Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

@Interrobanger

Are you not curious about the fact that you work with vulnerable people with drug and alcohol addiction and you have chosen to have a baby with someone who attempted suicide and has an alcohol problem?

There’s a bit of a rescuer issue here I think.

I did wonder the same, also if he was a previous client.

Some time ago I heard a comment that many women 'settle' for less than they deserve when it comes to choosing a partner and father of their children; sometimes that is because they think time is running out or they feel nobody more suitable will want them. It's food for thought and a scenario I have seen in real life.

However we must live in the here and now and the op is going to have a baby. I wish her well.

OP, I didn’t make assumptions in my post, you said. He doesn’t brush his teeth, doesn’t do a weekly shop, doesn’t cook- forcing you to order takeaways despite morning sickness and needing nutritious healthy meals, doesn’t clean/leaving you to clean out a shitty toilet, put out bins whilst throwing up, hasn’t run a wash so your sleeping naked in January, sleeps in and is frequently late for work, games into the night and spends evenings getting drunk and leaving you on your own spending the money he doesn’t really have much of to begin with and you’ve paid the deposit on your house as he doesn’t have money.

He’s also a shit father taking you who he had been dating for four months along to child contact, when he barely sees his child as they live in different countries. And of course the child is happy and healthy, her mother takes care of that. Not your feckless, lazy unhygienic drunk of a boyfriend.

This is everything you’ve said in your first post.

He does not sound like a great father or a great partner or a great anything.

@TrufflesAndToast

What legal steps did he take to stop her?

He got a solicitor and tried to take her to court. He fought for a couple of years but Ireland is not father-friendly on these matters.

He's not a previous client and his suicide attempt played no part in me falling in love with him. I became a drug and alcohol recovery worker a year into our relationship. Stop your incessant over-theorising!

The significance of his drinking problem didn't even come up until several months into the relationship either. He isn't a dependent drinker. The amount he drinks is considered normal to a lot of Brits.

The problem is why he drinks and his behaviour as a result of the drinking.

Jesus what a mess. I wouldn't bring an innocent baby into that.

"It was an irresponsible decision introducing a girlfriend of four months to his daughter who lives in another country.“

Sorry, I don't understand that at all. He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend by the way. His daughter was two. She wouldn't even remember me. We literally just played Peppa Pig together. HOW IRRESPONSIBLE! WHAT A SHIT FATHER! Some of you are seriously pearl-clutching.

My background is in Developmental Psychology (something else for some of you to lose your shit about). Children aren't damaged by meeting dads new girlfriend 4 months into a relationship.

I have no idea where this idea is coming from.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Did he not consider moving to be closer to his daughter?

He's hell bent on not moving back to Ireland. He doesn't like talking about it.

Hi please ignore the rough posts. You're pregnant you don't this crap bothering you.

As for your partner problem, can you do things together when you've got a bit more energy. Have you been to the doctors for your sickness. Is it hypermesis?

So he’s a really great and responsible boyfriend and a good father to his oldest child who he doesn’t see

What’s the advice you’re asking for?

Unfortunately I've learnt the hard way. Don't expect anything from anyone otherwise you'll end up feeling disappointed. Don't expect him to clean or take the bins out. You're going to have to manoeuvre him to do those things. Tell him politely hey I feel like im going to be sick can you help me with this...

Can you go to Aldi or somewhere with him and get really easy things you can eat? Things you don't have to prepare much. Get a lot of fibre for the constipation so salads, fruits and veg. Also prunes help a lot with constipation and prune juice does too.

I see you're becoming defensive OP. Maybe later you can analyse and process that reaction.

Meanwhile my question is simply why do you prioritise these two men above your unborn child and yourself?

Your child's health and well-being relies completely on you. No one else.

You get free healthcare when you're pregnant. Have you been to the doctors for the piles, rashes and sickness?

But they're not bone idol. They both do clean and tidy and cook.

But your posts are conflicting - you have absolutely described them as bone idol and said they don't cook and clean 🤷🏻‍♀️ you're backtracking it would seem?

And as for only having a child if you can go it alone - just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean a child doesn't want or need them

If you are a low earner and can only rely on having a housemate to pay the bills then that should have come into your planning before deciding you wanted a child

You need to tell the pair of them to shape up or ship out

@frazzledasarock

So he’s a really great and responsible boyfriend and a good father to his oldest child who he doesn’t see

What’s the advice you’re asking for?

You guys!! You're exaggeration isn't helping. When I say he doesn't brush his teeth every day you're all like "omg he's never brushed his teeth!"

I say he doesn't visit his daughter often you're like "omg he never sees her, does he even know her name?"

It sounds like a truly shit situation to bring a child into. Why exactly are you with someone who is disgusting and doesn’t care enough about you to take 5 minutes out of his tv watching to stick a load of laundry on?

Get away from him and this situation and learn to respect yourself before you get into another relationship with a waste of space.

From reading your first post, if you were one of my friends I would be advising you to look into the practicalities of leaving him. If you were a close friend, I would offer you to come and stay with me for a couple of weeks, while you decide what you want to do. You need looking after right now, and it's not too promising that he is not pulling his weight or looking after himself or you atm. You say you love him so much, but love on it's own isn't enough. You've described him as being a chaotic mess.

Look at places you can afford on your own, and if you will be entitled to any benefits. Get your name down on the housing list. Do not renew the lease!

And sorry, but this is AIBU after all, him introducing you to his daughter who lives in another country was a huge red flag. If you do split up, how will you feel if he introduces his girlfriend of 4 months to your child? Did you meet his ex before meeting his child? You say that she's restrictive, and he'd like to see her more. Well maybe there is a good reason why she is restrictive. Imagine if you split up, and your child comes back with an unused toothbrush after a weekend with him etc.

He sounds very similiar to my friend's ex housemate: his ex and daughter moved back to Ireland, but he couldn't possibly move back as well. Rarely sees his daughter, but that's not his fault, he says that he'd like to see her more and says that he really misses her. The truth is that he doesn't want to move back to Ireland, he didn't look after his daughter properly when he had her for weekends, didn't feed her properly, wash her, brush her teeth or hair, and drank drove. So her mum said no more contact and he never bothered going through the courts to get access. All talk and no action.

@bonetiredwithtwins

But they're not bone idol. They both do clean and tidy and cook.

But your posts are conflicting - you have absolutely described them as bone idol and said they don't cook and clean 🤷🏻‍♀️ you're backtracking it would seem?

And as for only having a child if you can go it alone - just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean a child doesn't want or need them

If you are a low earner and can only rely on having a housemate to pay the bills then that should have come into your planning before deciding you wanted a child

You need to tell the pair of them to shape up or ship out

Read it again. I said I do the majority of the housework. I never said they don't cook and clean.

I shouldn't really need to justify my finances to have a baby. I moved in to this property with a previous housemate after my last relationship ended. Then my fiance moved in which further helped divide the costs. Then old housemate moved out and new housemate (who is actually much cleaner than the last one) moved in.

So I never rented this particular property on my own. Because this particular property I would not afford to rent on my own. Therefore if I kicked them both out I'd struggle financially.

That doesn't mean I'm too poor for a child. It means this property is too expensive for me to stay in on my own. There are other properties I can afford on my own. At least for now. My current salary is about £23,500. I might only get statutory maternity pay though because its technically a temporary contract.

This is the best wage I've ever had. I'm definitely old enough and secure enough to have a child and I'm really not going to be debating my suitability as a mother anymore because it's actually massively upsetting.

You guys!! You're exaggeration isn't helping. When I say he doesn't brush his teeth every day you're all like "omg he's never brushed his teeth!"

In your first post you said:
he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

So basically his dental hygiene is bad enough to give him awful toothache, that he won't see the dentist for? It's self neglect, and not a good role model for a child.

"Meanwhile my question is simply why do you prioritise these two men above your unborn child and yourself?"

I'm not... That's why I'm here... Because I need a solution.

@SC215

You guys!! You're exaggeration isn't helping. When I say he doesn't brush his teeth every day you're all like "omg he's never brushed his teeth!"

In your first post you said:
he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

So basically his dental hygiene is bad enough to give him awful toothache, that he won't see the dentist for? It's self neglect, and not a good role model for a child.

Yep! Fine. I agree with that. It's not good. It's a bad sign. That's why I mentioned it.

You would be better namechanging and asking for advice in the relationship section OP.

AIBU is not the place for sugar coating anything.

I'd also go to citizens advice about what you might be entitled to as a single mother. Even if you do decide to stay, I think having a back up plan of how you could leave would be a good idea.

To answer your original post, yes I think you need to move out. A stinky drunk who isn't stepping in to help his pregnant and sick fiancée with the household chores and is a wildcard when it comes to turning up to work on time isn't shaping up for Father of the year and will not just magically transform into that when the baby arrives. You're already going to be inextricably linked to him for the rest of your life, don't make it any harder for yourself by having to parent him as well as your baby.

I appreciate that you want to be a mother, but the child you're having has no say in this. To bring it into dirty chaos with a half-arsed man-child excuse for a Dad plus his not-much-better best mate hanging round is not fair on the child and would indeed be selfish.

Get out, get a decent little place for yourself and the baby, really look into what you will and won't be entitled to when it comes to maternity etc. It's all very well being the highest earner now but if you're not working for a year or more where does that leave you?

@Firstchilddue2022

"Meanwhile my question is simply why do you prioritise these two men above your unborn child and yourself?"

I'm not... That's why I'm here... Because I need a solution.

The problem is that the only real solution is going to be get shut of the boyfriend and housemate.

He won't change. He's not going to suddenly become responsible, responsive and clean and hygienic just because you have a baby.

You absolutely will end up being the skivvy for those two whilst trying to work full time and care for your child, who will be your priority. You will resent them both incredibly quickly once you're exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically as well as being all touched out

HG is horrendous, definitely see the GP, they can prescribe anti sickness medicine that is safe in pregnancy.

But, you're going to have to get a bit of a grip of yourself and get on with it. He has proved that he's not going to do anything about caring for you or the home you live in, so you might as well get the practice in if you're going to stay with him.

Fingers crossed for you OP, you deserve better.

Wash your hands of this man-child,OP.
Look for another tenancy-a one bed for you and baby will be fine for several years.
Do not tell new landlord/agent that you are pregnant until (much after) contract signed and you are moved in as single parents on lowish incomes aren't looked on favourably in the rental market as its assumed that your income will decrease with mat leave, etc.
Once in new place, apply for UC.
I sincerely hope you have money for first months rent/new deposit.

You need to find a property you can afford on your own @Firstchilddue2022. Even if it’s just a studio flat.

And I’d do it sooner rather than later - sadly sometimes landlords think of pregnant women/single mums as liability and they are not to keen to let them rent their property. So I’d it before
You start to show and in the mean time I’d sign up for the council housing, even if there’s a 2 year waiting list.

Please leave them both behind, your “fiancé” and the flatmate.