To think it’s ok to do ‘well enough’ at gcse’s

[Laughingstock91]

DS is doing well in school- I don’t know what his predicted grades are yet as he’s in year 9 and the school don’t do predicted gcse grades as they take the (sensible I feel) approach that it predicted grades too early on can cap achievement. I like this approach.

DS is doing well by their markers but gets very stressed by pressure. And the pressure seems to come from the get straight A’s & A* that seems to be hovering about - not from the school nescrssarily- but from an expectation in his peers that anything less is a failure. It drives me nuts! I got 8 GCSE’s grades a-c, did 3 Alevels grades a-c and then went to Uni and got a 2:1. I really want DS to pass his GCSEs and be able to go on and study but I don’t want him to feel ridiculous pressure to try and get straight A grades (or 9’s or whatever the modern day equivalent is.

But is that ok? Am I failing him by not pushing him? A friend with a child in private school where they get pushed to achieve straight A’s thinks I am letting him down but not saying he should aim for that! I just want him to do as well as he can but to not go mad with the stress of it all.

Aibu?

It depends what he wants to do next, realistically.

If he's set his sights on Oxford to study medicine, you need to push him.

If he wants to do an apprenticeship and learn on the job, he'll generally need 5 passes.

He definitely doesn’t want to do medicine at Oxford! He wants to go to Uni (I work at a Uni so I understand the systems) - most unis aren’t that bothered about A grades accross the board at gcse level. I think its more about the stress though - he gets so anxious as if it feels so much pressure at a young age

I wish more parents felt the same as you OP, the pressure on kids is just ridiculous

Yes definitley aim for the highest grade and work accordingly. Agreed GCSEs are just a stepping stone to A levels which inturn will faciliate the degree of your choice (if you want to go down that route)

So taken in context GCSEs are only important to sort out your next educational step. They are not the be-all or end-all of educational acheivements.

In spite of all this, you should still encourage your DS to give his best because it instils a strong work ethic, smart revision tactics, exam practices. I get what you mean but dont let your own experiences colour his. He will start getting that laid-back vibe from you. It is good to be on your toes and feel a bit of pressure about exams. And trust me, it is a good thing to have high-acheiving peers around you than not.

I agree with you, and it worries me sometimes the pressure children internalise you get those top results, back in my day A stars did not exist! My friends elder brother went to Cambridge, unheard of in 90s where I am from. The pressure of Cambridge and his once high profile civil service career has led to long term stints in the Priory and depression. He is now unemployed and very unwell. Better to just bumble along being average and happy in my opinion

Yanbu. I know so many people that fucked up their exams and went on to get the qualifications they needed later on (sometimes much, much later on!). There are so many routes to doing what you want to do with your life, the idea that it all rests on your ability to pass an exam as a teen is ridiculous.

I disagree with pp, if he wants to go to Oxford he’ll need to push himself your job is to support him just as it is if he wants to learn a trade

I removed ds from a private school because he couldn't cope with the stress and there was a danger of him totally failing everything. Dd on the other hand preferred to be pushed to achieve her absolute best.

It really depends on the child. I think they should be encouraged to do their individual best, whatever they can cope with.

You're not failing a child by placing unrealistic pressure on them. Research shows greater success is experienced when the focus in on rewarding effort and motivation over results.
They won't be getting A/A* stuff though it's all 1-9 now.

If your child is working well then the results

Sounds like your approach is the right one to me. There is more to life than exams. While I agree kids should be encouraged to do as well as they can, not achieving straight As is far from failing. Success and happiness in life takes many different paths.

Comparing modern exam results to your own from years ago isn't really appropriate due to the grade inflation.

These days, so many people get top grades (A & A), so it's not the same as 10,20 or 30 years ago when you had to be something special to get that kind of grade. In the sciences for example, the A/A grades can be as low as the 60-70% range.

I always told my DS to aim for 75% in tests, course work, essays, etc., for subjects he was good at, and over 60% for his weaker subjects, certainly never less than 50% in anything at all. He took that to heart and did very well always aiming for a minimum of 50% (including having to work harder/revise more if he started getting close) and being happy with 75%. Sometimes he'd get in the 80's, very rarely in the 90's. He got a string of grade 9 at GCSE and a full house of A* at A level, and that was without stressing himself out to get 90% all the time.

We're a long way from the old days where getting A* grades required 90% plus throughout the course.

My son is 18 and left school now but I so wish I could have a word with my younger self. Thankfully by the time his A levels came around the penny dropped with me on what success looks like for him.

It really depends upon the child. Some are self motivated and some need a rocket under them. I agree with you that too much pressure can make a child buckle under the strain. However too little can also make them not achieve their potential and teenagers really have no idea about adult life yet and need their parents guidance on this. I know of people in my peer group who were not pushed and who spent their twenties and some into their 30s getting qualifications to finally do the careers they always wanted. It’s much easier doing qualifications at school when you’re young. So depending upon the child talk to them and have an expectation that they do the best but that you will love them no matter what the outcome.

There’s a really good book called the chimp paradox which o think has a lot about competing with yourself rather than other people. So, it’s important to try as hard as you can by your own standards, and do as well as you can, by your own standards, and then you can just move on knowing you did the best you could. It’s a combination of knowing that the successful people at 45 are not necessarily those with a string of a*s, but at the same time don’t shut off any future avenues that might need reasonable results.

I think these days I am just going to tell my kids to just do whatever they want to do really, really well (like: an amazing gardener! Or physicist! Or personal trainer! Or MP! Or community activist/worker! Or cake baker!) there are phenomenally successful people in every field. Learning to work hard, have a goal and manage money (in order to be solvent and have the funds to pursue goals) are all important.

I also lost a cousin through suicide during an exam year (A level age, likely to do exceptionally well). There was a lot going on and it wasn't all about exam pressure. But his selective high achieving school completely failed to learn lessons or respond to the stress he exhibited. Children have more to learn about exams and external pressure than doing them or passing them. They are children, teaching them that work done, chores done, fun done and balance achieved is better than perfect work is a lifelong lesson.

They're just a stepping stone to A-levels surely? Once you have A-levels does anyone care what you achieved at GCSE? So from that point of view I will support my Children to do the best they can whilst still enjoying their social lives, their sports and other extracurricular activities. No one has asked to see my A levels since I received my degree. My degree is now far less important than my career experience. I think you're absolutely right.

Failing can be good for people too. This push to get A* is a bit much. I messed up my life a few times then got a 1st and a job in later life because I wanted to not because my parents pushed me to.

I think work steadily, do your best and ignore what everyone else is saying is advice I would give a child who is feeling stressed. It really doesn't matter what everyone else is doing , his results are for him not other people. If he's doing well, and works well at school, then he will be fine, he doesn;t need other people saying 'you have to get A*' (or whatever they get nowadays !)
My Ds didn't do especially well in his GSCEs (he's dyslexic) it hasn;t held him back in the slightest. He actually did very well in his A levels because it was subjects he was interested in.
As you go through the education system the previous steps get less relevant, so as long as he is able to achieve what he needs to go on to the next stage whether that is A levels, university, apprenticeship or whatever he chooses, then that is fine IMO.
I think we put far too much pressure on 16year olds, some thrive on pressure it's true but many kids find it overwhelming. I would just support him in continuing to do his best at school (and it seems he is doing fine)and make sure he has plenty of time to relax and unwind. And ignore what others say.
I think people fixate on what we do at 16 being the most important thing in the world- whereas in fact you have your whole life ahead of you, GCSEs can be retaken if necessary, as can A levels, university can be attended at any time you don't have to go when you are 18/19, and its not for everyone anyway. People tend to catastrophise, but actually your educational life is not over if you don't get A* for your GCSEs, that's just nonsense and makes kids unecessarily anxious.

GCSEs should be pretty irrelevant if he ends up at Uni, but I have always felt that sometimes they may be used by employers as an easy way to slim down a big pile of CVs - give them to a junior person in HR to discard the ones with less than 5 B's (or 3 A's, whatever) - no experience or judgment is required to do that.

Better to come out with D's and their mental health intact IMHO, but there is a middle line which is probably B's and some stress instead of A*'s and serious anxiety.

I agree with Gardeniafleur. I would be pushing him to do the best he can do. That may not be As, it depends on his abilities. I wouldn’t pressure a child to achieve As if that was unrealistic and would involve major stress. But equally I wouldn’t want them coasting and getting Cs and Ds if they could have got As and Bs with a little more effort, as they might regret it later.

Do his GCSE grades affect what he can choose at A level?

All I’d be interested in is if they are working hard and attempting to to the best they can. For most that’s not straight As across the board.
What would not be ok was laziness and apathy.
And yes, to having a basic aim - what Will he need in order to move on to the next step?
I’m not sure I agree in NO pressure at all, cos that’s not real life.

They need 6’s at GCSE to progress to certain A Levels. So although I agree with the sentiment I would try to make sure that they kept their options open by aiming for 6’s as a minimum.

For a child to get a Grade 9, they need to do it themselves. You can't push any child to get better grades than THEY want to.

I always said to my dd (18) I don't care what you get as long as you've put the effort in.
When we got reports the only thing I looked at and focused on was the effort grade.
She consistently produced solid work A/B level but went to pot in exams and ended up with Cs. Although she did do better in her GCSEs and A levels. She faced huge pressure from the school (private) and she panicked at exams worrying about what the teachers would say.
We could see the effort was put in and that was all we cared about, we drummed that into her.
She has said to us since how appreciate she was for our approach and how the pressure was lifted from her and she felt able to do better because she wasn't scared of letting us down. A lot of her friend parents were very pushy and unless it was solid 9s the parents weren't happy with their kids. There was a lot of resentment from the kids towards their parents. It's sad to see really.

They are just a stepping stone to the next stage. And if you get at least a 5 in English and maths that's ace. If the next stage requires grade 9s then that what they need. If it needs 5s in English and maths and 5 passes then that's what they need. By the law of averages mid points is what most kids get. And do fine with!