To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

Your reply was very good. Hopefully that will be the end of her nonsense for now!

Ooohhh, this has really got my goat! I would respond with a really arsey message, absolutely pointing out everything that you have said and making them aware that your ex DH was also aware of all the risks. As they themselves are! It was also their decision to have her over. If they didn't want to catch COVID, then their only option was to either hibernate or to meet your daughter outside for a walk in the fresh air. As for suggesting that you are incapable - what an absolute cow! Her response to you alone, to me demonstrates why your ex is your ex, with a mother like that you has failed to teach him any responsibility.

I'm fed up of being the scapegoat with that family. I get she's worried but if she'd asked me politely if I'd tested DD I'd have responded politely.

Then ignore any criticism. Tell them you do not accept the blame for any of their 'issues' or complaints about the situation, and they need to look at their own son for all of it. Note he can't even seem to manage looking after himself when he does have her; he needs their help. They raised him; they should be ashamed of his failures and lack of concern about their health and safety when he is the one in the position to keep them safe.

I’d also tell her not to speak to me that was as she is nothing to do with you she is only your ex’s mother. I have to say that I would also be concerned about how they talk about you with their son in front of your daughter.

Your XH sounds like a right Mummy's Boy. Can't even be with his DD without his mum there too. She sounds quite proprietorial too - his DD's life is something she thinks she has authority or control over. With this mindset, she is likely to go on blaming you for everything because she will refuse to see anything wrong with her DS behaviour.
They want to make you a convenient scapegoat for everything. Your way of dealing with it - distance and polite explanations where necessary (preferably keep a record) are just right. Don't come down to their unreasonable level OP - they sound ridiculous. [drink]

Your last post is so revealing, OP. It sounds as if his mother is a vile DV enabler and is abusing you post-divorce. I’d absolutely block her on phone, text, email etc. she has no right to subject you to her bile, especially after her efforts as a mother. It’s maddening that your DD has to be exposed to these arses.

Thank goodness they are Ex in laws.

TBH I'd just block her. All communication can go via your Ex via Email.

You will never be able to placate her as she isn't reasonable.

Best strategy is JADE, don't justify, argue, defend or explain.

YANBU in the slightest

Just a thought though - this response from MIL is probably coming from a place of fear if FIL is particularly at risk. It’s likely she’s just lashing out as she is terrified and doesn’t know what else to do.

But no, you’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever.

100% agree with the reply above that advises you to respond quite simply telling the old hag to direct her anger in the right direction, which is at her son.
It is not just your responsibility and if he is too useless to read messages, do tests himself or even have DD at his own home by himself for his time with her, that is not your fault or problem.

"according to Ex-MIL its not ExHs fault I provoked him),"

And these shits are allowed to see your daughter.

Beggars belief.

@diddl

"according to Ex-MIL its not ExHs fault I provoked him),"

And these shits are allowed to see your daughter.

Beggars belief.

@diddl Not my choice is it? I knew before going to court I wouldn't stop them seeing her so I went into it knowing they could end up with as much as 50/50 so to have the judge only award a very small amount of contact was a huge win.

Tell the ex pil that omicron takes 3 days from exposure to testing positive. Her father new she had been in contact with a positive case and still chose to have his daughter. He also chose to take her there instead of his own home. It's him they should take it up with. Plus unless they have been isolating from everything who's to say they have not been in contact with someone else that's carrying it. Case rates are super high you could pick it up anywhere.

"Not my choice is it?"

No of course not.

It disgusts me that violent parents have access to their kids.

How about
“Dear ex-MiL,
Thank you for bringing this serious issue up. As you know ex-H receives all communications from DD school and was fully aware for both the possible covid contacts and your vulnerability. Did he expose you to this risk? I can understand why you would be unhappy with him doing this.
If so please feel free to suggest his contact can be elsewhere. As you know the judge did not specify location, just time and frequency.”

Keep it short and factual, dont give her any ammo. Just that you drop DD with her father as per the court order, he is up to date on information from her school and it is his decision if he takes her to his parents. And to not contact you directly again.

Op has already replied!

Op I just wanted to say that you should be very proud of yourself for being so measured and reasonable in the face of so much hostility from your ex and his mum.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a lovely mum and no doubt she will take after you. As she gets older she will be able to evaluate the situation for herself and hopefully neither of you will have to be so involved with these toxic people.

@MissBPotter

There is no way I could ignore such a nasty message! I would send something like the below, this is clearly not your fault!

I am sorry to hear that you have covid in the house. Your son was as aware as me that DD had been at school with a child who tested positive. It is yours and your son’s choice to have contact at your house, despite him having his own home where he could have contact with her. His contact time is not a break for me, it is judge determined. However, thank you for pointing out that I do the vast majority of parenting for DD. Please never imply that I am an unfit parent again or I will be speaking to my solicitor: your anger should be directed at your son who cannot manage his own daughter without the help of his own parents.

Well said

I would keep very careful track of what your ex-mil is saying to your daughter. I would not want her near dd u till ex-fil is better. Not because I think dd will get reinfexted but I would not want dd blamed for ex-fil's illness to the child's face. What the he'll could that do to her!

@Alonelonelyloner

Good grief.

She sent you a ranty text blaming you. Just send her one back saying;

'Hi, sorry you have Covid in the house. I test my daughter daily. I have at no point made the decision to send her into your home. Ever. I kindly suggest you take this up with your feckless son. Regards, Disgruntled EXDIL.

Perfect, except add "feckless son, who has had every bit of information I have, as soon as I have it. He made this decision."

even though he was violent and I was told to either leave or lose DD - according to Ex-MIL its not ExHs fault I provoked him

And then they award him access! How does that make any sense.
Honestly OP you were far too nice in that text.

Great reply..

Although why does he care what school she goes to if she sees them Saturday to Sunday?

Yes, OP and her DD were lucky that so little contact was ordered - so often SS threaten to remove a child/ren if the woman doesn’t leave, then she leaves and the DC are then ordered by family court to have 50/50 because Dad was “only violent to Mum”

@Starlightstarbright1

Great reply..

Although why does he care what school she goes to if she sees them Saturday to Sunday?

It doesn’t, it’s just another attempt to gain back control that he lost when OP left and a way to continue the abuse.