OK FOLKS
This is going to be my last post because although some of what has been said has been helpful, a lot of it has been really hurtful and unnecessary. The helpful stuff has included those suggesting I move out, but the most helpful was the non-judgemental stuff. Judging people is not ok unless you are literally a judge. It never helps, it just makes someone feel like shit and if that's your thing then I pity you more than you would ever pity me. I know there is a 0% chance I will be raising a judgemental child. Some of you might not be so fortunate.
I know numerous happy, well-adjusted children who had a genuinely turbulent start to life. I know children who grew up in nuclear middle class families and killed themselves or became heroin addicts. Will this baby have an economic advantage? No, that's capitalism for you. Will this baby grow up in a single-parent household? Maybe, I don't know yet but there are worse things in life than having a single mother.
Did I backtrack? No. My post was highlighting the problem behaviour of my fiance and housemate (who is one of my best friends) because that's what I needed help with and I didn't want to write an essay. I corrected a few exaggerations and I felt the need to defend them when some of you went a bit guns-blazing on the accusations. They are good imperfect people. Some of you might think you're perfect but you came on a mumsnet thread just to put a struggling pregnant woman down so... nice going.
I work full-time, by the way the official title of my job is homeless recovery coordinator. I didn't know when I applied for the job that it was drug and alcohol recovery work. I thought it was just helping homeless people to get housed. Turned out I'm actually pretty good at it. I've had really positive responses from some of the most chaotic entrenched and desperate people in my town. I'm pretty sure if I can get a homeless heroin addict housed, off drugs and working in less than 6 months I can do motherhood. I want more than anything else to be a mum. Imagine if you had been told you can never have children, not even adopted. Honestly, I would have an empty void in my life, I'd probably become a crazy cat lady. So to tell me I shouldn't have children "just because I can." Seriously screw you. I want children, I have a right to have children and your attitude is super stuck up. We can't all be middle class.
I didn't know my fiance had a problem with alcohol until a few months into our relationship. He actually came across as very mature and stable, that's one of the things that attracted me to him. I like men who have their shit together. So no, armchair psychologists, I don't have a "rescuer complex." And I really don't think he took advantage of my desire to have kids. I think that's a bit of an odd analysis if I'm honest. We didn't even talk about it in the beginning. Ya know, when we fell in love.
I will absolutely agree I enabled them both to shirk responsibility. I am owning that and changing things now. I will also accept that I didn't "pick" the best choice of father in this situation. I think it's worth considering how much of your attitudes about this are driven by objective reasons and how much is societal norms. Whether or not he will step-up will remain to be seen. I don't know yet but his issues do appear to be mental health ones, as with my clients, people rarely develop substance misuse problems when they have good mental health.
His behaviour has not always been a problem but there is a relationship between his drinking and his lack of support. This means he can change. He can get support for his mental health and he can stop misusing alcohol. The question I still have is whether or not I can afford to wait for him to do that. The counselling on Monday may give me some idea of where to go from here.
For those curious I felt a lot less sick on Thursday even though I was up all of Wednesday night. I got a MUCH better ointment for my butt as recommended by the GP (love the NHS, don't let them take it from us!) I already had anti-nausea medication, it didn't help much. I also blitzed the bathroom and the kitchen and did 5 loads of laundry because I still wasn't well enough for work (being up all night) but I was damn sure well enough to do housework. Fiance was very quiet when he got home and realised what I had done. He suddenly started tidying areas I hadn't and offering to cook. He felt really bad.
Today I addressed them both. I talked about how things were going to change when the baby comes and asked them how they felt about the state of the bathroom. We realised quickly that we have different ideas of what "cleanliness" is. I told them there was two options then, we draw up a deep-cleaning rota or I move out. They chose the deep cleaning rota. I went through everything I did on Thursday and how long it took me.
They both admitted to the things they were doing or not doing that were a problem. They were quite sheepish and admitted they took advantage of my nurturing nature which has come from years of... you know... wanting to be a mum. They will still be imperfect but a lot of what they were doing/not doing they didn't realise bothered me but they did understand why and did not contest anything.
They both made pretty helpful suggestions as well. They are a bit gross, but they are not bad guys. They are actually a huge support for me in general and realise they let me down on this occasion. We will move into a 3 bed together at least for the time being. I will give both of them a chance. I will get myself on the housing register despite the wait. I will continue saving money because heaven forbid a mother be supported to raise the future generation by the state urgh when has that ever been beneficial to society.
I won't be coming back to this thread to read any of the vitriol that people still have for me. But I am grateful for the genuine responses from those trying to help without judgement, especially those who stuck up for me. I honestly think it's awful to tell any woman she shouldn't have a baby. My parents had the perfect environment to raise children, I'm one of six. Dad worked, mum stayed home, traditional family stuff. My dad lost his job at the start of the financial crisis. Quickly my parents found themselves struggling to afford children. I learned that life is never going to be financially secure for the working class. If you think that means we shouldn't have children then honestly screw you.
Goodnight, stay humble. Nobody is perfect, but everyone is human and deserves respect and compassion.