Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To ask what we'd put down as our marital status?

254 replies

Elsalvador · 27/01/2022 11:49

With DH for 20 years. Not married and I don't want to turn this a debate about whether we should be or not :)

Looking for life insurance quotes, and the marital status is either married, single, divorced, separated, widowed or civil partnership. None of these fit. What would you put? I don't know whether this affects the premium displayed. Does anyone know? Thanks so much in advance

OP posts:

HepzibahGreen · 27/01/2022 13:44

Oooohh!! Some MNetters get VERY cross when a woman doesn't get married!
How very dare you claim a husband without actually shackling yourself to a man LEGALLY OP
There are circumstances where it does not benefit a woman to marry. It's not the case for absolutely all women that not getting a ring on it leaves them destitute!
I sometimes refer to him indoors as my husband. I feel too old for a boyfriend, and he is way more than that. He's like my family and feels like a husband not a boyfriend. The upside to my terrible lie is that, if it all goes tits up, which 50% of marriages do, I don't have to suffer a costly divorce.
On forms I never know whether to put Divorced or Single, as I have been divorced much longer than I was married!
It wouldn't suit me to marry at the moment, and my life insurance has named beneficiaries.
People have all sorts of reasons they don't want to, or need to get married. I can't quite understand why it would make anyone really angry though?!

polavary · 27/01/2022 13:47

You’re single

StevieNicksscarf · 27/01/2022 13:47

@HepzibahGreen - haha!! Exactly my thoughts. I think they get so angry because it questions the idea that marriage is the ultimate achievement, which is quite depressing in the 21st century IMHO.

HepzibahGreen · 27/01/2022 13:47

StevieNicks I x posted with you, and agree, it's very much disdain from those who seem to reinforce the idea that having a husband somehow makes you superior.
It really doesn't. I had a husband, it wasn't all that..

Skeumorph · 27/01/2022 13:48

@HepzibahGreen

Oooohh!! Some MNetters get VERY cross when a woman doesn't get married! How very dare you claim a husband without actually shackling yourself to a man LEGALLY OP

There are circumstances where it does not benefit a woman to marry. It's not the case for absolutely all women that not getting a ring on it leaves them destitute! I sometimes refer to him indoors as my husband. I feel too old for a boyfriend, and he is way more than that. He's like my family and feels like a husband not a boyfriend. The upside to my terrible lie is that, if it all goes tits up, which 50% of marriages do, I don't have to suffer a costly divorce. On forms I never know whether to put Divorced or Single, as I have been divorced much longer than I was married! It wouldn't suit me to marry at the moment, and my life insurance has named beneficiaries. People have all sorts of reasons they don't want to, or need to get married. I can't quite understand why it would make anyone really angry though?!

Hahahahaha

Love this.

Own it baby - if you're so feisty about it all, you won't have a problem with telling it like it is eh? Husband is husband. Partner is partner. One's not morally/socially 'less' than the other... unless you think it is

Original poster

Elsalvador · 27/01/2022 13:49

@wishmyhousetidy thanks . Yes, i think i may have made some posters cross! Definitely not ashamed or embarrassed and my DP also calls me his wife (same reasons, to avoid the usual questions).

OP posts:

PrincessNikla · 27/01/2022 13:49

@ViaGellia
If the dm (in this scenario) had not created a new will after getting married, then her estate would go to the dh.

The person who missed out on the bereavement payment for widow/ers missed out as they were not married. If you don't want to marry, that's fine, but don't expect the same rights as married people. You can't stumble into marriage, you make a choice, no one is stopping you (normally)

Whadda · 27/01/2022 13:50

I don’t understand your confusion either.

You’ve chosen to stay single. Therefore, you’re single.

TatianaBis · 27/01/2022 13:50

No-one gives a fuck whether she’s married not, but to not know your own legal status is bizarre.

The sheer volume of women who haven’t bothered to research the legal implications of cohabitation and end up with legal and financial disaster is mind-boggling.

HepzibahGreen · 27/01/2022 13:52

Husband is husband. Partner is partner. One's not morally/socially 'less' than the other... unless you think it is
I genuinely don't care what other people think about me. I just hate the word "partner" it sounds too business-like, although I use it sometimes.

Skeumorph · 27/01/2022 13:55

Yes but don't you see that it's you making that judgement?

How ridiculous, in the 21st century, to feel you have to refer to your partner as a wife or husband to make some kind of grade, when you clearly have a firm belief in the very true observation that no, marriage ISN'T for everyone and ISN'T the be all and end all, and ISN'T financially the best decision for everyone?

Like I said, I've lots of long term couple friends who are not married. They say 'partner'. Because they don't have some really old-fashioned, coy notion that they won't be taken as seriously as a couple/unit without pretending they're married. And no, there are no 'usual questions' because - like I said, it's the 21st century.

Of course you come across as ashamed and embarrassed, it's a nutso thing to tell a lie about - you'd look idiotic if someone asked something random like so where did you get married and you had to say 'Oh we're not married, I just feel married so I pretend I am

Original poster

Elsalvador · 27/01/2022 13:56

@HepzibahGreen thank you. Agree with everything you say. Thanks for getting it!

@Skeumorph I do own it. For friends and family who know us, I say partner or other half. Everyone else, DH because 9 times out of 10, people want me to explain why we are not married and then try to convince us to do it. I think this thread proves my point that it's often (not always) others/society that has issues with us not being married. We definitely do own it.

Live and let live I say.

OP posts:

Gilly12345 · 27/01/2022 13:57

Err obviously single as you have not married each other, also why refer to him as DH when you are not married?

StevieNicksscarf · 27/01/2022 13:57

@HepzibahGreen - agree with you again I'm not a fan of Partner either. Might have to come up with a new term of endearment.

Quite fancy introducing DP as "the love of my life" or "the source of all my pleasure", or possibly the "one whose pants I wash", depending on the audience and day of the week . MN might have to come up with new acronyms though ...

RobynNora · 27/01/2022 13:58

Why do people care if she refers to her husband? Husband is an old English word meaning ‘house holder’ rather than spouse anyway.

Skeumorph · 27/01/2022 13:58

@HepzibahGreen

Husband is husband. Partner is partner. One's not morally/socially 'less' than the other... unless you think it is I genuinely don't care what other people think about me. I just hate the word "partner" it sounds too business-like, although I use it sometimes.

But it's not though, is it? Partner is a totally familiar and accepted word for unmarried... um, partner.

If you're at the point where you pretend you are married, rather than simply calling someone your partner because that's what they are, then yes, you absolutely do care very much what other people think of you, and show that you yourself think somehow that being married makes you 'better'. Which is pretty sad! Someone upthread said it - it's a decision not to get married, own it.

Xenia · 27/01/2022 13:59

Of those option single is the only correct one. Single living with partner would be better.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 13:59

I'm not being a "smug married" but there's no point having terms for things if they get misused. Just own the boyfriend/partner/life companion term

Thedogshow · 27/01/2022 14:00

I haven’t read the thread so apologies if you’ve addressed this. And I’m sorry if this is really patronising and rude: but do you know that if one of you were to die and you are not legally married then you have to pay inheritance tax when you inherit from the other? If you are legally married then there is no inheritance tax.

I guess you know this! No judgement at all on your marital status and sorry for being morbid it’s just something that can happen so unexpectedly and suddenly occasionally and people are not always aware of this issue.

Croissantly · 27/01/2022 14:00

Does seem weird to refer to eachother as husband and wife when you aren't, not that it really matters!

Original poster

Elsalvador · 27/01/2022 14:02

@Skeumorph nope, not embarrassed or ashamed. I don't think I come across as that. I've already explained that it's habit because I can't be bothered explaining why we aren't (they do ask as we've been together so long). I make no judgment either way - married or not! I think "lie" is a strong word. Similar to when people ask how you are. I may have had a rubbish day, but I'll often say "Fine! How are you?" because it's easier and perhaps I don't want to talk about my day. Strictly speaking a lie but surely many of us do this? Sorry to disappoint but we definitely have no shame or embarrassment and, equally, we are very supportive of marriage itself but it does not suit us to do it for many reasons I won't go into.

OP posts:

RobynNora · 27/01/2022 14:03

@Croissantly it doesn’t matter a bit to any of us and isn’t at all ‘weird’ to my mind. I find it weirder that someone would take the time to label other people’s decisions as weird! It literally has no bearing on any of us!

HepzibahGreen · 27/01/2022 14:04

I think this thread proves my point that it's often (not always) others/society that has issues with us not being married

It really really does!

Hunderland · 27/01/2022 14:06

As you know you get far fewer rights being unmarried with twenty years' together than someone who's been married six months. Even with financial steps in place you may not be seen as a husband / wife would and this would really worry me at pension / retirement age or when one of you dies.

I mean, you might be 35 and this all very far off but assuming you're older, it would be a great shame to not have the same decision making authority that you would be afforded as Mr or Mrs El Salvador.

LadyGoddiva · 27/01/2022 14:06

I don't think you are being very honest with yourself @Elsalvador

OR you think your marital status matters more to strangers than it does. No one gives a toss if you are married or not. Something like 40% of couples cohabit and are unmarried.

If people show surprise at you not being married and ask questions (which I find very hard to believe in 2022) , surely you can find a suitable reposte! You've had 20 years to come up with one.

In all honesty, I cannot imagine circumstances where I'd enquire of someone why they weren't married to the person they had been with for 20 years. (If I barely knew them, I'd not even know how long they had been together anyway.)

You are clearly ashamed of not being married by your constant assertions that it's 'easier' to pretend you are.

No one gives a toss about your status.

I think it's just plain weird that people who choose not to marry haven't the guts to be open about it and feel they owe strangers some kind of explanation.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11