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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

303 replies

Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 05:14

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 27/01/2022 06:44

He won’t change and this will all get a hundred times worse after the baby arrives. If he can’t be bothered to clean his own teeth he’s not going to clean a child’s. Or the rest. You will be doing everything.

Leave now, it will be so much easier. Nice clean one bedroom flat with no man-children to look after.

Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 06:59

The child will sleep in a bedroom. I'm only 10 weeks pregnant and have two months on my tenancy agreement, give it a rest!

He presented himself as very mature when we first got together and a loving father to his daughter. He talked about her a lot and took me to see her in Ireland when we had only been together 4 months. I fell in love with him and crucially we were able to work through some initial problems which have not returned as an issue and I was reassured by his ability to grow as a person. Over time more issues came up but we didn't overcome them. I thought this was normal and then when I found out I had PCOS I was panicked that I wouldn't have any children so I tried to focus on all the positives and take less notice of the problems.

The problems didn't really come to the fore until I started having morning sickness. Is that reason enough for the decisions I made or are you just here to judge?

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 27/01/2022 07:04

You say you’re thinking of leaving, but where would you go? Do you have somewhere, family who can take you in?

Can you afford to live independently and raise a child?

If you stay have you thought through rhe implications, for the first few months the baby will be sleeping in your room,I assume, but what about after that, where will the child sleep? How will you do it all, work, raise a child, and keep an environment hygienic enough for them? What childcare options do you have for when you’re at work?

It’s clear if you’re with a bloke who can’t even brush his own teeth he’s not going to be suddenly capable of raising a child, and you basically live in a house share with a couple of blokes who aren’t interested in basic hygiene, never mind something suitable to raise a child.

I think don’t do anything hasty, but now a child is on the way and thay changes things hugely, so you need to sit down and think things through logically, financially, how will you both cope,, what are your housing options, even where your child will sleep, and how will you manage the day to day of raising a child, and maintaining a safe environment for them.

pinkyredrose · 27/01/2022 07:06

Why did you pay the full deposit? Did they both pay you back for thier share?

Arbeity · 27/01/2022 07:07

People aren't judging OP, they're offering advice. You know, what you asked for when you posted.

Rather than getting defensive, you need to gave a really good think about your future and what you want. Your partner sounds like a waste of space, as does your housemate. Love is such a small part of what holds a relationship together. You also need respect, kindness and shared vision for the future, none of which you seem to have.

tara66 · 27/01/2022 07:10

But it would seem your partner was like he is i.e. not brushing teeth etc before you got pregnant so you knew what he was like. You did not seem to consider the child much in this matter and the sort of life you are bringing it into.

TracyMosby · 27/01/2022 07:12

Is you fiancé not on the tenancy Agreement?

He presented himself as very mature when we first got together and a loving father to his daughter. He talked about her a lot and took me to see her in Ireland when we had only been together 4 months
So, actually, he was always all talk. He cannot possibly be parenting a child in another country, can he!

Alysskea · 27/01/2022 07:18

I'm sorry that you're feeling judged - I can see the wording on here is quite harsh. I dare say a lot of it comes from experience.

But if this man can't clean the toilet for you to be sick in or do a load of laundry will he change nappies? 2am feeds with you? Hold you when you're crying from exhaustion? No he wont. His behaviour is appalling.

If it's possible for you to move out and raise this baby on your own with love I really think that might be best.

Gilly12345 · 27/01/2022 07:19

If you are going to continue with these two men then surely you are going to have to have a serious conversation regarding ‘house rules’ regarding hygiene, housework, shopping and general consideration for each other before and after the baby is born.

Good luck

Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 07:20

@pinkyredrose

Why did you pay the full deposit? Did they both pay you back for thier share?
I had to move out when I split with my ex unexpectedly and originally moved in with another housemate who didn't have enough money to pay for the deposit.
OP posts:
SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 27/01/2022 07:22

Make the move now.

Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 07:23

Fiance is not on the tenancy agreement because the landlord only allowed two tenants.

OP posts:
BABAHOTEL · 27/01/2022 07:25

@Firstchilddue2022

Fiance is not on the tenancy agreement because the landlord only allowed two tenants.
Perfect, he can move out then? Why would you move out, if you've paid the deposit and he is not on the tenancy?
MeanMrMustardSeed · 27/01/2022 07:25

YABU to have chosen this person to be the father of your child.

You’ll have to try and overcome this now to provide a secure and safe life for your child. I’d start by making plans to leave.

Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 07:25

I'm sure there are many good fathers with poor dental hygiene. But no I didn't know that before I got pregnant it was a recent discovery after we went away for a weekend and several days later I noticed his toothbrush was still in his bag.

OP posts:
Briarshollow · 27/01/2022 07:27

Oh my, what a set up. Your partner/boyfriend is an alcoholic, he doesn’t brush his teeth, you live in a tiny house with a housemate and only one bathroom, it sounds like it’s all in disarray and you’re sick as a dog from pregnancy and he’s doing nothing.

I think you probably need to kick him out, he sounds frankly, disgusting. Your desire for a baby has not just clouded your judgement, I think it’s obscured it. Be prepared to do this alone because he doesn’t sound like a clean and decent person, let alone a good father. How often can he possibly see his existing daughter?

I’m sorry if this is too direct but your situation sounds truly awful.

Horriblewoman · 27/01/2022 07:27

A couple of practical things (although I agree your fiance is pretty useless).

If you can order a takeaway you can order a food shop?

I appreciate you're low earners but between the three of you could you not afford a cleaner once a week or fortnight?

RedRobin100 · 27/01/2022 07:28

Christ OP get out of there.

Could you afford to rent on Your own? You’re struggling at the moment but hopefully you’ll start to feel better soon/in second trimester.

But do you REALLY want to tie yourself
To this man and have two babies to look after?

He gets drunk every night and never brushes his teeth? Is this really your future living here with these two?

Get out please

Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 07:28

The property isn't suitable for a baby. Noisy neighbours and its too expensive for me to maintain on my own. Also. Can't just kick my housemate out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 07:29

Ordering food shop isn't a bad idea. Just wanted to give him a chance to do one himself.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/01/2022 07:30

Putting the very kindest interpretation i can on this, did his ex partner leave him when pregnant or with a small child and is he afraid you will do the same? Have you met her?

frazzledasarock · 27/01/2022 07:30

I don’t think anyone is being horrible to you OP.

What exactly do you want posters to say?

I don’t think he sounds like father of the year for taking you to visit his DC four months into the relationship either. What’s the point of doing that?

He sounds like an unhygienic, loser who is sponging off of you.

So far according to you, your fiancé

Doesn’t observe basic hygiene such that he isn’t brushing his own teeth.

Does no housework, expects you to in between vomiting your guts out. Has left a shitty toilet for who? You to clean his shit? Won’t take out bins, won’t run a wash? What the hell is he wearing?

Won’t get up in time for work but has time to game late into the night

Has a drink problem.

Won’t do a simple weekly shop, won’t cook

Takes no financial responsibility presumably he’s not doing the weekly shop as he has to also pay for it? Hadn’t paid for the deposit of the house you both live in, who pays for the regularly takeaways, I’m guessing not him?

And you’re paying for couples counselling.

What do you think MN can offer you to change any of the above?

Ileflottante · 27/01/2022 07:30

The idea of a new little baby being brought into a dirty house with an alcoholic father and some random housemate isn’t very encouraging. You’ve got a few months to get your situation into a better one. I’d suggest you go alone when your tenancy is over. Hopefully you’ll be feeling stronger by then and more able to cope.

toomuchlaundry · 27/01/2022 07:30

How often does he see his other child? Does he pay maintenance?

PrincessNikla · 27/01/2022 07:32

The problems didn't really come to the fore until I started having morning sickness. Is that reason enough for the decisions I made or are you just here to judge?

You're asking for advice, that will always come with judgement (especially when anonymous)

You know what you need to do and quickly, you're newly pregnant with a man who can't or won't pull his weight