Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

[ChargingBuck]

@TrufflesAndToast

*AdultingInTheCountryside
I don’t think you should be having a baby especially in the situation you’re in. It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world if you essentially know you can’t afford to and also with a partner that’s shit. You’re thinking about yourself and quite frankly I find it hard to feel sorry for you.

Nice to see the Eugenics Police out in force.*

Bloody hell are you serious?! You’re comparing taking basic responsibility for your future baby to eugenics?! No wonder so many poor kids are born into an absolute shit show only to live with poverty or abuse when there are people out there that feel so entitled to bring babies into the world with no consideration for their well-being It’s utterly irresponsible not to ensure you can provide the basics for a baby that you intend to have, including living in a fundamentally safe home environment. It’s not eugenics, it’s ethics.

No, @TrufflesAndToast

I'm not comparing anything.
Just aghast at the illogical hectoring of a pregnant woman, who as far as I can see is not planning to bring her child up in poverty or abuse. As can be seen from her initial post - she's asking for encouragement to pick herself up & LTB.
She has also never said that she can't provide the basics for a baby, She has a job FFS, I don't think either of them will starve, & neither will they be living in a shithole, once she's got rid of her useless manchild.

It's not ethical to tell her she shouldn't be having this baby. As she can hardly send it back where it came from, @AdultingInTheCountryside was clearly insinuating that OP should abort.

But is is eugenicist to blithely state that poor people cannot have children. What next - means-testing? Children only for the wealthy?

FYI I think many people jump into parenthood without enough thought, so I'm with you on some of your reply. But it doesn't matter how much we might agree on that in general - it's simply not helpful to berate OP for what she obviously sees as her much-wanted, probably 'last chance saloon' baby. She's not irresponsible to want & have a child.
Her only irresponsibility has been her poor choice of father, & it seems like she's on the way to dealing with that.

[SeasonFinale]

The amount of time you have spent typing your messages you could have swished some bleach round the loo. I say this as someone who suffered severely from morning sickness too.

[iamnlhfss]

Ah just bin him off OP.
It's maybe because I'm 45 but I have absolutely no fucking patience with people like this any more.
He's vile and unhygienic and is making no effort whatsoever to support the mother of his unborn child.
Find somewhere else to live and move out. It won't be easy being a single mother but at least you'll be living in clean, hygienic surroundings and when you know you have to do everything yourself it doesn't feel as bad as when you feel like someone else should be doing their share and supporting you and they aren't.
All that fucking headspace taken up with trying to get them to pull their weight.........
I've never had children but I have had two long term relationships with losers who sound a bit like your "partner". It's hell having to live with people like that. I'm on my own now and have a much nicer living environment which takes less effort to keep clean as I'm not having to clean up some dirty slob's mess.

He isn't going to get any better OP.

[blyn72]

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

You knew all of this before you decided to get pregnant. How can it be a surprise to you now?

Quite. Especially as the op realised at the time of her miscarriage he would not be good father material. I can't understand why she has gone ahead with another pregnancy in this relationship. She could have met someone else, better and childless.

I do believe you need to have a decent place to live when planning a family. It doesn't have to be grand but not somewhere grotty that you have to share with a third party.

I'd understand if the op was a naive seventeen year old but she isn't.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

For god sake move out.

You’d really don’t want to be living with two man children when a baby comes - it’ll be 100% worse than being pregnant and living with them.

Do you have any family you can stay with whilst you get yourself together?

[thegirlwiththelongblackhair]

I think your attitude is quite disgusting considering you've come here for advice and you are getting advice.

We are not going to sugarcoat our words and tell you everything's okay when it's not.

He is a lazy unhygienic pathetic man. And so is your housemate. If you think this relationship is going to get better after the baby is born. Wake up sweetheart because it won't. It will get worse.

Imagine being postpartum with all the pain and exhaustion and then having to share space with them two.

Honestly, we are strangers and we are giving honest advice.

After your lease is up, go to the council, ask for any help to get accommodation for you and your baby. You've always wanted to be a mother, that's great. And you will enjoy it a lot more without waste of spaces around you

[Nanny0gg]

@CharlotteRose90

Have you ever had such severe pregnancy sickness that you are completely debilitated?

The OP is not having a 'pity party' at all

[CharlotteRose90]

[quote Nanny0gg]@CharlotteRose90

Have you ever had such severe pregnancy sickness that you are completely debilitated?

The OP is not having a 'pity party' at all[/quote]
If she was that clearly debilitated then she would be In hospital and certainly not posting threads about a piece of crap boyfriend. And yes I have had the sickness so I have an idea. She’s behaving like she can’t do anything. She chose to have a baby with a guy that acts like a child maybe she should have planned better and got a cleaner

[ChargingBuck]

@Firstchilddue2022 I hope you are feeling a bit better, are mulling over how you are going to handle things over the next 2 months, & are ignoring all the PP giving you a right kicking for something which you cannot undo.

Don't be put off posting - AIBU is a bear pit, & you probably would have got softer responses c/o Relationships, but there are still enough wise old bags around who are more interested in seeing you get better & improve your situation, than getting a vicarious thrill over how superior they feel to you.

[TrufflesAndToast]

But is is eugenicist to blithely state that poor people cannot have children.

Literally no one said this, blithely or otherwise.

The poster you’re referring to said, word for word: It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world if you essentially know you can’t afford to and also with a partner that’s shit.

‘And also’. So not simply because you’re poor.

It is absolutely no eugenics to suggest that it’s in a baby’s best interests to ensure you’re able to care for the baby materially and otherwise before you bring it into the world. That doesn’t mean not being poor. It may mean, for example, not being in crippling debt or in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

[RussiasGreatestLoveMachine]

But is is eugenicist to blithely state that poor people cannot have children. What next - means-testing? Children only for the wealthy?

Get a grip.

Not one person has suggested that.

The OP - who is in her first trimester - has choices (like all women in a free, civilised county) about whether or not to continue with a pregnancy that is not occurring in the best of circumstances for mother or child.

Not one person has said poor people ‘can’t’ have children. The OP is free to so whatever she wants, including outrightly dismissing that post. Which she no doubt will do, if she wants to keep the baby.

There honestly aren’t enough 🙄🙄 in the world.

[Nanny0gg]

@@CharlotteRose90
I was signed off work for three months. Not hospitalised. I managed to get out of bed to the sofa via the loo and then back again later.
There is zero chance I would have been able to clean it.
Luckily I had a supportive husband, not an immature drunken arse for a partner.

But you clearly have no idea

[TrufflesAndToast]

Also people on the whole are absolutely not suggesting the OP doesn’t have the baby, the overwhelming majority are saying that she should leave the feckless loser and his minging mate to it and crack on as a single parent in a peaceful and hygienic household.

[pinkyredrose]

Write a list of what HE needs to do around the house

Yuk. Who wants to be with someone that's needs lists writing for them

[BluebellsareBlue]

Would you be comfortable bringing home a newborn to a house where there is dried on shit on the toilet? If the toilet is that dirty and there is mould on the window sils I dread to think the state of the kitchen, carpet or floors. I would NOT be taking my baby into a health hazard like that when it is completely avoidable

[Sapphire387]

Reading this, I'm hearing 'I want a baby', but what about the wellbeing of your baby?

What other support do you have, OP? Family close by? Where will you live with baby?

[Rosebuud]

@Nanny0gg

@*@CharlotteRose90*
I was signed off work for three months. Not hospitalised. I managed to get out of bed to the sofa via the loo and then back again later.
There is zero chance I would have been able to clean it.
Luckily I had a supportive husband, not an immature drunken arse for a partner.

But you clearly have no idea

I’m not sure about sone of these answers to be honest, I do think people should have adequate housing and a stable life before trying to conceive. Accidental pregnancy is very different, if life changes job losses etc, after you conceive it’s different, but proactively trying to concieve in a chaotic environment with a drunk of a partner and no firm plan to make it less chaotic, is not really a good decision imho.

The op says she’s considering leaving but doesn’t explain to go where. She knows she’s two months left on thr tenancy but isn’t saying she will go, more she is prioritising him and saying he won’t agree to take the tenancy and he can’t afford it.

She says the child will have a bedroom but hasn’t stated where this extra bedroom will come from, she expresses she’s well enough to work full time, but not well enough to do a load of her own laundry, she is well enough to order a takeaway, but is unable to order a supermarket delivery.

They can’t afford the home they have so her boyfriend and his mate live there like it’s their lads squalid flat share. He’s a drunk and an absent parent to his other child, and as a low earner, likely contributes very little to the child’s upbringing, he took a woman he’s known four months to meet the poor girl, who he will see rarely at The best of times, and the op actually went. Instead of urging him to go and spend quality time with his child, to prioritise her, and she would meet her at another time, when their relationship was secure and to allow the child time to adjust.

Pretending thr only bad choice was him is not quite right. The op is working full time, she is not signed off sick.

[TrufflesAndToast]

All excellent points @Rosebuud

Taking her to meet the child he rarely sees after four months had me as well. Any sane woman would see that as a massive red flag not a sweet and lovely thing to do!

[ChargingBuck]

Nice try with the selective quoting @truffles @TrufflesAndToast @RussiasGreatestLoveMachine - but PP did say exactly that:
I don’t think you should be having a baby especially in the situation you’re in.

Telling a pregnant woman she shouldn't be having a baby cannot be interpreted any other way - with or without the "situation" qualifier, it's as clear as day telling OP that she doesn't deserve to have a baby, & other people are the best judge of whether she should continue her pregnancy.

Wouldn't it be more logical to encourage her to lose the situation rather than the baby?
Some PP appear only too delighted to be putting the boot in here. If they genuinely cared, they'd be offering advice, not insults. It's easy to make grandstanding posts along the lines of "will nobody consider the babies!" but when it comes to this specific baby, it seems they are less bothered about ejecting its appalling father from its life than they are in smugly telling OP exactly how Bad And Wrong she is.

But enough derailment. I'm sure if we were speaking in person we'd be finding a lot more common ground, so let's agree to disagree on this thread & move on. I doubt OP will be back anyway, she's hardly had the support of a compassionate sisterhood, but this is AIBU after all ... shit happens.

[Tamworth123]

I can't understand why she has gone ahead with another pregnancy in this relationship. She could have met someone else, better and childless

Op has clearly had the shit scared out of her/been wound up to the max. by negative, pessimistic advice/info on PCOS.

Someone pointed out that Victoria Beckham and John's Olivef have had multiple children (and not young), I also know a pcos sufferer who had kids late 30s/40.

This is anecdotal and I don't know much about the subject but it seems to me that women are scared mongered all the time about fertility, inc a non existent 35 cliff .. who h crops up again and again on here (the reduction in fertility moves on a steeper slope as it were from around 35, but its not a cliff, 90% of women 39 and under get pregnant within two yrs).

I know a woman who was told (sxare mongered) to have kids asap due to pcos. She had two with a alcohol abusing, awol for the weekend guy with (we're in NI) extreme sectarian views which contributed to him being involved in a gang murder of an individual man, and serving some time for it. He still drinks to excess and his sons refer to him and his behaviour with eye rolls and slight disdain.
The woman already had skewed expectations from growing up with an alcohol dependant and abusive father, but j blame the scare mongering for part of her decision to have children with him, rather than wait and keep looking for a better candidate.

Not only had op probably been scare mongered, but is also clearly very maternal and child focused so she's panicked even more.
It's all led her to pull the wool over her own eyes and be unrealistically optimistic.

Op, you're possibly not reading anymore but im with the ppl with think your best route is to move out ag the end of the existing tenancy and get somewhere on your own. Maybe you are entitled to some help. Maybe you could reduce your hours and get entitled to some help.

The relationship is separate and for you to work out but I wouldn't be marrying him in the near future. That's just going to get you in deeper, when you should be considering things very carefully, and looking out for yourself and your child.

You sound like you've been carrying this man and his mate. You need to be only carrying yourself and your child.

[Tamworth123]

Also, do you havevaby family help?

The early baby years can be very very hard - physically, mentally, emotionally ...

Please avail yourself of any help you can get.
I doubt this guy is going to step up.

If he was a good Dad, his ex probably wouldn't have moved away with their child, and he would have done everything in his power to stop her. It was also inappropriate for him to take his new gf of 4 months along on a visit to see his child, which presumably happens v irregularly. I'd say his ex could tell you a story or two.

[CinstonWhurchill]

"I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry."

" i am only 10 weeks pregnant".

Can you not wash your own clothes?


"He" does not appear to be doing very much .

What are YOU DOING and how will you live and care for yourself and your child, when your child is born? How are you planning to support your child? How will you manage washing multiple baby grows etc when baby is here if , you cannot even manage to clean & clothe yourself now at 10 weeks?

You think the house is too dirty now and the toilet too dirty to be sick in. Have you cleaned it? It is also your toilet in which you need to vomit. There is shopping to be done? Have you shopped?

You are having a child you say .

You need to stop all this silly precious nonsense . You are pregnant. You can clean a bathroom and do your own laundry. You will have much more laundry on yr plate when baby here.

[Firstchilddue2022]

@frazzledasarock

I don’t think anyone is being horrible to you OP.

What exactly do you want posters to say?

I don’t think he sounds like father of the year for taking you to visit his DC four months into the relationship either. What’s the point of doing that?

He sounds like an unhygienic, loser who is sponging off of you.

So far according to you, your fiancé

Doesn’t observe basic hygiene such that he isn’t brushing his own teeth.

Does no housework, expects you to in between vomiting your guts out. Has left a shitty toilet for who? You to clean his shit? Won’t take out bins, won’t run a wash? What the hell is he wearing?

Won’t get up in time for work but has time to game late into the night

Has a drink problem.

Won’t do a simple weekly shop, won’t cook

Takes no financial responsibility presumably he’s not doing the weekly shop as he has to also pay for it? Hadn’t paid for the deposit of the house you both live in, who pays for the regularly takeaways, I’m guessing not him?

And you’re paying for couples counselling.

What do you think MN can offer you to change any of the above?

Quite a lot of assumptions there!
I don't think it's a bad thing that he was keen for me to meet his family. They're lovely. He showers daily he just doesn't always brush his teeth.

I never asked him to pay towards the deposit because it wasn't an issue before. I moved in with a previous housemate not him.

He does housework, just not as much as I do. He cooks again just much less than I do and he almost always takes the bins out. Just the one time I needed him to do it I had to and vomited.

He pays his share of rent and bills and takeaways and he makes less than me so I don't mind paying more. I would like him to do proper food shops again.

[Firstchilddue2022]

@toomuchlaundry

How often does he see his other child? Does he pay maintenance?

Less often since Covid and daughters mum is very restrictive. He began drinking heavily when his first daughter was taken back to Ireland. He pays maintenance yes.

[Firstchilddue2022]

@LivingDeadGirlUK

If you only have 2 month left on tenancy then I would start looking for a place to live alone. Start reviewing your finances and plan for going it alone.

Then have one last honest talk with your partner, you will be even more vunerable after giving birth, your baby deserves to be in a safe clean environment. But honestly from what you said he is unlikely to step up.

That's pretty much where I feel like things are going. I've found a two bed I can afford to rent.