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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving work colleague lifts to work?

516 replies

strawberrylaces1 · 27/01/2022 05:58

I have been at my workplace for 5 years, and a few months one of my colleagues moved house, to my area.

I drive to work each day, and when we were having a chat about her moving, she mentioned the idea of car sharing to work, with her contributing towards the petrol costs. I thought this sounded ok.

At first this worked fine, she gave me petrol money and it was quite nice having the company. But for the past month or so, she’s not given any petrol money, I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and she’s given rubbish excuses about how money is short at the moment. (Which makes no sense, as if I didn’t drive her, she would have to pay for public transport!) She also mentioned that she is saving for a holiday so the financial hardship claim doesn’t really add up Confused

Another thing which is really getting under my skin is that she’s completely stopped saying thank you. When we get to her house and she gets out, she just says goodbye. I know this might seem petty, but I find it incredibly rude.
I get the impression she feels entitled to a lift since we live close by.

AIBU to stop giving her lifts entirely? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I am on annual leave until Monday so I want to cut off this arrangement before I’m back at work.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 29/01/2022 09:55

@HoneyFlowers

I've been on the other side of the coin.... I am super independent and I bought a long term travel pass to get myself to Uni and back every day. Then someone else realised we lived nearby and insisted I got lift with her there and back every day which ruined my independence to spend time with others, go to library etc. On top of insisting, she also expected me to pay petrol even though I already had paid long term to use public transport. So was paying for two travel services in the end.
@HoneyFlowers - I had this with a close friend over past few years. Would prefer to use her car not mine for outings (didn’t like way I drove, my car etc). She didn’t ask for petrol money but I felt a bit like she had control as she was driving. It was worse sometimes as I got public transport from my work to meet her (couldn’t drive and park at work) so she’d drop me home after that rather than me drive and then us go out in her car. Not doing that again in a hurry!
sweetbellyhigh · 29/01/2022 10:00

I would t say the bit about feeling taken advantage of, I'd just say I'm not able to give you rides any more. The end.

Belledan1 · 29/01/2022 10:06

Not sure if you still have the travel pass but you can cash in long term passes. I did it when I decided to get a different bus company home that was not covered by my pass.

Original poster
strawberrylaces1 · 29/01/2022 10:07

Morning all, I took the advice to not mention the money and just basically said it doesn’t work for me anymore. Kept it polite as I will have be bumping into her every day at work. Slight drip feed but often in the mornings she wouldn’t be ready at times, so I would sometimes be sitting outside her home for a while which I found a bit stressful as I hate being late. And had a similar dynamic as a PP mentioned, re her hovering around dead on the end of the work day when I often have things to wrap up. And overall I just don’t want to do it anymore to be honest.

Thanks for all the advice on this thread - looks like it’s easy to get into these arrangements and find it a bit awkward to cancel.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrylaces1 · 29/01/2022 10:09

I also just checked the poll - 99% YANBU with 3458 votes so glad to know I don’t seem unreasonable to cancel. I hate feeling selfish so often get roped into things. Stronger boundaries from here on out!

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/01/2022 10:09

Slight drip feed but often in the mornings she wouldn’t be ready at times, so I would sometimes be sitting outside her home for a while which I found a bit stressful as I hate being late.

Well done, OP - tbh, I suspected this was happening as people's entitlement (ceasing the petrol money) rarely stops in one area so it seemed logical she was doing this as well. She really had come to regard this as a service to which she was entitled.

Enjoy your hassle-free commute.

Juniper68 · 29/01/2022 10:11

Well done. Had she replied?

phishy · 29/01/2022 10:11

@strawberrylaces1

Morning all, I took the advice to not mention the money and just basically said it doesn’t work for me anymore. Kept it polite as I will have be bumping into her every day at work. Slight drip feed but often in the mornings she wouldn’t be ready at times, so I would sometimes be sitting outside her home for a while which I found a bit stressful as I hate being late. And had a similar dynamic as a PP mentioned, re her hovering around dead on the end of the work day when I often have things to wrap up. And overall I just don’t want to do it anymore to be honest.

Thanks for all the advice on this thread - looks like it’s easy to get into these arrangements and find it a bit awkward to cancel.

Well done! What was her reaction, OP?
anonsattic · 29/01/2022 10:11

Has she replied?

HoneyFlowers · 29/01/2022 10:14

I think I declined in the end as said I couldn't afford the petrol on top of also having the bus pass which I needed to have on the odd days she couldn't do a lift. Then she insisted I didn't pay her.

Yes we're too polite in this country, I am more direct these days.

KindleAndCake · 29/01/2022 10:15

You did a lovely thing that was sadly taken advantage of, but we'll done for ending it.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2022 10:17

don't even offer the opportunity to come up with back pay - you'd have paid the money anyway to get to work yourself.
Not that you need an excuse to stop providing lifts, but write it off in the interest of a clean start back with her getting there under her own steam.
If she gets in touch about you picking her up next week, just say its no longer convenient.

I'd be pissd off with the lack of thanks and the cash situation - even if it's not that heartfelt, it takes no effort to say "thanks, night" - or whatever as she gets out of the car.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2022 10:18

whoops - only read about half the thread before posting - well done OP

northumberlandavenue · 29/01/2022 10:22

I think you made the right decision and at the right time. More diplomatic than I would have been as I hate lateness.

LetsGoParty · 29/01/2022 10:25

You could still mention the money later on. I would otherwise it would annoy me forever.😅

BlackAndPinkNose · 29/01/2022 10:32

Good decision not to mention the money as if she paid you, you would still feel resentful.

Lunificent · 29/01/2022 10:33

Well done. It’s often much better not to explain yourself, then you’re not open to annoying responses.
.

Curlygirl06 · 29/01/2022 10:35

Many years ago we used to pick up ex dh's friend when we went out on Fridays. He was never ready so me and fil were sat in the car for ages waiting whilst dh went in to wait for him. I used to drive home as I didn't drink and every time he got out the car he'd thank my dh but never me.
This went on far too long (wouldn't happen now!) until one night I drove back to our house, told him in no uncertain terms how rude it is to keep us waiting (sometimes half an hour in the cold, and the lack of thanks) and was never driving him home again. My ex dh went mad, said he'd drive him home, which as he'd been drinking wasn't gonna happen, told me I was unreasonable etc, all whilst his mate was sat in the car. (No wonder he's an ex!)
Anyway, I took him home that night, where he DID thank me but for years after that I NEVER drove him home again so my ex dh had to not drink.

Heroicghosts · 29/01/2022 10:37

I'd not be bothered about the money if I was driving there anyway (as long as I wasn't going massively out of my way to pick them up/drop them off). But I would be annoyed by the lack of a thank you.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/01/2022 10:40

@Heroicghosts

I'd not be bothered about the money if I was driving there anyway (as long as I wasn't going massively out of my way to pick them up/drop them off). But I would be annoyed by the lack of a thank you.
OP 's latest update includes that the passenger was late for the pick-up as well and sometimes kept her waiting.
readingismycardio · 29/01/2022 10:44

@LottiesLaundry

Tell her politely but ever so firmly that you will no longer offer lifts as you are using the drive to make long distance calls with your family and friends, do an intensive language programme, listen to private self improvement podcasts or such like so you can't have any passengers for this reason.

You could also say that from now on your are not always going straight home but have to go shopping or run errand. Be firm, you do not owe this freeloader anything.

Love this!
HoneyFlowers · 29/01/2022 10:47

I used to give someone a lift to parkrun and she was always late, to the point where there was no time for a warm-up. In the end I said if you want a lift be here by 8:40 but my engine will be on and wheels moving at 8:45.

Heroicghosts · 29/01/2022 10:52

OP's latest update includes that the passenger was late for the pick-up as well and sometimes kept her waiting

Yep, sorry, speed-read thread and missed the update!

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2022 10:53

Can I have the money you owe me Please?

pictish · 29/01/2022 10:56

No…why lie about long distance calls to family and friends…what a load of old rubbish that sounds, because it is. As is nonsense about learning a language or whatever else.

When people bullshit me, I KNOW and I’m embarrassed for them as well as pissed off they are taking me for a fool. So childish, so transparent, so self-serving.
In this case there is absolutely no need to lie…and some would argue that there’s not even any need to explain. Elaborate excuses are for people who lie as a matter of course. Not good.