Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

"I'd start by issuing a time table of what you want done when and to what standard."

That's parenting him though. I don't want to have to tell him what to do when to do it. I want him to recognise what needs to be done and not need to be told to do it.

He talked about her a lot and took me to see her in Ireland when we had only been together 4 months.

This wasn't a sign of him being a responsible and loving doting father.

It was an irresponsible decision introducing a girlfriend of four months to his daughter who lives in another country.

His suggestion you be introduced to her should have been a red flag for an immature, irresponsible bloke.

As for now, a man who is willing to let you be this uncomfortable, unhappy and live in such an unhygienic environment - all while pregnant with his baby... is not a man you should be even considering a relationship with.

You can be a mother to this baby without raising it under the same roof as its father.

@Firstchilddue2022

"I'd start by issuing a time table of what you want done when and to what standard."

That's parenting him though. I don't want to have to tell him what to do when to do it. I want him to recognise what needs to be done and not need to be told to do it.

But he doesn't care enough to want this too, OP.

He would rather you spent your time and energy chasing him up to do the bare minimum stuff someone does to contribute to a home as an adult, or support a partner as a decent person, so that he either doesn't have to ever think about it himself or because he knows you'll exhaust yourself and either stop reminding him or just do it yourself.

He is pathetic.

Seriously.

He doesn't care enough to naturally want you to live in a hygienic and pleasant home. Despite the fact you're carrying his child.

You need to start planning life without him as a partner TBH. He's a shit one anyway.

@Mummytobe93

I’m not sure how it works exactly but could you qualify for social housing?

Two year waiting list 😔 I can afford a two bed flat.

@ThreeLocusts

Hi OP not sure why ppl are being quite so harsh. In your situation, fertility-wise etc, it's understandable that you chose to be optimistic about your partner.

The famously noisy 'LTB' brigade on here don't tend to take into account that there's a whole process of trying, negotiating, grieving involved in getting to the point of leaving. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this while pregnant, instead of looking forward to the baby.

That said, it doesn't look good for your future with this man. He needs to sort out his depression, and his drinking, and his lack of care and effort, for his home and for you.

I'd seriously consider finding somewhere for just yourself and the baby, putting him on notice that he has to sort himself out before you can function as a couple.

But whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You were just hoping for the best.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your attitude ❤️

@hairymorag

Your partner is upset that your not cleaning the house whilst your feeling ill and vomiting? He drinks and now is telling you he is depressed, funny that his depression stops him caring about you but not enough to be pissed off at the house being dirty as you havent cleaned it...funny that..he sounds like a dreadful partner. He has now shown you he is ...

One a different note why have you been acting like a housekeeper for these two adults?

I recognised that he's depressed. It's part of my field. He was in denial at first.

@AdultingInTheCountryside

I don’t think you should be having a baby especially in the situation you’re in. It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world if you essentially know you can’t afford to and also with a partner that’s shit. You’re thinking about yourself and quite frankly I find it hard to feel sorry for you.

Don't call me selfish. I'm quite capable of raising a child. I can manage emotionally and financially and have a good family support network. Maybe I made the wrong choice of father but do you call women who use a donor selfish?

It's not selfish to want to be a mum. And his daughter is very happy and healthy and gets lots of facetime with her dad and a great relationship with his parents.

Sometimes the nuclear family isn't necessary for a child to be happy. It's a social construct anyway.

Depression doesn’t turn you into a useless person.

Love is a verb - what does he do to show you he loves you?

Imagine he was pregnant and in your position. You say you love him: what would you be doing for him?

My first pregnancy was really hard. My DH did all of the cooking and cleaning, redecorated the spare room, put together furniture, drove me to appointments.

When the baby was here and I had a traumatic birth he got up in the night, changed him, brought him for a feed and the winded him and settled him. He took 6 weeks of paternity leave to get us settled. He took time off to look after us when we were both sick.

THAT is love. He showed me he loved me.

Your fiancé and shown you only that he’s a feckless twit who’s a poor parent.

Did he move away from his child or did the mum move away with the child?

@ChargingBuck

who am I or you to say if he genuinely doesn't have depression or not We're not capable of diagnosing whether he has it. That's the whole point is - neither is he. He needs a GP to diagnose for him. However, he hasn't been arsed to see one, despite saying he was going to "do something about it". If he genuinely believed he had depression, he'd be googling causes, symptoms, self-help etc & as a first step. avoiding habitual daily alcohol is a very fast step to seeing if your mood improves.

As he's done none of that, he can't state that he's "has depression", so he's either deluded, or it's just a big fat excuse. My money's on the latter.

No I wouldn't put up with him but nor would I live in a small house at 33 with a flat mate who does fuck all and an absent father of 2 who has a drink problem and decide to have a baby with them.
Bully for you. Aren't you so much smugger cleverer that the person you're giving an unnecessary kicking to.
What are you after - a form prefect badge @sunsshineshowerss?

He went to the GP but they sent him away because they were too busy vaccinating. He's gone through IAPT but nobody's got back to him.

@SeasonFinale

The amount of time you have spent typing your messages you could have swished some bleach round the loo. I say this as someone who suffered severely from morning sickness too.

It was 5am and I was feeling very sick. I've cleaned the toilet for what it's worth. I didn't do it because any of you lot told me to. I did it because today I could. Typing on a phone isn't the same as crouching over a poopy toilet.

[quote ChargingBuck]**@Firstchilddue2022* I hope you are feeling a bit better, are mulling over how you are going to handle things over the next 2 months, & are ignoring all the PP giving you a right kicking for something which you cannot undo*.

Don't be put off posting - AIBU is a bear pit, & you probably would have got softer responses c/o Relationships, but there are still enough wise old bags around who are more interested in seeing you get better & improve your situation, than getting a vicarious thrill over how superior they feel to you.[/quote]
Thank you. I actually decided a while ago that I would never have a baby unless I could go it alone. This child (assuming all goes well) will have a loving family and want for nothing. I'm shocked to see the stigma against low earners on this group. I'm actually a drug and alcohol worker and one of my homeless heroin clients is about as far along as I am. She's being treated with more respect than I am in this thread 🙄

I'm fairly thick skinned but I'm quite sensitive at the moment for obvious reasons. Fiancé is very rough around the edges but he's not how people in this thread are describing him. They seem to be creating a caricature based on what little (relevant) information I gave.

I think he's a bit lost. He's had a rough time. He attempted suicide at 15 and has a permanent facial scar from it. He's very intelligent and honestly when he cuts right back on the drinking his better nature comes out. He looks after himself better and does much more around the house.

I feel like the drink is wrecking him and its fuelled by untreated depression. The issue is that I have a time limit on how long I can wait for him to get the help he needs.

Me fiancé and our VERY CLOSE NOT RANDOM friend were going to move into a larger rental in March. But I agree with a lot of the posts here. They're taking advantage of my mothering. I should never have played that role in the first place but the way it started was I saw tasks that needed doing and did them. I just realised overtime that I was doing those tasks more than them.

But they're not bone idol. They both do clean and tidy and cook. Housemate also drove me to A&E during my miscarriage and has been a source of support at times.

Anyway this ended up being a bit lengthy. Thanks for your comments 😁

Thank you. This baby will never be knowingly in harms way. I'm shocked at the judgement.

@BluebellsareBlue

Would you be comfortable bringing home a newborn to a house where there is dried on shit on the toilet? If the toilet is that dirty and there is mould on the window sils I dread to think the state of the kitchen, carpet or floors. I would NOT be taking my baby into a health hazard like that when it is completely avoidable

No. That's why I'm at this crossroads. But I'd never allow my baby in an unsafe environment.

@CinstonWhurchill

"I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry."

" i am only 10 weeks pregnant".

Can you not wash your own clothes?

"He" does not appear to be doing very much .

What are YOU DOING and how will you live and care for yourself and your child, when your child is born? How are you planning to support your child? How will you manage washing multiple baby grows etc when baby is here if , you cannot even manage to clean & clothe yourself now at 10 weeks?

You think the house is too dirty now and the toilet too dirty to be sick in. Have you cleaned it? It is also your toilet in which you need to vomit. There is shopping to be done? Have you shopped?

You are having a child you say .

You need to stop all this silly precious nonsense . You are pregnant. You can clean a bathroom and do your own laundry. You will have much more laundry on yr plate when baby here.

Re-read. I've been bed bound with debilitating nausea from morning sickness. I'm usually very capable of taking care of myself.

Jeez you guys are so conflicting
"it's your fault for doing everything, stop doing everything"
"you don't have any clothes now? Why? Can't you put a wash on?"

@christmaskittenincoming

Did he move away from his child or did the mum move away with the child?

Mum moved away with the child.

What legal steps did he take to stop her?

Did he not consider moving to be closer to his daughter?

What are YOU DOING and how will you live and care for yourself and your child, when your child is born?

Stop panicking @CinstonWhurchill. the pregnancy sickness doesn't continue once the child is actually born ... in fact Op will probably be past the worst of it very soon. She's allowed to have a few off days due to being unable to stop heaving her guts up ffs.
No doubt some of that sickness misery prompted her to post here. Bet she's regretting that now - she would have been treated more compassionately in Relationships.

@TrufflesAndToast

What legal steps did he take to stop her?

Clearly none, but he FaceTimes her so...

Housemate also drove me to A&E during my miscarriage and has been a source of support at times.

That's not an especially high bar for a housemate who is also meant to be a friend.

& NOBODY (able bodied, adult) who has respect for you leaves you to clean their shit because they refuse to.

Op, I mean this gently particularly as you’re very defensive, likely understandably as you’re not hearing what you wish to hear, but less understandably about him.

Personally it’s difficult to understand this new scenario you’re now describing, with a man who pulls his weight financally, fully supports his first child, and does his bit, it doesn’t compare to the drunk depressed low earner who does nothing in your op.

Clearly you’ve not made a decision, or you’ve not made a decision you wish to admit on here and that’s fair enough. If you’ve some where to move to, can emotionally and financially support a child, and are just with him becayse he’s so good just mentally Ill with depression, and it’s not you can’t afford your current place, you were all even looking to upgrade, then it seems all good for you.

Good luck.

I just really hope it works out for you and your child, your partner and his mate.

Are you not curious about the fact that you work with vulnerable people with drug and alcohol addiction and you have chosen to have a baby with someone who attempted suicide and has an alcohol problem?

There’s a bit of a rescuer issue here I think.

move out ASAP and forget him.

@CinstonWhurchill

"I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry."

" i am only 10 weeks pregnant".

Can you not wash your own clothes?

"He" does not appear to be doing very much .

What are YOU DOING and how will you live and care for yourself and your child, when your child is born? How are you planning to support your child? How will you manage washing multiple baby grows etc when baby is here if , you cannot even manage to clean & clothe yourself now at 10 weeks?

You think the house is too dirty now and the toilet too dirty to be sick in. Have you cleaned it? It is also your toilet in which you need to vomit. There is shopping to be done? Have you shopped?

You are having a child you say .

You need to stop all this silly precious nonsense . You are pregnant. You can clean a bathroom and do your own laundry. You will have much more laundry on yr plate when baby here.

God, some people really don't understand debilitating, relentless, morning sickness.