Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

[TrufflesAndToast]

OP your parents didn’t fail to achieve financial stability because they were working class. It’s because they had six kids. No one of any class can comfortably afford that aside from the mega rich. You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder - you’re pushing hard to make this all about class prejudice from other posters when it really isn’t. Millions of working class people without loads of spare cash (some of which are even on mumsnet!) give their children stable and loving homes and meet their needs well. This issue is you’re shacked up with an alcoholic, lazy, unhygienic loser who treats you with out and out contempt and has already abandoned any effort to actually parent his existing child. Oh and his fucktard of a mate is in your spare room.

If you are adamant of given chance after chance to your baby’s father then the least you need to do is get rid of fucking Dupree and live together as a proper family unit. Otherwise it will always be two of them against one of you, the mate pulling your boyfriend back into his old ways. There is no place for this bloke in the home of a set of new parents and their newborn and it’s actually a bit weird that he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. There’s a time and a place for house shares with your mates and in your thirties with a baby on the way isn’t it. That’s not classist - plenty of working class people manage to live as a family unit. It’s called being an adult. Maybe if he was actually contributing in a helpful way it could be an unconventional set up that works but he isn’t.

[Hoppinggreen]

@Firstchilddue2022

Wow that's a real horror story. You're stronger than I am. He definitely sounds like a dreadful man. My fiance never does anything deliberately to cause me grief. It sounds like your ex did. Glad you got out of it when your life was in danger. Many don't 😔

He doesn’t do anything deliberately to help you either

[ChickenStripper]

@TrufflesAndToast

OP your parents didn’t fail to achieve financial stability because they were working class. It’s because they had six kids. No one of any class can comfortably afford that aside from the mega rich. You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder - you’re pushing hard to make this all about class prejudice from other posters when it really isn’t. Millions of working class people without loads of spare cash (some of which are even on mumsnet!) give their children stable and loving homes and meet their needs well. This issue is you’re shacked up with an alcoholic, lazy, unhygienic loser who treats you with out and out contempt and has already abandoned any effort to actually parent his existing child. Oh and his fucktard of a mate is in your spare room.

If you are adamant of given chance after chance to your baby’s father then the least you need to do is get rid of fucking Dupree and live together as a proper family unit. Otherwise it will always be two of them against one of you, the mate pulling your boyfriend back into his old ways. There is no place for this bloke in the home of a set of new parents and their newborn and it’s actually a bit weird that he hasn’t come to that conclusion himself. There’s a time and a place for house shares with your mates and in your thirties with a baby on the way isn’t it. That’s not classist - plenty of working class people manage to live as a family unit. It’s called being an adult. Maybe if he was actually contributing in a helpful way it could be an unconventional set up that works but he isn’t.

well said!