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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving work colleague lifts to work?

516 replies

strawberrylaces1 · 27/01/2022 05:58

I have been at my workplace for 5 years, and a few months one of my colleagues moved house, to my area.

I drive to work each day, and when we were having a chat about her moving, she mentioned the idea of car sharing to work, with her contributing towards the petrol costs. I thought this sounded ok.

At first this worked fine, she gave me petrol money and it was quite nice having the company. But for the past month or so, she’s not given any petrol money, I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and she’s given rubbish excuses about how money is short at the moment. (Which makes no sense, as if I didn’t drive her, she would have to pay for public transport!) She also mentioned that she is saving for a holiday so the financial hardship claim doesn’t really add up Confused

Another thing which is really getting under my skin is that she’s completely stopped saying thank you. When we get to her house and she gets out, she just says goodbye. I know this might seem petty, but I find it incredibly rude.
I get the impression she feels entitled to a lift since we live close by.

AIBU to stop giving her lifts entirely? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I am on annual leave until Monday so I want to cut off this arrangement before I’m back at work.

OP posts:
FFSjustLTB · 29/01/2022 08:48

@LumpyandBumps

No money to contribute towards fuel? Just explain that to the bus driver. I am sure he will understand. He was going that way anyway.
Grin. Brilliant
coodawoodashooda · 29/01/2022 08:50

Good luck op. Sounds stressful.

Lampzade · 29/01/2022 08:51

@Beamur

I'd just keep it simple. No excuses, no deep explanation. Hi, the car share isn't really working for me anymore, you'll need to make other arrangements from now on. See you at work. If she collars you about it, I'd say you miss having that time to yourself and the flexibility to do other things after work without having to let her know. (unless she has no self awareness at all she'll realise that you're fed up with her not paying her share) Don't feel bad.
This is what I would say
pictish · 29/01/2022 08:56

@maddiemookins16mum

I had this, it was a pain. Worst being even though we both finished at 4pm (started at 7.45), she would be hovering at my desk at 3.58, coat on, bag in hand. I’d be finishing up what I was doing and she’d be huffing, even worse when someone Teamed me and I took the call she tutted (it lasted 30 seconds). Sometimes I’d be a few minutes ‘late’ finishing and she fold her arms and say, ‘are we leaving now?”. It got to the point that the whole dept noticed. That said, she thanked me every single day, ‘thank Maddie, see you tomorrow’. In the end it stopped as I moved to the other end of town (not because of this I hasten to add).
Well yes you see…this is the real difficulty with lift sharing. It seems like a good idea in the theory but the devil’s in the detail.

What if one of you has a hold up in the morning? I sometimes do…three kids to chivvy along before I leave at 7.30.

What if one of you would prefer to stay on a while to complete a task? Again, I do this regularly. Could live without coat on and arms folded from my dependent while I do it.
What if the driver isn’t going straight home but wants to do a food shop/see a friend/go to an appointment on the way? Oh can’t, got to take Shona home.
What if Shona gets held up at either end of the day and I have shit to do? I’m going to end up getting pissy over it.

I wouldn’t care about the petrol money if my journey isn’t being added to…but I’d get fucked off by being obligated and disrupted by the arrangement.

That’s why I think the better approach is to say it’s too much of a bind.

2Rebecca · 29/01/2022 08:58

The trouble with you mentioning money is that she will expect you to keep providing the service if she offers money again. Fine if this is what you want, being vaguer means her offering money won't be seen as the answer

Lampzade · 29/01/2022 08:58

What I find fascinating about this thread is the fact that people ( particularly women) will put up with CF behaviour from others and feel guilty/ uncomfortable about facing said CF
The one thing I instilled in my dds is to be a decent individual , but it doesn’t mean that in doing so that you allow people to take advantage of you.
If I am doing someone a favour and they take advantage or it does not suit me anymore I simply let them know that I cannot continue with said arrangement. The end

cooldarkroom · 29/01/2022 08:59

I had a school mum come to ne at the gate, with the teacher who had suggested me as a solution & ask if I could collect her kid at lunch time , drop home, then collect again after lunch & take her back to school, I accepted as I was put on the spot, & hadn't thought it through.
It was a smallish detour, (adding 5 minutes if she was ready ) but more importantly I had to worry about always being exactly on time, no leaving early to fill up petrol, or swing by the post office etc.
Also losing time at the gate to collect, 2 kids. Mine was instructed to get out pronto hers was away with the fairies. Anyway it really was a pain, so for the woman saying her lift prrovider "goes anyway.".. a couple of beers doesn't cover anywhere near the hassle
Oh & this woman gave me a plastic jug & 4 tumblers picnic set as a thank-you.
When I said if no longer worked for me.
Insult to injury

Spinnier · 29/01/2022 09:01

@conjourbonjour

If you send that text message, work is gonna be awkward, definitely do not do that. I agree they are being a cheeky bastard. I’d just say “hey XXX so sorry, I won’t be able to give you a lift when I get back from holiday anymore, I’ve got some stuff going on at home I need to deal with which makes it difficult before and after work. Sorry for short notice. Don’t worry about the fuel money you owe, let’s just call it quits. “ Don’t elaborate and if she asks questions just be vague and borderline blunt. Trust me, she’ll know why and then you can be all normal with her at work.

If you send that message things will be so weird. I agree she’s in the wrong but these things happen.

Good luck OP. You've had tonnes of advice already but I like @conjourbonjour 's angle.

The message you have planned opens you up for her to say "but I'll pay" and then when you say no, she will decide you are being petty and vindictive, and she's in the right. Don't say it's about the money unless you are prepared to keep doing it if she offers money.

phishy · 29/01/2022 09:01

@cooldarkroom how long did you do it for?

The mum and teachers were CFs putting you on the spot like that.

pictish · 29/01/2022 09:01

@2Rebecca

The trouble with you mentioning money is that she will expect you to keep providing the service if she offers money again. Fine if this is what you want, being vaguer means her offering money won't be seen as the answer
Absolutely. Mentioning the money is just going to open the door to negotiation. If you want the arrangement to cease, concentrate on something she can’t fix…the inconvenience.
2Rebecca · 29/01/2022 09:02

Conjour bonjour's reply sounds good. Mentions the money but makes it clear offering money won't sort it

RampantIvy · 29/01/2022 09:05

That mesage sounds perfect. I'm looking fprward to what she says. I occasionally give a lift to a workmate, and she feels guilty about me driving (she is terrified of motorway driving) that she tends to overcompensate me.

She is lovely though, and it is nice to chat away from the office. Also, she drives to my house first so I am not going out of my way for her.

PeakyBlender · 29/01/2022 09:05

I wouldn't mention the money else she'll think she can pay you and you'll keep doing it.

cooldarkroom · 29/01/2022 09:06

Phishy, as far as I remember, about a term !!! More fool me !

ConstanceL · 29/01/2022 09:12

I wouldn't make it about the money OP, as she might decide to pay you and presume the lifts are back on. I like someone's earlier suggestion saying you want to use the time to catch up with phone calls to your mum or whoever.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 29/01/2022 09:17

@strawberrylaces1

Sorry for not checking in sooner - had a lovely busy couple of days, and didn’t expect quite so many replies Grin

I am going to send her a text tomorrow morning, using a variation of the suggestion from @ferretface . “Hi [name], we originally agreed that I could give you a lift in exchange for a contribution towards petrol money. You have stopped providing this and as a result I feel taken advantage of. I'm afraid I can't offer a lift any more.”

It isn’t solely about the money, but it does cost me quite a bit each month to get to work, and it feels unfair she should have 0 travel costs for work while I’m paying a lot for petrol/having a car. I do just feel taken advantage of - it was nice having someone to chat to, but I miss having the time to myself before and after work to be honest, and it doesn’t feel like a very good trade off anymore.

I won’t be leaving her in the lurch really - she had to get public transport this week, it’s do-able, just obviously not as convenient as by car. But I feel fed up with it now, even if she offers petrol money when I send the text tomorrow, I feel the arrangement has been soured a bit.

Still have a few pages of replies to catch up on Smile and I will update with how tomorrow goes.

Suggest you don't say 'You have stopped providing this and as a result I feel taken advantage of. I'm afraid I can't offer a lift any more.' because she might come back with promising to pay, you resume the lifts, and she still doesn't pay.

How about 'Hi x, just to let you know I'm not available for lifts anymore so you'll have to make other arrangements, and BTW, you owe me x amount since x date. You can give me the cash on Monday, cheers.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/01/2022 09:22

I'd be keeping it a lot simpler than that. She'll offer to pay again, you'll feel obliged because that's all you mentioned. Just say it's not working out for you and don't get into any discussion.

phishy · 29/01/2022 09:24

@cooldarkroom

Phishy, as far as I remember, about a term !!! More fool me !
At least it wasn’t a year! The main thing is you stopped. Smile
RoisinD · 29/01/2022 09:30

Does it not invalidate your insurance if you are accepting payment, regardless of only covering costs? Read your terms and conditions very carefully.

RampantIvy · 29/01/2022 09:34

I think if it is a contribution towards fuel it doesn't, but if the OP was to make a profit then it might.

TatianaBis · 29/01/2022 09:35

I would keep it much simpler than that OP. With that message she will start paying again and you’ll be obliged to continue. Then she will stop paying again and you will be in the same position.

Just say “Hi xxx this arrangement doesn’t work for me any more. I trust you will find a suitable alternative.”

DGRossetti · 29/01/2022 09:40

@2Rebecca

The trouble with you mentioning money is that she will expect you to keep providing the service if she offers money again. Fine if this is what you want, being vaguer means her offering money won't be seen as the answer
(Lurked on this thread for a bit.)

That is pretty much my prediction too. Long experience of CFs with blends of controlling and narcissistic behaviour (many thanks to MN for educating me) tells me this is what the CF here will do.

You have no idea how many times I wish I had learned the MN mantra No is a complete sentence years ago ...

Bottom line is you don't owe this person an explanation. In fact - you don't owe them anything

SnotRags · 29/01/2022 09:45

I used to have the same problem with a woman at my kids school. She was morbidly obese and lived around the corner from the school. It was pissing it down one day and she asked if I’d drop her off on the way home as I pass her house to get home. I agreed. The next day she asked again, I agreed as I was passing her house anyway. Then she started asking me to pick her up in a morning to take them to school. It became a complete pain, she was so fat she had to move the seat right back and she weighed the car down. The suspension went and so did springs on that side. The car was a tiny Corsa. In the end I started making excuses saying I could pick her up/drop her off as I was doing other things such as going to shop, visiting my mum etc etc … she stopped asking in the end

HoneyFlowers · 29/01/2022 09:46

I've been on the other side of the coin.... I am super independent and I bought a long term travel pass to get myself to Uni and back every day. Then someone else realised we lived nearby and insisted I got lift with her there and back every day which ruined my independence to spend time with others, go to library etc. On top of insisting, she also expected me to pay petrol even though I already had paid long term to use public transport. So was paying for two travel services in the end.

pictish · 29/01/2022 09:48

@HoneyFlowers

I've been on the other side of the coin.... I am super independent and I bought a long term travel pass to get myself to Uni and back every day. Then someone else realised we lived nearby and insisted I got lift with her there and back every day which ruined my independence to spend time with others, go to library etc. On top of insisting, she also expected me to pay petrol even though I already had paid long term to use public transport. So was paying for two travel services in the end.
Yes I can see how the person being driven can also be inconvenienced by the arrangement.

We do put up with some nonsense for the sake of being polite, don’t we?

You obviously felt you couldn’t tell her no. How awkward.

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