a judge. I know it's tempting to go at him with both barrels but it really doesn't go down well.

Scianel · 28/01/2022 17:57

You can see why her son is like he is, can't you? Bunch of horrors.

3peassuit · 28/01/2022 18:00

She sounds like someone who always has to have the last word. There is no need to speak to her again, block her to avoid future drama.

Dragonsmother · 28/01/2022 18:02

ExMil is toxic.
Is there a chance you can tell her to not contact you and any contact is through Ex?
I would also respond to her:

Thank you for the text message. Your unnecessary behaviour towards me is unacceptable and inappropriate. I now politely ask that you don’t contact me. I will be raising your appalling messages with my solicitor for discussion in any future child contact meetings”

Original poster
Negative12hoursthenPositive · 28/01/2022 18:14

@Alicenwonderland

Well done for a calm, measured response. Going forward I would only correspond with ex. There is absolutely no need for her to be messaging you and you are well within your rights to block her. I would be tackling the late drop offs too. Every time he's late (even by 10 minutes) you need to message asking where they are. Keep messaging until she's back. Keep a record of this as he is breaching a court order and this is taken seriously if it ends up back in court. At the moment you will be seen to be allowing extra contact and if he takes it back to court he'll say you were happy with her staying with him longer. If he took it back to court there is a good chance he'll get lots more contact unless there are major safeguarding concerns. This is from a women who's been taken back to court 3 times in 4 years by my abusive ex and he's got more contact every time. 😔 Try and do everything via email and everytime you write an email, imagine it being read by a judge. I know it's tempting to go at him with both barrels but it really doesn't go down well.
@Alicenwonderland I'm not actually bothered by the extra 6 hours or so, it still doesn't add up to a lot of contact over the course of a year especially when you take into account that DD sleeps for at least 10 of the hours she's with ExH.
OP posts:
Welshgal85 · 28/01/2022 18:26

Well done for staying so calm OP, not sure I would have been able to!
I’d be so tempted to reply to her last message saying ‘and of course you can never accept that the issue may be with your DS and not me? If you have an issue with where your DS takes DD during his contact time then take it up with him. It’s his responsibility not mine. Goodbye’ then block.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 28/01/2022 18:32

I'd have to respond to the "it's always someone else's fault with you, isn't it?"

"Just as it's never your son's fault with you, is it? How convenient. Please direct any future concerns regarding where DD spends her contact time to your son in the future, I'm blocking this number."

I also agree with the PP who says to be stricter about drop off times.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 28/01/2022 18:33

@Dragonsmother

ExMil is toxic. Is there a chance you can tell her to not contact you and any contact is through Ex? I would also respond to her:

Thank you for the text message. Your unnecessary behaviour towards me is unacceptable and inappropriate. I now politely ask that you don’t contact me. I will be raising your appalling messages with my solicitor for discussion in any future child contact meetings”

Yeah, actually I'd probably do this!
Lifethroughlenses · 28/01/2022 18:50

@PinkArt is spot on. Reply in an unemotional factual way and keep both texts. Otherwise do not give it any ounce more of your energy. Do not allow her to provoke you into anything that might get used against you.

sweetbutapshyco · 28/01/2022 18:51

Why are you not blocking her?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2022 18:53

Block the toxic bitch. Easy to see where your ex gets his attitude from....the apple didnt fall far from the tree did it?

Pallisers · 28/01/2022 19:12

just block her. you can't win with people who live in an alternative reality.

the apple didn't fall far from her tree did it?

Rizzoli123 · 28/01/2022 19:18

I'd go at her all guns blazing. She can't prove where it has some from. He could of picked it up when shopping or from talking to a neighbour. Her language is out of order.

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