Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

[FlowerArranger]

@Firstchilddue2022 - we could talk about what you should or shouldn't do till the cows come home, but at the end of the day it's your decision. I would just suggest that you make sure that your decisions are informed ones.

Agencies that could help you with your decisions include:

• Citizens Advice re. what financial you might be entitled to as a single mother.
  
• Shelter re. help with accommodation and renting.
  
• Gingerbread for advice on bringing up your child on your own.
  

But first and foremost, if you haven't done so, seek medical advice (GP, midwife) re. your emesis, haemorrhoids etc.

And perhaps get a one-time cleaner in to give the flat a thorough clean?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

You've been unfair here OP. You said lots in your first post that people have responded to then essentially backtracked and got angry when people have said that yes, the behaviour you described is completely unacceptable and the type of environment at home you describe is unsuitable for a child so you're right to be planning to move out solo.

You had to clean off literal shit that he (and his friend?) left on the toilet, in order for you to use it. This example alone shows that he isn't a suitable partner. I cannot imagine having such contempt for someone that I thought they should clean up my poo.

You've been defensive and I understand when it comes to people saying you shouldn't have the baby in an accusatory manner as you've made your decision and it is yours to make.

But you're being defensive when people can only go on what you've said. Read your first post back and tell us honestly what you'd think if a friend told you this. Wouldn't you be angry and think her partner was being awful? That's all people are thinking. Because he is.

[Couchbettato]

Yes you're losing an uphill battle.

My XH was exactly the same.

I could have written this post.

He'd have these shits that would scatterblast the toilet and I'd have to put my head in THAT.

The stench of bleach made my sickness worse, but I had to bleach the toilet and give it a scrub usually after the first bout of sickness when looking at the pebble dashed bowl finally made me finish retching.

I have no idea why, but my XH chose my pregnancy to conveniently forget how to flush the toilet as well, for the entire 9 months. So sometimes I'd be greeted to a fucking turd as well.

In hindsight I'm positive it was intentional considering he turned out to be an alcoholic abusive arsehole.

He never cleaned the kitchen, so there was a smell in the kitchen that I could smell that made me feel sick.

He'd put stuff on top of the cupboards. I'm 5 foot tall, and there was no way I was getting on the countertops to find out what was up there. He insisted he couldn't smell it.

It kept me out of the kitchen for a long time, because our bathroom was 2 floors up and I would not have made it in time if I needed to vom.

I didn't get much sympathy from any one. I was always told why can't YOU clean up, why can't YOU wash your clothes, why can't YOU cook.

I was sick every day until I had my C section and did so much abdominal and pelvic damage I flooded the floors with urine from the pressure of being sick even if I worse tena lady super absorbent adult nappies.

I'd lay on the sofa from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed with very little movement because moving made my sickness worse even though I'd gone through so many different anti emetics.

I asked that we had no smelly foods in the house, because it was making me so sick I feared for my health, but he chose to fixate on nduja sausage pizza, or Chinese takeaway and not take the rubbish out until the next morning so the entire house stunk. Or salt and vinegar crisps which he had never eaten in the 8 years we had been together. He called me controlling when I broke down in tears because he chose to eat this food when he knew I was so sensitive to it.

There was a chap at work who smelled like he'd just rolled around in an ashtray and that really triggered my sickness too, and there were no ladies bathrooms on my floor, and I'd been expressly forbidden from using the bins because it's biohazardous content and the cleaners aren't trained to handle it.

I complained to my line manager, also a smoker, who said nothing could be done about it.

So it felt like neither home or work were safe spaces for me.

We never had any clean towels because I had to shove one between my legs while I had my head in the bowl, unless I was lucky enough to get sat on the toilet and pick the bucket up first.

I couldn't carry our wash basket down 2 flights of stairs to the washer because I had SPD from 9 weeks and my legs decided that suddenly I could do the splits without any fair warning.

He outright refused to touch anything that may have come into contact with urine, but completely expected me to scrub the shit stained toilet after he'd been, and flush his waste.

His drinking didn't stop.

When our son was about a year old I asked him to wake up from a beer induced nap and get my a towel for our sons bathtime and the first thing he said was a threat to my life. When I got scared and started messaging my mum he got physical and took my phone away because he didn't want me to tell any one and I ended up being choked.

I know this is so extreme compared to your situation but I cannot help seeing so many red flags and it's probably a projection but I just do not believe a drink dad can be a good dad in any capacity. The bar is so low for men.

[Interrobanger]

@Firstchilddue2022

"It was an irresponsible decision introducing a girlfriend of four months to his daughter who lives in another country.“

Sorry, I don't understand that at all. He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend by the way. His daughter was two. She wouldn't even remember me. We literally just played Peppa Pig together. HOW IRRESPONSIBLE! WHAT A SHIT FATHER! Some of you are seriously pearl-clutching.

My background is in Developmental Psychology (something else for some of you to lose your shit about). Children aren't damaged by meeting dads new girlfriend 4 months into a relationship.

I have no idea where this idea is coming from.

You’re missing the point.

It’s not about whether his DD will be ‘damaged’ by meeting you. It’s about the fact that after only four months he was introducing you to her. That’s way too soon. Him trying to drive the relationship forward and accelerate the timeline like that is a red flag. How soon after getting together did he move in with you?

The fact is he saw you coming. He wanted a mummy to look after him and you, with your rescuer tendencies, saw him as a project and gladly took him on. You even made a career out of him! If you’ve a background in developmental psychology, you’ll have come across the term codependency. This relationship is pretty much the dictionary definition.

You want a solution? The only viable one, that’s best for your child, is to leave him and go it alone. Otherwise you’ll find once the baby arrives that you have two children to look after, not one. And that will breed so much resentment that you will end up leaving him anyway. Better to cut your losses now.

Sorry OP, you picked a dud for your child’s father. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. But now you need to make good on your bad decision.

[Rosebuud]

I think op if you’re not willing to leave, and I don’t think you are, then just back away from the thread, nothing good can come from it now. You’re just arguing about how great he actually is., even his drinking is now normal. And it’s just he’s occasionally got poor dental hygiene and yoire concerned about his depression.

I’d personally try to find a way to not live with his mate and rely on his financial contribution, the two of you need to be self sufficient and I’d consider if marriage is important to you or not, because I suspect that will never happen with this guy. But I think it’s clear you’ve made your choice, even if you don’t want to admit it, so you need to focus on the reality of your situation, which works when you’re just living with your boyfriend and his mate, but very different when there is a child in the mix.

If you’ve found a two bed you can afford on your salary then you should both move there and raise your child and the mate should go and find his own place.

[DaveGahansRealWife]

Wow - this thread has turned about!

[Tamworth123]

@TrufflesAndToast

What legal steps did he take to stop her?

Is it ROI or NI?

Im not sure what the legal situation is re NI because its part of the UK, but if it's ROI would the Hague (?) convention not apply?

Theres a narrative that he started drinking heavily when hoc child was moved away from him by the mother, with the implication he was a responsible reliable, involved, considerate, good father and partner/ex partner and she moved his child from him "unfairly"..... given his behaviour in general and towards you, while pregnant, I have to say I ind that narrative v hard to believe.

More like he was like this with her too and she gave up getting any real support from him and of him being a decent father or partner/even ex partner and webt yk where she could get the most support, because she knew she was unlikely to get it from him. A once in a while visit while the other parent does 100% of the childcare 95% of the time means nothing. It just means the mother isctrying to facilitate some minimal context.
He could also have relocated to ROI/NI if he chose to. If he was so affected by the relocation of his child that he started drinking heavily/got depressed. Nothing to stop him doing that.

The narrative doesbt ring true.

[Tamworth123]

*some minimal contact

[Tamworth123]

Even if the narrative were true (depressed partly because, and started drinking heavily because his child was relocated away from him by its inconsiderate mother, again he could've relocated too) .... given he hasn't even able to get help, and had been able to consistently stop drinking too much; it is extremely irresponsible of him to be ttc with you, and now gotten you pregnant. You're no suffering, pregnant, because of his behsviour/habits and will likewise probably suffer as a new mum because of his behaviour/habits.

So he's v irresponsible, careless, and cavalier. He knows he's depressed, but knows he drinks too much, he knows he's neglecting basic hygiene, hes already got got child he diesbt see much of .... but went ahead with repeatedly ttc with you, and now a baby due in a few months.

He doesn't take responsibility for himself. He doesbt think about his kids/future kids. I guess he thinks you, like his ex, will carry everything so I doesn't really matter that he's making another child.

[Tamworth123]

I agree wity the poster who said he saw you coming, and thinks you'll put up with pretty much anything because you were so desperate for a child.

He also thinks you'll do it all, that attitude has been thrown into clarity by your severe morning sickness and him not stepping up even in these circumstances.

New babies can be very very hard work in every way, you will probably be better on your own with whatever family help you can get.

[Tamworth123]

Sorry to be v blunt but you do indeed seem like a rescuer or have very low standards or both.

[Tamworth123]

I’d sign up for the council housing, even if there’s a 2 year waiting list.

This too.

Time flies.

[MondayYogurt]

@Firstchilddue2022

"Meanwhile my question is simply why do you prioritise these two men above your unborn child and yourself?"

I'm not... That's why I'm here... Because I need a solution.

Sadly, the only solution is to stop prioritising and making excuses for them.

That's it, because they won't change.

They won't change.

You will be as unhappy or more unhappy in a year, 5 years, 10 years unless you reconcile that the only power you have is to become independent of these leeches. You can do it.

[KittyWindbag]

Op you said you don’t want to parent him and you want him to notice the things that need doing. I agree with you, however he will not suddenly change, he has proven that. You need to be practical. Talk to him seriously about this, divide chores with everyone including housemate. This is not just about the baby this is about fully grown adults taking a bit of responsibility and not living like students.

He doesn’t sound as if he’s really ready to become a father. I don’t think it hits men at all until the baby arrives and when that happens it will be an even bigger shock to him with even bigger rows on the way. You have even less energy and time once a newborn arrives. Plus birth recovery could require a lot of extra work in his part.

His alcohol addiction is not acceptable in your scenario. It’s selfish of him. Babies need clean environments. This is basic. He’s not meeting it. Have that talk with him. Give him the exact things you nneed, laid out. It still doesn’t sound like it will be easy. Good luck OP. I wish you and baby well.

[ChargingBuck]

He isn't a dependent drinker. The amount he drinks is considered normal to a lot of Brits.
And an awful lot of Brits who drink that considered normal amount are dependent drinkers.
Apologies for teaching you how to suck eggs OP. But ... seriously?

I hope you are only defending b/f now in the teeth of some PP making personally shaming comments at you - and not because you are actually backtracking from the clear statements in your own OP.
You don't need to minimise his behaviours in order to help yourself feel better, because you have nothing to apologise for or defend.
What you do have is personal agency, a clear knowledge that you may not have chosen the optimum dad, but made do with what circumstances provided & are now considering whether you even retain that dad as a part of your own life, or just attempt to co-parent with him.
Besides - his problems, & even he himself, are not your priority, & don't need to be. Your priority is taking care of you & your baby.

He got a solicitor and tried to take her to court.
Did he, aye?
Did you witness this personally, or hear about it after the event?
People don't "try" to take a custody case to court. They either do it, or don't do it.
If they are unable to do it, (as opposed to giving up) they don't say "I tried". They say "these are the specific reasons that the case was not heard in court, & these are the next steps my lawyer/brief recommend we pursue, & this is the expected timeline until we hear about the next ruling or outcome."

He fought for a couple of years but Ireland is not father-friendly on these matters.
I'm sure some Irish parents will be along to give a more factual & considered opinion on this, but ...
What are the chances that if his DD & ex lived in the UK, he'd be saying "but the UK is not father-friendly on these matters."?

Having laboured the point a bit, sorry OP - you don;t need to concern yourself with how good a father he was/tried to be/might become.
All that need concern you is that right now he is living like an appalling slob, taking no care of you, & is definitely not Father Material.

So deal with that 'right now'. Own it, look right at it, & decide that it's not good enough 'right now', so you are basing your choices on now, not the past, & not any hoped-for future.

You know what to do, you have the means & smarts to do it.
Your own place, your own surname, no b/f on the birth certificate, while you get through the 'right now' of the next 2 months & the medium-term of birthing & maternity leave.

The relationship, if you choose to retain it, does not need to be a cohabiting one. But it does need to be one where you are not dependent on his unforthcoming goodwill, help, financial commitment or even an expectation of co-parenting.
He has to earn the right to be your baby's dad. Ditto the right to live with you. You cannot sustain yourself through the next life-changing months if you are also being exhausted & let down by your live-in Man Child.
Make sure you are holding all the cards, so that YOU get to be the sole arbiter of your baby's home life.
Good luck with your new home :)

[ChargingBuck]

Much as I agree with your comment about 'conflicting statements' & defensiveness, WTF was this bit all about?
And as for only having a child if you can go it alone - just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean a child doesn't want or need them

All the single mothers of the world are lining up to salute you @bonetiredwithtwins ... can you hear the trumpets raspberries blowing your way?

Your statement doesn't even have the benefit of consistent logic.
You go on to tell OP to get the Man Child to "shape up" - i.e. magically turn him into the Good Dad a child needs - or "ship out", which kinda defeats the pearl-clutching about kids of single parents, no?

[MrsToothyBitch]

OP it was my post that you replied to saying that you didn't want to parent him, and I completely agree you shouldn't have to. But @KittyWindbag has hit the nail on the head about what I was trying to suggest in with her reply.

You want him to just know what needs doing. He evidently doesn't so you therefore need to tell him. If he can't do that, cut your losses. Tbh the more I hear about him, the more inclined I am to just say skip straight to leaving anyway.

[ToughLoveLDN]

The more I read OP’s responses I am just shocked. Just because we have reproductive systems doesn’t mean we should all have children. Bringing a child into a knowingly turbulent life is just irresponsible and unfair in my opinion. Quite frankly FaceTiming a child does not make someone a good father or mean they have a good relationship!

You both sound extremely irresponsible and immature and I am surprised you work in the field you do. Have you thought about the long term at all? Who’s going to be paying for your rent, bills and childcare after the baby is here? How are you going to survive on statutory maternity pay, your financial responsibilities aren’t just going to disappear and it shouldn’t be up to the tax payer to foot the bill when you haven’t fallen on hardship but created it for yourself.

[VenusClapTrap]

He isn’t going to change, op. You sound like you’re in denial now.

[ChargingBuck]

Who’s going to be paying for your rent, bills and childcare after the baby is here?
If you spent half the time you've spent in unnecessary & unproductive frothing RTFT instead, you'd maybe have picked up OP's own updates on this.
She has a job. I know that doesn't suit your agenda, but get over yourself already!

How are you going to survive on statutory maternity pay,
Same as everyone else does. Some struggle, some don't, & for all you know, despite her concerns about her b/f, maybe OP has savings. She does, after all WANT is has planned for this baby. She has agency, a brain, & the ability to do simple sums.

your financial responsibilities aren’t just going to disappear and it shouldn’t be up to the tax payer to foot the bill when you haven’t fallen on hardship but created it for yourself.
Do you say this to all the decently-partnered & even married women of your acquaintance?
Or just to ones you feel entitled to give a a kicking to, because in your little head, you've already demonised them as "feckless"?
Nobody's financial responsibilities "disappear", & I reckon as a 33 year old woman planning her new home & birthing circumstances, OP already knows that.

As to your TAXPAYER gibe - you don't speak for all taxpayers, & seem oblivious to the fact that even MARRIED mothers & WORKING parents sometimes need a little help from the system.
Or to the fact that OP herself is a TAXPAYER.

Sorry to rant but really - this is all so unpleasant & doesn't reflect well on you @ToughLoveLDN

[TracyMosby]

When was the last time he saw his daughter?

[ToughLoveLDN]

@ChargingBuck

Who’s going to be paying for your rent, bills and childcare after the baby is here?
If you spent half the time you've spent in unnecessary & unproductive frothing RTFT instead, you'd maybe have picked up OP's own updates on this.
She has a job. I know that doesn't suit your agenda, but get over yourself already!

How are you going to survive on statutory maternity pay,
Same as everyone else does. Some struggle, some don't, & for all you know, despite her concerns about her b/f, maybe OP has savings. She does, after all WANT is has planned for this baby. She has agency, a brain, & the ability to do simple sums.

your financial responsibilities aren’t just going to disappear and it shouldn’t be up to the tax payer to foot the bill when you haven’t fallen on hardship but created it for yourself.
Do you say this to all the decently-partnered & even married women of your acquaintance?
Or just to ones you feel entitled to give a a kicking to, because in your little head, you've already demonised them as "feckless"?
Nobody's financial responsibilities "disappear", & I reckon as a 33 year old woman planning her new home & birthing circumstances, OP already knows that.

As to your TAXPAYER gibe - you don't speak for all taxpayers, & seem oblivious to the fact that even MARRIED mothers & WORKING parents sometimes need a little help from the system.
Or to the fact that OP herself is a TAXPAYER.

Sorry to rant but really - this is all so unpleasant & doesn't reflect well on you *@ToughLoveLDN*

@ChargingBuck you have made me laugh. As you said yourself she’s a 33 year old woman who PLANNED this child with absolutely no forethought about how this may affect the child. It’s a selfish decision and I don’t care how you think this reflects on me. I’m not the one who puts myself in bad situations and then when people give their honest opinions that they don’t agree with my choices throw my toys out of the pram and start backtracking.

Yes I do say that to the women I acquaint regardless of their marital status. As I said before. It isn’t like OP was being careful and had an ‘accident’ she purposefully put herself in this situation.

You may agree with this reckless behaviour but I don’t!

[bonetiredwithtwins]

I actually agree with you @ToughLoveLDN

Just because we can have children doesn't mean we should - I see it all too often on MN where posters just sound so entitled to a child - they want one so obviously they simply must have one

This doesn't sound like a healthy happy or long lived relationship - ultimately it will be the child that suffers

[Mamamamasaurus]

You realised he wasn't good Father material and got pregnant again anyway. He showed you who he was and you ignored it. Now you'll be tied to him for the next 18 years.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Wow that's a real horror story. You're stronger than I am. He definitely sounds like a dreadful man. My fiance never does anything deliberately to cause me grief. It sounds like your ex did. Glad you got out of it when your life was in danger. Many don't 😔