To ask what we'd put down as our marital status?

[Elsalvador]

With DH for 20 years. Not married and I don't want to turn this a debate about whether we should be or not :)

Looking for life insurance quotes, and the marital status is either married, single, divorced, separated, widowed or civil partnership. None of these fit. What would you put? I don't know whether this affects the premium displayed. Does anyone know? Thanks so much in advance

[quote RobynNora]@Croissantly it doesn’t matter a bit to any of us and isn’t at all ‘weird’ to my mind. I find it weirder that someone would take the time to label other people’s decisions as weird! It literally has no bearing on any of us![/quote]
there's nothing wrong with not being married at all but referring to eachother as you would when married but not being married is odd as there's nought wrong with not! Don't get me wrong I'm not arsed, but surely doing so just reinforces that marriage is the norm when it needn't be.

Surely you’re your OH’s common-law wife if you’ve been living with him that long. As there is no such category though, I suppose you’re going to have to go with single. 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be clear to all, we do NOT pretend to each other that we are married. We use these terms when talking to others who seem not able to accept that after 20 years we are not married! It's a convenient response to avoid the usual questions about why we are not married.

We are not deluded, "idiotic", ashamed or embarrassed.

@Thedogshow thanks. All considered and arrangements in place to deal with IHT. I do agree it's an important thing to consider that many may not.

@Db384792xbfb

By contrast, I say "DP" in real life even though we ARE legally married - we did it just for the legals/financials and told nobody, to avoid drama! Did it mainly with IHT and pensions in mind but then ended up saving much more than the ~£150 it cost us using another marriage related tax break. Hah! Didn't even need any time off - giving notice appointments were done before work, actual marriage done on a Tues or Weds lunch break.

OP you should definitely run the numbers and book an appointment for CP or marriage if it's needed. I've seen enough sudden deaths now to know not to assume all will be OK... You can treat it purely as paperwork and not tell people you know!

That’s exactly what we did, and I’m as likely to called DH ‘DP’ as DH’ as we were together for the best part of 20 years before we married, and it was habit.

Literally the only time I’ve had anyone ask my marital status outside a form-filling situation was an extremely anxious young friend of a friend who was obsessed with not being ‘left on the shelf’, and she blurted it out after ‘Hello’, pretty much. Are you genuinely dealing with questions about your marital status a lot, OP?

I couldn’t give a fuck whether ppl are married or not, it’s entirely up to them

What I do care about is the number of women who do not understand the legal implications of both scenarios

At least once a week on the relationships board there’s a post from a woman saying how they moved in with DP, gave up ft work to care for DC and they think their partner is having an affair & what happens if he leaves because they’re financially dependent on him

Get married, don’t get married but protect yourself

Love the way pps are saying "you're single" as though your long term relationship counts for nothing.

Eh?

This is a legally binding document, and the answer to the question is 'single'.

Legally, their set up doesn't count in some financial circs.

No one has said that being together for 20 years and not married counts for nothing.

You have made that up in your own head.

Single. It's asking for marital status not relationship status.

[quote Elsalvador]@Skeumorph nope, not embarrassed or ashamed. I don't think I come across as that. I've already explained that it's habit because I can't be bothered explaining why we aren't (they do ask as we've been together so long). I make no judgment either way - married or not! I think "lie" is a strong word. Similar to when people ask how you are. I may have had a rubbish day, but I'll often say "Fine! How are you?" because it's easier and perhaps I don't want to talk about my day. Strictly speaking a lie but surely many of us do this? Sorry to disappoint but we definitely have no shame or embarrassment and, equally, we are very supportive of marriage itself but it does not suit us to do it for many reasons I won't go into.[/quote]
Sorry, I do think you come across as that, very much so. It doesn't seem at all like an 'I'm fine' pleasantry, more like telling someone you live in one area when you live in another, or that you have one kind of car instead of another. The kind of lie which changes what you see as your 'status' slightly.

But if you say you do this to avoid endless questions, I will take your word for it!

You’re 100% single, in this context.

Good. As long as all that is considered I think it’s utterly bizarre that anyone today would judge you negatively on this.

@HepzibahGreen

Husband is husband. Partner is partner. One's not morally/socially 'less' than the other... unless you think it is I genuinely don't care what other people think about me. I just hate the word "partner" it sounds too business-like, although I use it sometimes.

I'm with you on this. You can have a tennis partner, a business partner etc. it lacks the implied emotion of boyfriend / girlfriend. But then I can't imagine being 40 and referring to someone as my boyfriend.

So for now partner is the term to use

@LadyGoddiva what I've learnt over 20 years is that people don't accept "we didn't want to" as an answer. I do have an answer but others don't accept it. I've tried to explain but clearly you don't accept my explanation. That's fair enough so we'll leave it there. Life is too short.

You're single.

I don’t care if you marry or not. For lots of mumsnetters they are independently wealthy, own property, high paying job, fully clued up on legal rights.
But most unmarried women aren’t in that position. The OP didn’t know she was legally single despite being in a cohabiting relationship for 20 years and being ‘fully protected.’
As a trainee solicitor we had a women come in who had seen a man had died in local factory accident (was in newspaper) He’d lived with a partner 20 plus years, kids. Woman in office was his wife - they’d married as teens, everyone thought divorced and never had. His wife inherited the lot - I know there was a sizeable death in service payment plus I think a house. I can vividly recall the secretaries being disbelieving. But it was simple. No will your wife inherits. The sort of man who doesn’t get around to a divorce is the sort who doesn’t get around to nominating his work benefits, making a will etc.
CAB has a decent guide. Marry or not but at least know your legal position. My daughter has had half a pshe lesson briefly touching on this in yr10 that’s it.

To be clear to all, we do NOT pretend to each other that we are married. We use these terms when talking to others who seem not able to accept that after 20 years we are not married! It's a convenient response to avoid the usual questions about why we are not married.

Who are these rude people you are talking to who show surprise?
Do you have such an extensive social life that you are constantly having to introduce yourselves as 'Not Mr and Mrs, but...'?

It's bonkers.
No one behaves like that now.
I don't believe anyone is so rude as to ask why you are not married.
Those kind of questions and attitudes died out years ago.

I don't think anyone really gets cross when someone they've never met isn't married, but it is frustrating to read about people who have not considered the legal implications of co-habiting without protection, and not knowing whether the law considers you single does suggest that might be the case.

For the OP, it appears it's not the case, but there is widespread misinformation about the status of cohabiting couples/common-law marriages that can put women (and men, but usually women) in financially and legally vulnerable positions that they may not even be aware of until the worst happens and they have to deal with a heap of admin while grieving.

You see it a lot on here, particularly in the relationships section, where couples do not marry, have children, the woman sacrifices her career to care for them and then finds that she has little legal protection if things go wrong (from a relationship break up to a serious illness or death) and can end up homeless and with grieving children to care for with only minimal state support to rely on. If people seem frustrated, it's often not because marriage is considered a superior state, but because it is a legal arrangement that protects both parties and makes many aspects of managing a family simpler and more cost effective.

@Croissantly Yeah you’re right, but I know people who do this and think it’s just their way of communicating they’re in a serious, committed relationship. Like a shorthand.

Loads of people refer to my other half as a husband and I don’t like the term myself, but can’t usually be bothered to correct! We have kids together and are in a legally recognised civil partnership so it doesn’t feel like a lie by omission or anything. Just it’s easier when people assume marriage as a default for a serious relationship.

FWIW, I find it similarly frustrating when people suggest that long-term cohabiting couples are given the same legal status as married couples precisely because I think there should be protection for those who do NOT want to marry and who want to maintain their status as a separate legal entity from their partner.

[quote Elsalvador]@LadyGoddiva what I've learnt over 20 years is that people don't accept "we didn't want to" as an answer. I do have an answer but others don't accept it. I've tried to explain but clearly you don't accept my explanation. That's fair enough so we'll leave it there. Life is too short.[/quote]
I think you are kidding yourselves about how much people care.

And I don't accept that people quiz you on it. Whoever they are, they must be almost strangers, as you friends and family know the set up.

In real life, how many people are you actually meeting who feel it's appropriate to ask?

And you would rather lie than be honest.
You must be incredibly sensitive to live a 'lie' because of some rude people's attitudes.

I'd change where you mix and who you mix with if those are the kinds of people you encounter.

Do make sure you tell the truth in an insurance application (tell them as soon as you realise if you made a mistake). As a pp said, it needs to be accurate at the time you took it out, but you generally don't need to tell them about changes (with a few exceptions)

Life insurance won't try to get out of paying you (unless it's deliberate fraud) but if you didn't declare something they'll usually calculate what you should have paid and reduce your claim amount to match. And when they investigate your claim they will likely find out anything you didn't tell them (please don't lie about smoking!)

Life assurance premiums generally aren't affected by marital status (unlike car and home insurance) and they just want to know for courtesy when they speak to you and practicalities. But you should still be accurate.

In reply to the pp telling you to get single life rather than joint life: well, it depends what you are insuring against! Joint life will only pay out once (usually, when the first person dies). You might choose this to pay off your mortgage if either of you dies. Single life will pay out for each life - ie if you both die then you get a payout for each. The premiums will obviously reflect that! Do cost it up, especially if you have very different risk profiles (you might find that adding a much less risky life adds very little cost to a policy).

*None of this is advice!

FooKingDong I do accept some people don’t want to marry - perhaps had a bad divorce and vowed never to marry again or feel marriage has got patriarchal baggage.
If you are actually living in a partnership I can’t understand how you could have objections a civil partnership recognising it. Just curious why people in long term cohabiting relationships don’t.

For the OP, it appears it's not the case

We don’t know that for sure, if she has taken legal advice as she claims then surely she’d know that legally she’s single. Even if she’s got a cohabitation agreement, if she’s not aware of her legal she may not have considered wills and next of kin rights.

legal status ^

But most unmarried women aren’t in that position. The OP didn’t know she was legally single despite being in a cohabiting relationship for 20 years and being ‘fully protected.’

Exactly.

I totally get that no one should marry if they don't want to and shouldn't bow to social pressure to legitimise their relationship.

However, you could end up paying a shit load of inheritance tax. There's no way around that. It's the main reason a lot of my 50 something friends are getting married or a CP. Why give away your hard earned money?